From 100 to 0 in 3 days flat

3 days ago, I celebrated 30 straight days without porn or masturbation. I was on the road to recovery. The day after, an unexpected trigger caused me to masturbate. No big deal, right? Stay vigilant and keep at it. Today, just now, I PMO'd and I'm beside myself. It's my own damn fault. I let myself be tempted. I let myself look at... things. It was as though this last month taught me absolutely nothing. The dopamine was heightened after the other night's "episode" and my brain's neurons were stronger than my will. I argued in my own head and tried to talk myself down. I fought every step of the way, but I still lost. Even a second of weakness gave way to more. I was powerless. I watched my dreams of recovery melt before my very eyes as I relapsed into a pattern I told myself I'd never repeat again. I was powerless to stop it. Once instinct and routine took over, all I could do is watch. It felt like my mind was an impenetrable fortress, then a feather landed on top and it all came crumbling down. I was so proud of myself. So determined. 30 days of sobriety did nothing. The neural pathways in my head that are addicted to porn are still as strong as ever. My willpower is weak now. I had a golden opportunity and I blew it. I don't know when I'll be able to muster up the strength to try to kick my addiction again. Even now as I sit here typing this I think, "Might as well do another one. If you're going to relapse might as well go all-in." I know that's insane, but sometimes it happens. I feel like I just lost everything. I can't go back to who I was. My brain can't collapse again. What do I do? Can anyone help me? I never dreamed I could go from so high to so low over so little time. I've lost it all. How can I get it back? I'll do anything.

Did you really lose it all? Are you saying you haven't learned anything at all in this process? Relapse is honestly inevitable to 99% of people if we're being real here. What's important is what you take from each experience and how you better yourself over the long term. I've been at this for 3 or so years now and I still relapse. But my relapses have grown fewer and farther between and I don't binge like I used to. PMO's significance in my life is ever so slowly being chipped away. Hopefully it doesn't take you as long as it's taking me to get completely clean but do recognize that going 30 days without watching porn is a huge accomplishment that doesn't just go away because you relapsed. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

You're right. I have learned a lot. I just wish I could have done more. I appreciate the words of encouragement and advice. It truly is helpful. Thank you.

I happens to us all WoundedSparrow. Two months ago i made it to 29 days without PMO but then i relapsed for 5-6 days. Then i went for 3 weeks straight without PMO and then relapsed for 2 days. Now, i'm 5 days without it and just got over a huge craving yesterday. Those streaks ended true but i've learned a lot. I've learned about triggers and how to avoid them. I've learned that i should only move forward. I have failed twice before but does that mean i'm gonna give up ? Never, remember "You never fail until you stop trying." I recommend you to take pride in your one month streak and begin again right now. Wish you all the best.

See, this is why I hate people talking about streaks.  This convinces us that we're only as good as our latest "streak" and this isn't true.  In reality your 30 day PMO period did some good rewiring, and I bet you learned a lot.  The trick is not to binge and give yourself a vacation from rebooting.  Get back on there as soon as possible, and you can say to yourself that you had back to back streaks that were X long, or that you had an X long period with only two relapses, or whatever.

Porn wants you to think you're worthless and that quitting is hopeless.  That is why you feel most worthless after a relapse, because porn has the most power at that moment.  Don't let it have that power!

30 days of no porn is huge. Your brain rewired in that period, it was progress. Slipping back into porn is part of it, if we no one ever relapsed then we'd all wonder if we were even addicted. Its the nature of addiction that it overpowers us, but we keep getting back onto the sobriety boat, over and over, and then in time the neural porn pathways weaken ,and longer and longer sobriety becomes possible, until we're free and porn is gone. Slips are part of the greater picture that is recovery. Keep at it, this was an awesome post and it helped me. Im in the same boat, but in the last two years ive had in total over a year of no porn.... Its a battle, painful sometimes, but 100% worth it. Thanks for this post, keep at it.

I tend to agree with DoneAtLast and hutch144. Going on long periods definitely rewires parts of our brain. The key as both these gentlemen said is to get back to quitting porn asap to continue rewiring and rebooting your brain. And remember if it was easy everyone would've done it and porn industry would've ceased to exist. You are a strong person because you managed to go 30 days without it while there are probably millions of people who can't go 30 hours without it. Keep up the good work.

I am joining in to say that you started.

So, you made a mistake. Don't let the shame and isolation get the better of you. Anytime I have lapsed, I felt like shit but it doesn't really help. In fact I think it made me thing that all was lost and, "hey I might as well...

Your here. Your are working towards your goal.

I think you are doing great. Just keep going.

Peace

Fantastic advice from everyone.  But at the end of the day, I can tell you there are layers of recovery, starting with, just don't PMO.  That is it.  It is a fricken choice!  Is it an addiction?  You bet!  Is it a compulsive action?  Yes.  Is it tough as nails to overcome from this addiction?  Yes.

All of the above are true statements.  But at the end of the dau your job here is to not PMO.  So, if there was a chart that showed the process of rebooting, at the bottom would be, just don't! 

I don't care if you lose your job, your significant other breaks up with you, and your dog dies all on the same day.  There is never an excuse to act out.  Just don 't do it.  Believe me, numbing your emotions to what happens in life never helps anyone. 

Step 1.  Don't act out.

Step 2, now that is the process of finding therapeutic activities to replace porn and fix that void.  You aren't filling in the void.  That just replaces one addiction with another.  You fix the tear in yourself.

You are at step one.  Don't even worry about step two yet.  Just get through your days without PMOing.  One day after another.  Then you can worry about fixing ypurself.

This advice is my own lived experience and it contradicts that that comes from the self help, addiction treatment culture.

I went to AA for a year.  I know how that cult works.  But that is for another threat in another part kf the internet.

Take my advice and work on self control.  You won't  regret it.

Rich

I seem to read a lot of posts on here about how people fail because they relapse.  People need to stop seeing a relapse as a failure, and see it more as a learning experience.  What could you do better?  When the urge hits, are you going to let it take over, or are you going to find a way to deal with it?  This is why I don't count days.  Everybody slips up sometimes.

Update: Last night was a disaster. Didn't get much sleep the night before, but I was wired for whatever reason so I was exhausted and felt the need to sleep but became unable to. Tried to go to bed at 7pm and couldn't do it. Brain was overwhelmed with a combination of cravings and unwanted obsessive compulsive thoughts. To make matters worse, a personal issue came up which really brought me down emotionally. Distracted myself for several hours then tried going to bed again. It felt as though a war was being waged in my head. I was exhausted and I wanted to sleep, meanwhile intrusive thoughts and urges coupled with depression over my day flooded my mind. The old me would have been proud at how many hours I spent fighting back. I knew that all of the triggers that usually would make me want to PMO had taken up residence in my head at the same time. I fought them off time and time again. I knew it was all an illusion to get me to relapse. My brain was fighting me. All I wanted was to go to sleep. I took a sleeping pill as a last resort but it had no immediate effect like it usually does. Eventually, I decided that I was either going to have to stay up all night and fight myself or just take care of it and go to sleep. I spent almost 2 straight hours looking through porn, the longest I think I have ever done. Eventually, I finished and was out within minutes. Now I sit here in the aftermath having PMO'd 3 times in a week after a 30 day streak wondering if I'll ever be able to get back on the wagon. I have never faced an obstacle like this before in my life. So many factors assaulted my mind at the same time. I suppose I just have to get better at dealing with them. I held out for a long time, which is more than I can usually say. Not exactly a victory in my book considering the result.

holycabbage said:

need to stop seeing a relapse as a failure

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Like he said. Learn, adjust, begin again.

You can do this. Honest, you can.

It is difficult but it can be done.