Getting Back On Track

Starting a new journal as my old one was last updated almost two years ago and I want a fresh start this time.

My girlfriend at that time has now become my wife, and we have settled into a great little life together with us and her children from her previous marriage. Admittedly, between my last post here (mid-2016) and now, I have had many periods of relapse, swearing off of porn, and relapse again. This time, I am in it for the long haul. I am just done with the physical issues and what porn has done to me mentally.

Porn has affected me my entire life in relationships, and has really reared its head in my marriage in a way it never has before. My wife has gained a little weight (I hardly notice) since we first started dating in 2015, which has made her feel self conscious, and less likely to want to get naked and feel sexy enough to have sex with me. I understand that, but I also internalize it. It reinforces this stupid idea that I want her to be more like one of these pornstars. I feel like she doesn't 'want me' like she should, which leads me to thinking I am somehow not fulfilling her sexually, or that I'm boring in bed. I know this isn't true. She has shown me that and told me that, and I believe it, but I just feel so inferior and self conscious. This only adds to my performance anxiety when we do have sex, because I want it to be good. I want it to be 'porn good,' whatever that is. So if I finish too quickly, or we only have sex in one position, I am quiet afterwards and she asks me what's wrong, and I just don't feel like it was good enough for her.

There is more, but this entry is already long enough. This porn bullshit has only added to the physical symptoms of this issue. I am just ready to stop all of it and just focus on the here and now in my relationship both in and out of bed.

Nothing really new with me since yesterday. Though I am realizing that temptations and triggers are EVERYWHERE. I feel like no TV show, movie or website is safe these days. I am just trying to consciously turn it off if I feel it happening. To just change what I'm thinking about, and tell myself "no."

No sex with the wife since Monday, and I am actually okay with that. My libido has been next to non-existent this week for some reason. I think partially because of everything swimming around my head about my inadequacies in bed with her. I hope I can shake that off so we can continue to have a good sex life. I'm afraid that if she is up for it, tonight for example, all these thoughts are going to keep anything from happening for me.

My lack of interest in sex could also be due to reboot...I'm not tracking time this time around but I do think it has been around a week since I last PMO'd. I am just so glad that I genuinely don't miss it. I have had no desire to look things up even just to look, and not do anything else. I feel like this is a true reboot and reset for me, which makes me feel like it is going to work this time.

This weekend was pretty good. I was feeling pretty down Friday night. Feeling unwanted by my wife, all in my head of course. We watched TV with the kids all night and we both fell asleep on the couch. I just tried to stay positive and be in the moment with her and the kids. Continuing to struggle with avoiding sexually-related imagery, even in kids' programs. The fact that my wife put on American Horror Story: Hotel after the kids went to bed didn't help matters...

I felt less down on Saturday, but still disconnected from my wife. We had a great day with the kids, stayed busy all day, made a big dinner as a family. All in all a good day, keeping my mind off of sex and my new sex-related depressive feelings. No sex Saturday night, but my libido was still pretty low, so I was ok with that.

Sunday was a good day. Wife did her hair and makeup, all at about 6pm, with no where to go. She was feeling pretty down on herself but was still excited to get in bed and cuddle, which turned into more. Before it turned into more, my wife told me she did not want me feeling bad about our sex and did not want me getting in my head about things. She loves sex with me and just wants me to be in the moment with her. I hadn't really talked to her about my feelings, so she is obviously just perceiving my mood and some things I have said here and there. I told her I really want to try to do that.

We ended up having some great sex and my erection was 10/10 most of the time, and 8/10 at it's worst. We both felt very good about it after it was over, and my wife was over the moon happy.

My depressive feelings were far less yesterday, almost non existent. I think the more distance I put between me and porn, the better off I am as far as not having those images to pull from and put my wife into in my head. I'm also not comparing my sex and sexual performance with those images.

Overall I am just trying to stay positive and take things a day at a time, and it has been working. I am also noticing more response below the belt just from being touched, and have had morning wood two times in the last few days. I noticed my recovery time the other night after sex was a fraction of what it used to be too, and if it hadn't been 2am, I might have tried to go again.

I have still had no urges to look at porn or Instagram or anything to tempt me. Just trying to stay busy with work and other things to occupy my time.

Not much of a change today. Feeling a bit 'blah' but in no way tempted to fall into old habits. Work is productive and things are good at home despite some minor health issues we're working through with our son.

Well on my way to the two week mark (tomorrow). Noticing more 'normal' responses from my body. Spontaneous erections, morning wood, stuff I haven't experienced in a LONG time that I just thought was age. I'm cautiously optimistic that recovery time after orgasm during sex will improve too. I have not been able to go twice in the same couple hour span in a couple years, which is something I have missed.

Today is the two week mark for me. Still feeling pretty good physically with everything. Still dealing with bursts of emotion here and there, but it is subsiding I think. The images aren't as vivid as they were when I first started reboot.

Oddly, today is the first time I have had a pang of temptation. Winding down work for the day, I decided to have a couple beers. As they took effect, my libido kicked into high gear, and I happened to see an attractive ex-girlfriend post a picture on Facebook wearing something fairly low cut. Luckily, I stopped my brain from going there, which quelled any other body responses. And here I am, to post about it instead of do who knows what else And, moving on...

Back to work for the next hour or so, then some guitar until my wife gets home.

Sounds like you are doing really well, JasonG. 2 weeks is no mean feat. I enjoyed your posts, it all sounds very familiar to me, especially the way you describe your relationship with your wife. Feeling disconnected, and realizing that a lot of your concerns are happening in your head and not in hers are things I can identify with. Intimacy, especially when there are kids around, can be hard to maintain.

I think what you said, in reply to one of my posts, was a great way of looking at it. We should at least try and refocus this sexual energy into more affection, not necessarily in a sexual way. I think there are not nearly people who enjoy happy, caring relationships,and if that is what we already have we should keep doing everything we can to make sure we keep that.

Your posts are inspiring. Keep it up.

Thanks for the reply and encouraging words. Every day is a struggle more from the mental and emotional stuff than anything else. I have these small temptations here and there but I have easily overcome them so far.

We both have fairly stressful jobs, and I am much better at compartmentalizing work stress and still relaxing and having fun at home, and being in the mood for sex. My wife is not. She takes her job stress home with her and is just not in the mood. I get that, but it is hard when I am feeling the way I am to not internalize it and make it about me.

I really try to show affection for her and pay her attention in all of the other ways. Sometimes when I'm really feeling down my instinct is to just withdraw and have a very "well if she is not going to care, then neither am I attitude." But I also don't want her to think that I have some issue with her and am not interested in being close to her, sexually or otherwise. I just need to not take things so personally when I do try to initiate things and it does not go anywhere.

Today should be a good day. We're both planning on getting off work a little early to get a jump on the weekend. Might have a few drinks, play some video games. She is starting her period any minute now, so we'll see if anything sexual happens this weekend. I have actually been pretty good with no sexual activity this week, since I'm in the first weeks of reboot and being off porn and masturbating, I think that the break from actual sex has been a better thing that I thought it would be.

Cool man, hang in there. I have much the same experience as you. It can be hard when you are not on the same page, but I believe in order to have a good relationship you have to let the person you are with be who they are. It sounds like you are on the same page there and, if we keep making sure we are doing everything on our side of the relationship, we have to trust that our partners will do the same. Sometimes we just have to be patient and keep doing the right thing. That way the sex and intimacy we do get is the best it can be, without pressure and strings attached.

I hope you and your wife have a great weekend together.

I can relate a lot to what you're posting Jason, me myself have had lots of issues with erectile dysfunction, and putting a lot of pressure on myself about the sex has to be good. All we need to is just relax and don't get carried away about it, and putting pressure on ourselves. Easier said than done of course.. I also relate to the thing that I would get sad about finishing too quickly, the thing I would do then is just spend more time on her, using my hands and making sure she had a good time also made me feel better about it all. The thing is that I had the issue that I overthink and think too much about my orgasm.. and that makes me worry about my erection, and then worry about her feeling un sexy you know.. It just adds to the fire.

There's lots of work to get done by me to get a grip on these issues. I expect that they won't go away completely, but that I can handle them better and make less of a impact on me.

Just make sure to be there for her when she's feeling stressed, just give her more love, the small things you know. Treat her to dinner, cook yourself or take her out. I'm the same way, worrying about the sex life, but a relationship is so much more than that. Keep fighting, you're doing good!

The weekend was very good, and I am definitely seeing the benefits of rebooting and being off of porn and MO completely. I had sex with my wife both Friday night and last night, and both times were 10/10 erections that lasted quite a long time. I'm getting erections easier when my wife touches me or we start fooling around. And oddly even though I am not ejaculating as often (daily), I feel like I'm lasting longer, which is a nice bonus. I think some of my self consciousness around sex when I was looking at porn and MOing a lot was that when I would have sex, I felt like I could barely last a few minutes sometimes.

It is really starting to sink in that there are no negatives to quitting porn and MO, and only positives. I am feeling closer to my wife than I have in a long time, and we have even been having some more open conversations surrounding sex which I feel will only keep things moving in the right direction.

On the other pieces of the relationship, I am trying to direct some of the energy I'm not directing toward porn and MO to being productive around the house. My wife has a very stressful job and there are some days she comes home and is just dead to the world and wants to zone out watching TV or browsing social media, and things just don't feel as close with her and me as I'd like them to be. I have realized that something I can do to help that is use my energy to clean, cook, and do other things so that she does not need to worry about them. She is much more likely to want to get physical with me if she doesn't have a million other things on her mind that need to get done. Again...just thinking clearer without porn clouding my mind all the time.

On the temptation topic, I did have a temptation earlier this morning when looking at Instagram. I am trying to minimize my social media use, but I had gone out to look at something specific and ended up seeing a 'suggested post' that was pretty provocative. But I stayed strong and just closed the app and moved on with my day. A month ago I'd be into hour 3 of edging by now...

Onward and upward, and feeling great approaching 3 weeks PMO free!

Another good day and night yesterday. Had a few drinks with my wife (rough day at work for her), chatted with the kids about politics and music, and got to bed at a fairly decent time. No temptations cropping up last night or today thus far, and feeling like it's going to be a productive work day and a day of getting some laundry and cleaning done at the house.

Good to hear you?ve had a good day without temptations. Just keep fighting and you will get there, not a doubt!
U?ll start my first day tomorrow, I?m going to aim for 30 days to begin with and just keep going from there. Minute by minute, day by day!

I am keeping in the back of my mind a rough estimate of how long it's been, but I'm trying not to focus too much on it. Day by day is right, and that's all we can do.

Another great night last night. No temptations. I'm off work Friday and will have the house to myself, so I will be looking to keep busy. I asked my wife to come up with a 'honey do' list of things I can get done while she is at work.

JasonGuitar said:

Another great night last night. No temptations. I'm off work Friday and will have the house to myself, so I will be looking to keep busy. I asked my wife to come up with a 'honey do' list of things I can get done while she is at work.

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Sounds good, be careful with the night alone, keep yourself busy, get out of the house if you have to, go swim, go to the gym, go to a movie, go for a run, go eat out etc etc

I'll be alone during the day, probably from around 9am-5:30pm, and part of the reason I'm asking for a honey-do list is I know some of the stuff we need done is running errands outside of the house. I'd gladly spend 4 of 5 hours driving around getting things done instead of killing time at home.

It is hard to believe it has been three weeks since I started rebooting/no-fap. Things with my wife have been great, though her work week has been really stressful and tiring this week so sex hasn't really been on the table, but we've had a good few nights of talking and watching movies together. But as I've said before, I am okay with that because I think the more time I have away from all things sexual, the better it is for me right now. I just don't want her to think I'm not initiating sex for some reason, so I am definitely open to it and taking any opportunity for it.

Tomorrow is a day off from work where I will be home myself for at least part of the day. Prior to three weeks ago, I'd already be making plans to chat, Skype, Kik or whatever but I'm looking forward to sleeping in and getting some things done around the house.

Up at 7:30 to see my wife off to work. Already have a load of laundry going and am making plans for the rest of the day and what I'll get done. Making this my only computer time for the day. Still not really feeling much of a temptation to look at P or to MO.

The weekend should be jam packed with no temptations or opportunities to do anything about them. I'm hoping that once my wife gets a little distance from her stressful week, maybe we'll get some alone time together this weekend.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep it up, and keep posting!

Success yesterday with no temptations. I had forgotten the kids were off school yesterday too, so it made the chance to PMO even less, but I had no temptations what so ever. My wife also came home early from work, about 2:00.

Focused my energy on laundry and cleaning. Got our entire bedroom cleaned as well as my office, and did about 4 loads of laundry..which unfortunately my wife has to put away, otherwise I will interchange our daughters' clothes and they will never give them back to one another! My clothes and our son's are the only ones I can confidently identify. Our oldest daughter has stolen clothes from my wife too...due to my mis-sorting

Full day planned today. Some errands and then an early Easter get-together with family. Looking forward to another temptation-free day today.

Glad my journals are being read, and I appreciate all the support!