Wow, I thought it may have been a few months since I have posted here, but JULY!! Time has slipped by once again.
Anyway, I relapsed and have been doing my thing....but the last week I have been out of control and u want to get back on the wagon and start working at this again.
My primary reason is to get rid of suicidal thoughts, yes it has gone that far and my addiction is a direct cause because off porn I live myself and can feel great, while on porn I'm the opposite, but that's all been said before.
I know that the way to achieve any success is to fully commit.
I'm exhausted, I can't stop pmo, 5hours/per day, maybe 2houra in the afternoon and 3hours at night. thought about blowing my head off with a gun, I thought about suicide, the only thing that eased the feelings of despair was more porn. I thought I would get fed up with porn, but you can have whatever you want whenever you want, it is crippling.
It's so easily accessible, I have lost the plot with it all.
Ultimately loneliness may drive this addiction, but a part of me is just a greedy pig and that's the part I must let go.
I don't deserve to be in pain, but it's the path I have chosen, regardless of my mental health. I hold my hands up. As "awesome" as porn is, it will destroy your soul, or at least it has mine.
Apologies, I know this is all jibberish but I must vent on my return.
Btw a few weeks ago I had a little run, and woke up one morning g feeling great, after 3 days. Let's do that again.
I hope to be more honest this time and I know I will post everyday as it helps a lot.
Anyway even 1- day clean will be a great start...