Author Topic: A new start  (Read 389 times)

Viper18

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A new start
« on: February 08, 2018, 03:19:03 AM »
Day 1 (08/02/18)

Today I realise I didn't find the reason to keep my word about NOFAP. Well, it's maybe because most of the time I feel that it's ok to use porn these days. Also, I feel like I'm trying to remove a few other addictions like cigarettes and alcohol so that I can be healthier. Doing it all seems a big challenge and so after a while, shortly even, I give up and fail all the way.

In fact, besides the physical aspect of all these addictions and behaviours of mine, I feel that the main idea of doing any effort to stop it is because I believe that I can be a very healthy and strong person. My own limitations to that goal are all the small changes in behaviour since my teenager life that made me like this now. I am fairly ok these days but I keep carrying these behaviours about porn, sex, smoke and alcohol and even at my young age, I can already see the effect on my life, my body.

It's been a few years now that I am going through the motions about it all. I get upset, I made some hard decisions, which I don't keep after a while. On the way I still learn new things about myself and how I fail, how I succeed, and that gives me knowledge and some cues that I can use later. For instance, I know that my consumption of cigarettes is link to alcohol, because I hate smoking if I don't drink. Sometime I would think about smoking and drinking at the same time. More often, I want to relax with my friends and then I think of drinking and smoking. Well actually I don't think I have spent much time together without a drink for years now. Which is crazy and shows how much I am drinking in my everyday life. I would often skip meals at night because I am drinking and smoking. Which means I'm not even feeding my body for a day. The cost of all this is also huge! And my body suffers regularly for that too of course.

And of course, porn and sex in general. Since I was a kid I enjoyed masturbating on pics and videos. I always thought it's quite natural although there is this aspect of hiding that always frustrated me. You gotta hide from people when you masturbate, which is quite a singular thing for something you are supposed to enjoy. It's like doing something illegal or dirty. You don't want people, family, to know that you are doing that but everyone knows because most people do it. Later internet came and that became contagious and even more powerful and invasive in my life as I would need to do it maybe a few times a day in a row. Many emotional cues or physical triggers became entangled in this behaviour until I don't even realise how deep it settle in my everyday life. The mental images, the different things like some girls you are chatting with, the small pains, all that became small but strong cues to want to masturbate and use stronger, harder versions of porn to increase the pleasure. Now I understand that this increase serves the purpose to receive a higher amount of dopamine to shoot the brain and the pleasure center.

Anyway, the point is that I believe there is no reason to not do my best to change my behaviours that limit my life. And these are smoke, drinks, and porn and sex outside of a relationship.

So I make this decision to remove all three from my life now as they are all connected to each other and lead to one another. It is a simple reality.

I want the best in my life and I deserve a healthy life. It's all in my own power and decision to change my behaviour and build new behaviours that will lead to having a better life, a stronger body and achieve my personal goals.

I will keep journaling here as much as possible to track how I feel and refresh my reasons to pursue this path.

First day:
- I am going to do some sport,
- be more on track with my way loss
- and get my diet together
- I also read the YBOP book to educate myself
- remove the phone and screens from my bedroom as this is the most common trigger for me-
- I will drink lots of water
- and little or no coffee.
- I will sleep early
- and wake early
- I will meditate daily in the morning and evening
- Lots of stretches
- Write my objectives and task for the next day and review at the end of the day
- I will keep my word when I say something
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2018, 09:22:25 PM »
Day 2

It was a good idea to come back here. This platform gives me some incentive to do the work and keep my goal closer. Last night, I went for some training and it felt awesome. I also left my phone outside my bedroom and took a book to put myself to sleep and it was good. I am feeling more rested today and calm. I have also used an app to provide me some guidance for my meditations which I am doing daily in the morning and evening if I am alone. The meditation gives me insight on my own chatter and stress level. I also feel clearer when I am done with it and I have less anxiety about achieving goals or being busy all the time. Another thing that I realise is how much time I spend on my phone and little in my life, just looking outside and being present. That is an important step for me because the virtual conversation on the phone keeps me busy with a lot of crap most of the time. And I spend so little time to actually live my life. I am now check much less my phone and just being free from it. It feels good to just look around, enjoy the sun and the wind and just breathe.
I have realised also that it is actually a good choice for me to just quit drinking, smoking and pmo at the same time. They are all related in my life and ruin my well-being everyday. I have destroyed my body and mind by being addicted to those things.
Today I feel that I don't care much about anything else than being chill, relax, energised and feeling joy in simple things. I have things that I want to do in my life for sure, but none of these things must go against the way I want to live my life. This is way that I chose to feel joy daily and at every moment.
I am grateful to having this opportunity to do something good today again.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2018, 09:56:19 PM »
Day 4

Hello to this new day. I am still here, not using porn. I have thought about using porn a few times. Each time it was because I felt emotional, tired, alone, angry, something that is basically out of interest towards mating or affection, even toward myself. It's just a fix to calm my feelings. I haven't pmo but occasionally felt like I wanted to masturbate, after seeing the person I am dating now, or out of habit to masturbate when I am in bed. I realise that I actually dont really enjoy it right now and my erection is not really strong. That is also because I have been out partying a few times last few days and I am feeling tired. Anyway, Going through this moment might not be the most happy moment in my life but I have decide that I better learn to go through things without denying myself and without using porn or even masturbation if it's not out of real arousal.
I am dating this girl for now a few weeks. We only see each other occasionally and I like it when we are together. However I feel frustration in me when I realise that we barely kissed in all this moments, we are like boyfriend and girlfriend around other people but we are not really intimate. After a while I am afraid I will loose interest and won't invest myself much. Already when the weekdays pass and we only occasionaly chat on the phone, I feel upset and disappointment and I intentionally don't feel like texting her so that I can see how it goes without interacting. This is to all honesty a weird experience for me because all my previous long relationship were pretty straightforward and I would see them often and soon after a few meetings we would have intimate sex that would bond us closer and we would live at each other's place and start build something.
This time, it's slow and sporadic and kinda disappointing. I don't know why but I feel even sad or upset when I think about it. If someone knows why I am feeling this way I'd happy to listen to your views.
Might be that I want a relationship and bonding and share with someone on a day to day basis, but now I am upset because that this is not happening and I putting some effort in this relationship but also I don't get the good things that I would like to see in the relationship. A guy that I met actually mentioned that he felt upset because of that too with his gf since they have been seen each other for a few months but they never had intimate relation together but act as gf and bf still. Ok, if I want to be open with this girl, I would think that I can be ok with not rushing anything now, and see how it goes. but in that case, I need to tame my own feelings and also keep the focus on my life too and the things that I like to do.
Maybe I have a line here actually. Since I started to be disappointed, I have been more obsessed with the thinking about that, her, and stories around her friends and "shit" and opinions I have heard. Meanwhile, I have kinda lost the fun in doing the things that I like to do in my life, getting the job done, my objectives in short medium and long term. And I have been more obsessed with checking my messages, or even piking on her to see if she's online etc. and all this time waiting for her to contact me. Like I would have done when I was a teen. Might be a good time to learn from that and grow like a man now. Learn to spot this things I do is crucial now, and act on that. Essentially, kick my habit to check on my phone is a must, an put my focus on my life inside me and outside. Do things good for me and others around me. Continue my exercising, doing simply my work, catching up with family and friends and let go of piking on my phone or internet. Let this very new experience with this girl grow naturally or fade eventually if it's not there. But most important, don't let it grow bigger than what is it in reality now. I know that I have been wanting a good relationship with someone for a long time now and also want to have a family. But those things come because they make sense and with the right person and relationship.
Right now, I am also learning to deal with my life without using porn or masturbation, also getting better with using alcohol or cigarette as a mean to deal with my life and emotions.
To me, my reason to be here is really that. I have realised that my using porn or alcohol or smoke is mostly because I have learned to use it to deal with my emotions and feelings. It's not the man I want to be now. So it's a good time for me to ground myself well, and grow with better tools and skills to be the strong and stable man I see when I imaging a role model for me. I will keep this image in my mind and faking it until I make it. That's a good start.
Good day to all
V
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 09:08:43 PM »
Day 5

This is a pretty good streak since I haven't been able to stop pmo for a while now. It's good.

I am not sure way but I am feeling a bit low since a few days. I am guessing it's because i' am tired and somewhat confused with the relation that I am having with this girl I am seeing recently. I haven't watched porn although I have thought about it because it's my usual way to get aroused and get a shot of dopamine that would put me to sleep and relaxes me. However last night after our diner, I felt that I didn't want to use porn to suppress what I was living anymore. I wasn't upset against porn, I was simply thinking this is a shit way to deal with my life now and it's time for me to f..ing grow and look at my life now. I still wanted to masturbate because I wanted to relax, feel something nice in me. But actually I ended up touching myself for 10 minutes and not having an erection all this time and other feelings of sort of sadness, confusion in me and thoughts about completely unrelated things. Then I stopped and just stay on my bed with eyes opened and breathing and letting the flow of emotions and thoughts go through me. I didn't judge any of that, and somehow I felt a sense of peace and acceptance. After a while I tried again to masturbate but it wasn't nice at all so I decided to have a cigarette, which didn't happen in a long time when I am not drinking and alone. Then I realised that I was dealing with my feelings and my life the same way that I was doing at my worse in my life by using artificial drugs and addictions to suppress my life, and find an artificial relieve while thinking I am dealing ok like that. As in, when I smoked, I think I believed that helped me deal with my emotional state actually. Well in fact I felt the burn on my tongue, my lungs full of smoke and asfixiating, but no sense of relieve besides the exhaustion that smoking makes you feel. I off my cigarette and through them in the trash so I wouldn't be tempted to spend the night just reaching for them instead of resting.
I woke up this morning with thoughts and dreams that weren't nice but as I opened my eyes I saw that it was all in my head. I rested a little bit more like that, masturbated in thoughts of this girl I am dating but I am not 100% sure about us and although I climaxed I wasn't really into it. And that was it.
This was an experience of how I deal with my emotions and feelings. Porn and smoke (and alcohol) are my drugs of choice when the shit hits the fan and I am learning it again now.
Last night we had a long chat about our feelings and I shared my views to her that I was serious and although I didn't to force, push anything, I wasn't trying to meet other people and I expect that from the other person now because I want to be fair and honest. But somehow I feel that I am not sure I like all this chatter, though I feel it's necessary if I don't want to feel bad imagining things and regretting not saying my mind now, even at this ealry stage. I am attracted to her, and I feel like she's confortable, but we are a bit off as well, and that upsets me. I guess I am used to have a different relationship with my partners which is a clear appreciation of each other and time together. Yes, maybe that's why I am upset for the last few days and weeks. I don't feel that she is attracted as much but just like to spend time together because it gives her some comfort of some sort and it's convenient. That makes me feel upset, confusion. On the other side I also like to spend time together and I didn't mind not being 100% in to someone but I realised maybe now that I am not real with myself and that I actually want to feel a natural connection and real interest in to the other person. I don't want to be a patch in the life of someone else. I don't know. She has never mentioned that she likes me as much, but just said it's nice, convenient. But now I know that writing this helps me to put my thoughts flat but doens't mean I am solving anything and I don't want to make the mistake that I have done before to jump in to conclusions or mental stories and completely distord the reality and "simplicity" of things and just being upset and get rid of this relationship with a bitter and sad feeling and no sense of growth. Which will make me also get back to isolation and porn and smokes. This is not the point now. The point is to be the man I have decided to be. To fake it until I make it.
This man acknowledge is emotion and let them be and go throught them. He just uses them to fuel his growth has he finds the good and right things to do in his life. So right now, for me that means, look at the window of my eyes and open myself to now, here only. Work on growing the things that are good in my life, my health, going for some exercise and the group of friends that enjoy exercising, eat well and feed my body and mind with useful things to grow and stay balanced, complete the objectives I set to myself in work, life and growth. Focus on that. Continue to find to cool things I want to do in my life and let the moments and present flow naturally. Let the past and forget about the future because it doesn't exist. Only now and here.
Accept what comes and work with it, being emotions, people, thoughts, events... Understand my habits of using artificial fixes like porn, masturbation, relationships, smoke and alcohol. And find and develop my way of life that keeps me halthy and growing as a man. Keep getting inspired by people who show the same values and skills that I want in my life. Don't try to figure out everything, let time teachs me and other people around show me my way and be confident about myself. That I am on my own path and that it is the path that I choose for myself and that's good.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

akpal2

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Re: A new start
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 10:15:46 PM »
It's been motivating reading your logs viper while I try to recover from my own relapse.



Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2018, 02:45:02 AM »
It's been motivating reading your logs viper while I try to recover from my own relapse.

Hi mate,

Glad you appreciated my log here. If it's not to build a better person and life for myself and the people close to me, I would never find the courage to do these efforts. It motivates me now to go through life with all honesty.

Hope you find your real reasons as well :) Stay in touch anytime.

Cheers
V
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 03:14:01 AM »
Quick log

I have taken some time to write my thoughts previously and now I am in a better mood. I realise that I need to get more rest, being more aware of my physical state and take care of myself with the best way, take some sun, catch up with a friend who listens and like to chat, without alcohol or cigarette (because those makes me more tired and emotional, and actually depressed if I am already in the wrong state of mind). I have drank, smoked and slept less for the past few days and I am now just enjoying a better day of rest. I am eating healthy foods, drink little coffee, had a chat with one close friend, focused on looking at my objectives and things I want to get done today and tonight, gave myself some rest and made sure to listen to music that are upbit or no music otherwise to keep my mood at its best. I am being simple and avoid internal conflits, but rather give myself a tap on the shoulder and some warmth. Rather then talking too much, and questioning, I act with the best of my character, have a smile on my face, being warm to people, acknowledge the good things I have in my life, which I want to do more actually because it's actually true that I am blessed with goods things in my life. I have a good job, with a sufficient wealth to live well, a great family around and friends... and I am happy that I have met someone I can say I like to spend some time with. I am also happy that we are in a age where we can reach out, like with this website, and actually learn to be a better person and lead a good life. We all make mistakes and we learn. That makes us better everyday as we put the effort to look at it this way. I guess being a good person is about valuing all this and contributing to other people's life and leading our life the best way that we can. That sounds cheesy but I believe it now as I am trying to be the person that I want to be, my best. Finding inspiration is one of the things that I always rely on to move forward in my life.
In respects to porn addiction, I am inspired by people who have learned their inner weaknesses and paid attention to the way they were leading their life and changed it to the best. I am learning everyday that I have grown up with using some of the wrong tools and skills to deal with my life. Using porn, cigarettes and alcohol are all artificial quick fixes. They bring a temporary recreational relieve, that also lead to a lack of actual imagination to solve and deal with my problems. And now it is the best time to relearn to build the skills and tools to go along with my life. Awareness is a good start, knowing when I feel an emotion that triggers my wanting to use, stopping the habit, using some new tools to solve my problems, which might also include patience and doing nothing until I understand better the deep reasons of the event like yesterday. Finding the person I want to be in my mind, my imagination, getting inspired by other people, applying the new skills until I feel it and replacing my old toolbox of additions with a healthy one that will bring actual progress in my life. And maybe one day, I will have a family, will be a father and will be able to lead by example and be a role model. This is one of my life goals. And it will start with all my addiction first that will be replaced.
Aright, enough chat for now. Let's go ;)
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2018, 04:09:33 AM »
I just felt a lot of tension as I came back home right now. I slowly realised that I felt a lot f anger, inside, tension, and still feel it. I have decide to login this moment to have a break and go through it. Think of a good thing to do in the next two hours until I get back to calm. I wonder if I am feeling like this because I haven't used porn to pmo for the past few days and now it kicks me in the butt randomly. It could be. This anger, tension, I must use it to my advantage I feel. I am gonna go for training even though I was not planning to do but to work. I know I can't work right now and if I use a screen I am gonna be tempted to edge and pmo soon. Ok I get ready then to train.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

whereismoxy

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Re: A new start
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2018, 04:37:39 AM »
i think what you are going through is what addicts would call the "withdrawal" phase. i go through it too and best way to beat it is to distract yourself. go lift some weights, sprint or go for a run. use that energy you have pent up towards something productive.

good luck
last PMO: january twenty-eight, two-thousand eighteen

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2018, 10:17:25 AM »
i think what you are going through is what addicts would call the "withdrawal" phase. i go through it too and best way to beat it is to distract yourself. go lift some weights, sprint or go for a run. use that energy you have pent up towards something productive.

good luck

Hi,

Yes thanks, actually you are probably right. I thought I was just upset and tense. Because I actually did masturbate (without any pleasure, or lil), in the past few days without porn, I thought I would not have some sort of withdrawal but I might go through it indeed. I went for a good training this evening for 1.5 hours, and I actually felt great after that and though physically tired, mentally fine. I had a short moment of upset feeling when chat with the girl I am dating for some reason, but because I have been listening to a lot of motivational video and seen my improvement after doing a good training, I managed to cool down and let it go and go back to my work and objectives. I have been quite active and that feels great.

Thanks for reading my log. Good luck to you (all) too, this is seriously important to all of us I am sure.

Cheers
V
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2018, 12:41:40 PM »
Ok, I can't sleep. I have had a quick chat with this girl and I am constantly focusing on stupid things from what we chat about. I feel anger, tension, frustration. I direct all this towards her because I feel that she is weird, undecisive, secretive but want to be open as well. I f...ing hate this moment seriously. I have spent most of my recent years not giving a damn about girls that I have met and though I was always respective to them, I never felt affected by what was going on there. I had flings, no relationships, and I know that I missed the sharing and spending time with someone. And I thought that I liked spending time with her, but it's all ackward and I am not sure if I am more frustrated and focused on shit because I am going through something like withdrawal effects, or something else is going on, or all this at the same time.
What the f...k should I do seriously. I can think of doing more sport and using this tension on building energy. Right now, it's hard for me to focus on work when I am like this. The worse is that I feel that I could also somehow don't give a shit as much about us, and just go with the flow, don't invest myself and just stay free to do my things and decide to join her when I feel like it. When I think like that, I feel also frustrated because I have felt jealousy towards her, and the fact that other guys hit on her and try to reach her for dates. That annoys me. As well as the fact that she doesn't really show attraction to me. But instead of being frustrated and care so much about that, why I can't seem to not care so much and go with my things and have priorities toward myself and lead my life. I am loosing my path and calm and that's a pain in the ass.
Usually I would smoke it out, and pmo to release the pain. But actually right now I just want to stay awake and crush a wall. I don't feel or think about sex at all, nor porn or girls, I just feel tension, very deep and subtile, not the kind of tension external. Deep deep. Soo yea, I decided to put my thoughts here instead of spending the night f...g with my brain. Now is the time for me to be clever and open my sense to new ways to deal with my shit. Don't take this lightly, and open myself to ways I don't expect so easily. I am thinking to use humour to relieve mental tension, and putting things in perspective. I am thinking doing push ups and pull ups as much as I need to exhaust my physical tension. I am thinking avoiding using my phone and shit like this will piss me off now because it's not about doing something, but avoiding and forbiding myself to do something and I have the instinct feeling that I will react frustrated to that. Like a kid who can't do something, I feel frustration first and anger and upset. Maybe that tension is part of why I feel shit now about this girl instead of not paying much attention and being calm inside and focused to important things.
Ok, I am gonna read YBOP book for a while and see if I relax.
Use this tension for a good thing and learn to deal with it.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

whereismoxy

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Re: A new start
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2018, 02:38:03 PM »
this is maybe a tough pill to swallow, but stop letting this ONE girl have so much emotional power over you.  it's toxic, and interrupting, what should be a positive mindset that you are developing while going through NoFap/NoPorn. 

you say this girl is being secretive, unresponsive, awkward, & she is upsetting you! drop her, ghost her. make her chase you, not the other way around.  continue further improving yourself through this journey & girls will come in time.  keep the focus on you.
last PMO: january twenty-eight, two-thousand eighteen

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2018, 07:33:46 PM »
this is maybe a tough pill to swallow, but stop letting this ONE girl have so much emotional power over you.  it's toxic, and interrupting, what should be a positive mindset that you are developing while going through NoFap/NoPorn. 

you say this girl is being secretive, unresponsive, awkward, & she is upsetting you! drop her, ghost her. make her chase you, not the other way around.  continue further improving yourself through this journey & girls will come in time.  keep the focus on you.

Day 6

Hi buddy,

Thanks for the message of encouragement and advise. I think you are right. Right now this is getting toxic to me as I am putting to much emotional strenght in it. Might be her or not, I am for sure not doing what I planned to do in my life before I met her and this is not rewarding (either the things I am doing for myself or with her) the way I wanted to. I am gonna focus my energy on improving myself and let her chase me if she wants too. The point is that I have been in other relationships before and it was great, even more so in the beginning, and this looks different to me. Anyway, for now I have no real reason to spend so much time to direct my energy on this new date. I want to have a relationship but there is no rush for that and it will make sense when I will be in to someone really, might be her or someone else.
The point is now to keep improving myself and going through this.
I have managed to sleep quite well and my mind is kinda clearer and the tension lower than last night. I have had no sexual impulse or urge to fap. I'll keep being careful with this tension that I have sensed past few days and build the right response and tools to use this extra raw energy to do more sport and positive solutions to build myself.

Thanks for the support

Cheers,
V
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

akpal2

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Re: A new start
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2018, 11:09:33 PM »
Yeah viper I would also recommend staying focused on one thing at a time. Forget about the girl for the time being and fix the pied first. Once you have this behind you, you will feel a new confidence. I think you might also be getting hit by brain fog which comes in the first week and preventw clear thinking



Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2018, 01:28:31 AM »
Yeah viper I would also recommend staying focused on one thing at a time. Forget about the girl for the time being and fix the pied first. Once you have this behind you, you will feel a new confidence. I think you might also be getting hit by brain fog which comes in the first week and preventw clear thinking

Hey tks mate for the feedback

Yes it's clearly possible. I just login quickly to write some positive things. I have spent a good morning, slightly better focus at work as I tried to complet one thing at a time. I also didn't spend time checking my phone or waiting for her message, which came later in the morning and was nice. I feel that it helps me now to refocus on my own goals and improving myself definitly. I didn't wait the evening to be tense and frustrated to go for training and I completed instead a good hour of run and workout outside during my lunch break. Had a good salad and got ready to complete my afternoon work. Using my energy, including emotional energy, positively is a clear good skill to replace all my usual ways to go (porn, alcohol, smoke). I feel better now. I am aware of the possible emotions that might and try to be proactive with that now. I am letting space in the dating with this girl and feel happy to catch up with her as I work on myself first as priority.

Cheers all

V
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2018, 09:46:12 PM »
Day 7

OK, let's be honest here. It's day 7 and I feel ok in terms of not watching porn. But I feel sad and tired as well in terms of the girl I am dating. We have spent a good time together last night outside. We like holding hands and going around. But it feels unnatural sometime as she doesn't look or I don't that she wants to be in a relationship. It's like being on a TRuman show seriously. And writing this I see that it's not what I want, even for a time being. Her friend before told me that I have to be patient and give her some time. As she probably has things to figure out. Well, as much as I can understand that, things come naturally too and I don't want to build up wrong feelings around what is going on and us meanwhile. So really, what should I do?
Ok, back to my center. If this is not fulfilling and I am not happy spending that much energy and emotion around it that means that I must do the things that count for me now and all the time. And the now is soo important because as I let this emotions going deep in me, it's toxic, and I remember that when this comes, I realised that I don't know what to do for myself. And I don't want this to happen to me anymore. I have spent a long time alone for the simple reason that I wanted to find my life back again and do the things that I love and feel happy and content about my life and myself. If this story between us doesn't complete my life, that means I must spend my time doing the right things instead. It's not about the girl, it's about me and I am the only one to live my life.
Ok now. What must I do? Recentrer. I am tired because I drank alcohol and smoked late last night. So eat clean, drink lots of water, rest, go for a training, surround yourself with good vibe, avoid being more tired with more alcohol and smoke. Work on your projects, read interesting stuffs. Let go of the thoughts n just acknowledge the fact that my brain will produce those sadder thoughts maybe today and thats ok. It's not real, it's just thoughts processes. The same as a computer who just randomly produces data without making sense or being useful. My brain and mind will produce thoughts and they will pass. Listen to motivational videos, all day if I need to. Be patient, but be active, project myself where I want to be in the future. Who I want to be. Learn to deal with my life and continue to build the right way to live my life to the fullest potential. Leave the rest behind as it doesn't exist anymore. The things that I have done before and the person that was addicted, fragile, unsecure, are behind me, those things don't exist anymore and now I am working on building a good life. Being pornfree is a f..g good start for me to be the man I always wanted to be. And soon or later I will be proud of my path and the way I live my life. I will know how to find and live with the people that build me and bring the good stuff in my life and I will share my good stuff too with them.
Pay attention, be patient, be proactive.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #16 on: February 15, 2018, 02:58:26 AM »
Quick login
I know that I m feeling tired and bad after too many drinks and smokes. So today is rest, replanish my body, reload my strength, and prepare now for what's coming next. I am proud I am doing all this to build a better life. I am proud I am dealing with the porn addiction now. This has made me fail in my relationships and in leading a good life, building my body stronger and have a clear mind. This lead me to be uncomfortable with other people, relationships, not knowing my own strength. Now, I want to be at the best of myself. Be f..g fit, health, athletic and strong, have a clear mind and awarness. I forgive myself for having failed being that person until now, I forgive myself for not having given myself the best out of weakness, or not understanding how important it is to take care of myself first, and thenn take care of the loved ones. To be my best caregiver for myself before I start caring about anyone else. It is not selfish, it is the only way to live happy and healthy, be a role model and give to other people then.
I know what makes me stronger, healthier, better, lighter and positive. Those are sport, lots of it, regularly. lil alcohol and not binge, being in control. Breathe fresh air. lot of water, stretching, sleeping and reading interesting things that inspire me everyday and listen to motivational speakers, get inspired and fascinated with the great things that I like. Cultuvate myself. Continue to build healthy relationships, at work, at home, with friends, with dates, with myself first!! Be the best man I would like to be now.
So now, I am gonna read more about YBOP and educate myself on pornaddiction and get this shitty thing out of my life.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

akpal2

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Re: A new start
« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2018, 07:30:18 AM »
Yes, one thing at a time viper. I would recommend you read through William's thread in porn addiction forum. You will find it very useful for your situation. Especially the post that he made today regarding people with multiple addictions. He said to tackle one at a time starting with porn first.



Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2018, 09:05:27 PM »
Yes, one thing at a time viper. I would recommend you read through William's thread in porn addiction forum. You will find it very useful for your situation. Especially the post that he made today regarding people with multiple addictions. He said to tackle one at a time starting with porn first.

Thanks Akpal for this advice ;)
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

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Re: A new start
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2018, 09:29:24 PM »
Day 8

I have realised that I can realise when I want to masturbate but I am not into it and then I just find myself with my hand on my penis soft and I stop. It makes no more sense for me to masturbate even now if I actually don't feel arouse. Last night after being out with my date, we did started to be more intimate and left to it and each went home. I was still aroused and masturbated with her in mind. Because of my mix feelings about I didn't feel like I wanted to imprint her in my mind by masturbating but I got easierly aroused and it's when I saw that my boner was much fuller, easier to maintain without effort. Anyway, after a few months with a very soft , difficult to maintain, erection, I feel that this break is giving me a chance to replannish my body.
The anger I felt a few days ago is easier to control as I don't feel the inner tension as much. I also don't want to think about the things that don't work the way I wish it does. Those things are not under my control. However, I want to continue to build myself, bits by bits.
So what is next?
I will be on my own for the next week while she's away on holiday. It's a good time to do my own things now. What are the things I can focus on to be better? To live better?
Go out, go for a run, do some push ups and pull ups, eat well, drink a lot of water. Continue to lose the fat you want to get rid of, avoid alcohol and smoke now because that slows you down. I want a strongth body, then go make it.
Work wise, I know the things I want to get done. So get it done.
Surround myself with positive vibe and motivational speak, let the low, down, sad, angry, tense stuffs, OUT OFMYLIFE!
Do this 99 % of my awake time and everything will be awesome! Never give up on myself, always push forward, remember that joy and happyness is a chemistry in your body that comes to the one thatbuild up themselves. It's not something outside of me, it's only inside. So cultivate yourself, cultivate your inner joy and build the strength naturally inside you to keep growing it.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

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Re: A new start
« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2018, 03:17:50 AM »
I went for a good run this morning, did few push ups and pull ups and crunches and I felt good from the start as I was moving, my blood flowing in my body, feeling the sweat and the heat of the sun. I am now able to do more push ups and pull ups than I was before I started to reboot. It feels good even if it takes time to recover and mood might change during the day a few times. I am doing what I have to do to feel good, to have a good day that fulfills me. Read interesting things, have usefull conversations rather than confusions feelings. I had a chat with my date, and I realise what is the thing that is not fitting rigth now with me. It's that she is very uncertain of things, keeps being more random, and hard to follow in her thought process. She then externally expresses very mixed feelings. As the receiver, that makes me confused and upset when she goes back and forth with her approach towards me. And to be true with myself, I am sensitive to this as I haven't been, or tried to, attached to anyone in many years since a bad break up and troma in my life. That puts a tall in my confidence level as emotions rush in me, with jealousy, sense of giving up but at the same time fear of loosing out something important, unrooting myself as I leave the good things that I build before. Even if she might be a nice person, right now, I have started to lose my own selfgrounding because I allowed myself to be touched by someone. Now I am learning about what comes with it, when someone else is not, or don't look commited to you, though she seems trustful and pleasant. It's an unpleasant feeling because I must not leave myself on that path. I recognise a pattern here in fact. The man that I imagine is well aware that it is important to be really aware of the good things in his own life, the things that he builds because they are important. And that he will only allow people with the same respect and views to contribute to his life, mutual contribution to build something. This is how a healthy relationship works. And that starts naturally because two people find themselves in agreement with their own paths. So the really shit here is not this girl, the real shit is what I am going to on my own path. I use this diary to login in my thoughts, feelings, processes and shit to keep moving forward as I am rebooting and changing a defective addiction in my life.
Ok so, sport and daily exercise, more than once  day, morning and evening and lunch is good for me. It makes me stronger, fitter, lighter, more confident and achieving a good target in my life, which is to be and remain healthy and athletic. Then, good food, lot's of water brings the nutrients and help clear my body from the trash inside. Then, I must plan and complete the important tasks and objectives at my work. Which means, being consistent in all the previous healthy habits is a must so that I build up the necessary energy to complete my other objectives. Taking care of my home and my things, appreciating what I have achieved until now and the things that I have because really I have achieved a lot of good things in my life already and I have acquired wealth and good relationships in my life. So it would wrong for me to not recognise that and as someone was saying during those motivational talks, we do not spend enough time to celebrate the things that we achieve. We spend too much time wanting, unfortunately too often things that are not even good or necessary to us as we have the wrong addictions. I have definitely wasted a lot of energy by buidling wrong pattern and habits and addictions, rather then building and using the right way of life. A small habit that I do now everyday I realise is to make my bed when I wake up and get out of bed. When I do it now, I do it consciously because I know that it is for me later when I will want to rest my body and soul in the evening or when I would take a nap during the day. I make my bed comfortable so that I take care of myself. And that's the first thing I do in the morning. I think those habits and small actions that I do during the week and each day, help me boost the confidence that I am and will do the best I can for my life. And that includes going through some degree of pain to build myself stronger.
Ok I feel build up now after a short write up and ready to move on with my day.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2018, 06:13:46 AM »
After a nap, I realised that I had thoughts about the girl that I am seeing with a sad context and story around it, and shortly after I woke up and I sensed this tension of anger again. I let it go and jumped on my feet to do some stuff in the house, got myself busy the YBOP book and did some cooking of healthy. The food relieved some of the tension and warmed my body. I then took a cold shower which helped me unfog my brain as I realised that I was in a deep fog, with some sense of depression. Then I went to meditate, which helped me realise and visualise the thoughts that went through my mind. They were sometime subtile but definitely with a sad and depressing sense of self. It reminded me how I felt many years ago for a long time and that memory got me thinking about how much I have learned from how I managed to feel better after a long time of work on myself and it was almost shocking that I could feel this emotion now. I am not sure what to say about the girl I am seeing and if I should associate it to this experience at all. I feel that through this present moment, there is something I should pay attention to and realise. Which is, I am easily affected to the feeling of depression, sadness, loneliness, anger, and a girl is often a big trigger of those feelings in time in my life. But most importantly, regardless of whether it's really coming from this or simply the withdrawal from using porn and shooting myself with masturbation etc, I learn one thing: my first option that comes to my mind when these emotions and uncomfortable feelings come is to hide from them. I want to fly away from them. I would think of drinking alcohol, smoke cigarettes, complain about how bad this girl is to me or how bad I feel about it..., I would use porn and shoot myself with dopamine. I would hide from all the pain and try to escape. And hence, I would never learn to deal with it. And most importantly I would never prove to myself that I can and must deal with it with the real way, and becoming the man I want to be. A man that doesn't fly from a challenge and hide to escape from his own life. When I felt the emotions, which I can sense, deeply hiding inside me, I observed it. By observing it I wasn't involved in it, but like a scratch on the skin, I acknowledged the sensations, and went on with it. Maybe it will pass, shortly or much later, maybe it's from not pmoing for a while, maybe it's my personal life relationship challenge. All this doesn't matter why in a sense. But what matters is what I am going to do about it.? the first thing after being aware of it, is to accept that it is natural feeling, and I shouldn't be scared of it. I am not in "danger". I can let it be, and progressively go with my day. When I am hungry, I cook and eat, when I am foggy, I take a cold shower and wake up, when I am confused, I stop and meditate, and become present and aware of what is going on inside my mind and my body and I separate myself from the feelings and visualise them from the perspective of my soul. I am not pain, sufferance, loneliness, boredom, depression, anger, joy... I observe and sense all this as separate body reaction. I can make myself feel good by dealing with my life the right way. Right now, I am dealing with porn addiction and this is serious as I want a healthy lifestyle and relationships.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

akpal2

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Re: A new start
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2018, 12:50:34 PM »
wait, did you jack off on day 8?



Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2018, 10:37:26 PM »
wait, did you jack off on day 8?

Hey,
Yes. I am not trying to do nofap, I am just not using any artificial stimulation such porn, pictures...
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle

Viper18

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Re: A new start
« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2018, 11:09:22 PM »
Day 9

Last night I went to a friend's place and we had a long chat about relationships. It was nice and I felt pretty good after we spent this time exploring our thoughts and views about how we feel about love, relationships and emotions around it. Anyway it was nice and I feel like right now I better stop reflecting too much about it as I am kinda confused at the moment with my feelings and I don't necessarily think I will help anything if I keep focusing on that. Rather, I just want to check in.
It's been more than a week now. I have had much temptation to check on porn, maybe a few times I was tempted to check on pictures on social media but I realised that I was just trying to get back on porn eventually so I didn't do anything. I don't have much thoughts about sex, even when I am with my date, I have just more thoughts about doing things and spending time together. I have passed a phase of wanting to hookup with people as well and I don't entertain sporadic messages from girls I have met before who want to meet for sex. That was a good decision and move in my life. Coinscidentaly that's when I met my date and when I also decided to quit porn and deal with my addiction. Now, I am still in this phase of quite sexual peace where I don't chase any orgasm at all. Even when occasionnaly I masturbate, it might feel kinda of ritual rather than rooted in a special intimate moment. I would think of my date, or maybe imagine a random girl... but it feels like a ritual that I had for a long time because of a routine masturbation on porn. I think I am going to look at it with a straight look, and not masturbate if I am not aroused but just dealing with a routine. I will replace my routine with getting up out of bed, doing some strecthing and maybe going for a run and meditation or straight shower and start my day.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."
― Aristotle