This post includes does include triggers which might be harmful for for some readers
I'm 47 days in my reboot. Starting on a good note ... no porn this year, although I have had a couple of skirmishes with p-subs and MO'ing. The headline is that I have been able to survive a weekend without PMO, housebound inside due the the bad weather, whilst my wife visits family and friends in her hometown. This situation is a major trigger for me.
Over the weekend I have been able to gather my thoughts, and understand how I got myself into this situation I am. I apologise for rambling on, but the process has been a massive help, and I've been inspired to do after reading some of the other stories.
If you're not aware, it's Valentine's day this weekend and my wife organised the trip to her hometown a couple of weekends ago to coincide with her weekend off from working ... which gives a good indication of the state of our marriage :-[ When I reminded her of the occasion, and suggested that we could go away together, she cited that she didn't realise ... and that we don't normally do anything any way!
My wife has been going through a bad patch during the last couple of years. My addiction got in the way of me giving her the support and love she needed, so I have to accept that she wanted to spend the weekend with her family and friends.
I'm 50 years old, and my porn addiction goes back to my early teens when I was shy, lacked self esteem, and socially awkward. I read another post that I could relate to about having strong parents. I wasn't allowed to start taking on responsibility for my own life at that age. Many decisions that should have been mine, were taken for me.
I remember at that time that if the family was watching TV and there was any scenes of nudity or sex, the TV was promptly switch to another channel ... and so it was curiosity that led me to start buying the porn magazines.
It was ironic that whilst I lacked confidence to even talk to a girl at school, I was bold enough to go into the local newsagent and discreetly buy a "top shelf" magazine. The shop owner knew I was underage, but as long as there wasn't anyone else in the shop, no one was none the wiser.
As soon as I had saved enough money after starting my first job, in the late 80's, I bought a TV and VCR to go in my bedroom, and was able to rent out the porn movies from the local rental shop. I even used to dub the videos using the family VCR in the living room, and started to build up my own collection.
... and so my addiction was fuelled because watching porn was easier then going through the whole rigmarole of dating.
During my 20's, in the mid 90's, I frequently visited the red light districts over in Europe. My first visit was with a group of lads I was working with, but I continued to discreetly visit on my own.
By the late 90's / early 2000's, internet porn came along and the whole landscape changed. It took away all the challenges and expenses previously encountered. I was living on my own at that time, and therefore wasn't accountable to anyone else for the hours I spent surfing the net, and watching the stuff.
When the internet was first introduce a dial-up connection over the telephone line could only accommodate pictures and texts. People who tried to call me often noted that the "line was always engaged". As broadband speeds increased on a seperate connection to the telephone, porn became more accessible still, and I look back now and realise how the extreme nature of the crap I was watching was shifting.
All this was going on behind closed doors. Outwardly my job and my life were going well. I was often asked "why hasn't a nice guy like you got yourself a girlfriend?" ... I couldn't possibly reply with my thoughts ... "who needs a girlfriend when you've got porn?"
I met my wife unintentionally at a BBQ party. My manager's wife had organised him a surprise party, and I reluctantly went along although I knew there wouldn't be many people who I would recognise. I got introduced to a lady who is now my wife, and in hindsight the relationship progressed too quickly. The situation I found myself in was a novelty ... a new experience for me. We did get married, but it didn't stop my addiction. My continuing porn addiction set unrealistic expectations which I realise now impacted the early years of our marriage. My triggers are when my wife is out of the house and I'm alone.
My wife did suspect, and has confronted me about my porn use, but there weren't any major bust-up. Instead the issue has manifested itself in other ways. The trust in the relationship was knocked down and we've just been slowly been drifting apart.
I sympathise with the posts about being in a sexless marriage. Despite efforts to overcome my porn addiction ... it still continued, being driven as a substitute to not having intimacy in marriage.
As mentioned above, my wife is going through her own mental health challenges (not as a result of our marriage), but the state of our marriage hasn't helped, and my addiction and and meant that I haven't been able to support her as much as I should have. I've found myself entrapped in a vicious circle, that has spiraled out of control.
So why is this reboot going to be any different you ask? ... I am motivated by a feeling of being ashamed, guilt, and hopelessness. I need to salvage my marriage. I fear where my life could go if I don't reboot?
I'm 47 days into my reboot (which started on New Year's Eve). No porn ... a couple of skirmishes with p-subs and MO'ing which I need to address, but I am feeling a lot better, and optimistic.
Thank you for reading, and for the guys who have posted their stories, which encouraged me to own up and share mine.