Back to the real me

Hello Folks

I'm a 44 yo gay man. After my last sexual disaster with a partner, somebody who pretty much embodies everything I want from a partner (which makes it even more shocking for me to fail in that scenario) I decided to look around for info about ED. Within a few minutes I found Gabe's videos and ideas that immediately clicked with me.

I have been masturbating since the age of 9/10 and I think the rare few times I missed a day was literally when I was flying or traveling. Not even feeling sick with a flu or uber tired would stop me. Porn came in at first, in my life, with vhs tapes, then progressively, as I got internet in late 90s', developed as a compulsive habit, through a computer.

In the last 6/7 years, with high speed internet porn, it literally went out of control. I could easily PMO up to 5/6 times a day in combination with smoking weed (which makes it even more addictive). DE was first warning sign, ED came shortly after.

Progressively my sexual performance decayed to zero. But still I could not connect porn to ED, blaming stress, my partners, PA?whatever. I knew that amount of masturbation was insane but didn't connect that to porn. So well.. I have PIED. Plain and simple.

On 8/20/2015 I decided to start Rebooting. I'm pretty much a 'go cold turkey' kind of person and I'm usually thrilled by changes when they seem to make sense, so it felt very natural. It has been very similar to when I turned Vegan overnight.

I have been flatlining ever since. I dont even think about sex at all. To be honest, the fact I quit the habit has such a good effect on me (I was essentially numb/sleepy/out of energy all the time) that those few moments PMO appears to be an option to kill boredom, I quickly sack it off. At least for now, its easier than I expected (If one told me I could stop masturbating for even a couple of days I would have though..no way).

I'm just a little concerned I will flatline forever and I will never be back as the guy I used to be... cant wait to have my life back.

hi GX70,

it's good to have you here. So many people with the same problems. I also came a long way, and finally after so many years my reboot is going great. To me and my partner, this site was very helpful. We read a lot of stories here ,and it gets us talking.
I don't know if you have a partner right now, but it's easier to share the burden. On your journey probably there will be a lot of triggers, who can throw you off balance. The easy way can be to relapse into old habits.It's feels safe and secure, especially when you are not.
I know now that it's possible to stay clean and rewire your brain. Believe me, you can. Also I'm convinced that pied is the direct result of PA.
As I am rebooting now, I feel to have my life back and in control again. My brain becomes sharp, and I'm able to relate to people around me. Self esteem has gone up, and really feeling good. This makes me even more determined, to end this fight.
I just know I have a better person inside me, which I've lost a long time ago.My partner deserves this "better me", nothing less.
So keep up your strength, stay committed, and keep posting.
All the best !

Hey buddy. Welcome. Read my Success Story. Gay man here too--we sound like we started in a similar place. I'm about six months ahead of you on this journey, you might be able to learn a few things from my journal to help you along. Feel free to shoot me a question. Flatlining won't last forever. Mine lasted about a month.

Overall I'm doing well, but lately have had some cam/fetish stuff creep back in. Be careful. You really have to shut it all down. I think especially at first to spur brain change.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=4018.0

thanks guys.

@Phase2

Yes definitely we share a lot. It has been insightful to read your story.

@hopeful

Even if its just a couple of weeks for me, I feel some of your same feelings, self esteem, clarity, determination.

GX70 said:

Not even feeling sick with a flu or uber tired would stop me. Porn came in at first, in my life,

Click to expand...

Boy can I relate. I can't remember all of the times that I was sooo sick... but I was still able to pleasure myself.

Glad to have you here and I hope the best for your reboot. Hang tough and it will eventually get better!

How are you doing GX70? Hanging in there? Give us an update, please.

so.. mmm.. third week into this new adventure

I decided to do this weekly so I can put together all my feelings, experiences and realisations in a more consistent way.

From the PMO point of view... its all going fine. I didn't have the impulse to get there and it feels pretty odd since it was such a constant routine in my life. I thought about that a couple of times but more because of the idea of the habit (sort of to test myself if I'm in denial/forcing myself or I really not feel like going there), not because of the urge (zero urge really). Reality is I feel like I dont give a damn :/

I always thought I was this hypersexual guy who couldn't help jerking off a few times a day but I'm actually realising that my hyper sexuality was actually generated by porn and social apps exposure.
Which kind of scare me a little, cause I am totally flatlining at the moment. I do have morning woods but it all pretty much ends there. I'm like zero interested in sex and its almost like I feel I can live my life without it.. forever.

For the first time in.. probably 20 years I fantasised about someone real in a more romantic/sexual fashion.. in my head, lying in bed on a sunday morning. It felt similar to my teenage / pre-porn years. That felt good and very sweet (opposed to extreme/raunchy of my porn routine) but couldnt really see me having sex, for real.

On a practical level, I have more energy/clarity, but especially I am doing things that was not capable to handle before. I would skip errands or work or training cause I was too tired/empty after PMO and of course now it feels like I have so much more time. Its really cool to feel free during the day without the obsession to get back home/turn off the phone to engage my usual routine. At times even traveling or going out would freak me out since it would have meant no chance to have my 'moments'.

I just feel... like OLD. Like an old man who loves to read and listen to music but has no more interest in having sex. Because of my job I am exposed to male body but other than an intellectual realisation that someone is beautiful (just like I would think a car is) I dont feel the sexual attraction nor the impulse.

Overall I realize now how PMO is totally artificial, like getting scared on purpose watching a horror. It just freaks me out I will never get back to normal. I wonder if I was normal in the first place anyway.

Anyway, lets just say I'm totally flatlining since day one. But we'll see what happens...

You are doing great. Don't worry about the flatline. It time that will pass. What is important is the success you have had during this whole process. You said that you were amazed because PMO was such a part of your life. I had similar thoughts. I thought I needed that fix.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you and enjoying hearing of your success!

Peace brother

bob said:

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you and enjoying hearing of your success!

Click to expand...

Thanks Bob, your support helps me being more confident about my future. XX

I have a quick question for you guys. In two months I am going to have a friend over to visit from abroad, something that has been planned long time ago. Nothing like planned sex, but it could be a possibility given the kind of relationship we have.

Now I'm very conflicted, not as I usually would be just for my response to it, but also at this point... would it interfere with my no PMO process? What's your experience and suggestions?

You may not like this, but it's impossible to say.  Unfortunately, everyone heals at different rates and the healing is non-linear....so it's impossible to say if you'll be ok by then.

Now...from my gut and personal experience...2 months plus the fact you have gone almost a month already...I would try if it feels right.

From my own situation, I have a wife I love and find sexually attractive.  I am truly comfortable with her and we've had good sex for about 16 years.  Now I'm a bit OCD (not in a As Good As It Gets kind of way...most people think I'm laid back even though I can't sit still for 5 minutes.  I'm hyperactive, worrier, fun loving energetic guy), but even after only having 1 incident of ED in the past year (and we've been going at it it on average 3 times a week for the last 6 months), I still have anxiety if it is planned.  If the sex is spontaneous...no big deal.  If I know it it coming then I worry about my ability leading up to it.  My erection always works now, but I do stress out.

We are all different.  You may heal in days, weeks or months. Stay the course and you'll be fine.

So 4th week 'completed'.

Overall I feel progressively better in different areas of my life. I have way more physical energy, either for different activities and for sports. I am way less depressed if not at all. This kind of make me crazy/angry a little bit in the sense nobody, shrink or doctors, ever suggested to me about masturbation & porn possibly being one of the major causes of my psico-physical imbalance. I'm thinking about so many years of struggle wasted like that...

About the sexual part, mostly I'm still flatlining. If I could describe my relationship (or no relationship actually) with porn at the moment, I cant help comparing it to a love relationship break-up.

You have a relationship with someone for a long time, time when you think your life impossible without that person. Then one day something breaks in you and you dont see the person in the same way.. it seems impossible to even go on in that relationship for even just one day.

Thats pretty much how I think about porn right now. It  just doesnt make any sense.. it seems stupid.

If I miss something every now and then, its the 'hobby' of passing time, when I'm bored, with pmo. But it is not strong (I had various addiction so I know what 'strong' means when it comes to an addiction).

Of course I'm still curious / worried, whats gonna happen when at some point I will have sex with someone. But I try not to think about it too much.

I'm enjoying your posts, GX. You're definitely still flatlining. I had the same sort of feelings, no sexual interest or desire and great energy to work out. Once I started easing out of flatline around Day 45 or so, my horniness returned in fits and starts and eventually my workouts went back to normal as well. I have a feeling by the time your friend visits, you will be well on the way to the rewiring stage. But I wouldn't 'plan' for anything. At that moment if it feels right, do it. If it doesn't, don't. You may want to tell him about your no PMO experiment too. That seems to take some of the pressure off for me when I do that. And you'll be doing him a favor. Everyone should be aware of the dangers of porn.

I know what you mean about feeling OLD. But as a gay man, I get so frustrated with all my friends who are in their 40s and 50s and 60s still running around like they are 17 acting like sex crazed idiots. I know it's a product of our hypersexualized porno culture, but it's like they have no dignity. When I think of my father in his mature years, I would have been embarrassed if he had acted the same way about sex and women. So, look for that balance. Not OLD as in decrepit, but old as in mature, wiser, more dignified. We can still have great sex thats meaningful and hot, but we don't have to act like fools and whack off like monkeys at a zoo and howling at every naked butt.

Cheers, buddy. Stay strong!