So, as our year winds down since d-day and the 'big decision' is coming up, I find myself close to making the opposite decision I thought I would have. In discussing things this weekend, I found out that while my husband has kicked the porn habit, he has not yet kicked the lying habit. He continues to hide things instead of openly discussing them so we can resolve small issues like adults. He hides small issues and they become LARGE issues because he is hiding them in hopes that they go away. The latest has to do with money; hiding that he hadn't taken care of something the way that he should. As a result, a $10,000 issue has become a $25,000 issue and the only reason I got to that information was because I had to drag it out of him through a series of asking just the right, perfectly worded questions to get honest answers. I was able to step in with a solution and although I don't like it (taking my own 'nest egg' and paying off the debt he created), the issue is resolved. But again, it could have been resolved with $10,000 if my husband had been truthful in the beginning.
So, while it isn't porn, it is the same pattern that led to porn. He is overcome by even the smallest pressures of life and that leads him to burying his head in the sand or taking a small problem and allowing it to grow into a big problem. Just like with porn, if I hadn't stepped in when I did - the now larger problem could have become too large for us to climb out of.
I just can't live like this. His months of weekly counseling apparently did nothing to deal with the foundational issues that caused his porn addiction to manifest in the first place - hiding from problems, making small problems big problems by panicking or making incredibly ridiculous mistakes that cause problems to grow, actively deceiving me instead of coming to me as a partner.
I have to be on high alert at all times, ready to ask him just the 'right' question in order to tunnel my way to truth. No one is perfect and I don't ask for or 'demand' perfection from him. We all make bad decisions sometimes and we are in this relationship together, we can solve problems together. But, he hides his bad decisions and allows them to grow to become large burdens that threaten our foundations. Had I not found out about this issue when it hit $25,000 - who knows how big it would have grown. It might have wiped out our children's college funds, it might have caused us to have to wipe out all of our retirement accounts, I honestly don't know how big it could have gotten. The problem is, that is the exact same thing that happened with porn. My husband hid is problem and it grew and went from porn addiction to sex addiction. I caught him after his first trip to a massage parlor, but he admits that if I had not confronted him he doesn't know how far he would have gone, he had even looked at "hook up" sites.
I can't live in a situation where I am constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering when the next 'big thing' is going to jump out of the closet and tackle me; some secret my husband is keeping that could have been solved with very little issue and effort if we could have an adult conversation.
I wish I could say this is new, but it isn't. My husband has a history of running from small problems and allowing them to grow. I thought this was something he had overcome, but he had just gotten better at hiding it. While infidelity was always in my mind as a 'deal breaker', I found a way to morph it around in my mind because there was debate on whether porn was infidelity and even if getting a blow job at a 'massage' parlor was 'really' cheating. I found ways to forgive to keep the marriage, because I do love my husband and he is a good dad. However, my real, complete, no compromise deal breaker is lying. I told my husband that if he lied again, our marriage was required to end. He has shown that he just cannot overcome lying as a defense. That when given the option to deal with a little bit of stress by openly discussing a problem, he would rather lie and cover up the truth - regardless of the consequences for that lie.
I guess that brings my time here on the Partners forum to an end. My husband has overcome the addiction to porn use, but all the things that surround porn addiction, that make a person susceptible to porn addiction are still there. He just cannot overcome a pattern that he has held for most of his life, running from reality and hoping that ignoring issues makes them go away. I just can't continue with this as a pattern in our relationship. I have three children to raise already, I can't keep coming in and saving the day for my husband. I can't live a life in which every minute of my day is spent trying to buffer the effects of whatever bad decision my husband is making, but not disclosing.
The sad part is, he really is a great guy. Most of his deception is because he doesn't want to disappoint me, his parents, his kids, etc. But, this is not the life for me. We have been married thirteen years and I have been hoping things would get better (and thinking things had gotten better) for a long time. But, alas, we just aren't compatible at a fundamental level. My husband worked very hard to appear to be the kind of guy I wanted. He worked very hard to appear to be open and honest in communication - but he can't. It just isn't who he is. His entire family doesn't believe in open and honest communication, they never ever talk about problems and he just has not been able to overcome what he was taught to be 'normal'. We have talked for hours and hours since d-day about the importance of honesty, about how anything can be overcome if we are willing to face it, about how I have already proven that I can forgive and stay and make things work if we deal in honesty. Even with all of that, he still chose lying or ignoring reality instead of just saying, "Hey, I made a bad financial move and here is the result."
So, I wish everyone success as they move forward in rebuilding their relationships. I may pop in from time to time and hopefully offer words of encouragement. But, this appears to be the end of my partner journey.
I am glad I chose the screen name that I did, because I realize that even after this crazy journey - the thing that I value the most is that I am still me. I didn't compromise who I am at my core. I loved fully, I lived honestly and openly, and I gave this marriage my best shot. It didn't work out, but that is okay, even with the hard things associated with this road I have traveled - I am still me. I didn't lose 'me', even at my lowest points. I am proud of the way I walked my road. I am going to be starting over, on a new journey and finding my way through divorce and co-parenting and all those other things I never wanted to be a part of my life. But, even though all of that I know I will still be me.
Much love to all of you!
So, while it isn't porn, it is the same pattern that led to porn. He is overcome by even the smallest pressures of life and that leads him to burying his head in the sand or taking a small problem and allowing it to grow into a big problem. Just like with porn, if I hadn't stepped in when I did - the now larger problem could have become too large for us to climb out of.
I just can't live like this. His months of weekly counseling apparently did nothing to deal with the foundational issues that caused his porn addiction to manifest in the first place - hiding from problems, making small problems big problems by panicking or making incredibly ridiculous mistakes that cause problems to grow, actively deceiving me instead of coming to me as a partner.
I have to be on high alert at all times, ready to ask him just the 'right' question in order to tunnel my way to truth. No one is perfect and I don't ask for or 'demand' perfection from him. We all make bad decisions sometimes and we are in this relationship together, we can solve problems together. But, he hides his bad decisions and allows them to grow to become large burdens that threaten our foundations. Had I not found out about this issue when it hit $25,000 - who knows how big it would have grown. It might have wiped out our children's college funds, it might have caused us to have to wipe out all of our retirement accounts, I honestly don't know how big it could have gotten. The problem is, that is the exact same thing that happened with porn. My husband hid is problem and it grew and went from porn addiction to sex addiction. I caught him after his first trip to a massage parlor, but he admits that if I had not confronted him he doesn't know how far he would have gone, he had even looked at "hook up" sites.
I can't live in a situation where I am constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering when the next 'big thing' is going to jump out of the closet and tackle me; some secret my husband is keeping that could have been solved with very little issue and effort if we could have an adult conversation.
I wish I could say this is new, but it isn't. My husband has a history of running from small problems and allowing them to grow. I thought this was something he had overcome, but he had just gotten better at hiding it. While infidelity was always in my mind as a 'deal breaker', I found a way to morph it around in my mind because there was debate on whether porn was infidelity and even if getting a blow job at a 'massage' parlor was 'really' cheating. I found ways to forgive to keep the marriage, because I do love my husband and he is a good dad. However, my real, complete, no compromise deal breaker is lying. I told my husband that if he lied again, our marriage was required to end. He has shown that he just cannot overcome lying as a defense. That when given the option to deal with a little bit of stress by openly discussing a problem, he would rather lie and cover up the truth - regardless of the consequences for that lie.
I guess that brings my time here on the Partners forum to an end. My husband has overcome the addiction to porn use, but all the things that surround porn addiction, that make a person susceptible to porn addiction are still there. He just cannot overcome a pattern that he has held for most of his life, running from reality and hoping that ignoring issues makes them go away. I just can't continue with this as a pattern in our relationship. I have three children to raise already, I can't keep coming in and saving the day for my husband. I can't live a life in which every minute of my day is spent trying to buffer the effects of whatever bad decision my husband is making, but not disclosing.
The sad part is, he really is a great guy. Most of his deception is because he doesn't want to disappoint me, his parents, his kids, etc. But, this is not the life for me. We have been married thirteen years and I have been hoping things would get better (and thinking things had gotten better) for a long time. But, alas, we just aren't compatible at a fundamental level. My husband worked very hard to appear to be the kind of guy I wanted. He worked very hard to appear to be open and honest in communication - but he can't. It just isn't who he is. His entire family doesn't believe in open and honest communication, they never ever talk about problems and he just has not been able to overcome what he was taught to be 'normal'. We have talked for hours and hours since d-day about the importance of honesty, about how anything can be overcome if we are willing to face it, about how I have already proven that I can forgive and stay and make things work if we deal in honesty. Even with all of that, he still chose lying or ignoring reality instead of just saying, "Hey, I made a bad financial move and here is the result."
So, I wish everyone success as they move forward in rebuilding their relationships. I may pop in from time to time and hopefully offer words of encouragement. But, this appears to be the end of my partner journey.
I am glad I chose the screen name that I did, because I realize that even after this crazy journey - the thing that I value the most is that I am still me. I didn't compromise who I am at my core. I loved fully, I lived honestly and openly, and I gave this marriage my best shot. It didn't work out, but that is okay, even with the hard things associated with this road I have traveled - I am still me. I didn't lose 'me', even at my lowest points. I am proud of the way I walked my road. I am going to be starting over, on a new journey and finding my way through divorce and co-parenting and all those other things I never wanted to be a part of my life. But, even though all of that I know I will still be me.
Much love to all of you!