Hurting007
New Member
Hello everyone,
I have been with my SO for 6 years. About 5 years ago we had a deep conversation about porn as I had found some on his phone. I explained my stance on porn (it?s emotional cheating) and he said he understood and wouldn?t do it again. Fast forward to a week ago, I went through his phone and found an email from a porn site. Waves of shock, nausea, and heartache rushed through me. I confronted him then and there. At first he tried to deny it saying it was old, which I then came to find out he began using it a few months ago, but was using other sources prior. We had a long talk. He told me he?s been looking at porn on and off for our entire relationship. In the beginning of our relationship (and occasionally throughout) he would struggle to stay hard. I felt like it was because he didn?t find me sexy or beautiful, but he claimed it was because he was in his head. Now I know it was because he is a PA. He called the specific porn he recently found, ?a goldmine.? This made me feel even more inadequate because this type of porn was everything he had been looking for. How am I supposed to compete with that?
He seems to want to get better and says he is being 100% transparent, but I can?t help but think he?s lying. I have gone into a depressed state. I find myself masking most of my feelings when at work or with friends. I have lost any and all desire to be intimate with my SO. I am lost and hurting and I don?t know if we... specifically I will be able to recover from this. I want to help him and I want to help us, but I don?t even know where to begin. Will i ever crave intimacy again? Will I be strong enough to leave him if he does it again? Am I going to feel like this forever?
I have been with my SO for 6 years. About 5 years ago we had a deep conversation about porn as I had found some on his phone. I explained my stance on porn (it?s emotional cheating) and he said he understood and wouldn?t do it again. Fast forward to a week ago, I went through his phone and found an email from a porn site. Waves of shock, nausea, and heartache rushed through me. I confronted him then and there. At first he tried to deny it saying it was old, which I then came to find out he began using it a few months ago, but was using other sources prior. We had a long talk. He told me he?s been looking at porn on and off for our entire relationship. In the beginning of our relationship (and occasionally throughout) he would struggle to stay hard. I felt like it was because he didn?t find me sexy or beautiful, but he claimed it was because he was in his head. Now I know it was because he is a PA. He called the specific porn he recently found, ?a goldmine.? This made me feel even more inadequate because this type of porn was everything he had been looking for. How am I supposed to compete with that?
He seems to want to get better and says he is being 100% transparent, but I can?t help but think he?s lying. I have gone into a depressed state. I find myself masking most of my feelings when at work or with friends. I have lost any and all desire to be intimate with my SO. I am lost and hurting and I don?t know if we... specifically I will be able to recover from this. I want to help him and I want to help us, but I don?t even know where to begin. Will i ever crave intimacy again? Will I be strong enough to leave him if he does it again? Am I going to feel like this forever?