Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn

I remember vividly the day I walked into an adult shop to buy my first porn magazine. It was a gay magazine, although I saw myself as a straight guy at that point. I think that that act signaled the start of the slippery slope I ventured on. The path was littered with countless stumbles and falls. Getting up again and trying to quit the bad habit. Sometimes I would go for a few weeks without porn. Sometimes months. But boredom, self image and loneliness always drove me back to porn. So many times did I trash, tear up or burn my magazines and stash only to start all over again after some time. The process would repeat itself many times. Later came internet porn which brought its own challenges. No more need for magazines and videos or DVD's.
At one stage I managed to abstain for a whole year. But in that year I lost my heart to someone and when it became clear that he didn't feel the same way about me I relapsed. Since then it has been an uphill battle of on and off porn. I became socially distant and started pushing people away from me, not wanting to allow closeness or maybe hiding my secret. That has to change. I want to get my life back and I perceive porn addiction to be an encroachment on my freedom. No more porn.

This time I want to fight this battle with an army, not on my own.

I've been strong for 6 days now. This is my journal. 

6 days is a good start. For me, making a week gave me confidence to make it a second week.

Read lots. Learn how the addiction works. Stay strong. When you don't feel strong...post here, read more. In time, it gets easier. Porn doesn't own your brain, you do.

You can do it. We are glad to help. I see a lot of myself in your post. Msg me if you want an accountability partner. Healing is possible! Be strong.

Thanks for the support guys. It surely helps.

I read a post today where someone said that he tried to get rid of porn but kept on masturbating. Somehow that always lead him back to porn. Then he decided to stop both and found that it made the difference. I resonate with that. I always find ways to rationalise masturbation, everybody does it, don't they?
This effort of mine will be a clean break. No porn, no masturbation. I think that will make a difference. Good luck to me  

horpio said:

I read a post today where someone said that he tried to get rid of porn but kept on masturbating. Somehow that always lead him back to porn. Then he decided to stop both and found that it made the difference. I resonate with that. I always find ways to rationalise masturbation, everybody does it, don't they?
This effort of mine will be a clean break. No porn, no masturbation. I think that will make a difference. Good luck to me

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Yes, Horpio, everybody rationalizes - but that doesn't mean it is good or healthy. Oh Boy, those rationales for choosing PMO over real relationships can become complicated and spidery.

Good luck on your journey!

horpio said:

I read a post today where someone said that he tried to get rid of porn but kept on masturbating. Somehow that always lead him back to porn. Then he decided to stop both and found that it made the difference. I resonate with that. I always find ways to rationalise masturbation, everybody does it, don't they?
This effort of mine will be a clean break. No porn, no masturbation. I think that will make a difference. Good luck to me

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Horpio - It may have been my post. I have had success quitting porn for long periods but have always gone back. This time, I have given up masterbation and it has made a huge difference in how I feel. For me, recovery has been possible by giving up masterbation during the reboot. I am on day 43 of no PMO, day 37 of no MO. I have no desire to ever go back to porn. And masterbation doesnt have much of an attraction to me right now. I have found real sex to be incredible - my sensitivity and enjoyment are like I was a teen again! Also, no trace of any problem with ED. I highly recommend the approach. By the way, it was William that made this suggestion to me initially and I am thankful. I recommend reading all of his posts.

I want to journal my progress thus far. I'm on 8 days no PMO. What helped? Becoming part of the reboot and NoFap community. Also reading others' posts, links to articles, TED and other videos and posting on this forum. I've also started exercising again and have a hobby which keeps me busy at least one night a week. It makes me so tired that I don't even switch my laptop on when I arrive home at night. I have also enrolled in a 1 year business related coaching seminar which requires time and effort from me if I want to make it work. Weekly assignments and webinars to attend.

I also stopped visiting instagram accounts which acts as triggers for me. This post  http://yourbrainonporn.com/1-year-no-pornno-fap-how-did-i-do-it especially helped me regarding whether masturbation is OK for me. I've decided NO, it's not.

I've read this post from Gabe Deem in http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=70.0 his FAQ's
"What Does Withdrawal From Porn Look Like?

Not everyone goes through withdrawal when quitting porn. In fact, some guys with porn-induced ED can quit porn fairly easy but still need months to recover. This suggests they have wired their brains for porn, or sexually conditioned themselves to a screen instead of a real person. So being addicted is not necessary for one to be negatively impacted by porn. However, many guys do report going through very real withdrawal. I know because I was one of them. Common withdrawal symptoms include:

Anxiety
Restlessness
Irritability
Insomnia
Fatigue
Headaches
Poor concentration
Depression
Social isolation
Loss of libido (also called a flatline)

The good news is these usually go away after rebooting. If after rebooting they are still present, then that indicates they were not porn-induced.."

Not sure if it's related, but I've experienced headaches and an uncomfortable stomach for the past week.

On the upside, I've experienced a desire to meetup with friends more often and acknowledge social invitations more readily.

Thanks for all the support so far. 

Hope you are doing well. Check in with us!

Use that desire to connect with other people. That will get you away from the computer and help you to stay engaged with the real world. You realize how much good there is away from PMO!

10 days PMO free today. Weekends will be the biggest test for me as it's almost impossible not to spend parts of the weekend alone in my bachelors pad. Living alone also makes it difficult moving my laptop to a more public space in my home. My pad only has one room. I could move the laptop to the bathroom 
I've been a good boy so far. I haven't experienced strong urges for either P or M. I've had what you guys call 'morning wood'  ;D and have also experienced erections at night. No wet dreams or any sex related dreams or nightmares  8)
I think back on triggers. Going out with friends and having a few drinks, feeling mellow when I get back home. My resistance levels are usually much weaker then and I find it easier to get into PMO. I'll have to watch out for those circumstances. The other thing is my mind. Feeling down and depressed, lonely, sorry for myself etc. Those emotional states are the breeding ground for PMO. I think I have to come to grips with my mind and teach myself to be more positive, think good thoughts, ponder upon my strengths and opportunities and find positive outlets for my emotions. Daily readings of the forums and watching clips of success stories, repeat readings of posts etc. is also a good way for me to keep my mind focused on what I want to achieve.
I've decided to attend a charity event today to see if I can become involved with a community that takes care of less privileged kids. Not only do I want to be involved with something like that but it could also aid me in my PMO challenges.

Horpio - you have already taken one very large step towards recovery: you are able to step outside of your feelings and look at them and articulate what you see.  This means that, even though you are still having your feelings (negative emotional states), you are conscious about them which gives you the choice to not let them drive you.  You may have some hard times ahead, just know that things will absolutely improve given enough time.

The other crucial step is to fully commit to a life free of porn...forever.  The problem with not fully committing (forever) is that you will always have the option to use porn in the back of your mind, waiting for "the perfect storm" to come along and give you the reasons you need.  20 years is a lot of porn use; I can relate - for me it was even longer than that.  But I have decided not to use porn ever again.  I have closed the door.  Once I actually made that commitment, I found that I wasn't struggling with porn anymore.  Quitting became easy. 

Are you ready to make this type of commitment? 

Hi sender

I have to say that you are challenging me with your question on commitment. I have no problem with being PMO free for the rest of my life. In fact, that's what I want. But I can't answer your question about commitment honestly. I just don't know if I'm committed enough. In the back of my mind I'm fearing the day when that 'perfect storm' that you're referring to rocks up. I think I don't trust myself to pull through such a situation. My past experience tells me that I've always found a way back to PMO, no matter how many 'free' days I had. That's part of my history. This time round, the difference is that I'm more focused and I've found this forum where I can speak my mind, read a lot, watch clips and somehow be kept accountable.

I would like to state here that "PMO is not an option". But imagine my embarrassment when I have to reset my counter somewhere in the future. In my mind I'm leaving that option open, so I guess I'm not fully committed yet.  :-[ 

Horpio,

You are doing well. Stay on track. That is the most important thing right now.

You mention the embarrassment of having to reset your counter. Use that. There are a few things that are different about this reboot for me than others in the past. One is using this site (I recommend reading Williams posts and others that you find inspirational). Being accountable to this site, to your accountability partner, and your counter can make the difference. Use whatever extra tools at your disposal to make it different this time. In the past, I often thought: "What's one more time... no one will know" Well now they will, and that helps me. It may seem small, but it has helped me get this far.

About your charity involvement - this is a great idea. Please pursue that to the maximum. Keeping involved in the real world and making a difference in other peoples lives will change you for the better.

About your commitment - You do want to really think on this. I made the commitment based on some "tough talk" posts that I received early on. I realized that my halfway approach was doomed to fail. I made up my mind at that time that there was no going back and I was 100% committed. That has made a difference to me and has helped me get this far. I want you to make it this far too... and beyond. The rewards are there. Do what you can to try to get fully committed.

On the other hand, I know in other addictions, I had a hard time thinking about quitting something forever. That is a daunting thought. That is why AA preaches just getting through the day. Don't let that daunting thought get you off track. If you are not feeling 100% committed, so be it, but concentrate on getting through the day. And tomorrow, think about getting through that day. If that helps, it is better than going back to day 0. This goes against some of the philosophy here, but the most important thing is too keep on track... Whatever that takes, do it.

About depression - that was what kept me addicted for a long time. Now, I don't feel that depression or need to self treat. Get some more time under your belt and you will feel more positive naturally.

Wishing  you success.

Thank you Pheonix for the encouragement. Just want to journal that I'm still on track.

horpio said:

The other thing is my mind. Feeling down and depressed, lonely, sorry for myself etc. Those emotional states are the breeding ground for PMO.

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Nothing truer spoken Horpio.
I was 63 days successfully into my reboot when a shitty situation at home came along. My mind was down, my thoughts were negative and PMO just seemed to be a way to feel good again and an escape form the stresses.

But after caving in I am feeling terrible. I don't get how my mind could be so strong for all those 63 days, then just because of family stresses I gave in?

So I'm going to take that as the lesson to be learnt and continue on with my reboot. I was so confident, but after this relapse I'm kind of doubting myself again. 

Hi rider654321

I feel for you man, 63 days was a good milestone for you. Been in a similar situation countless times myself. When I give in it erodes my personal integrity, my emotional bank account to use Steven Covey's words. It erodes the trust I have in myself. I think that's part of the healing and rebooting process - being able to look at the man in the mirror and have faith in that guy. I firmly believe that I can do it and I believe you can too.

Positive for me is that you're out here speaking about it and getting up to start over again. Good on you for that. When I've relapsed in the past it has usually been like an opening of the floodgates. Meaning that I would let all resistance go and PMO day upon day and somewhere down the line try to start a clean sheet again. I'm glad to see you back on your feet so soon and resetting.

Hang in there, you can do this. 

I'm an Eminem fan  8)
I think the guy knows a lot about facing one's demons

From his "Not Afraid"

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (To take a stand)
Everybody (Everybody)
Come take my hand come (Come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today,
I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'm a face my demons
I'm manning up, I'm a hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now (now)

horpio said:

Hi rider654321

When I give in it erodes my personal integrity, my emotional bank account to use Steven Covey's words. It erodes the trust I have in myself. I think that's part of the healing and rebooting process - being able to look at the man in the mirror and have faith in that guy. I firmly believe that I can do it and I believe you can too.

Positive for me is that you're out here speaking about it and getting up to start over again. Good on you for that. When I've relapsed in the past it has usually been like an opening of the floodgates. Meaning that I would let all resistance go and PMO day upon day and somewhere down the line try to start a clean sheet again. I'm glad to see you back on your feet so soon and resetting.

Hang in there, you can do this.

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Thanks Horpio,

So much of that first parragraph you wrote is exactly how I feel!

I have eroded the trust I had in myself, and your also right when you said "It is about being able to look in the mirror and have faith in the guy looking back at me". I feel I have lost some of that faith and it has really affected me this time. I have tried quiting so many times and failed, but this time I felt I could really do it. For the first time in my life I actually understood the addiction, and felt I had the knowledge and strength to finally beat it. So to cave the way I did made me feel powerless again, just like all the other times.   

But you know what? Your are right. I can take some comfort in the fact I never binged. It was just the once, and I felt so bad afterwards that those feelings alone were a lesson. In the past when I'd fail I'd binge on for weeks. This time it was once and I felt terrible.

Your words have given me a better perspective on my relapse and put me in a more positive frame of mind. So thank you!

Last night was one of those nights where my resistance levels were low after a couple of drinks. I'm glad to say that I didn't give in to PMO. I think the fact that I'm part of this community and also because I wrote it down in my journal as one of my triggers or weak points helped me to stick to my goal.

I'd like to share this inspirational video with the title "How great I am" http://youtu.be/V6xLYt265ZM

Hang in there Horpio, some days are tougher than others. It might be an idea to give up alcohol for a month or two?