Dutch Courage: 35yr old starting his real first challenge

Hello Everybody,

I?m a 35 year old male, working in financial services (trading) and living and enjoying my life in the Netherlands. Everything is going well except ED, probably PIED. Have been working around in various cities in the world for the last 12 years. In that period had no relationship (had no desire to be frank) no any intercourse with a female. During that time my life was centered solely around my career ? working long days (70 to 80 hours per week on average). Last year moved back to the Netherlands and started dating to get a lovely girlfriend. When I got intimate I noticed that I got very week erections and it took me ages to orgasm (most of the time I didn?t succeed). I also lose my erection standing up, etc. Went on the internet and found YBOP and this site and I think most of the symptoms apply to me very strongly.

Some background ? during my teens was quite interested in girls, lost virginity  quite early on, got into masturbation probably when I was like 16 or so. I got introduced into porn probably at the age of 20. When I was working abroad I used porn 3-4 x a week, did not edge, and did not seek extreme forms of porn. What also did not help was my masturbation technique and I think I suffer from the death grip as well.
I experimented with some periods of abstinence to see what was wrong with me ? so I already did two successful NOFAP periods of 21 days and 28 days respectively. In both I suffered periods of flatline, horniness but also some physical recovery of my penis. Including some improvements in terms of sensitivity. But the biggest effect was that I don?t crave for porn, nor do I have flashbacks or thinking about old scenes yet I notice that erections (although week) are coming when just seeing a very attractive lady or girl. Also thoughts about these girls are not sexual ? rather about kissing/cuddling/romantic.

I think it is now time start a proper challenge ? 90 day streak. Hard mode! I registered here on the forum to keep a daily journal but also to get some advice and learn from other members.

Going through the forum my plan of attack will be:
- Use Man1Man oil daily to increase sensitivity.
- Plan my days full with either work, sports, family, friends and will try to take some hobbies.
- Daily journal.

I still travel quite a bit for my work so it might be possible that I skip a day or two sometimes.

Some other information ? Sports have become a big part of my life nowadays. Working abroad long days and nights was not very good for my health. So exactly I year ago I decided to lose weight and live and eat healthy. Ever since, I?ve lost 38kg?s and haven?t felt good in years. When I was young I was an avid cycler and I have taken up that hobby again and have set the goal that next year I want to ride a number of Tour de France stages (Alpe d Huez for example) in a proper time frame. So proper training for me. 3 times a week cycle training and 3 times a week powerlifting/cross fit training. Still in the process of losing weight ? another 18.6kg to go!

I will keep you updated on this as well.

Any more advice for me? Would really appreciate it!

Day 1 ? The Challenge Starts

Got a busy day today ? The day started early at the Gym (7h) for 30 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of power lifting. Such a workout I can really recommend. It clears your mind and afterwards gives you a very fulfilling feeling. After that went to work and had a very busy and stressful day with lots of meetings  back-to-back. I occasionally have these days and they are not the best but I managed to survive.

After work went out to buy some groceries. To keep me busy did some tidying up of the house and some maintenance work on my racing bike. I really feel the urge to keep myself busy because otherwise would just sit on the couch and watching TV (typically the moments that PMO arrive in the back of my mind). I end the day with writing the first posts on reboot nation. Will now take a shower and go to bed. Hope I can sleep well (sometimes I have some trouble doing this).

Goodnight everybody!

Dutch Courage

Keep up the good work buddy.  This is really inspiring to read.  I am in the early stages of this reboot and I am trying to keep myself as busy as you are.  I totally agree that absent vacant time is when trouble occurs.  The nice side effect is I bet your bike will be in great condition!  Almost as neat as my house will be!

Keep up the good work!

Hi Andy ? thanks for your message. I noticed in my previous experimental challenges that it is best to plan your agenda as full as possible. Even to the point that your agenda is so full that it is difficult to manage but the advantage is that the probability of you coming into a situation of PMO becomes very limited. Given your message I assume you are doing some remodeling/construction work on your house which should be a good time-consuming exercise to help you out with your reboot. And a nice house it will be!

Day 2 ? ?All ok?

Did not sleep that well last night. I typically wake up a couple of times a night and sort of remain in a state of being ?sleep drunk? with lately rather sexual thoughts (no porn ? just thoughts about interesting girls I would like cuddle/kiss). Getting up is than also quite a challenge. Not sure whether my bad sleeping habit is linked to PMO but I notice that in my previous experimental reboots sleeping at some stage improved.

I got up at 6 this morning and worked from 730-1730. Again half of my day was planned with meetings. The other half of the day I was quite productive and was able to do a lot of work. However, at some moment in the afternoon my thoughts wandered off again to the same thoughts I have during the night. At this moment I could not concentrate on my work anymore thinking about going onto the internet and looking for pictures/videos. Not sure what to do I did an experiment where I invited some of my colleagues for a game of Table Football to take my mind of things (at my office we are quite good at this game). We played for 20 mins and it actually helped getting the sexual thoughts out of the way. Rest of the afternoon I was able to concentrate again on my work. I guess that these sexual thoughts are OK to a certain extent normal but probably my brain is trying to play a trick with me to get a fast dopamine fix. Thankfully I was able to resist.

After work and dinner went out for a bike ride (training stage) on my own. Planned to ride a 40km trip with a high intensity but ended up riding 55km as the weather at the moment is extremely good here in the Netherlands but also I experienced that after 40 km I still had a lot of additional energy which I wanted to burn. My bike is still quite new and during this ride the seating on the saddle was not great so just ordered a new saddle which I can use for my next bike ride.

After a long day and a longer bike ride than planned I?m pretty tired and will go to bed early and see whether I can sleep better this night.

Goodnight Everybody!

Day 3 ? Pretty Good Feeling

Hello Everybody, hope all is well?

Last night I slept ok-ish ? woke up a couple of times but also slept in quite fast again. Not sure whether the physical exercise helped but I did not had so much issues getting up this morning.

Again a busy day at the office ? what did not help today was that my computer crashed and I could not do a lot of work. Quite frustrating I must say. Also a lot of waiting as our IT service desk was investigating my case which was quite tricky as some sexual thoughts came up because I had notting to do at that moment. I struggled with this a lot and had difficulty resetting my mind to other things. After an hour I made this happen but still ? my mind keeps playing tricks with me. It is good that I did not fall for it but on the other hand these thoughts enter my mind quite easily.

My afternoon was pretty much filled with meetings and the afternoon went by as if it were seconds. At the office I had my healthy dinner and then went to the gym. Big workout today ? 1 hour power/cross fit and 30 minutes cardio. I am doing this under the supervision of a trainer and according to him I am making quite a bit of progress so he increased the number of exercises, weights and also introduced interval training in the cardo part. It was a big and intense workout and I am still amazed that I was able to complete it. Mind you ? a month ago I was not able to do a single push up ? so bad my condition/stamina was. It is very nice to see progress which is also a boost for my confidence.

I notice that my sports/training is helping me a lot in terms of focus ? less time to think about PMO or old bad habits. After a training/workout the feeling is so full-filling, quite incredible.

After my workout I went home and did some household chores to keep busy. I also notice it helps that I?m writing this daily journal ? is also something that I am looking forward too and I feel that what I write down here is also helping me in terms of closure or processing of particular feelings/situations so that I can move on. At the end this was a pretty good day!

Again today will go to bed early!

Good night everybody,

Dutch Courage

Day 4 ? Feel Pretty Good

Hello Everybody,

Again last night the best in terms of sleep but was able to get up early without any issue. Had a relaxed day at the office and was able to do quite some work. Later afternoon I realized that the day went by without having one single urge or sexual thought. Does this mean I am in a flatline now?

After work went home, cooked a healthy dinner and prepared for my bike ride. On my bike ride I was accompanied by two friends ? we decided to explore some new roads but got lost at some moment. Instead of riding 50 km as planned we ended up riding 75 km. Feels great but I?m totally tired. After the ride we had a  number no drinks (no alcohol) in my garden while enjoying a late summer sun. The weather is great at the moment over here in the Netherlands.

Now the weekend starts. Given the large amount of free time typically a moment PMO urges starts to kick in. I?ve planned some stuff to keep busy but it will be tricky.

Will report back tomorrow!

Good night,

Dutch Courage

Day 5 ? Feeling a little bit under the weather

Hi Everybody, Hope all is well?

Had a terrible night in terms of sleeping. Developed a sore throat and a cold last night. Kept me up all night and did not sleep. Strange thing though ? not a moment when I was awake I thought about girls/women or sexual stuff. Have no libido whatsoever. Seems flatline to me! Although generally perceived a bad thing I sort of like it that I can gen think about normal stuff. Bad thing though is that I start to wonder whether everything is still working in the way it should in my pants. Urge to test was big but did not do it in the end.

Had trouble getting up, tired as hell but managed. Went to the gym and did my workout. Gave a boost but an hour later the cold and sore throat came back again. Also muscle pain through my entire body. Afterwards went out for some groceries. As mentioned yesterday, on my bike ride I got lost so I went to my local bike shop and bought a Bicycle navigation kit. I?m a sort of geek when it comes down to these things so I used the rest of the afternoon to fit it to my bike and calibrate everything. Not only is it a navigation device it also measures x RPM, heart rate, speed, calories, etc. Had to fit 4 different sensors to my bike.

A couple of weeks ago my roommate from university send me message that also he had returned to Holland from a career abroad. So decided to meet up tonight for dinner and catch up on old times. Was really fun. Afterwards we watched the Champions League final.

I think I have a friend back ? also he is single which helps I think. Rest of my friends are married and/or have children so hooking up short notice is quite difficult.
For today it helped to have a busy schedule I think. Even though I am flatlining at this moment ? I think that without a busy schedule regular moments of PMO thoughts would have entered my mind. As such, PMO is just bad time management I guess.

Will take a shower now and go to bed hoping to get some proper sleep.

Goodnight from a very sunny and hot Holland!

Dutch Courage

Day 6 ? Sick Day

Hello Everybody,

So the cold turned into fever, severe head ache and stomach problems. So Sunday was in bed all day trying to get some sleep which didn?t really happen. Again as the previous days, Sunday was quite uneventful in terms of libido and sexual thoughts. For the rest not a whole lot to report about Sunday.

Regards,

Dutch Courage

Day 7 ? A new week

Hello Everybody, Hope all is well?

Did not sleep at all  but my head ache and stomach problems were almost gone this morning. So I decided to go the office as I also had quite some meetings planned. The day progressed quite well ? as I counted the hours I felt better by the hour. Also a relative productive day ? had a lot of work done.
Today the weather was extremely good ? 32 degree Celsius. So after work decided to go for a small bike ride but with high intensity. Rode 35 km?s at an average speed of 33 km/h which I think was decent.

Also this day in terms of libido, sexual thoughts ? very uneventful. No urge for PMO. This I never experienced. The only thought that keeps entering my mind is whether everything still works downstairs given 1) no morning wood 2) no spontaneous erections and 3) no thoughts or urges in general. So my minds keeps putting the idea forward that I need to M to check if everything still works. Any of you guys have similar experiences?

Will now take a shower and eat some after sports food and will go to bed hoping that I can sleep a little bit.

Regards & Success,

Dutch Courage 

Day 8 - Busy Day

Goodevening All!,

Actually had a decent night's sleep. Woke up around 2h but managed to sleep in again. This night really helped. Still feeling the cold and sore troat but less than the previous days.

Had an early start at the gym - before the workout my Trainer weighed me and over the week I've lost 1.3 kg! Also my fat percentage level dropped. Good start of the day. The workout was really difficult - a couple of days sickness really lowers your energy levels.

Had a busy today - currently involved in a big project and that consumed all my time today. Made the day go by really fast which is nice but on the other hand it increasses stress levels as I don't have any time to focus on my core tasks of trading and today was a very eventfull and volatile market. So I decided to to work late and catch up on the markets. Ate a healty dinner at work.

In terms of libido/sexual thoughts - during the day perhaps 2 or 3 or so and they only last a couple of seconds. Think I'm in proper flatline. For the rest nothing to report in terms of my challenge.

Just got home from work - update my journal and prepare for the next day.

Sleep well All!

Dutch Courage

Day 9 - Busy Day

Goodevening Everybody,

Again slept quite well last night. Feel better already!

Got up at 6 and went to work around 7. Again a full project day planned and the day went by in almost seconds. Again a day with hardly any sexual thoughts but with the same doubts as described yesterday. Actually, sexual thoughts only come up when I doubt whether everything still works downstairs. In case of no doubts --> no sexual thoughts. So flatine. Besides the doubts (which can be depressing) having a clear mind about other stuff is also nice I have to say.

After work went home, did some tidying up and some maintenance in the garden to keep busy.  Currenlt exploring websites to read experiences about singles vacations --> not vacations to look for partners but just to go on vacation with other like minded people. Vacation has been difficult lately as al my friend are either married or with children. I want to break with my workaholic lifestyle so vacations are a must! So if anyone has experiences on these sort of vacations please share those.

Have a goodnight,

Dutch Courage

I realised that I think you and myself are at identical stages in our reboot.  I think we are both doing so well.

I can relate to so much of what you wrote.  Please keep up the good work.  We can beat this!

Hi Andy - thanks for your reply. Indeed it seems that we are in the same process. Keep up the good work!

Day 10 - Dull!

Besides a very busy day at work nothing to report more than the previous. Quite dull I have to say. I'm either busy with work, sports, family or friends. No sexual thoughts/libido.

Will be travelling the coming two days and hope to report something interesting when I return saturday evening.

Sleep well,

Dutch Courage

Day 14 - Two weeks!

Hello Everybody,

Apolagies for not posting the last couple of days.

So friday was much fun. Travelled to a large European city for a bachelor party of one my roommates at university. And what a day it was! During the day we participated in a football tournement in a big footbal stadium. Haven't played for years but it was a lot of fun! We actually won the tournement. Afterwards we went to  a nice restaurant for dinner before going in the city. So long story short - was back at the hotel at 8 in the morning. Going out like this I did not do for years! Was so much fun but so incredibly exhausting. Had literally one hour sleep, then went for breakfast. Spend the afternoon doing some shopping. In the evening went to the airport to catch my flight. Initially the plane wa delayed - after spending some hours at the airport doing nothing my flight got cancelled.

The airline arranged for an hotel and booked me on a new flight for sunday. So tried to get some sleep but did not really happen as the hotel was crap! Wow that led me to a number of big PMO urges. Resisted but was very difficult. So sunday I flew back and was home late. Went back to bed directly and had slept very good. Actually woke up with some morning wood but went away fast.

Today spend the day at the office - was able to do a lot of work. Tomorrow another day at the office and will fly tomorrow night to another european city for work. Will return friday night and will update you guys then.

For the rest - no libido and PMO urges will only come when I have nothing to do. In general no cravings for P or M in general.

Good evening,

Dutch Courage

We are at similar stages so I know how well you are doing.  Please keep up the good work!

Your weekend sounds amazing. Playing football in a stadium like that is awesome!

Day 21 - Three weeks in

Hello Everybody,

Andy thanks for your message! Appreciated! Playing in a stadium I have never done and what an experience it was!

Apolagies for not posting but quite an hectic weekend. Was traveling for work from wednesday to friday - everyday a very busy schedule from 8 in the morning till 11 at night. Days went by as if it were seconds. Had a return flight scheduled friday night but got cancelled yet again due to issues with the plain. Was able to fly back only saturday evening!! Was the same airline as last week - horrible!

Sunday was quite busy - went to the gym in the morning and did a moderate lenght cycle ride in the afternoon. Was tired as hell but felt really good.

So three weeks in - Any changes noticeble? The Man1Man oil does seem to work a little bit as I experience a very small increase in a physical sense. For the rest I'm in a proper flatline mode. No urge in sex, no sexual thoughts whatsoever. Especially the last couple of days a lot of doubts about the lack of improvements. My mind is constant telling me to PMO to check whether everything works - this is quite frustrating I have to say!

This week a normal week so will update my journal every day.

Good evening,

Dutch Courage

Day 22 - Another Day

Goodevening All!

Did not sleep that well last night. Constantly thinking about PMO and test whether everything still works. Didn't gave in but it is hard!

Start the day with a powertraining session at the gym. My coach is slowly but consistently increasing the pace, number of exercises and weights used. Today again a big increase. Training was really hard but afterwards you feel great! Another achievement is that I lost another 1.4kg over the last two weeks!


After the workout went to work and had a very interesting day planned. Had a number of interesting client meetings planned where the clients gave a lot of positive feedback about what we are doing for them. I did not expect this so these meetings were a wonderful experience. At the end of the afternoon finished some remaining trades in my portfolio and went home. At home had a very healty meal and used the remainder of the night busy by cleaining the house just to keep busy.

Tomorrow finally a day at the office without meetings so can get a lot of work done. And also finally some time to trade the markets again.

Overall - remain in flatline mode. Which is fine bar the constant thoughts about PMO. But as read in other topics this should be part of week 3/4 so I will do all my best supress my thoughts and not to PMO.

Regards and sleep well,

Dutch Courage

Day 23 - No urges

Hello Everybody,

Hope all is well? So last night slept very well which was much needed as I was incredibly tired. Today a very nice at the office. A day low on meetings and finally some time to spend again on my passion which is trading markets. Was able to put some interesting trades in my portfolio.

After work went home - had a fast but healty meal and went out for an extended bike ride of 70 km with two friends of mine. Both are further in their training and went so incredibly fast that at some stage I could not keep track of them.....so more training needed.

Still in flatline I guess. Even today no thoughts about PMO or my doubts that I have written about before. So in that sense all ok! But would be nice to see some signs of recovery...

Will now have my after sport food and watch some TV.

Sleep well everybody,

Dutch Courage

Day 24 - Again no urges

Hello Everybody,

Slept reasonably well last night and had an early start at the office. The morning was quite meeting intensive and therefore quite stressfull. Afternoon more relaxed and was able to get some work done. It seems that there are some changes coming in terms of organisation and it seems that there is a possibility of being promoted. As my manager made numerous promises in the past about a promomotion I am not counting on anything for now.

Today decided that I want to go on a proper vacation this year. As al my friends have children or/are married I decided to book a group/singles trip to Greece in September. A rather quite active vacation - mountanbiking, swimming, hanging by the pool, hiking and enjoying some culture. Really looking forward to this!

After work went to the gym for my power workout and again it was a very difficult training but was able to do all exercises and feel great! Went home afterwards for a healty dinner and decided to keep myself busy with the house chores. Now writing my daily journal and getting ready for bed!

Again a day of flatline, nor urges, no doubts. Very strange I have to say to go through this but on the other hand my thoughts are much clearer.

Sleep well and till tomorrow!

Dutch Courage

Day 25&26 - Very quiet

Goodevening Everybody,

Hope all is well?

So yesterday was very busy. Day started early at the office, quite filled with meetings. A day litteraly rushing from one meeting to another. At the end of the afternoon was exhausted and decided to go home early. Had a healthy meal and went to a friends house to watch the world cup game between portugal and spain. Other friends were also present. Was really fun. After the match we decided to go out for a drink in the city. Also that was really fun although I was home quite late.

Had actually a decent amount of sleep and slept in a couple of hours. Got up, did some house chores and went to my parents house for lunch. Afterwards had coffee with a friend and after that went to the city for my groceries. At the end of the afternoon went for a bike ride with a friend which was a tough one given very strong headwinds as the weather over here is not the best at the moment. After the bike ride, which was quite intensive, got a shower and positioned myself on the couch for a long and relaxing night of watching movies.

I?m still in flatline, no urges on the sexual front, clean thoughts. But still, feel a sense of frustration given lack of sexual urges and again doubts whether everything works. Should be nice to see some hints of improvements.

About to put on a new movie,

Till tomorrow,

Dutch Courage