Recovering1
Member
Hello all,
I have a problem with porn. I'm 28 years old and have been using pornography since I was 13. Im one of those adolescents who got caught up in the techno-porn wave right around 2006. My addiction resulted in the destruction of a 3 year relationship (with a great deal of emotional distress) and has prevented me from forming any truly deep and healthy sexual connections with women.
Before finding this forum, I was aware that I had a problem. I even got so far as to quit looking at porn, although I did replace it with dating apps and social media. Initially, anything was better than porn. I thought as long as I wasn't looking at explicit images then I could recover.
I have since realized that a full reboot is necessary.
Im currently 2 weeks into a reboot (no relapses) and the flatline has been hard to deal with. The realization of the damage done by this addiction has steeled my resolve never go back to my old ways, but the anxiety that comes from not being able to get an erection is brutal. It drives me crazy actually. I realize that patience is going to be key and that fifteen years of abuse will not be undone in a couple of weeks (no matter how much I wish it so), but that doesn't make the anxiety go away.
To be quite frank, finding this forum is a huge relief. Particularly having somebody like Gabe Deem, who I would never have guessed to have this issue, tell me that it's gonna be alright as long as I stick to the reboot takes such a weight off my back. Seeing other journals and other posts motivate me and make me feel like I'm not alone.
The journey to full recovery will take longer than I'd like, and I'm never going to be comfortable with this flatline garbage. But I know it's necessary. And to see other people sucking it up and trudging forward puts a fire in my heart to keep on pushing for recovery. So thank you to everyone who participates in this forum, and thank you to the forum's creators. I was going to try and do this all on my own but now I don't think I have to. And that makes me feel better than anything else right now.
4/14/18 12:21 am
Today was a shitty day.
I spent most of the day reading info on rebooting and trying to expand my understanding. It made me realize the depth of the damage done to myself through PMO. My desire to stay clean has not wavered, but I think Im gonna be one of those guys who has to deal with recovery from 6 months to a year. Whatever. I'll do what it takes. What sucks the most is my love life.
I have huge crush on this young woman and I know for a fact that she is at least sexually attracted to me. I had the opportunity to sleep with her but I had to turn her down because of my PIED. I did NOT want to go through the embarrassment of explaining why my tool didn't work, particularly with a woman that I have such strong emotions for.
What's worse is I think all she really wants is sex, which of course, I cannot provide at the moment. So I'm starting to realize the bitter truth that I'm probably going to have to let her go. And that hurts. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me upset that I did this to myself. I put myself in this position. Deep down I know this is a small price to pay for future healthy relationships, but it still sucks tremendously. And it hurts. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
addendum to post: I just realized that I haven't gone into much detail about my current situation. At the moment I am in a very deep flatline. My penis just feels like it's taking up space between my legs. Prior to starting this reboot. It has been 5 years at least since I was able to have healthy sex with a woman.This didn't stop me from trying, and in turn, embarrassing myself. In my case, erections are few and short lived.
4/17/18 12:52 AM
Well, the flatline is still going strong. I've accepted that I'll probably take more than 30 days without coming out of it. Hell, even if it takes 90 or more, I've been reading so much material about porn addiction and it's effects that Im starting to have a little hope. Im not nearly as depressed as I was a few days ago (maybe this is just a lull in the rollercoaster ride) and today was particularly productive. Since my last post I've tried to keep myself buried in study or working out or cleaning. Anything to draw my focus away from my situation. I look forward to every day because it puts one less day between me and full recovery and one more day between me and my addiction. However, I do worry about reconditioning myself to a real partner. I don't have anyone right now and Im definitely not gonna start looking any time soon.
I have a problem with porn. I'm 28 years old and have been using pornography since I was 13. Im one of those adolescents who got caught up in the techno-porn wave right around 2006. My addiction resulted in the destruction of a 3 year relationship (with a great deal of emotional distress) and has prevented me from forming any truly deep and healthy sexual connections with women.
Before finding this forum, I was aware that I had a problem. I even got so far as to quit looking at porn, although I did replace it with dating apps and social media. Initially, anything was better than porn. I thought as long as I wasn't looking at explicit images then I could recover.
I have since realized that a full reboot is necessary.
Im currently 2 weeks into a reboot (no relapses) and the flatline has been hard to deal with. The realization of the damage done by this addiction has steeled my resolve never go back to my old ways, but the anxiety that comes from not being able to get an erection is brutal. It drives me crazy actually. I realize that patience is going to be key and that fifteen years of abuse will not be undone in a couple of weeks (no matter how much I wish it so), but that doesn't make the anxiety go away.
To be quite frank, finding this forum is a huge relief. Particularly having somebody like Gabe Deem, who I would never have guessed to have this issue, tell me that it's gonna be alright as long as I stick to the reboot takes such a weight off my back. Seeing other journals and other posts motivate me and make me feel like I'm not alone.
The journey to full recovery will take longer than I'd like, and I'm never going to be comfortable with this flatline garbage. But I know it's necessary. And to see other people sucking it up and trudging forward puts a fire in my heart to keep on pushing for recovery. So thank you to everyone who participates in this forum, and thank you to the forum's creators. I was going to try and do this all on my own but now I don't think I have to. And that makes me feel better than anything else right now.
4/14/18 12:21 am
Today was a shitty day.
I spent most of the day reading info on rebooting and trying to expand my understanding. It made me realize the depth of the damage done to myself through PMO. My desire to stay clean has not wavered, but I think Im gonna be one of those guys who has to deal with recovery from 6 months to a year. Whatever. I'll do what it takes. What sucks the most is my love life.
I have huge crush on this young woman and I know for a fact that she is at least sexually attracted to me. I had the opportunity to sleep with her but I had to turn her down because of my PIED. I did NOT want to go through the embarrassment of explaining why my tool didn't work, particularly with a woman that I have such strong emotions for.
What's worse is I think all she really wants is sex, which of course, I cannot provide at the moment. So I'm starting to realize the bitter truth that I'm probably going to have to let her go. And that hurts. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me upset that I did this to myself. I put myself in this position. Deep down I know this is a small price to pay for future healthy relationships, but it still sucks tremendously. And it hurts. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
addendum to post: I just realized that I haven't gone into much detail about my current situation. At the moment I am in a very deep flatline. My penis just feels like it's taking up space between my legs. Prior to starting this reboot. It has been 5 years at least since I was able to have healthy sex with a woman.This didn't stop me from trying, and in turn, embarrassing myself. In my case, erections are few and short lived.
4/17/18 12:52 AM
Well, the flatline is still going strong. I've accepted that I'll probably take more than 30 days without coming out of it. Hell, even if it takes 90 or more, I've been reading so much material about porn addiction and it's effects that Im starting to have a little hope. Im not nearly as depressed as I was a few days ago (maybe this is just a lull in the rollercoaster ride) and today was particularly productive. Since my last post I've tried to keep myself buried in study or working out or cleaning. Anything to draw my focus away from my situation. I look forward to every day because it puts one less day between me and full recovery and one more day between me and my addiction. However, I do worry about reconditioning myself to a real partner. I don't have anyone right now and Im definitely not gonna start looking any time soon.