One Day at a Time

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 4

Greetings,

Longtime lurker here, ready to get serious about rebooting. I just set up my account today and I am 4 days porn free.

My background is like so many stories I've read on here. Got into softcore/ late night stuff as a young kid in the midst of ADHD and emotional issues. Nudity seemed to fix everything. Then it was a dial-up connection, then high-speed porn whenever my family wasn't around, then just spending time in my room alone with my laptop.

I grew up to have an active sex life and substance abuse issues. My dependence on drugs, sex, and alcohol lead me to AA and I'm now 4 years clean and sober. Through my 12-Step work I was able to change my relationship with sex and women, but my dependence on porn continued.

I never experienced PEID, but I have noticed a dramatic decline in my sex drive when I'm using a lot of porn and my overall energy and motivation takes a hit too.

I'm ready to be done with porn because I don't like the person who I am when I'm using it and I don't like how much of my time and energy it consumes. Most of all, I want to be free of the obsession that, to me, isn't any different from the other addictions I've struggled with in my life.

Thanks for reading. I'm grateful for the support of this forum.


Day 4

I'm over the "three-day hump." I can tell you first hand that that's a real phenomenon. My strongest cravings so far were yesterday (day 3) and today feels easy compared to the past 3.

>Feeling very moody and restless. I know this will pass, trying to take it easy.

>Have been dealing with some porn fantasy. Had a porn dream last night.

>Getting to sleep hasn't been easy.

>Meditating and exercising more than usual to keep my head straight.

>This first week (maybe 2) I intend to go PMO free as kind of a reset. I can already M without porn, but I don't want to default to porn fantasy. I'm going to hold off until just the sensation is enough.







 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 5

Today was all over the place, but mostly flat and zombie-like. Worked on just accepting that.

In the morning, I went to my weekly meditation group and had a hard time concentrating. Just mentally squirming.

This afternoon I went on a date. It went well, I felt connected to her but a little bit disconnected from my body. Just not as sexually present as I'd like to be. The conversation had a friendly tone to it. We should be going on a second date, so I'll see how that goes.

Last night I Md just to the feeling and a little bit of non-porn fantasy. I know I said I was going to try to take a week off of M, but whatever... I felt good after and didn't have the instant craving to do it again the way I do after porn.

Tonight the plan is to read and do a second evening meditation.

Grateful for another 24 hours!
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 6

Busy day today, lots of errands work stuff. That's a good thing because my cravings are high.

It's hard to explain, I don't want to use, but I have a strong feeling that my anxiety and restlessness would go away if I used. I know it's not worth it. I'm throwing myself into positive activities and getting work done.

I meditated before bed last night and again this morning (I usually only do it once per day) and that has made a HUGE difference. I still feel restless and anxious, but I can observe those feelings and not attach to them. Most importantly, meditation allows me to sit with those feelings and feelings of craving and know they will pass.

I am grateful for this forum
I am grateful for my meditation practice
I am grateful for an awesome podcast I listened to this morning about the shortness of life and the importance of making the most of it (something porn got in the way of for me) 

 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 7 ***ONE WEEK!!!***

All over the place emotionally today but mostly so excited to have made it this far. This is only the second or third time I've been able to go a week porn-free. I've been having porn fantasies, but I've also been having fantasies about real sex with real women and the memories of real sex I've had is starting to drown out the porn stuff.

Today's another busy day for me full of work stuff and human interaction, which is good because I know I won't use when I'm out with my friends.

Take it from someone who has quit alcohol, cigarettes, and even opioids, porn is the hardest thing to quit.

I posted in the porn addiction forum about some fetishes already starting to go away. Like I said, I find my fantasies are going towards the real and away from replaying scenes I've watched online.

I am grateful for my friends and their support.

I am grateful for another 24 hours.

I am grateful to feel my natural sex drive again--even though it comes and goes.

Thank you.



 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 8 (WEEK 2 BEGINS!)

Less anxiety today. I had a couple interactions with women that went really well. I was so much more present and awake than I would have been just a few days ago.

Still some mood swings, but stepping up the meditation and exercise really helps with that.

The mental fog is gradually starting to lift. Reading is easier than it has been in a long time.

That's the good news. The bad news is last night I went into rage mode over some stupid tweet that had nothing to do with me. I didn't respond or react (not on Twitter anyway) but I wasted a lot of time getting angry over nothing.

So far, the good news of my early reboot is that I'm starting to get my feelings back. The bad news is I'm starting to get my feelings back.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 9

Woke up to glorious morning wood! It's not my first boner since quitting porn, but it is my first involuntary one that I've woken up to. I take this as a good sign that my body is starting to do its thing.

Less moody with each passing day. I start my mornings reading and journaling and meditating. It's been easier to focus every day.

I am grateful for another 24 hours.

I am grateful for my friends--quitting porn is helping me be more present with them and a better listener.

I am grateful for that morning wood.

****UPDATE*****

Tonight I had the most intense craving to get on skype with a cam girl.  I was out with friends, so I couldn?t act on it then and there, but it was an overwhelming feeling that made me want to run out of the restaurant and go home and get on my laptop... I didn?t. I stepped out for a minute and breathed through the craving. When I got home, I got on here and wrote about it.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 10

Unreal craving today. Just tons of porn fantasy and images in my head of a "porn girlfriend" I had turned to a lot in my most recent using. I got very close to a slip. I keep bargaining with myself... "Oh, I can just look at images"... or "No harm in checking out a pornstar's Instagram..." I was typing the name of a pornstar into the search bar on Instagram and caught myself halfway through. I consider that progress because in the past I'd have just gone through with it, telling myself I'll do better next time. I credit meditation for giving me the ability to be mindful of what I'm doing and the power to chose to do something different.

Other than that I'm in a good mood. My energy is high, and I had very erotic dreams that were NOT porn-related.

I am grateful to have a place to share the experience of craving so I don't have to face it alone.
I am grateful for my morning routine.
I am grateful for another 24 hours.


 

MindOverModem

Active Member
Craving craving craving.

The desire to use is strong today, so is the feeling that I'm not worth the effort I'm putting into my reboot. Gonna read and meditate tonight and go to bed early and see what tomorrow brings. I feel good today, I got a lot done, but I have this demon gnawing at me. I refuse to let it win.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 11

Scatterbrained today. I wasted hours on social media and reading pointless articles. It feels kind of like the browsing inertia I would get looking for the "right" porn. Time to take a break. Gonna log off for the afternoon.

INTENSE cravings today. Just out of nowhere started thinking about a camgirl I had skyped with before. Reliving the experience in my head. I know this will pass, but the urge to use is strong.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 12

When you're in the early days of rebooting, staying busy is key.

I spent all of today in an intense class. Didn't think about porn for one second. Now that I'm home, I'm taking it easy and watching for craving to creep back in since tiredness and needing to unwind always opened the door to porn in the past. Gonna read and meditate and enjoy the rest of another 24-hours porn free.

The reboot is a f*cking roller coaster, but I'm glad I'm staying on and enjoying the ride.

I am grateful for the positive things in life--like this class--that remind me what I have to be excited about rebooting for.
I am grateful for my friends and their support (I've talked to a few friends about my reboot, and they all can relate to feeling like they watch too much porn.)
I am grateful, as always, for this forum.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 13

Today was a setback. I didn't use, but I feel like I came perilously close. I listened to a podcast on relationships that got into some pretty raunchy content. I didn't go M to it or anything, but I spent the morning on my phone looking at other stuff (instagram, facebook etc) obsessively the way I would look at porn.

It's clear that part of this problem is the habit of isolating and wasting time, not just the sexual content.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 14 ****TWO WEEKS****

Today was a good day. I didn't feel like I was dragging my heels and fighting the urge to watch porn. I wasn't lethargic and dead. Just felt present and alive and awake and happy not to be a slave to the screen.

Grateful for another 24 hours.

Grateful for two weeks.

Grateful for excellent coffee.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 15

Some porn thoughts today but overall I felt good. I felt like myself, which is to say I felt like someone I don't remember being in a long long time. More than one person commented on how something seems different today.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 16

Taking a trip today, which is cool for a couple of reasons: I'll be way less tempted by porn than if I were just sitting at home, I'll also be seeing a woman I like. The last time we hung out I was deep in the fog of porn. It'll be interesting to see how we get along with a little more clarity.

Popping boners all night and when I woke up. Dreampt about porn scenes and a pornstar who looks like my ex.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 17

Spent a little too much time reading articles that I found arousing today. It wasn't anything explicit, and I wasn't reading them in order to get aroused, but I found it was triggering because the themes were a little too close to some of my favorite porn.

I've been feeling clearheaded, and I'm taking advantage of that feeling to get organized and work on my time management--making something positive out of an area that really suffered from my porn use.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Good thing you shot that trigger down! Even when not intending on getting yourself aroused, the trigger can strike
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
Reformed Fapper said:
Good thing you shot that trigger down! Even when not intending on getting yourself aroused, the trigger can strike

DAY 18 (yesterday)

100% and the same thing happened today, I wandered into some grey area content that I did have a legitimate reason for reading, but I caught myself getting aroused by it at got TF out of there.

What was interesting this time was observing my reaction. I noticed that this article, which might have been extremely arousing in the past was kind of weird. My reaction to it felt weird, like "huh, why do you think this  is hot?"

For context: it was an article on relationship advice that linked to an article about open relationships. There was some stuff in there that reminded me of some of the porn I got into after things escalated that isn't in line with what I consider my normal preferences (see my other post.)

But instead of being aroused and excited and just blindly following that feeling, I noticed how weird it was that my brain has been conditioned to like cheating and humiliation themes...

I've heard something similar from people who've quit porn and have a slip, that they go back and watch it and notice that the performs seem deeply unhappy and unfulfilled--something you'd never be thinking about when you're deep in porn addiction.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 19

Slept in today. Taking an admin day to get organized and plan for the week ahead. As I mentioned, yesterday I found myself in slippery territory, but I held on and didn't cave.

I take this as a good sign. I've been here before and it's exactly like the other addictions I'm now sober from. After the first few terrible days, some of my strongest cravings came when I started to feel better. "I feel good now, maybe I can have a drink without it leading to disaster."... "I don't feel completely worn-out and exhausted from porn and my sex drive is coming back, maybe I can watch some porn to relax..."

I know that voice is full of shit. I watch out for it, I notice when the bullshit comes up. I listen to it, but I don't take it seriously. I watch the thought pass, and I get on with my day.
 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 20

Rebooting is the hardest thing I've ever done. Again, it's harder than getting sober, harder than getting off hard drugs. The danger lies in the seeming harmlessness of naked bodies on a screen and the way that stimulus hijacks the normal reward system. Naked women, good, literally the reason we're on this earth... Naked women on a screen, insidiously habit-forming and soul-stealing.

One thing I see a lot on here, and in the discussion of porn, in general, is the "I know it when I see it" definition of porn. I agree. This is a useful way to check myself when I'm slipping into some grey-area content. Another way I like to think about it is asking myself, "Would I feel comfortable talking about what I'm looking at with my family and friends?"

Yeah, pictures on Instagram aren't porn, but would I be okay sitting down with my friends and telling them I wasted an hour scrolling through hotties?

Yeah, an article about a professional femdom is interesting from a cultural perspective, but would I feel good telling everyone that I sought that article out to get a rush from the content?

Do I want people to see my podcast listening history of pornstar interviews? Would I listen without headphones?

I'm not judging any of this stuff. All I know is that, for me, it can lead right back to using porn. I know that my obsession surrounding porn can latch on to something that seems harmless and turn it into spank-bank material. I also know that my addiction didn't start in the place where I ended up. I started with lingerie catalogs and swimsuit pics, not gangbangs and dom/sub stuff. I have to remember that it all leads to the same place for me. The problem is with artificial stimulation, not with one category or another.

I've spent the first three weeks of my reboot avoiding hardcore porn. Moving on, I need to take a hard look at what specific images, themes, and behaviors fall into that grey area that can easily lead me right back to porn.

In Sex Addicts Anonymous, they have this really useful way of looking at it: the Three Circles. Because sex--like food--isn't something most people can or would want to give up, they emphasize taking a structured approach to defining what healthy sexual behavior looks like for you.

Your inner circle is stuff you do not want to do at all. These things define your sexual sobriety and time away from them counts as sober time.

Your middle circle is stuff that you're generally trying to avoid because it can easily lead you back to your inner circle behaviors. This includes all kinds of triggers but also emotional stuff that can put you in harm's way.

Your outter circle is healthy behavior that you should be actively seeking out. These are behaviors and habits that build self-esteem and reinforce social bonds and actually make it less likely that you'll relapse.

For me it looks like this:

INNER CIRCLE:
Porn, porn fantasy, camsites, etc.

MIDDLE CIRCLE 
Sexy pics on Instagram and social media, DMing strangers who I'll probably never meet in real life, sexting someone I'm not seeing in real life on a regular basis (my ex), Incognito mode, deleting browser history, having multiple email accounts and browsing stuff that I wouldn't want people to know I read, sex articles, pornstar interviews, porn documentaries, sex podcasts.

OUTER CIRCLE

Sex in real life, relationships, dating, flirting, expressing my sexuality openly and without shame, foreplay, intimate conversations, friendship, masturbation to physical sensations and real life fantasy.



 

MindOverModem

Active Member
DAY 21 (3 WEEKS!!!)

In AA they talk about sanity being restored. As an alcoholic, you can never drink the way other people do (in other words you can't even have one), but you do get to a point where you're relieved of the obsession. You're not thinking about drinking and you're not thinking about not drinking. That's how I feel today.

The idea of just checking out from life and escaping into porn just doesn't sound good to me today. For that, I am grateful.
 
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