From rock bottom to the summit

Hello

I figured it was time to write a journal. I feel this will be a crucial part of my recovery, I'm hoping that others on this site can hold me accountable (as well as my real-life accountability partners).

My life, as I knew it, has completely crumbled in the last year. My marriage has broken down, with the fallout from that still continuing. A multitude of people have been hurt, and I'd well and truly hit the self-destruct button. All because of a sex compulsion.

This began with porn and chat, but led to all sorts of offline activities with others - without being too triggering, meeting others offline was the main aspect, both men and women. I can see how the addiction really escalates. It led me to question my sexuality; even though deep down I know I am straight, my brain just craved a 'fix'. It warped my mind and only in recent weeks have I begun to see it for what it is - an illusion, and my mind's response to stuff that I learnt about myself in early childhood, more of which I'm sure to share in upcoming weeks as my journal continues.

I currently attend a 12-step group, but I do feel as if I need to connect with others more closely. Therefore, at the suggestion of my sponsor and group, I am starting this journal, where I can document my progress and hopefully others can take some inspiration from it.

So here's where I am at day 1:

- I am very much still in early recovery. My behaviours have improved over recent weeks but I still struggle, perhaps managing a week or two then slipping.
- My problem stems from isolation, shame, and stressful events in life. I would like to learn to manage my emotions better.
- I currently am engaged in counselling, which has helped me to see that from an early age I learnt to feel that if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough. This has become a major driver of my addiction.
- I'd say I've been hooked on porn for around 15 years, with my behaviours getting worse over that time.
- As well as this addiction, I don't tend to eat particularly healthily, with only the occasional healthier meal. I also eat too much bad snacks such as chocolate.
- My sleep is bad too - most nights I'm not asleep til midnight and I tend to wake up early. That's another area I would like to look at.
- I don't have many friends and those I do have I see infrequently, as they live some way away. I do, however, have friends in the group I attend, although to be honest they aren't 'natural' friends due to the circumstances in which we met. Talk of addiction is never far away (this is not a criticism at all, I am very grateful for them, but it's nice to meet other people and talk about other stuff).
- I have met up with some friendship groups online, but I do question my motivations when I do so - I think my addiction wants me to meet someone else which I frankly don't want to really do.
- Communication is non-existent with my ex-wife, and I haven't seen my children for a few months. My wife does not want me to see them; she wants me to disappear from her (and the children's) lives.
- Money is extremely tight and is a worry at the moment.
- I'd like to formulate a hobby that I am really interested in. I'd like to learn a language or something but motivation is a problem - I might do it for a few days, then it gets left by the wayside.
- My career is fine, it's the one thing that I have going for me right now. I would like to keep it that way and not have my problems affect it.
- Relationships with my mum and dad are OK, but they could be better and I could talk to them more often. I don't talk to the rest of my family that much. They live roughly an hour or so, maybe a little more, from me.

None of this is meant as a 'woe is me' story, it's just an honest appraisal of my life situation right now. I hope, as my recovery continues, some of these things can change for the better and I can look forward to the rest of my life with more optimism, as well as encouraging others to do the same.

My aims for this week are:

- Some sort of meditation each day - it really helps my recovery
- No technology in bed
- Keep a daily chart of my progress and learn from my mistakes
- Daily journal on here, no matter how short

Think that's quite long enough now. Thanks for reading.

Day 2 successfully accomplished.

Technology in bed is a problem, though - two nights ago a party kept me awake at night and the only thing I could do to get through it was to stick a pair of headphones in and listen to music / watch videos. Then last night, I was texting a friend until quite late. The phone will go away earlier tonight.

Consciously aware of the need not just to stop my acting out, but also move towards where I want to be - fitter, more confident, healthier and able to tackle the world's challenges.

Meditation this evening and a further journal to follow later.

I feel very empty this evening. Without using a drug of choice, I really do feel the emptiness and loneliness in my life.

The sad fact is that I am essentially building my life from scratch. I've got some really nice people who I work with, but they are exactly that - work colleagues who are all older than me, and have their own lives. On the evenings that I'm not attending a 12-step group, I feel a bit lost. I know I have friends from these groups that I can call, which is great and I am very grateful for that. The truth is, though, that talking to someone for 10, 20, 30 minutes on the phone where your common bond is sex addiction is not the same as talking to someone where you have something else, natural and not man-made, to share together.

I also am by myself where I love and I do feel very lonely.

Of course I want someone to share my life with eventually, but my ability to do that is a very long way off. Right now, I would be grateful to just stop managing to go a week or two then going backwards.

Hello

Fellow Brit here. (I get my football teams mixed up: Burnley, Villa or West Ham?!)

Well done on starting your recovery. It sounds like you've been on a long journey and plumbed depths that you look back on with regret... I had a similar journey in that my porn and chat room addiction eventually led to me embarking on a real life affair that nearly cost me my marriage and family life. I've had a few false starts but I'm now nearly four months into a reboot.

It's an addiction, no doubt. But you can overcome this. The first few days of a reboot are (in my experience) horrible but it gets easier. If you ever want to DM me, feel free.