Journal - Start date 21/09 - Looking for advices and accountability partner

Hi everyone  !

I know a lot of us are struggling with porn addiction and that we all have our own personal story about how and why we use porn.
I thought I would share my story in a short and concise way. If it helps one of you guys, great ! If not hope it gives perspective anyway.


History

Started to use porn at 14 years old.
Got addicted to it really fast. I'm talking serious addiction. PMO twice a day and much more on week-ends.
I used porn on a daily basis for more than 12 years and it fucked me up.

Effects

I use porn as a tranquilizer or an anesthetic. It "helps" me not to worry about not taking charge of my life. It helps me repress all kinds of issues I have. 
Porn affects my relations to others, to women and with myself.
It depresses me, kills any motivation I have of doing anything and makes me self-conscious about not having pornstar-sized genitalia..
It makes me loose faith in any kind of truthful relationship.
It basically makes me think that all women are w****s and that life is just about domination..Love and fidelity becomes a mathematical function of your d**k size.

I just know that I'm missing out on so much thinking like that.


Recovery

I tried to quit a couple of times on my own. My longest streak was about 2 months of without porn and masturbating to porn substitute, but I eventually relapsed big time.
I couldn't stop rationalizing my actions.
I would tell myself that quitting porn was retarded, that porn isn't as bad as those "weirdos and geeks online" say (yeah sorry guys, I'm a real asshole when I'm frustrated).

Help needed

I'm seriously committing myself to get off this hardcore drug. (Because I believe that pornographic material is a hardcore drug). But I struggle with a lot of issues that are making me relapse.

1) First, this "flatline" period for me takes FOREVER. I have 0 libido when I quit. I'm taking the libido of a eunuch monk.

2) BIG withdrawal symptoms : Depression, anger, jealousy...you name it ! I'm not exactly good with girls and I'm even worse with girls that I'm actually attracted to. So I'm living in sexual misery. Which makes stopping porn even worse.

3) And this is the worst to admit at 27 years old...but ED. Yeah, I can't get excited without thinking or watching porn. The few times I had intercourse with a girl, I would think of porn to get hard. Without it, nothing moves me. And with ED comes a lot of other symptoms (low motivation, poor performance in sport, mood swings) that make it hard not rationalize starting again.

4) I'm trigger sensitive. Alcohol, and low top at work, music clips, ... After 2 weeks, I became this hypersensitive overcharged battery. I accumulate a huge amount of frustration on the outside world, and as soon as I get home...it becomes impossible to sit down in front of the computer without wanting to let it go.

Help offered

I successfully quit smoking fours years ago by myself. I successfully lost weight and got in shape the past two years ago by myself. I successfully graduated from a very good university without any help whatsoever.
But this quitting porn is unlike anything I've ever tried before.
I can't do it alone. 

I'm ready to find a accountability partner so we can support each other and help each other out.

I will make it an nonnegotiable habit of coming everyday on the forum. Help some other threads and write a little bit everyday. 


Conclusion

I sometimes thing that quitting porn is worst than quitting heroine. I wish I'd never fell into it.

Bros...we are getting pimped out by a freaking machine  . We sit down in front of it and give it our life energy. I'm ready to quit it once and for all and endure the long journey to freedom.

Let's do this !!

Man ?

Do you hate porn ?

Hi Axel,

Welcome to the Nation!  I would be happy to be your accountability partner.  I've learned a lot during my reboot and am happy to share.  I have a detailed journal in this section "squid's journal", other do too.  I recommend you post everyday for the first two months.

Hey Axel, welcome!
Read everything you can here in this forum!
We'll rid off this shit forever!

Hey guys !

I will read your posts and try to learn from them.
Right now it's the 8th day and it's sucks ! Name of scenes and actresses are popping into my head all day. Mainly because I didn't go out today or did anything productive.
Everytime I rest at home, it's hard to fight off the urges. I edged without any material for a little while, then stopped.

I think reading materials on the effects of porn on the brain would help me.

I'm kinda tired and I have an early day tomorrow. I'll be more detailed tomorrow.

Oh and P.S :

-Squid I'll PM you
-Arthur : I don't hate porn. I don't like my addiction to it.

2 things that i have found useful when i have urges are :

1/ going out and exercize or go shopping for food. Dont buy too much food so that you can go again later if you need to fight an other urge. Buying food provides me a reward because i anticipate the good stuff am a eat. A reward instead of PMO.

2/ reading NoFap benefits reports on YBOP when i feel an urge. When you get done reading them for 20 minutes, usually the urge is gone.

Day 9 of hardmode

Normal work day today. I was kind off moody in the morning but that was because of a lack of sleep I think.
I feel like it's somewhat easier to be social with people, which is good because I tend to be awkward with people. I work in a big city but commute everyday from a suburb nearby.

I live in a small town, about 15 000 inhabitants, besides from a gym, a judo club and local pubs, there isn't much to do outside.
Once I come home, and after I eat. The hardest part begins. I come home around 7. Eat and watch shows until 8.
Then I have two to three hours before bed.
I try to make it productive, but all I think about is how bad I want to use porn. I start rationalizing telling myself that I'm over-exaggerating, that my dick is going to go flat and disappear if I don't use it.
Then desperation over not being able to pick up girls to have sex with comes...
Anyway, you get the picture. A whirlwind of bad emotions.

Coming here and writing about it helps. Reading some other threads as well. Knowing that other people are trying to get out of this makes me feel slightly better.

I don't think I'm going to use tonight.

Stay strong

Day 15 of hard mode

Well I actually had sex with a girl since I quit porn..Already seeing some positive coming out of stopping.
The troubling thing is, even though the sex was good...I enjoyed it less than porn  .

Yesterday, I got drunk with my best friend and today I'm stuck at home with a hangover and I'm battling with myself to not watch any kind of substitute that will inevitably lead me to watch porn.
It's weird, but having sex with a girl made me want to watch porn even more.

Has this ever happened to you guys ?

P.S : Because of my crazy work schedule, I don't have the energy to post everyday.

If you did it for 2 months then you know about withdrawals . so you can do it this time also.just know the fear of relapse is also a cycle of addiction. So don't loss against triggers. Congratulations for day 15.

Axel_Libre said:

Day 15 of hard mode

Well I actually had sex with a girl since I quit porn..Already seeing some positive coming out of stopping.
The troubling thing is, even though the sex was good...I enjoyed it less than porn  .

Yesterday, I got drunk with my best friend and today I'm stuck at home with a hangover and I'm battling with myself to not watch any kind of substitute that will inevitably lead me to watch porn.
It's weird, but having sex with a girl made me want to watch porn even more.

Has this ever happened to you guys ?

P.S : Because of my crazy work schedule, I don't have the energy to post everyday.

Click to expand...

As your streak gets longer this will start to shift as you spend more time with a woman and the pmo pathways get overwritten.

Day 1 of hardmode

I fucked up...The night before writing you guys this message I spent my whole sunday hangover and I started to slip.
My trigger was sex with a real woman...I PMO'd twice..I didn't even enjoyed it. I felt pretty shitty after and I was moody this whole monday.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. Plus I just read your messages and I felt even worse.
The sex was good, but I didn't get this ultimate high I used to get off porn. I got frustrated and the next day, I slipped.

Triggers
Being alone in front of my computer for more than 30 minutes.
Never again. I will write every night about my issues instead of just letting boredom get the best of me.

My questions to you guys is :

-When you want to rest, how do you not fall into the trap of being alone in your room, and in the same room as your computer ?

Me too i often relapse when i am tired and want to rest lying down with my laptop on my belly.
Then it leads me to relapse because of exhaustion.

Your question is a good question.
The obvious answer that part of you probably doesnt want to hear is : get rid of your computer in your room. Dont allow computer in your room.

An other angle of attack is to get so busy during the day and all the time, that when you get to your bed, you will fall asleep.
Get yourself busy as hell outside. At least for a few months until.you think that you are rebooted enough.

That is why i went to Paris this week end, and tomorrow i will just allow me 5 hours of sleep after work (i sleep in the morning after my night shift) and then spend the afternoon in an other city socializing and working. Then i ll be back in town just on time for work.

And thus i add days to my streak, where i did not even have time to find myself in a dangerous place.

Others recommend meditation.
When the urge arises, observe it and dont act on it. Only lay on your bed and observe your urge, and let it go patiently.

Axel,
Install a porn blocker, that's the point.
Also you can try to read 5 or 10 pages of a book, relax trough meditation and go to bed to sleep.