Trying to Fix Myself

findingthepath

New Member
Hi guys, new to the forum and trying to sort myself out about why I do the wrong things. I am also talking to a therapist for a deeper look into it.

I have had bad experiences and due to that suffer from low self esteem. Because of the low self esteem I stayed in bad relationships much longer than I should have, but also the low self esteem caused me in my earlier years to stick to myself. I spent a lot of time alone inside my head, with darkness and brooding. I started out by spending a lot of time watching movies, not porn but just movies and to this day have a very extensive collection which has been well used with all movies having been watched at least 4 to 5 times each , some a lot more. I also have a very extensive collection of books, and again all well used with having read them over and over.

This kept my brain occupied while I was alone, yet every day I would go to work and fake being happy. No one had a clue just how alone and lonely I was, I would just smile and pretend everything was great. At this time I got a computer and started out playing games and got into basic chat programs that back in the day were just purely text. I found I could meet people all around the world with things in common, so would play games , download music and chat on these text programs. Over the years the internet grew and things started to become faster. I then found video chat programs and started on those. At first it was very innocent, then I found out what now seems to be the norm. It peaked my curiosity so I found a couple of programs and tried them out with live video chat with different people.

This went on for a while with some people I would talk to all the time, then there were the other ones that were different. I didn't really get hardcore into porn, but would watch it the odd time because it was there. But with the video programs it was there and was usually someone on it whether just to talk, or to go on and do other things. Once cell phones came out more mainstream, the compulsion brought me to sexting, and sometimes even with friends I would slip into mode and say something inappropriate. I don't know why it happened, and possibly sometimes might not have even been aware I did it.

I gave up the video chat program live calls a number of years ago, and the innocent chat ones faded out in early 2019 as the ones I always just talked to faded out and stopped using the program. During this time I was constantly sexting 1 girl that yes we had met physically, and a few times a year we would meet. I put a stop to this and walked away by just ignoring her texting me once I met a woman and fell in love. I deeply love this woman but have lost all trust as she found things on my computer and phone. I was never really trying to hide things, but I had old stuff from the video chats, and old texts that I never deleted. Now she won't believe that she had seen everything and knows everything, and I have said I will fix myself and get to the bottom of these compulsions and where they began.

I have deleted all texts, videos , pictures, the contacts that I had. I have allowed monitoring of both laptop and phone to prove I have nothing else to hide and no more secrets. I have started talking with a therapist and have the workbook he recommended for the things we will be talking about. I know I did the wrong things and own that I have a problem or yes an addiction. I know I can beat this as I have walked away from the video chats, have walked away from the sexting even with the girl that we had occasional hookups. I am hoping the therapist can start me on the right path of what to look for so I can fix it.

I have had sexual issues for a bit and they might possibly be caused by something in my brain due to this stuff. I seem to be overly stimulated and have issues with PE that I had never had issues with before. Also I find I have issues with ED as sometimes it starts ok , then all the sudden nothing. This also seemed to happen when I went in for a camera test due to not peeing properly. I continue to have that issue also where it always feels like I have to pee, and when I do go it is very little and kind of trickles out a little, then a little more. The feeling never seems to go away 100%, yet they found no issues other then a little inflammation when they shoved the camera up there. It is very hard to deal with both of those where I never had issues with in the past. Every time it happens it is a huge hit to the pyschie, and it is like a never ending cycle that causes more anxiety and most likely more issues with both.

I really want to fix myself mentally and physically so I can have a normal healthy, happy relationship with my one true love where we grow old together.
If anyone has or has had these compulsions or issues, I would like to hear from you and maybe we can give each other support or other information that can benefit us or anyone else that ends up in the same situations.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
Welcome aboard FTP, you've come to a great forum full of people with issues very similar to yours. I know for myself, the duplicity and lies surrounding have created a lot of trust issues and pain with my partner. She has been incredible through my whole process but is also weary and hurt.

Mentally I have been working on self-esteem, mindfulness, self-compassion, accountability and would recommend the same for yourself or anyone on here. Fixing the source of those problems creates space for you to move further away from fantasy and closer to a fulfilling relationship with yourself and others.

Physically I have had issues with ED in that porn became how I viewed sexuality in general and would find myself thinking of it while having sex to try to "help". I have yet to have sex since I started my journey as I am wary of how it would be if I did suddenly start thinking about porn again, as I have actively avoided it for these past several weeks. I would recommend getting checked out further as what you're describing sounds like a legitimate concern. Having a physical issue will create a bad loop of frustration that you're mental side of things is improving and the physical isn't when it could need actual attention outside of your control.

Hope this was helpful and look forward to reading about your progress!

 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hey Buddy,
Its fantasitc that you have realized the root of the problem and you are committed to fixing it.
The great news is that there is a cure!
All of that bullshit that you have been feeling can be stopped if you stick to this reboot thing. Trust me, IT WORKS.
Porn and its damaging effects have fucked up your life in many ways, to be sure - did for me too. But you can get it all back and finally kill that stupid fuck-head addiction once and for all.
Itll be tough and you will relapse, many times even, but thats all part of the progress. In the end itll be the best thign youve ever done.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
"Un-fuck your life". That's weapons-grade self-help, Fappy. Reads like something I should have inked on myself.

Welcome in, findingthepath. I hope that you can find yourself and enjoy a happy life.
 

findingthepath

New Member
Here is a new update on what has been happening.

I found out the councillor that was assigned to me has been on holidays the last couple of weeks and won't be back until the 21 of this month. Nice of them to tell me that, after our last conversation I was told to go buy a book that we would be using and then call him. well I did buy the book and called , leaving 3 voice mails over the last couple of weeks with no calls back. So I called the main line to inquire why I was not getting called back for future appointments.

Things are not going well with the girl friend. I had left my old laptop for her to use to pay some bills, thinking that it hadn't been used in quite a while there should be nothing on it. I guess there was a folder of items from old emails from 8+ years ago sitting on there that I honestly had no idea was there as I don't use that laptop, it is from 2008 and is on its last legs and I have a new one that I use all the time. So she found some pictures that had been sent to me in emails and lost it, thinking I have not been open and honest with her. If I knew there was stuff on there I would have deleted it, but I didn't go through it. I have been open and honest with her since all the bad stuff I did came out and hurt her. We installed monitoring software on my laptop and my phone, but it doesn't always work well , plus it is driving her nuts always checking it to see what I am up to and where I am. I am not hiding anything or doing anything wrong, but she won't believe anything.
It is hard on her due to me being an idiot and hurting her, plus I am travelling for work a lot , so not there in person to be there for her and help her with the hurt. I never meant to hurt her, will not do it again and told her everything is open and honest, and that I will start treating her the way she should be treated which is special as she means a lot to me. At this point with not being there for her , she has nothing for support, no counselling for a few weeks and it is hitting her hard causing depression , lack of caring, and lethargy. I want to find a way to fix this as I put the hurt there, so I need a way to help get rid of the negative and change it to positive so she gets herself back. At this time she is fixed on leaving me, which I do not want to happen because I did stupid things and hurt her. But with the things she has seen, and me not being there for her I think this is what will happen and it will destroy me. I can't go through losing someone I really love, it will set me back to being alone all the time because I will not go looking again. I will not let it drag me down dark paths again, but will just exist as I did in the past.

As for health items, I did some research and found a lot of useful information to take with me to my doctors appointment next Saturday. It seems a lot of the symptoms I have all tie back together into a couple of medical issues. So I will present my information and history and try to go see a specialist. Some of the other things that have been going on also tie into an injury from the past and seems to be getting worse, so something else to look into when I see the doctor.

I have not done anything that I did in the past, I have no inclination to even try to delve back into those dark things. All I really wanted was a good woman to love and be loved by, but because I was always alone with low self esteem I took the wrong path and got into internet things which are not real. At the time it filled some of the base instincts but was not real and that is where the guilt and shame came into play. After I walked away from it all, I felt better with no more dark things. All things from the past are gone, but I obviously missed the folder with stuff on it because I thought it was ok. Lesson learned but most likely too late and at a huge cost.

I don't know what is going to happen, but am expecting the worst. If that happens I don't know what I will do, or if I will continue to be around much. I have previous experience of just existing, with no one the wiser, so it won't be hard to fake it and make people think everything is fine and life is going well.

If anyone has any ideas of how to help get bad things out of someones head so they are not fixated on it all the time causing stress and other related issues caused by hurt, please let me know. I really do want to try and make things better for her and show her how much I love her and she means to me. To try and build up trust between us so we can have a loving relationship.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
Well FTP I am not practicing what I preach but I can certainly shine a light on the things I'm doing (or not doing) that would help in your situation. Both of our SO's are of course feeling similar feelings about what we've done and how that affects them. It would be bizarre if they didn't have these reactions. Feeling hurt means they are vulnerable and that they care. The problem is the actions we have taken with lying and porn shows a total disregard for their feelings which gives them good grounds to just walk away. The fact they haven't is a good sign but it doesn't mean we can just rest on our laurels and hope that's it. For me, there is not enough sharing. Going from a life clouded by PMO and lies and duplicity and let's face it: being a man, has made communication more difficult than it should be. My SO has stated many times that when I don't tell her what's going on in my head she makes up things and they are almost always worse that what is really happening. So in summary my advice is to share where you are at, constantly and to the point where you feel like it's redundant and pointless because to her it shows you're thinking about her, you're aware of how your actions have affected her and most importantly you're showing real growth.
 
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