Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 24050 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #300 on: February 06, 2018, 08:57:33 PM »
Well its been a few days since i have posted. I have actually been a bit down. Nothing in particular is really wrong, just feeling sad, lonely, and having a hard time adjusting to life these days. Lots of incomplete in all areas of my life. I feel like I am trying really hard but nothing seems to be coming together. It has been a huge hit to my confidence. I have a birthday coming up soon. I share my birthday with my daughter. I got preeclampsia when I was pregnant with her and had a rushed c-section on my birthday. I don't mind sharing my birthday, I usually love it! For some reason this year has been hard. She is turning 8. I love to honer her on her day, but over the years the sharing has basically become her day. I thought about it and I havn't received a birthday present or anything from my husband since before we had kids. He doesn't even plan a date night or a dinner out. We just don't celebrate me. I usually don't care but for some reason I have been bothered by this. Maybe because he has done so much work on his recovery. He is trying really hard and truly becoming an amazing person yet at the same time I feel like he still doesn't see me. I feel like he still seems to be consumed by himself first. Between that and the kids, I just feel lost in the mix. I don't like demanding for complaining for someone to see me. It just feels so unauthentic then. So that is where I am. Man this post really sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, lol. I guess I am.

PE30

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #301 on: February 07, 2018, 06:56:32 AM »
Hey, just thought I'd write a word back as you're always so encouraging to me!

I'm just trying to think how my wife deals with me when she has a need / expectation that I'm not meeting. She seems to manage to do it in a way that stirs me to action but without making me feel rubbish / compounding my guilt. Have you and your husband read The Five Love Languages? I thought it might be quite cheesy (and to an extent it is) but I think it acted as a good conversation opener as to what makes the both of us tick.

It's really encouraging to read your story, and it's also a sobering reminder to me to stay clean, for the sake of my own wife.
:)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #302 on: February 08, 2018, 11:53:01 AM »
PE30, thank you for your encouragement. Yes we have read the love languages books. We have even read the ones for parenting and educating as we home school. If you have kids understanding your kids love languages is so important.

 I have talked about them with my husband and mentioned recently even. I think that is part of what reinforces my feeling of lack of importance. He does fully understand and know how I receive support, love, and what my needs are. I have clearly spelled them out numerous times.  For a long time my self esteem was so low that I felt that maybe I was asking too much, but I am finally in a place where I realize that no it is not too much to ask for a happy birthday and at the very least a card on my birthday. Even if its just a piece of printer paper folded saying "hey happy birthday, I love you". Seriously it has been about a decade since I have received that. I make him a meal of his choice and a cake for his birthday every year because he loves food! I even threw him a dessert party this year. I baked an entire tiramisu cake from scratch and cream puffs! I made the pastry, custard, chocolate ganache, and whipping cream all from scratch! Plus my birthday is only 2 1/2 weeks after his. So it's not like he forgets since his celebration is fairly recent. Unless I schedule it, it doesn't happen. That is really sad. I am sure I will talk to him about it tonight. The the routine will continue. He will feel bad and agree that he should do those things. Then for the next 3 week (at most) he will be really great and communicating appreciation. Then goes back to the same thing. I am tired of having to bring it up. I wish we had a new routine. It just makes me sad. I love him and am not going anywhere. He is still my best friend. I just wish my need were more at the forefront of his mind as his needs are in my mind.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #303 on: February 10, 2018, 05:49:22 PM »
Well yesterday was my daughter and my birthday. My hubby finally did something different than the norm. After talking with him and telling him, again, how I feel he asked me what would make me feel special. Normally he would go out and buy some random gift and apologize all over himself but I feel like this time he actually head what I was saying. I told him the only thing I wanted is to work on a project together. We are living in the downstairs of a project home. Progress has been slow. I said I would love to finish sanding and painting the staircase. SO we did. We had a party that evening and it looked so great! When it comes to love languages I am a "quality time" and "acts of service" girl. This was both and it meant so much! We had a bunch of friends and kids over. I made matzo ball soup, and gourmet build your own grill cheese. I even made all of the different breads from scratch. My daughter asked for me to make a cheesecake with a brownie bottom, chocolate ganache topping and fresh strawberries, so I did. It ended up being quite fun! I was able to finish a project that I have been chipping away at, I got to bake with my kids (I love that!), and spend time with my family. That was the perfect birthday.

PE30

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #304 on: February 11, 2018, 12:36:52 PM »
 Just scrolling past the spam... That sounds like a lovely birthday! I'm really pleased for you. Food sounds delicious too.
:)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #305 on: February 12, 2018, 06:03:15 PM »
So the weekends went well. We had our family day Sunday and after church took the kids to an indoor swim park. It was so nice to relax. The kids swam and my hubby and I got to sit on the side and read some books, visit, and just put our feet up and chill. It was really great.

This week I am preparing to visit my sister. She is about an 8 hr drive away and I am going with just me and the kiddos. Her house is really difficult to visit because her son is the same age as mine and she doesn't monitor her son's screen use at all. He has an xbox, ipad, tv, iphone,  and computer all in his room! Our boys are 10 and I know that is the age that some of the men on here got started at. I don't allow my kids to use screen in other rooms that adults aren't in. We limit their screen time to about 3 hrs per week in total. Her son is on a screen all the time. We went camping last summer and he didn't have his phone and he had a total tantrum. He kept trying to use our phones. He would literally pick up my phone if he saw it laying on a counter and try to use it. Anyway all of this to say it is tricky being a guest and still being consistent to our parenting. I have talked to my sister about our rules and she knows about my husbands addiction but she doesn't really think about maybe turning off the tv when we are visiting. It can be really triggering. I am praying for peace for the trip, safe roads, and an enjoyable visit. Or at the very least I can be thankful its only 2 nights, lol.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #306 on: February 13, 2018, 11:01:17 AM »
Just trying to be consistent to posting. Not much new. Feeling at peace with the trip this weekend for now, lol. Just trying to get everything ready to go (meaning I better deal with the pile of laundry so I have clothes to pack, lol).
Hope anyone reading this is having a wonderful day!

whereismoxy

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #307 on: February 13, 2018, 03:22:41 PM »
dang, your newphew sounds...like fun? 

but in all seriousness, enjoy your trip with the kids!  and i'm proud of you for your efforst.  not many men or women are able to front this addiction like you.  and like you said, it is a process.   

be safe, & make it a great day!
last PMO: january twenty-eight, two-thousand eighteen

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #308 on: February 19, 2018, 04:22:26 PM »
Made it back home safely. It was a long drive 8 1/2 hrs each way. This trip was ok. Lots to ponder and process. My sister's son is the same. It is not enjoyable to visit as I am constantly watching the kids. Makes me feel like I can't relax. My hear breaks for my nephew. He doesn't talk to others well. For a while I even wondered if he is autistic but my sister has had him tested and he is not autistic. He doesn't express life like other kids. All he wants to do is play on his phone and ipad while watching tv. If you turn off one of those he get mad and throws a fit. He is 10, it is sad. My kids aren't allowed to have that much screen time so half the weekend was spent with my sister irritated that I wouldn't just relax and let my kids be on screen for the entire day because she wanted her son to play with my kids and my kids were playing outside in the snow. He went out for a little while but for the most part my kids built a snow castle with tunnels and everything, they road snow mobiles, and had a snowball fight while my sister's son watch tv and played on his phone. He misses so much in life. That future just doesn't seem as bight.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #309 on: February 20, 2018, 03:55:57 PM »
Well life just never slows down. I have been doing laundry and packing for yet another trip. At least the whole family will be going this time. It is just not the same when it's just me and the kids. We are heading out a few states away to drop off an order at a new retailer and figured we would make a weekend out of it. I have been researching fun places to check out and am so excited to see the art museum! I LOVE art, lol. Even our kids get excited about art museums, it just makes me so happy to see them have an appreciation for creativity! I also love that we home school and have the freedom to go on these trips as a family. Looking back over this process since D-day I am realizing just how therapeutic these trip have been for me, us, and our family. I am so appreciative we have the opportunity to travel, and enjoy time together. Very much thankful for this life!

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #310 on: February 20, 2018, 08:32:44 PM »
Sounds lovely, Aquarius. Hope you have a great time with your family.  :)