I?m a 19 year old male college student.
When I was six years old, I was diagnosed with type one diabetes. At the onset of puberty, around 13 or 14, I developed minor gynecomastia, which I found very distressing. I saw two or three different doctors for it, and was assured it would go away. It did not, and at 18 I had surgery to have it removed. Other things about my physical appearance also significantly bothered me; I felt like my hips were wider than normal, and fat seemed to build on them. Even with the gyno gone, my chest and arms still looked sort of feminine. Muscle seemed to go to my legs and butt significantly easier than my upper body, and I generally feel like I?m sort of out of proportion. I also have little body hair, and can?t grow facial hair beyond my chin. I also have a slightly receding hairline.
In the first semester of my first year of college, I began experiencing reduced interest in sex and having a hard time maintaining an erection during masturbation and sexual intercourse. I saw a general practitioner for this issue, and expressed to him that I was concerned I had XXY syndrome or some other hormonal issue. He pulled my testosterone and my genetic karyotype, which came back normal. My testosterone was also very high, around 900 something. After a discussion about my lifestyle and potential contributing factors, we decided that my internet porn use as a teenager was the likely culprit.
I?ve had an on and off relationship with being able to stay away from internet porn, reaching up to six months away from it. I still had very low libido, and anytime I went back to it, it was because I freaked out that there was some other issue causing my ED and I have many times anxiously forced myself to masturbate to porn and reach orgasm without a solid erection, only worsening my anxiety. My time away from internet porn helped only marginally in my ability to maintain erections, but my general interest in sex seemed to be generally replaced with anxiety.
Around this time, I was speaking to a recovery coach and he suggested that I had some form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I am still currently seeing a therapist for OCD, which helps considerably, but has not resolved the core, confusing issues plaguing my life since puberty.
Today, I?m about two weeks clean of pornography and my penis and testicles have been considerably smaller for the past maybe four months, and my ability to maintain an erection is still very iffy, regardless of if I watch porn or not. My hips are still wider than I?d like, and I still feel unsuccessful and gross at the gym. These issues are causing me serious mental anguish as a 19 year old, and are leading to depression, apathy about school, and recently, self harm.
I have to wear clothes that make me look less weirdly shaped, and I avoid relationships with people I find attractive on account of my sexual dysfunction.
I feel disgusting, broken, and sub human. I would like to speak to someone about these issues, but I don?t know who to turn to. I?m not sure if a urologist, endocrinologist, or which doctor has the specific answers, or what qualifications which doctors have or who can help me. I don?t want to embarrass myself more than necessary and talk to the wrong person.
I feel almost as if I have some sort of gender dysphoria about not aligning with my very own gender, like I?m some sort of broken or unfinished male.
Any help or advice would be very welcomed, thank you for listening.
P.S. ? I?m not asking for mental health advice! I have an OCD therapist and this stuff bothers me even when I?m not ?symptomatic? or ?compulsing?. I do not intend to self harm again, but these issues have been bothering me since I was about 12, and can only stay bottled for so long. The issue here is the issue, not my poor response to the issues.
Thanks.
When I was six years old, I was diagnosed with type one diabetes. At the onset of puberty, around 13 or 14, I developed minor gynecomastia, which I found very distressing. I saw two or three different doctors for it, and was assured it would go away. It did not, and at 18 I had surgery to have it removed. Other things about my physical appearance also significantly bothered me; I felt like my hips were wider than normal, and fat seemed to build on them. Even with the gyno gone, my chest and arms still looked sort of feminine. Muscle seemed to go to my legs and butt significantly easier than my upper body, and I generally feel like I?m sort of out of proportion. I also have little body hair, and can?t grow facial hair beyond my chin. I also have a slightly receding hairline.
In the first semester of my first year of college, I began experiencing reduced interest in sex and having a hard time maintaining an erection during masturbation and sexual intercourse. I saw a general practitioner for this issue, and expressed to him that I was concerned I had XXY syndrome or some other hormonal issue. He pulled my testosterone and my genetic karyotype, which came back normal. My testosterone was also very high, around 900 something. After a discussion about my lifestyle and potential contributing factors, we decided that my internet porn use as a teenager was the likely culprit.
I?ve had an on and off relationship with being able to stay away from internet porn, reaching up to six months away from it. I still had very low libido, and anytime I went back to it, it was because I freaked out that there was some other issue causing my ED and I have many times anxiously forced myself to masturbate to porn and reach orgasm without a solid erection, only worsening my anxiety. My time away from internet porn helped only marginally in my ability to maintain erections, but my general interest in sex seemed to be generally replaced with anxiety.
Around this time, I was speaking to a recovery coach and he suggested that I had some form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I am still currently seeing a therapist for OCD, which helps considerably, but has not resolved the core, confusing issues plaguing my life since puberty.
Today, I?m about two weeks clean of pornography and my penis and testicles have been considerably smaller for the past maybe four months, and my ability to maintain an erection is still very iffy, regardless of if I watch porn or not. My hips are still wider than I?d like, and I still feel unsuccessful and gross at the gym. These issues are causing me serious mental anguish as a 19 year old, and are leading to depression, apathy about school, and recently, self harm.
I have to wear clothes that make me look less weirdly shaped, and I avoid relationships with people I find attractive on account of my sexual dysfunction.
I feel disgusting, broken, and sub human. I would like to speak to someone about these issues, but I don?t know who to turn to. I?m not sure if a urologist, endocrinologist, or which doctor has the specific answers, or what qualifications which doctors have or who can help me. I don?t want to embarrass myself more than necessary and talk to the wrong person.
I feel almost as if I have some sort of gender dysphoria about not aligning with my very own gender, like I?m some sort of broken or unfinished male.
Any help or advice would be very welcomed, thank you for listening.
P.S. ? I?m not asking for mental health advice! I have an OCD therapist and this stuff bothers me even when I?m not ?symptomatic? or ?compulsing?. I do not intend to self harm again, but these issues have been bothering me since I was about 12, and can only stay bottled for so long. The issue here is the issue, not my poor response to the issues.
Thanks.
