Author Topic: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!  (Read 13492 times)

Loving_Mary

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #125 on: January 22, 2018, 05:51:21 PM »
Hello,

Yes, I haven't seen porn since June and Augustlast year - so that's only 2 PMO relapses since I began this journey at the start of 2017.

Unfortunately, I relapsed to MO straight after I completed my first ever hardmode following my 2nd relapse in August. This relapse set my progress further as there is less blood flow now and shrunk penis.

it seems that the problem is orgasming. In which case, what on earth will I do if I meet a woman??

Hi DAO, first of all I wanna congratulate you for all those months without porn. It's really great news :)

Second I think one of your problems is your mental frame, in terms of what women and sex mean to you.

Addcits like myself tipically substitute personal relationships with a sick relationship with sex. And PM is a sick substitute of that too.

Look, you've been struggling for many years and I don't think that thinking about sex with women will help you right now: it sounds like it's something that causes you ansiety. And guess what ansiety does: it feeds the addiction, both to P and M.

I've taken much of these ideas from Patrick Carnes books. Have you read them?

If not, maybe you wanna get them from Amazon, they trully helped me to understand what was and is happening to me.

They're called: "Out of the Shadows" and "In the shadows of the net". Te first one is more generallistic and the second more specific.

Rome wasn't built in one day.

You're doing well.

Look at yourself in comparison of 6 months ago, 1 year or 2 years ago. It sounds that you're better, right?

Even if not, you've got the oportunity to improve yourself today, study the theory and apply the practice.

Come on man, if you want to, you can do it!

One day at a time, man :)
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #126 on: January 25, 2018, 06:00:46 AM »
Hey man,

I remember a couple of members mentioned a possible solution that has actually come up for recently - core identity.

Now, I have no way of knowing what the core identity you hold about yourself is, so you can take what I say here with a pinch of salt.

Recently, I a section in a book by Tony Robbins (Awaken the Giant Within) that talks about the concept of core identity and how it affects everything we think, say and do. For instance, a person whose identity is that of one who cares for others, when that identity is revealed to them explicitly (i.e. through discussion and probing), they might realise that they have not been acting in accordance with that in certain areas and radically change their lives.

Like, when a very overweight person who considers themselves a "healthy person" is made to realise that their eating and exercise habits are at odds with the identity they hold dear, they will not want to go against their core identity, and suddenly change their behaviour for good. It can also work in reverse; a person who suddenly starts seeing themselves as a "failure" due to one incident, regardless of a consistent track record of success in the past, will start to make unnecessary mistakes, stop taking care of themselves etc.. The end result will be failure.

For a long time, my identity of myself has been of "an addict" or "an alcoholic" or "a drug addict" or "sex addict". Only recently have I come to realise that, while this served me in my early recovery from substances, it might not serve me now. Now, while I will introduce myself as "an addict" or similar, in a 12 step meeting, internally I will reaffirm more strongly that I am "a leader", "a warrior", "a conqueror", "a teacher", "a father", "a provider" etc.. Just different positive affirmations I want to live up to.

The reason I go into such depth is that I realise now that words can radically change how we engage with the world and, in the long term, the results we experience in life. For instance, I might have $10, with a very strong, positive self-concept, that money will enrich my life much more than if I have $100 with a negative self-concept. In fact, with a negative self-concept that $100 could actually lead to my destruction, which it has in the past.

So, my suggestion is this:

1. Change your screen name.  The name "DepressedAndOut" almost guarantees that you will fail in this journey. It immediately puts you in a negative mind-set even before you start posting, and I'm sure it rarely lifts you up afterwards either.
2. Start a new journal with your new name, something more empowering and positive.
3. Post links to your new journal on this, your current journal, so the guys on here can follow your journey and be encouraging.
4. On your new journal, focus less on the negative impacts (eg ED, "penis size" etc..) and more on the positive steps you are taking and the positive results you are experiencing as a result, most importantly with a note of gratitude each time for this progress.

Now, of course you have a number of challenges, which aren't insignificant by any means. Of course, mention them, but only in passing for the benefit of someone who is new to your most recent post. There will be days when we should go ahead and rant, but we should quickly return to the laser-like focus on our success, the goal of being healthy and happy, whatever that might look like.

The point is not to gloss over our challenges as sex/porn addicts, but to encourage ourselves and each other and to share strategies, tools and plans of action for the victory over these. 



DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #127 on: February 11, 2018, 06:16:50 AM »
So this morning  I relapsed to MO. However, this time I’m not sure about the effects of this orgasm For a number of reasons:

1. I didn’t touch my penis. I actually orgasmed while ‘having sex with my duvet’! - rubbing my cock to it while being on top and grabbing both ends of the duvet and putting them in my mouth (to mimick the breasts). Basically I kept fucking the rolled up duvet and talking dirty to it. My brain was still half as sleep as this relapse happenend during those moment of weakness upon waking up and feeling like you need to orgasm.(still didn’t feel horney though!) unfortunately what happens happened.

2. When I ejaculated, I didn’t actually feel the pleasure. It was more enjoyable fucking the duvet pretending it to be a woman and talking dirty to it. Last night I went to a casino (I don’t gamble, just to see half naked girls really) to get used being around women, even though I didn’t speak to them.

Anyway, I’m really anxious whether this was a relapse or not. I’m considering it as a relapse as this is the worst case scenario, which means that I’m back to square one. I can’t seem to get a run of more than three months before relapsing to MO.

It just feels so hopeless.  :'( :'( :'(
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

scorpion1386

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #128 on: February 11, 2018, 06:31:34 AM »
Are you physically able to be aroused by visual stimuli?

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #129 on: February 11, 2018, 06:32:19 AM »
Also, my point for reason one above is that you can ‘fool’ your brain about the physical requirement of sex/relationships (ie cuddling). I mean by that, I once, upon waking up, felt really depressed and started crying. Few seconds later, I grabbed the spare pillow next to me and hugged it while still in bed, I almost instantly felt better! For the whole day I felt Fine getting on with my business.

This accidental ‘discovery’ reminded me about something that I came across during my psychology studies, which is the research by Harry Harlow in which he proved that, monkeys at least, primary source of comfort is the physical properties.(ie, hugging their mother). I believe this is why I felt better once I grabbed the pillow and hugged it. It basically “fooled” my primitive brain.

I don’t remember if  Harlow’s work was necessarily applicable to humans, but it felt that way for me.

All I need now is a real person in my personal life!
« Last Edit: February 11, 2018, 06:39:47 AM by DepressedAndOut »
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #130 on: February 11, 2018, 06:36:48 AM »
Are you physically able to be aroused by visual stimuli?

Hello,

Before last night, no. But last night, while watching a beautiful dancer, I did get about 4 out of 10 erection strength.

However, I don’t remember if I was fantasying during my time looking at her or not. But I think most of the time I wasn’t.
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #131 on: February 12, 2018, 04:12:49 AM »
Something that’s happened right now has unsettled me greatly.

I logged in and saw a news story about Cambridge students having their short film banned as it’s resembled 50 shades of Grey. I looked at the image and unfortunately I felt a tremble that lasted 10-20 seconds (even when closing the news story straight away).

I’m now feeling sick that this might have the effects of a relapse in which, in my case, will reduce the blood flow even further. (Which would mean my erections will be reduced even weaker from 4/10 to under.)

Has anyone experienced this before??
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

PE30

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #132 on: February 12, 2018, 04:21:54 AM »
Sounds like a trigger to me. That is, something that's not porn in itself but still triggers the same dopamine release as porn itself. If I'm absolutely honest, reading about that made some part of my brain think "ooh I should go and check that out" but then I've checked myself and I'm not going to do that.

Are you taking medication for your depression / anxiety? (If so - what and how much?)
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #133 on: February 12, 2018, 04:30:56 AM »
Hello,

No, I’ve never been on medication as its side effects like weight gain would destroy my confidence even further.

My head is still feeling hot after that trigger and it feels like I’m entering a flat line again!! :'(

There seems like no way out of this. I’m feeling so sick and distraught right now.
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #134 on: February 12, 2018, 04:36:08 AM »
I honestly feel like killing myself now. I just can’t take a set back after a set back. It seems like I might never recover as triggers are all around us.

I just feel like I’ve had enough of this life and suffering. :'( :'( :'(
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

PE30

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #135 on: February 12, 2018, 05:26:32 AM »
Hey, please don't do that. You have a bright future ahead of you. I think it would be worth talking to a GP about your situation - they might be able to suggest alternatives to medication e.g. counselling, CBT. Also it might be worth calling The Samaritans if you are feeling these feelings about yourself.

Finally - if you are interested in seeing whether faith can help you recover, then I can recommend some good local churches around the Cambridge area (are you based around there?) ... feel free to DM me.

You can do this - you've made so much progress. And there is so much more to you than whether you can get a strong erection or not. Don't let anyone (including yourself) convince you otherwise.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #136 on: February 12, 2018, 05:34:28 AM »
Thanks for your help, but me and religion are done for good. It’s one of the reasons why I never experienced any girls.

I’ve already seen GP and psychotherapist for depression.
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

PE30

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #137 on: February 12, 2018, 07:41:53 AM »
Do you think it might be worth going back to the GP? Having another crack at it?

And I'm going to say this, not because I want to push faith at you or anything, but because I think it's something I've noticed of a lot of people on here: you're in danger of making women your god. These unapproachable beings who are your sole source of life and energy.

I say this as someone who is a chat room addict in recovery. I am recovering from the addiction of being validated by women, the addiction of them telling me I'm good looking, the addiction of making them come, the addiction of being wanted. This in spite of being a married man. The thrill is great, but the thrill doesn't last. There has to be something more than that.

Of course, it's possible to have great joy in a relationship, but it's not the only source of joy in this world. Else you're making women your god, you're making women the object of your religion and worship, and that's both unfair on women and a deception to yourself.

I really do hope you find happiness and joy in life.

Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #138 on: February 12, 2018, 10:08:06 AM »
Unfortunately I just don’t have time to see a GP . Need to work plus the GP practice is in the village next to mine and I rely on public transport. Therefore not that accessible.

Also, when you’ve never been with a woman and is in thier 30s, it’s not easy dismissing beautiful women just like that. (Not that I would ever be able to attract beautiful women.)
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #139 on: February 13, 2018, 04:45:08 AM »
Well the implication of yesterday’s relapse/trigger was a pornographic dream last night!
I have no idea if this has hampered my progress or not as I have no will to test my penis.

I’m simply so unbelievably frustrated and scared right now.
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

PE30

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #140 on: February 13, 2018, 05:56:28 AM »
Can I ask something: what's behind this continual desire to test your penis? Maybe leave it alone until you need it? I think your anxiety is the root cause of the ED, rather than the porn.

I have had a couple of dreams recently where I dreamt that I'd relapsed. I think they're inevitable.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #141 on: February 13, 2018, 06:37:01 AM »
To see if the penis is working as well as it was before the episode that I’ve just had . (The trigger and subsequent dream)

Also, I don’t think it’s down to my anxiety, only partially. But I believe this wouldn’t have too much effect if I’m to be with a woman.
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

PE30

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #142 on: February 13, 2018, 06:45:42 AM »
My advice would be just to leave it alone. If you're trying not to masturbate then it seems a bit dangerous and pointless to be testing out whether you can get an erection. Up to you though.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #143 on: February 13, 2018, 06:50:48 AM »
I am leaving it alone, I don’t test it. The only indication I use is my MW - which is at around 3. :'(
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

whereismoxy

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #144 on: February 13, 2018, 02:43:56 PM »
from what i've read on YBOP, guys that are older tend too reboot quicker.  i'm not sure the science as too why, but there is definitely still hope for you, & its not something to be impossible.  i realize you're depressed, i've suffered the same circumstances for most of my adult life too, you gotta fix that mindset yourself though.  no magic pill will all of sudden make you feel good.  i think you can do that by having a more positive outlook on yourself.  tell yourself you're the prize, that you're money, & you can start producing those feel good chemicals & oxytocin through the thoughts you make.  we're rewiring the way our bodies respond sexually, but it is just as important to rewire our thought processes too, or we'll end up back where we started.  it takes just as much willpower, and hard work as abstaining from PMO, but i know you can do it. 

good luck

what's the longest you have abstained from PMO?
last PMO: january twenty-eight, two-thousand eighteen

MO relapse: february twenty-fifth, two-thousand eighteen   2:40am


MO relapse: 2.25.2018 9pm

MO: 2.26, 2.27, 2.28, 3.1

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #145 on: February 13, 2018, 04:42:34 PM »
Thank you for your message.

Th longest without PMO has been nearly 6 months now. I started my first hardmode mid August 2017. (I relapsed three months into it to MO. But no PMO since August 2017.) I started the whole reboot process at the start of 2017. (did quite a bit of MO and the odd PMO before August time.)

I understand what you're saying about the older guys recovering faster, but unfortunately for me I don't think my brain has anything to go back to. (ie, the natural sexual pathways, as I'm a virgin. Do you know what I mean?)
First Reboot - January 2017
Last PMO - August 2017 (Caused shrunk Penis and less blood flow! Instant abandonment of Porn!)
Last MO - June 2018

In Hardmode now……

vawls1

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #146 on: February 13, 2018, 06:06:45 PM »
Your brain definitely has something to go back to. It's been flooded with dopamine and therefore built a connection to a computer screen and porn. Now we don't find as much pleasure in other things.

No P, no M, no O, along with other things to help your body recover, and you should begin experiencing life like people that didn't fall into PMO like us.

whereismoxy

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #147 on: February 13, 2018, 07:06:58 PM »
^ i agree what vawls1 said.  you do have something NATURAL to go back too.  your original brain path connections.  you said so yourself, & those pathways do not begin with having sex.  they begin while your developing in your mother's womb.  you're a straight, young MALE.  think about that, that's your original brain pathways.  not computer screens, & your fist.   

you absolutely DO have natural brain pathways to go back too.  i 110% believe that.  garner a smidgen of faith for me. 

stay strong & holy shit dude, no PMO since AUGUST 2017?! congratu-fucking-lations, i'm hard thinking about that.  that's amazing.  you've tripled my best streak & i've been practicing NoFap since 2013!!  i'm so proud & pumped for you!  8)
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 07:10:55 PM by whereismoxy »
last PMO: january twenty-eight, two-thousand eighteen

MO relapse: february twenty-fifth, two-thousand eighteen   2:40am


MO relapse: 2.25.2018 9pm

MO: 2.26, 2.27, 2.28, 3.1

FlyPhoenix

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #148 on: February 14, 2018, 09:27:34 AM »
Just have faith that your natural biology will kick in, when you are in a committed relationship. I was a virgin and made the grave mistake of rushing into sex with escorts. If you think PMO and MO are bad, you don't know the agony of being dependent on sleeping with hookers, the agony is unbelievable and getting out of that life is probably the hardest thing I've done in my life, including PMO.

chiefmitch88

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Re: 34 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #149 on: February 14, 2018, 11:01:08 AM »
I'm going to mirror a lot of what the others in your thread have mentioned. It seems very obvious to all the outsiders looking at your journal that you're  quite preoccupied with penis function as well as your status as a virgin.
I'm here to tell you that neither of those things matter to someone who actually cares about YOU.
Also, your ego is the little voice inside of you that tends to identify with the things that have happened in your past or what you're going to be in the future.
Those patterns of thinking are going to perpetuate feelings of depression and anxiety. When you find your brain dwelling on your shortcomings or worries for the future, try to rise above it. Practice breaking away from those thoughts and use your eyes to see what's going on around you, use your ears to hear the music, use your nose to smell the bread baking at the sandwich shop down the street. Life is lived in the NOW and none of the things that you use to define yourself can encompass who YOU really are.
Try reading a good book (highly recommend the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle). Try exercise to get your mind off of things, it also helps with confidence when you start seeing results. Focus on your breath, try meditation. Do something you've wanted to try but have been scared to start.
Look at your career and try to imagine ways that your can improve your fulfillment or realize your true purpose.

Change is not about rebuilding the old, but creating the new.

Your dick and your virginity do not make you who you are, they're part of your story. But if you allow your mind to keep focusing on those things you're constantly going to manifest those inadequacies. The ego loves to define us by our problems , it gives you an identity of sorts. Our mind feels it can fix those problems by analyzing our way out. In my experience this leads to obsessive overthinking. But focusing on those things prevents you from being present in this moment. Is your Life Situation perfect? No? Well neither is mine. However, that doesn't mean I can't lay those problems down and be satisfied with my Life, even joyful in the miracle that brought human life to this moment.

You are deserving of love just the way you are.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2018, 02:39:22 PM by chiefmitch88 »