What will I do with my extra time?

So I have a 10 page paper due for a grad class at 11:59:59 tonight.,  I know 10 pages isn't much, but it's in German and requires a lot of re-reading.  I would have finished it sooner, but during a break at about 2:30 am I decided to have a wank.  I have been on to my dangerous ways for a while now, so I vowed to make it quick, which I already knew was a lie.  As if in a trance (God, help the human race...) I had a porn marathon and watched the hours fly in my quest for the perfect scene to blow it to.  By about 7 am, I decided to choose one clip and stick with it. 

An activity that was once fun has become a task that's lost its luster.  It still feels good, but it's not nearly as enjoyable.  I've been having mild ED (is that called wobbly wood?) unless super turned by being engulfed in porn and I've had a few DOs, which were weird because you can't know what it's like until you experience it.  I recall saying, "ummm, we're not done here yet..."  I'm aware of the need to increase the level of stimulation in order to be satisfied, which also sucks because I know if I don't, it will just last that much longer.

I started watching porn in 7th grade, when we still had dialup and the pages couldn't load fast enough, and it's been pretty steady since then.  1-3 times a day, more on weekends if I don't have plans, but sometimes it's 2 times, since it can take a long time.  I have been late to meet-ups with friends and late to work a few times which isn't good, but my friends know I'm always late (because I'm slow, too) but it is guilt inducing when I know the truth.

It's embarrassing to type this, because as I reread this post, it clearly indicates that my problem is larger than previously thought and I'm not a fairly-good functioning jack addict as I'd like to believe.  To begin, I'm setting a small goal of 12 days w/o PMO.  By then my grad classes will be done and then I can set a new, longer goal.  I set up the adult content controls on my laptop, so gaining access to the contraband will be harder.  I also deleted tumblr (a former cherished friend) and other hook up apps from my phone in order to inhibit the possibility of getting a look at a naked selfie, etc.  My cellphone may now have no function...I guess I could call someone.  One challenge that I'm already dealing with is how to keep my hands from creeping into my pants when I'm legitimately working at the computer.

Well bros, that's my confession, cheers to the return of fun orgasms.
 
W

William

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I think you are the beginning of a journey.  I think you have a lot of tools in place that will help you get where you are going, but, also, I see gaps in your story that probably ought to be addressed.  For instance, I know that porn has become a problem for you, but, why are you quitting?  What good do you see, what value do you see, in quitting?  It helps to have a good reason when quitting.  Also, I, and most addicts, have a real problem with "quitting" porn.  Most of us, at least initially, see this place as a place to get our porn abuse under control, but not to eliminate porn in our lives.  I see you are going for a 12 day PMO free period, but have you ever thought of giving up porn for life, and, during that 12 day period, do you plan on not watching porn?  A lot of guys focus on the mechanics of the problem, but, really, this problem is 100% in the brain, above the belt, so even if you are not PMOing, but are still watching porn, you are prolonging the problem, not fixing it. 

Some of the key concepts I do not see in your post are "addiction" and "dopamine."  I do see you are aware of porn blockers and are using them, which is absolutely necessary.  I don't see any thing about "withdrawals", so that means you do not conceive of yourself as addicted, you have not experienced them, or you really are not addicted. 

One thing you said which makes me think your problem is very real is "An activity that was once fun has become a task that's lost its luster."  Same with me, toward the end.  Porn felt like a choir, like something I had to do, had to get out of the way.  The usual reason for that is, by the time it gets to that point, porn is a choir, it is the thing we do to get a dopamine rush.  A lot of things in this world are fun, but getting a dopamine fix because on some level you feel you have to, sucks.  Best drug in the world, dopamine, and porn is the button we push to get it.  Porn addicts can choose to watch porn, but if a porn addict chooses to watch porn they have no choice but to receive a dopamine rush.  That is simple science, cause and effect, stimuls and response.  You talked of a porn marathon and watching hours for the perfect scene.  That is indicative of porn addiction.  Why?  Dopamine is a drug that rewards searching for sex.  Not getting it, searching for it.  The part of our brain that rewards itself with a dopamine high cannot tell sex from porn.  It is funny you use the word "quest" in describing your search for the perfect scene.  The hours you spent on your quest were hours you spent pumping dopamine into your brain.  You may not have known it, understood it, but that is how that habit quietly becomes an addiction 

Of course, you may not be addicted, but for me, acknowledging I was was the first big step I took in getting clean.  I have a tread I started for newbies, if you would care to read it. 

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

It might give you some ideas on how to totally quit. 

Peace.

Will I AM.
 
Hey William, thanks for the great questions.  I think I've answered everything below.

1. I know that porn has become a problem for you, but, why are you quitting?  What good do you see, what value do you see, in quitting? I'm quitting, because I am noticing that it is a time waster, without much benefit, and ED/DO at 29 is scary,  I think the value will be to be in control of my sexuality.  The problem is, is that I don't want to never JO again, but it seems excessive, especially because it is a task, rather than a pleasure.  Plus I'd rather save that energy to share with someone else.

2.Have you ever thought of giving up porn for life?  Giving it up for life seems daunting, since it is such a large part of my current life.  On the one hand, I would say that watching some porn with a partner might be fun, but I think it's important to go porn free for a while.  During my test period I plan to not look it at all.  I also hope not to break down and M, but I'm more willing to tolerate that, than taking in some porn.
 

Vincent

Active Member
Welcome, Klugschei?er - nice name btw ;)

It seems you already understood what you have to do and what you can expect of it. Get documented as much as you can and then use the extra time for other stuff. Perhaps more sleep could also be of help.

Don't be embrassed about your confesstion. It is this embrassment that causes us our problems with porn. It being something "naughty" which we pursue in private only and therefore making it kind of the opposite of a social experience, is exactly what is the turn on. Doin something bad that nobody can see or judge you for....

When you write it down, you are confronted with it - and with others' reactions to it. So this ist the first and also best step you can make.

Porn sure is a time killer but it also is much more, as you already noticed. Believe me the PIED can ruin a part of your life - in my case it did and I am at your age.

If breaking lose from porn is your aim I can only emphasize the importance of alternative preoccupation. Sport does the trick very nicely as does everthing else that is not bound to you home computer. In case of strong temptations and many hours in front of you PC - which would be your case as a Student - I suggest the use of blocking software. There are many possibilities out there and I'm sure you will be able to find some ;).

I think you made a good decision by starting this. There will be harsh times and benefits alike but if your main goal is to break porn's chains on you, this is the game.

Keep up the efforts. Viel Glueck ;)
 
You know when you think about your little toe, then somehow you can feel it?  Well the same thing has been happening all day to my junk.  Maybe since it's been over 12 hours  since I last jacked, my body is sending messages that it's time for a sesh.

It feels awkward, but I'm looking forward to having a wet dream, especially since it's never happened.  I imagine they get old, when you're in your late 20s.  Anyone else feel this way?

Peace
 
Klugschei?er said:
It feels awkward, but I'm looking forward to having a wet dream, especially since it's never happened.  I imagine they get old, when you're in your late 20s.  Anyone else feel this way?

I don't know what you mean with the second part of that statement. But I do look forward to wet dreams, too. Always wanted one, never had. I'm 20. Thought it's just normal not to have them. Never thought about why it might be so. Maybe I will still have none, especially if my girlfriend decides she wants to keep having sex in the near future (relationship's hanging in the balance right now, and no way I'm doing "hard mode" and refuse her). But I'd love to!
 
Ha! After rereading that, I tried to mold two thoughts into one, which didn't go well.  Here is the revised version: 

I have always associated wet dreams with young guys, so it feels a little weird to look forward to one as a 29 year old.  But if it were are result of rebooting, I would be proud of it, since I wasn't looking at porn or making the conscious decision to rub out.  I've been reading in this or another forum that some guys get them very frequently and are bothered by them, since they don't get a full nights sleep due to cleanup and they feel like they're not making adequate progress toward their goal.
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
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@ Klug
  I've been reading in this or another forum that some guys get them very frequently and are bothered by them, since they don't get a full nights sleep due to cleanup and they feel like they're not making adequate progress toward their goal.

Lot's of guys freak out about Wet Dreams but there is no need to.

You can't control them and they are natural there is no need to worry about them. I had them during my reboot and still recovered. Stressing and over thinking them will do more harm than good.

If you haven't already checked it out here is a vid I posted last week covering Wet Dreams and other sleep related questions I see a lot - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=092UH6e0BWA&sns=em

 
I watched that yesterday, it was great!  I liked how you were able to talk about serious topics without being overly clinical or making light of the situation.  Nice work.
 
Day three.  So I had a wank yesterday, porn free.  I concentrated on the feeling and blocked out all fantasy--difficult, but it worked.  The orgasm as amazing, like one of those where you're in a coma.  I haven't had one of those in I don't know how long.  The thing is, is that I really wanted to quit porn and M.  Today, I was thinking, "well, I effed up on the jacking, so why not on the porn, too?"  Almost did a little bit ago, but was reading one of the posts by vincent (?) for newbies.  He has links and stuff in the thread, so I clicked on one and it was a segment on a news show profiling Gabe and his success.  Realizing that it's possible seemed to help me off the ledge.  Although I still want to, I can deal with the urge to jerk off and watch porn.  Plus I've run out of time and have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, thank you schedule.

I think I have to write up a plan for what I'll do instead of rubbing one out, so I don't freak out when the urge hits.  In other news, I think my porn addiction is closely related to a suspected internet addiction...
 

Vincent

Active Member
Hi Klug,

well you might be right about the strong urges and especially the alternative schedule in case they kick in.
A plan might help there, however only if you follow it trough. I say this because I experienced firsthanded what my so called determination turned into when the urges got demon like strength....

I think mostly the problem with porn addiction is related to inefficient time use and boredom. This can on the one hand point in direction of an overall internet addiction. On the other hand, the internet for most people is more of a structure of daily use than a substance to use. Eg. I personally use, on home study days, the internet for about 15 hours a day. But I mostly use it for E-Mails, Forums, TV-Shows to kill boredom and then for other every-day stuff and of course for research. So there is no basic need for me to be online - I could also do different stuff like reading or having a walk, watching TV or clean up my stuff. Since the internet however became a structure so deeply interwoven into our everyday life it is the most simple and easiest distraction we get while still being able to get some things done.

What I mean by this: Internet addiction is a gigantic field full of different, smaller addiction fields. I underline here the Social Media addiciton which is closely related to Attention-syndrome and communications urges. We have online gamers, porn addictis, notoric TV-Series watchers and around the clock forum writers (and there I described myself in three lines....).
So everybody feeling like me on this one COULD just pull the plug - it would also cut our possibilities of internet based porn. We however simply CAN'T because our lifestyle and work don't allow it. To fight a real internet addiction all in all I deem to be a next to impossible task. The frames here between addiction and inculturation of life are just to blurry and even overlap.

Therefore I think it is better to concentrate on ONE problem at a time - Porn in all our cases.

Work out a nice schedule of sports, other media and, my favourite, cooking. If the schedule is adhered to, the programme will work out just fine. What's left is to push yourself to follow through.

Best of success with your plans!

Vincent
 
Totally makes sense.  I can't tackle every problem in my life at once, for I will surely fail.  I downloaded this app called Selfcontrol, so when I have a job to do, I can block out all time wasting websites (including porn) and focus on what I need to get done.  Once you set the timer, you can't turn it off till the time's up, even uninstalling and rebooting doesn't work.  I'm sure if you're a computer guru there is a way to get around it.  Also, I had to input a lot of a grades (I'm a TA) and I put the computer on my chest of drawers (bureau?) and did the work standing up--since I don't want to be standing for 3 hours, I got the work done in a timely manner.

I've been pretty depressed this last year and was smoking weed daily and spending a ton of time on the couch watching porn...go figure.  In the spring I disclosed with my psychiatrist (!) that I'd been smoking and totally got put in the naughty chair, which I deserved because weed helps in the short term, but compounds problems in the long term due to avoidance.  Anyway, he was talking about how although you are not physically addicted to weed, you still get addicted to the feel good effects.  In my case that was my problem--using it to escape or calm my surroundings down.  Then he said I have an addictive personality (fuck!) so it makes sense that too much internet and porn or too much of anything else could end up being addictive.

What's difficult about this entire thing is that since I have a diagnosis (aka can't stop M'ing with and without P) it's really easy to look for the symptoms.  In other words, I don't want to start using this as a crutch to validate not working on getting better.  Right now I'm not, but I bet when I get wigged out 'cuz I won't let myself M, my wily brain will try and make that possible.

Anyone else have addicting behaviors besides P?
 

Vincent

Active Member
of course. The stuff about addictive personalities is 2nd Semester Psycology. And it sadly makes tremendous sense. I made the experience many times. Although it only is regarding SOME stuff and not all stuff.

Example:
Alcohol: There sure were some times in my early uni-days where I drank alk every day. Wine, Beer, Whiskey (which I have dound kind of a hobby in) without enjoying it. It was more like a reward after work, workout, studying. When I was confronted with shit i do when wasted I decided to drop it. And I couldn't. Social restraints, drinking beer with collegues after work and the strange look you get when you order a Sprite...... well. My Problem there was that I totally lost track and count of it so I basically drank alcohol every day, not for enjoyment but because I wanted it to be like that. As a precaution I never bought a whole crate of beer, because I never could have controlled myself from emptying it after 3 Days. Now things changed a lot. I do a lot more sports, i don't want my behaviour ever to harm friends or other people again when drunk so I never drink more than 5-6 Beers when outside (I only take cash with me). With my workout buddies we switched to alcohol free beer and I really enjoy the weekends without a hangover. especially during the Worldcup I could establish the alc free rule for myself.

Cigarettes: never had any urge to smoke continuously - tried it several times but didn't really deem it interesting.

TV-Shows: those are crazy fuckers. I remember the first two seasons of GoT that i gobbled down in a 36 hour session without sleep. And this I would say is the only one of my addictions that comes next to porn - because it is so hard to controll and even consumes more time. Precaution here is only to start watching series that screen weekly...and to try not to watch more than 2 a day.

Those 3 are the ones I am aware of and fighting next to the worst one.
I really hope that with the confrontation with my addictions I can hold them at bay....

And of course I hope the same for everybody else. I can't remeber any more when I slid into this addiction mess. But it sure as hell was easy to always think " thank god I'm not a smoker or alkoholic", when I still had my fucking eyes blindfolded. To think that only "drugs" were harming was such a naivety - but well...I made the mess I clean the mess...
 
I just looked at the counter and it's only been 5 days.  They haven't been agonizing actually...but I want to M.  I did slip up on Wednesday and M'ed, but no porn.  I was randomly checking out craigslist (I've NEVER) met anyone on there and clicked on a naked pic, but covered it with my hand and then clicked off.  I am proud of myself for that.

No morning wood and not worried--only been 5 days.  When I'm stressed I want to M, but other than that it's ok.  It's only a matter of time, before the cravings strike...

Anyone experience the shrinkage effect?  I've been reading about it and can't quite understand that shrinkage would happen--it seems too weird.  I can't tolerate any more shrinkage :p
 
7 days...not too shabby. I keep thinking that I should masturbate, because I'm conditioned to do it out of boredom, but then I'm like, "I'm not really horny" and go about my business.  I don't mind it at all, because someday soon I'll be really challenged.  I'm not sure if this is a flatline or just some early success, but I'm gonna go with it.

I'm going to have to acquire some more friends that are near my age as eventually restlessness will set in.
 
Yesterday was good this morning too.  Yesterday I woke up with a towel rack between my legs, kind of funny, because I had to ice that shit and because I had to run to the caf and grab some food. It was kind of comical, because it's been a long time since I've been afflicted with MW.  I forgot that basketball shorts hide NOTHING, changed into some shorts with a belt and did a little tuck and cover.

As I said before, I haven't felt beside myself with need to POM or even M.  Is this the dreaded flatline?  I thought that started in like week 2...whatever, I got shit to do.  I'm dreading heading home this weekend (I'm at a summer master's program) because I won't have structure and when I'm bored, it's like "Oh, nothing to do?  Well, P will help pass the time!" Then 3 hours later....
 
Sounds like flatline. Honestly, it's a godsend to let you sail through the hardest days of the reboot.  I go home at weekends too and the minute I walk into my room I remember PMO and I begin to have urges, each week though the intensity and how long they last is reducing but horniness continues to prosper.  I flatlined for about a week at the start.  How are things now?
 
I've been good.  Not much interest, a little here and there, so things are managing well.  I finished three grad classes! So it's nice to have that stress behind me...no I have some time to chill before starting work in a week.
 
I totally looked at POMed today...twice.  It was good, but not good.  I made sure I didn't do it forever, like previously, but it wasn't that satisfying...well, in the moment it was.  Back on the wagon--I hope.
 
U

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Be on your guard. Everytime I had a "small" relapse, an extensive one followed quickly afterwards.
 
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