Re-Start No. INFINITY

Life has been very hard for me for me since my girlfriend left the country to study abroad. I have had tried hard to join her, but nothing so far. My father attempted suicide two times in the past three months. My life abounds with Stress and Anxiety. Some days I feel like I will be shattered soon and keeping up trying is impossible. As I lost control of my life, porn-habits started to shine again. Making me even more miserable and helpless.

But along the pains I suffer, porn addiction is much more annoying. All of the other pains are imposed on me by life, while Porn-Addiction is the pain I caused for myself. I have been to the process of No PMO many times. Something inside me says " You're gonna fail. Your girl is gone. You will never see her again. All your endeavors are in vain.". However, I have no other ways but to go forward and face myself.

Wish me luck my kind friends.

There we go,

Day 1. I watched porn two times in a raw with M.

Hey MoJi,

You write that you're going trough a tough time and you feel like you have lost control over your life. You even say that you're feeling helpless.
At the same time you write that your porn-addiction is something that you do to yourself, implying that you are not completely helpless and have some control over your habit.

Taking responsibility for your own mess has two sides. On the good side you're being honest with yourself. However, I know from personal experience that this honesty can lead to beating yourself up. We all know that beating yourself up can lead to beating yourself off.

Obviously you really miss your girlfriend and this causes you to suffer. The issues your father is facing also don't make things better for you. It is natural that you feel pain, but like you said: they are imposed on your life, you don't have full control over it. You should figure out what is and isn't within your control and let go of the things that aren't.

One thing that helps me when I feel miserable is to  just let the feeling be and not push it away. Meditation really helps with this. When you have practiced for a while it will start to feel like you just carry your miserable feeling with you, instead of 'being' the feeling. You still experience the feeling, but it no longer consumes you.

Aversion to suffering only causes it to grow.

I don't know how well you know your philosophy, but I recommend reading the Enchiridion by the stoic philosopher Epictetus. You can probably find an audio version on youtube.

Things will get better eventually, but stating the obvious won't get you anywhere.
I wish you much luck and courage.

Dear Nothingbeatscoffee,

The fact that you care about my story is very soothing. You made a good point: the fact that I am here writing my story shows that I have control over sth. I have started meditation. For a while, it takes me out of my world.

Thank you for your kind support. Wish you bests.

Day two,

Just happy to pass another day without PMO.
Ready for the third day.

Day 4,
Last day I had a good time with my friends and enjoyed socializing.
Today, I am a little bit anxious and under stress, for I have many things to do.

Going for day 5!

Day 6

Overall, my libido has reduced and I feel less energetic. Hopelessness is trying to catch me. I jerked off to the imagination of my girlfriend. However, it makes me remember I might not see her again.

I am also gaining my confidence again.

Going for the first week.

Day 8, Checkpoint: one week

Hallelujah!

Last week I jerked off regularly, but not to settle down my stress. This afternoon I felt that my penis is exploding!! it was soooo sensitive, I felt that if I touch it suddenly, it would lead to an orgasm!!
I had a very good time today. Many good things happened and I received a precious gift.
I am starting to feel that I can make changes. This makes me try strongly and hopefully in my life.

Day 9 is waiting for meeee,
Helllllll yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Day No. 10

Sometimes when I come home at night I think that I am just repeating a damn cycle. Talking about the same thing with my girlfriend, searching the same things on the internet.... I don't believe that it is going to change. I am sooooo down now. I miss my girl and I am thinking of a painful breakup.
This is a gloomy day for me..............

Waiting to see day 11

Day no. 12

Two past days I have experienced severe mood swings. I don't know the exact cause of it, however, I guess that It can be Flat-Line.
Just gonna watch "Godfather II" and then sleep early.

Wish me to luck, my friends.

I am impatient to reach the day 13

I'm with you, man. If one more person succeeds in beating this addiction, it's a battle won in this war against porn. Right now I'm too far behind but I will fight hard to join the victory.

changemylife said:

I'm with you, man. If one more person succeeds in beating this addiction, it's a battle won in this war against porn. Right now I'm too far behind but I will fight hard to join the victory.

Click to expand...

Great!!! Having some friend like you who fight for their freedom makes me stronger. Meet you at VICTORY....

Wish you luck

I'm joining you in this battle.

Day no. 13

I am bleeding....But am still alive....

Had a really hard day, it felt like my mind has lost its ability to produce DOPAMINE...Even a single drop!!
In the middle of the day, I was thinking I am transforming to a piece of wood...No feelings, No senses, No drives, No thoughts...
I made my self jerk off!!! Thought it would help!
Then I went out with my friend. We ran in a park for 30 minutes. It made me feel better slightly......
I don't know why I am angry and annoyed.....
Anyway, I am happy that this day is going to end and I am still alive...


Week two, if I be alive, I will beat the hell out of you....

MoJi said:

Day no. 13

I am bleeding....But am still alive....

Had a really hard day, it felt like my mind has lost its ability to produce DOPAMINE...Even a single drop!!
In the middle of the day, I was thinking I am transforming to a piece of wood...No feelings, No senses, No drives, No thoughts...
I made my self jerk off!!! Thought it would help!
Then I went out with my friend. We ran in a park for 30 minutes. It made me feel better slightly......
I don't know why I am angry and annoyed.....
Anyway, I am happy that this day is going to end and I am still alive...


Week two, if I be alive, I will beat the hell out of you....

Click to expand...

I'm all too familiar with what you are going through. The reason why so many people fail is because they hit the flatlines and can't deal with it. But you're going to be different. Good luck my man, you're fucking killing it. All you can do is give your brain time to heal itself. The sooner the better.

MoJi said:

Day no. 13

I am bleeding....But am still alive....

Had a really hard day, it felt like my mind has lost its ability to produce DOPAMINE...Even a single drop!!
In the middle of the day, I was thinking I am transforming to a piece of wood...No feelings, No senses, No drives, No thoughts...
I made my self jerk off!!! Thought it would help!

Click to expand...

I haven't had much success nowadays with staying away from PMO but I've had a few good streaks in the past and it's funny how this flatline made me think. Before experiencing it, had someone told me "You will enter a flatline period in which you won't even have urges", I would've probably said, "This is exactly what I want! I don't want any urges!" And then when the flatline came, after about 19 days or so, I tried to watch porn and jerk off only to feel something cause it was so strange how I couldn't turn myself on at all and I seemed not to have any emotions. It's unbelievable how this works.

changemylife said:

MoJi said:

Day no. 13

I am bleeding....But am still alive....

Had a really hard day, it felt like my mind has lost its ability to produce DOPAMINE...Even a single drop!!
In the middle of the day, I was thinking I am transforming to a piece of wood...No feelings, No senses, No drives, No thoughts...
I made my self jerk off!!! Thought it would help!

Click to expand...

I haven't had much success nowadays with staying away from PMO but I've had a few good streaks in the past and it's funny how this flatline made me think. Before experiencing it, had someone told me "You will enter a flatline period in which you won't even have urges", I would've probably said, "This is exactly what I want! I don't want any urges!" And then when the flatline came, after about 19 days or so, I tried to watch porn and jerk off only to feel something cause it was so strange how I couldn't turn myself on at all and I seemed not to have any emotions. It's unbelievable how this works.

Click to expand...

sounds like we have experienced the same things! Once I met a phycologist and told him about my problems. I told him when I depressed nothing seems to change my mood, I am not eager to do anything. He told me " You do not have to trust your mind very much, sometimes you have to act like a mechanical machine. For example, you think by yourself that if you go running it won't help. But you have to act against your mind because it is under control of hormones" He was right. The last Thursday I was completely f**** up. I felt that nothing gonna change me ever. However, I called my friend and asked him to go running. After that, I felt that I have given a second chance to live, my mind was happier.
So try it, act like a mindless machine, just put your clothes and go out. Say yourself, it this is not going to help me, f***k it I have to try anyway.

zander13 said:

MoJi said:

Day no. 13

I am bleeding....But am still alive....

Had a really hard day, it felt like my mind has lost its ability to produce DOPAMINE...Even a single drop!!
In the middle of the day, I was thinking I am transforming to a piece of wood...No feelings, No senses, No drives, No thoughts...
I made my self jerk off!!! Thought it would help!
Then I went out with my friend. We ran in a park for 30 minutes. It made me feel better slightly......
I don't know why I am angry and annoyed.....
Anyway, I am happy that this day is going to end and I am still alive...


Week two, if I be alive, I will beat the hell out of you....

Click to expand...

I'm all too familiar with what you are going through. The reason why so many people fail is because they hit the flatlines and can't deal with it. But you're going to be different. Good luck my man, you're fucking killing it. All you can do is give your brain time to heal itself. The sooner the better.

Click to expand...

Every time I read friendly comments on my journey I feel that life has still things to show me, so THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Thank you for your kind support.

Day no. 17

Far better than last week. Sometimes I get very very very H****y and I do not know what to do. I just jerk off on regular basis. Anyway, this is day 17 and I am alright. I am going to do some running for today. It makes me feel incredible.
YooooooHOOOOOOOOO, DAY 18, BeHOLD, I'm COMING FOR YOU

Abstaining from masturbation builds some energy inside you and you should use this to accomplish things instead of losing it by jerking off. Go to the gym, play some basketball, do some running or use this energy as a fuel for a mental activity, I don't know play some chess whatever, you get the idea. Use the energy for something that actually makes you grow, like learning something, studying something, getting better at a physical activity. Masturbation and porn add nothing to your life, just 10 seconds of high and a day of melancholy and low energy. I don't know, this is just my opinion, that's what I would do. It's just a point of view, anybody does whatever they want.

changemylife said:

Abstaining from masturbation builds some energy inside you and you should use this to accomplish things instead of losing it by jerking off. Go to the gym, play some basketball, do some running or use this energy as a fuel for a mental activity, I don't know play some chess whatever, you get the idea. Use the energy for something that actually makes you grow, like learning something, studying something, getting better at a physical activity. Masturbation and porn add nothing to your life, just 10 seconds of high and a day of melancholy and low energy. I don't know, this is just my opinion, that's what I would do. It's just a point of view, anybody does whatever they want.

Click to expand...

Actually, I fully understand what you mean. I remember the times I was away from frequent jerk offs. Now, every time I quit jerking off I don't know what to do when I see a girl!!! Believe me, every time I see one of them it feels like sth is tearing me apart; I get fully distresses and helpless!!!! Currently, I am in a situation that I should spend my time home in with my laptop, therefore I cannot go to gym...
Thank you for your comment, I will keep away from Jerk Off and see what happens