KidQuick's Journal (46 year old married male)

KidQuick

Member
The room looked like a plain classroom without the chalkboard or alphabet letters on the wall. Nevertheless, it was still filled with people. One of those people stood up.

This person was dressed different than the others. The others were dressed somewhat normal, but this one person was definitely dressed differently. He wore a skintight white body-stocking, blue briefs on the outside of the body-stocking and a bright red cape. Weak lightning bolts shooting from his groin had been printed on his outfit and surrounding those bolts were action words like, "Pffffft" and "Fizzle" and "Noooo." and "Wah Wah Wah." The last was surrounded by music notes.

"I am Captain Crotch Noodle," the strange caped man said, "And I am addicted to internet porn."

"Hello, Captain Crotch Noodle," the others said as if they had rehearsed it too many times.

Captain Crotch Noodle started to sit down, but he was stopped.

A faceless person from the room called out. "Tell us why you are here." The room stirred a little. It was not the way of these people to talk back to the person standing, even if the person standing was actually were more stooping to sit back down.

Captain Crotch Noodle stood back up and assumed a superhero pose. His fists were on his hips, his feet were spread apart and his chest was barreled out. He turned his head to the side as if he were looking for something in the distance. His cape looked like it should have been blowing out behind him, but it did not. It hung limply from his shoulders, much like the muscle hung from between his legs. "I will tell you my story. But first, I must tell you my origin."

___________

It's Day 12 and I have decided to try this journaling thing. I'm, simply put, flat-lining. It's not hard. It's just depressing. I know there have been many discussions about why it is so hard. For me, it's the feeling of not making progress, moving from day to day with the same dead feeling and wanting so bad to feel something, anything, just to let me know I am actually making some sort of progress through this ordeal. The flat-line phase, however, feels like the exact opposite of progress. I say "feels" because I can only hope at this point, that it is something totally different.

That's why I starting thinking about a superhero called Captain Crotch Noodle!

I have been at this for some time, much longer than 12 days. This just Day 12 from the last time I masturbated. I have been at this for a few months now. The first month I edged too much. I didn't realize how bad that was until I read about it. The next two months, I masturbated once each. I'll probably write more about those later.

But first about my background, how I got here.

I am a 46 year old man. I have been married for 9 years now to the most perfect woman in the world (for me anyway), and we lived together for about ten years before we got married. I have always had trouble making love to her. It wasn?t for lack of desire. It was for lack of an erection. And I lived in denial about it for a long long time.

I didn't have trouble with just my wife. I had trouble with everyone I had ever been with romantically. I haven't been with a lot of women, but I wasn?t able to successfully consummate a relationship, not really. There were a couple with whom I was able to have intercourse, but those experiences were very very mechanical. There wasn?t really any connection, any satisfaction. And never with a condom, so there was always that concern.

When I was younger, in my teenage years, my parents were ministers, which basically meant I lived like a military kid. I had to move every couple years. I didn?t really live anywhere long enough to develop close friends or that kind of bonding. Needless to say, I wasn't really a ladies man. I was nervous, awkward and about as insecure and a young kid with an erection could be.

I didn?t really have a male role model. My parents divorced when I was in fifth grade, and I lived with my mother and two sisters. The marriage had been so bad and so volatile, that I honestly think my mom hated men for a while. I don?t think she hated me, she never acted like that, but I can't help but wonder if some of those spoiled opinions spilled over into her parenting somehow. Maybe not. Like I said, I never noticed it if it did.

I only mentioned that to explain that I was never very good socially. I had friends, but like me, they weren't very good socially either. They were always outcasts, loners. And what's a loner to do to get a little loving? All he has to do is put his hand in his pocket and hope he has another pair of undies, because the pair he has on is about to get ruined. Oh yeah!

Needless to say, all that happened some time ago before the internet became what it is today. When I discovered Playboy, I voraciously got every copy I could find. And I used them over and over. I found a used bookstore that would sell me old copies and I basically bought them out.

I also rented movies and watched them.  I did it VCR-style! How many young kids can say that these days?

I think I probably masturbated maybe three times a day. I remember masturbating so much, I had rubbed sores on my shaft. And I kept on going. I simply couldn't stop. It wasn't just a release for me. It was an escape. 

That last part, I know now as I write this, is the first step into an addiction.

That's enough for now. I'll continue more later.
 
46 as well and I feel you pain...I also started with VHS.  I have been at this sadly for about 15 years and finally getting a hold on it.  One day is coming when I win.  Hang in there Captain.
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Hazzah, Captain!

I know you're going through some challenges with this right now, but I really admire your sense of humor and the creation of Captain Crotch Noodle as an iconic metaphor for your journey.

When you think about how we all got here, the concept of "hero" isn't one that readily races to mind, but I truly believe - and constantly remind myself - that the ability to acknowledge an addiction, to actively work to manage it, and to change your life for the better is heroic.  So many people don't ever admit or face their addictions, and so many who are living without addiction will never know what that burden feels like.  Those of us who carry the burden, but are taking steps to eliminate the behaviors from our lives are really heroes.

Heroes because we could easily take the path of least resistance.  Heroes because we are staring down a beast that has kept us under its spell for years.  Heroes because we are willing to sacrifice something we've relied upon for comfort, security, and pleasure for years in order to become better people for ourselves and others.  Heroes because we choose to finally live in the real world instead of escapist fantasies.

We may not be pulling people out of burning buildings, but in a way, we're pulling ourselves (and sometimes our families, our careers, our loved ones)  out of a metaphoric burning building, so "hero" works for me. 

As for flatlining, it's a stage and part of the process.  Trust it and don't get hung up in "testing your equipment" all the time.  I always panicked and had to check.  Batman knows his utility belt is there, so trust thyself, Dark Knight.  ;-)

Good luck and keep coming back to share your story.  I know we'll all do our best to offer support.  And drop in on some other threads as well to lend your own insight to others.  That's a powerful way to make connections and feel like you're on this journey with other super heroes.  We're sort of The Justice League of NoFap.  ;-)
 

Poker

Active Member
You're here now.  check in often and update us.  You're on the right road and all this is fixable.  You decide how you want to live your life, and then you decide what you need to do to get there.

Good luck in your journey my friend.  Porn is not an option!

Cheers,

p.
 

KidQuick

Member
I?ve decided to drop the Captain Crotch Noodle story. I wrote a few more episodes that contained versions of my earlier experiences with women and had a few plans for other adventures. Charisma Carpenter was going to be his kryptonite. Here's a shout out to Dharmabum for carrying the metaphor further than I had thought. Nicely done, sir!!

Captain Crotch Noodle served his purpose. He gave me something to think about when I would have been thinking about some sort of fantasy. He also made it a little easier to talk about things that happened to me in the past that would explain how I got to be where I am. But that?s the thing, he made it a little easier to talk about the past.

I?ve noticed reading the journals that not many people talk about the past in much detail. They talk about the present and focus on the future. It occurs to me that is a better way to approach this. Not to dwell in the past. I may change my mind tomorrow and go back to the tales of Captain Crotch Noodle but today is today.

I have to admit writing about my experiences in the past was somewhat helpful. I realized that masturbation was very much an escape for me even in the beginning. As obvious as it may seem to others, that was a new one for me. I thought I did it because I had a hard-on and really didn?t think beyond that.

Writing about the past also made me wonder when this all really started. I used to think it started with the first girl I ?slept with.? I use that term loosely because she literally laid there much like a piece of wood while I myself couldn?t get my wood going. After giving up and falling asleep, her first words to me in the morning, in fact the only words I remember her speaking to me during that time was ?Are you gay?? I had thought that might have been the origin point for me.

But now, I can?t help but wonder if it was earlier. There was an earlier girl. It was, to me anyway, a very physical relationship, but we were not actually physical. We talked a lot on the phone. And I fantasized so much about her. When I finally got my chance, and it was very small window of opportunity, I froze. I completely froze in the face of all my fantasies up until that point. And she walked away. I had thought for the longest time that I had froze just out of fear, but maybe, maybe it was more. Maybe I knew somewhere deep down that I would not be able to perform. Though I was incredibly attracted to her, I wouldn?t be surprised if I had ended up with a limp crotch noodle. So when did my problems start? Did it start even before then? I honestly have no idea. I just know I have been fighting this for much much longer than I had ever wanted to admit. Until now. And even now, I have a little trouble doing so.

Because?

If I have never been able to be with a woman in that way, maybe there is more wrong with me than an addiction to internet porn. Maybe this attempt I am making is only an attempt, like so many other things I have tried, and will only end up the same way. Maybe I am broken beyond repair.

Which leaves me wondering, does this abstinence always work? I realize it probably can?t cure every kind of ED, but for those who have no trouble getting aroused to porn and yet have every problem doing the same with a real live actual woman, does it always work? I know that everyone is different, and the times to recovery will vary, but does it always work?

And I find that although that is a very scary thought to me, it is the thoughts it leads to that scare me the most, thoughts about how long my marriage will last.

That said, I?m not giving up. I don?t have another option to try right now. This is it. I could give a shit about me, but my wife, she is definitely worth anything I have to do to fix this and to be for her the kind of man she deserves.
 

hellexfire

Member
Never give up.
You are not broken beyond repair.
You are loveable
and fuckable
and good and gentle and exactly essential to the situation.

You are not broken beyond repair.
You are not broken beyond repair.

Say it.
Every day, every day in the mirror three times.
LOUDLY.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR.

x
 

thimbuk2

Member
You have good insight. The porn history does nothing for us long term. It's there to remind us of where we don't want to be. It helps all of us to relate to one another. There is the key. "We, Us, Our" We become unified and offer light to one another when we have our darkest moments. The solution is what we should focus on, which is the present. This is what we do. We offer our hope for the suffering, so they too can believe they can beat this. We only have each other in this. I can't talk to the outside about my problem with porn addiction. I need you guys to help me get through my frustrations and those moments when I feel like saying 'the hell with this' because shit isn't going so good that day. The past is relevant for a little while, but we ought to remain in the present. The future....it isn't here yet. I get it! It's hard not to think about it. "Will my willy work tomorrow night with my gf when we are set to have sex?" Who the hell knows! Full disclosure: I am most guilty of this!! We should live in the moment, and we have to give ourselves the time needed to recover from this addiction. Again, I am guilty of wanting what I want, when I want it. I think we are all guilty of this on some level. We are men who feel like we have lost our manhood to some degree and are desperately hoping to capture it back. Keep posting brother!
 
Greetings ex-captain

I too am 46 and have been married for nearly 20 years. We have a teenage son together that I consider to be a miracle, due to the fact I was able to have sex and actually orgasim with anything besides my hand. Looking back I think was the only time I finished with her to this day.
Anyway I suffer from pied and have been an addict for some 35 years. My addiction has almost cost me my marriage due to the fact I cheated on my wife with one of her friends. What really was messed up was that her friend knew I had a porn addiction and always wore revealing clothes. I have completed a celebrate recovery 12 step program with what I thought was good success. The problem was that I found god and kicked the cheating habit but porn and masturbation stayed. I'm now going on Week 3 of no porn or matsurbation and nearing my personal best of 1 month being sober.
You can do this. Your in the right place. Look at all the resources on this site. They help.
Please keep posting and stay the course brother.
 

Poker

Active Member
Ok...  To start with, I've been hanging out with my neighbor, and I am hammered...  So if I am too blunt, I apologize.

Number one...  You admit you watch too much porn... Yes or no?

In most case this is very fixable.  There us a lot drama in your stories... But there is in mine too. I'm not concerned with that. 

Here's the thing... Porn induced ED is common, and fixable.  It really is that simple. 

My personal plan is too take a year to fix me.  I'm 44, my wife left me, and I need help.  I will take the time to fix a big problem.  Everything else in my life is drama at this point. 

You can do this.  This is fixable.  Watch the vidoe's at YBOP.  At least twice a week.  The science and re-affirmation is huge.

You are more than what you have become...  Re-read that.  That statement is fucking huge.  You are more than what you have become.  It's from The Lion King...  Mufasa tells that to Simba when he ran away from life. 
You can beat this.  You didn't know that porn would affect you... And you did your thing.  Now you know better, and you know how to reverse it.  NO EXCUSES.  Fix this shit...  You deserve it!!!  Yes, you deserve it!


Cheers,

p.
 
I

ianmac

Guest
KQ,

Rebooting works!  Evidence is mounting and abounding that our brains DO repair themselves when we stop our addictive behavior.  The circuits that were rewired that result in PIED, etc., will repair themselves.  It just takes time.  Your 13 days is a great start.  No idea just how long your reboot will take, but it will happen if you stay away from P and M.  One day at a time, and YOU will get there.

Stay strong and NEVER GIVE UP.
IM
 

KidQuick

Member
Day 14 and counting.

I've noticed that time-wise, since I have started using a habit tracker (Habit Streak Pro), the movement from one day to the next seems to take longer. Before this last time, I went thirty days without masturbating and I did so without this sort of God, It's only been that long? sort of feeling. That was probably due to my not really being focused on time. Then again, I can't help but wonder if maybe the time I thought I had fought my addiction may not have been as long as I thought. It's funny how the mind can sometimes play games like that. What's interesting, to me anyway, is that now that I am using a habit tracker, the days actually have more significance to me, they actually have the the weight of success attached to each one. And that is one of the things that keeps me going. 

Reading these journals, seeing the stories of others, help keep me motivated too. It's a very comforting thing to know that I am not alone in this.

I've noticed that my genitals keep, for lack of a better word, humming. They provide just enough sensation to call attention to them, almost like they are trying to whisper for some relief. Nothing really loud. Nothing really strong. Just a constant soft nagging need for some sort of attention. I have resisted. It's actually kind of strange and almost funny in a weird way. It is particularly weird when I think how limp and flacid I am now. Maybe that whisper is the last dying gasp of the dopamine factory in my brain. Yeah, that's a good way to think about it. Die on, little addiction, die on and let me live in peace.

Anyway, today, I just wanted to say thanks for the support. It has been so easy to beat myself up over this, to feel less than a man. I've been that way for some time now, beating myself up for any number of failures big and small. I used to think it was just my personality. After all, some people are just wired that way. I thought I was one of them. But after reading so many of the stories here, I wonder if maybe that wasn't who I am, but who my addiction wanted me to think I was. The more I beat myself up the more I beat my meat.

Today is different though. Today, I'm saying Fuck That! I may be less of a man today, but I'm more of a man than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I'll even be more of one. After all, even a man has to start out with baby steps.

 
kid,

The humming or "calling your attention" is all to familiar.  i am no expert, but I know this...I have seen a lot of what I have read.  It comes down to how many breakdowns does it take for you to finally get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  It sounds to me that you are more  aware than most and that awareness is going to help you.  It's almost as if your ahead of the game by even noticing the humming.  Please continue to so your best and we will be here for support.

Your stronger than you think and you are not alone.

Best,
Sec
 

KidQuick

Member
19 days and still fighting the good fight.

I haven't reported anything in a while because my mother was having heart surgery, and I needed to tend to that. That's said, there really hasn't been much to report. Just more of the same.

There were a couple things I did want to note.

It amazes me how much I think about masturbating. I don't really feel the urge, so to speak, I just think about it endlessly. And it is a constant battle to simply not do anything just to shut my mind up (Not that it would). There are two things that I think about whenever I get tempted too much 1) I remember the last two times I gave in, and each time, quite frankly I wondered why the hell I did it afterwards. I have long been past the enjoyment of masturbation. It is an escape at best, and a very unsatisfying one at that. 2) My wife. I simply refuse to fail her. And the thought of telling her I failed is a hard thought for me to swallow. 

I had blue balls for most of a day, I think about three days ago. At least, I think it was blue balls. Since I have masturbated so much, I am not really sure I know what it feels like. Basically, my testicles were very sore. And it lasted most of the day. I had thought I was progressing to another stage, but alas, I did not. At least, my genitals aren't really humming anymore. They are just there, hanging out.

And yet, I still think about masturbating constantly. It is very strange.

I told my wife what I was doing 19 days ago. I'm not sure if she really understood. It was painful for both of us. She still thought I wasn't attracted to her, and that was why I had always had trouble. She cried. I don't blame her. I listened. I didn't argue. I did tell her that I was most definitely attracted to her and that that wasn't the problem. And I told her about the YourBrainOnPorn site. I'm not sure if she looked at it though. I ended the conversation with simply telling her that I was going to prove her wrong. And I told her that if this didn't work, I would find something else. I told her that she deserved more. And I meant every word of it. And I still do.

In moments of weakness, she is the one I think about. I think about her crying over a misunderstanding, her thinking I wasn't attracted to her. I can't blame her for feeling that way. I figure, in some ways, it's like her smoking. I can't understand that addiction, but I know it's there, and it's a powerful beast to overcome. And if I can't understand that, how can I expect her to understand this?

She asked me today, this morning if I had looked at any porn. It was the first time she had mentioned it since I told her. Typically, in the past I had been very evasive over that question. Today, I simply said no, that I hadn't. She asked me if I had masturbated. Again, I said no. She seemed honestly surprised. She asked if I had had any morning wood. She said, before, I would have at least had that. I told her no. It was part of the process that I had to work through.

I know there has been some debate on different threads about telling our wives, and I get the two sides and that everyone is different and every marriage is different. But folks, looking back now at this morning, I feel so damn proud and relieved and a few other good things I can't really find the words for. I feel that way because I didn't have to lie or hide from her. I feel that way because she knew I knew there was a problem and I was working damn hard at fixing it.

She is my strength and she is my weakness. I know I should be doing this for myself, but honestly, I do this all for her.

That said, for those of you who are married and working through this, how do you handle sex? My wife hasn't been asking for it, but I still wonder. Do you try to go the entire 60 - 90 days without any sex at all? At what point, do you start? Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.
 
I

ianmac

Guest
Hey KidQuick,

Your story about your wife is moving.  That you want her to be at least a vital part of the reason you're giving up PMO is great motivation.  I'm touched that you see the harm PMO has caused her and that you see it hurts her to think she was the problem.  Don't feel bad that she's your reason.  It is a powerful reason for you to continue to not engage your thoughts about masturbation.

In reality, it IS motivation for YOU to get better, after all, because you must get better in order to help her. 

There are two reasons I'm glad you see that you've already made it 19 days.

#1 is I know that going through this process day by day will help you reboot.  At some point during or after your reboot, sex with your wife will get better.

#2 is that seeing your success one day at a time helps ALL OF US who are struggling to believe that we can succeed too, one day at a time.

Keep it going.

Ian
 

KidQuick

Member
Day 20 and counting.

Much like day 19, there isn't really much to report. I'm still PMO free which is a good thing. The battle wages on!!

I get why people doing this try to find things to do to fill the void. They are not just trying to find something to distract them from the urges pulling at their thoughts and hands, but they are trying to find something to fill the gaping empty spaces of time that was originally spent perusing porn. The battle cry of the porn horn is, for me right now, a huge gaping yawn of a sigh. Part of me feels like I have this phase beat. I have overcome adversity in the face of a few nagging thoughts.  I feel like it is time to bring on the next phase! Give me those huge painful boners I have heard some speak in the later stages of this battle. Bring them on, because when I conquer those and the physical cravings that come them, I'll feel triumphant again!  Now, I just feel impatient.

But then, or now as I write this, I realize that that impatience may just be a product of my addiction. There was a time in my life when I was younger that I used to savor so much. As silly as it seems, I remember when I was in college, being amazed at walking. Just that simple function in our human bodies that many take for granted. It really is a very complicated process, from the mind communicating with the muscles throughout our bodies, to so many muscles working together to propel us forward and keeping our balance. For two days, I felt somewhat mesmerized by the fact that I could walk and the motion of my body and it all happened with so little conscious thought on my part. I used to somehow notice and experience life. And then I grew into this thing that lived only to seek out pretty naked ladies on the internet. I say "thing" because I am not sure how human I was at that point. (Note the past tense there. If I may pat myself on the back, I know I have a long way to go, but I no longer feel like this "thing" I once was.)

With all that in mind, perhaps I should stop focusing on beating this and start focusing on what I have been missing. Every little thing, every little sensation, every little experience. And instead of resisting the newness of any of it (which is my sort of knee jerk reaction to anything new), I should try to embrace it. Some of it may not be good. But some of it will. And some of it will be simply amazing. And there is only one way to find out.

Just a thought for Day 20.
 

KidQuick

Member
Day 21. Three weeks and counting! (I think I'm going to start using and exclamation point here. It's exclamation worthy, I think. A period just seems to fall flat.)

I don't know if this means anything, but I woke up this morning feeling different. Morning is usually somewhat of a struggle for me. I don't know if it's the dreams I've had during the night that I can't remember or if it's just a fresh day to fuck up, but the mornings are when my thoughts often turn to fantasies. I have fought them off the past three weeks and more, but the mornings are my trigger. Maybe it's because I am just alone. My wife has to get up and go to work before I do. This morning was different though. I don't know if it really means anything, but this morning, I had an incredible yearning to be inside my wife, for real human sexual interaction. Frustratingly, my body still wasn't interested though, even if my mind was.

I admit, I even tried a little fondling of my own self, not fantasizing, keeping my mind blank. I have read that others do that and being able to get off that way is somewhat of a good sign. At least, I think I read that in a journal or two here. Anyway, I am not that far along and thus my crotch noodle remained limp and noodley.

Sigh. Onto Day 22 and beyond!!

In attempt to notice little things in my life, I've begun to actually pay attention to the words of songs when I am driving. It's funny to think I knew the words to songs before, I could sing along and everything, and yet I really had no clue what they were or what they meant.

With that in mind, my theme song for today and maybe other days is I Wanna Get Better by The Bleachers. There are parts of it that actually sound like it might be about porn addiction...

I go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling
Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling
Of an eighteen year old who didn't know what loss was

Now I'm a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself,

Hey, I wanna get better!

 

KidQuick

Member
23 Days.

I had a rough day yesterday. Looking back, I guess it was the type of turmoil that precedes an epiphany, but I didn't like it.

I, like I usually do, was trolling the Forums for inspiration and motivation, and I came upon this entry...

Koedam said:
I had ED (not able to get a strong erection), but it wasn't PMO related.

It turned out that I had a sleeping disorder (sleep apnea). It messes with your hormones and also with your testosterone-level.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-michael-j-breus/testosterone-sleep-sexual-health_b_981121.html

After I was cured for my sleep apnea (which is nearly always possible), I got strong erections very soon.
So check out if you are having a sleep disorder and if that doesnt work, ask a doctor to test your testosterone-level, if you don't have apnea.

It hit me hard, because I have severe apnea. I had taken a sleep test way back in 2006 and was issued a CPAP machine. I tried it for a couple days, decided I just didn't like it, and stopped using it. I had no idea, that my apnea could be related to my ED issues. None.

This sent me into a sort of tailspin of emotions for some reason. I've been trying to focus on the positive and not dwell too much on the negative and even at times, try to make the negatives seem somewhat humorous in an attempt to make them more bearable. I figure, you can't avoid them, so why let them make you suffer?

But this apnea, I don't know.

At first, I felt like an idiot. I felt like I had humiliated myself in front of my wife, telling her the problem was a porn addiction, when in fact, it may have been something else. But that wasn't it. If I can't humiliate myself in front of my wife, why the hell am I married?

Then I felt like my body was just laughing at me. Kind of like it was saying, "Ha Ha, sucker. You thought it was one thing but guess what, you're wrong. And who knows, it might not even be apnea. I have other tricks up my sleeve. So many tricks." But that wasn't really it. I knew I would keep trying and keep looking and keep trying until I found a solution that worked.

Then I felt like I had wasted so many years. I had pissed away so many years, when I had the solution. I had it. I still had it. I kept it all those years, gathering dust in my closet. But that wasn't it either. Not really.

And then I realized what was really going on. It made me feel like the one thing I am terrified of doing. It made me feel like a complete and utter failure. And that made me hurt and desperate and weak and so damn angry at myself. 

I mean, what if that is the problem? What if it isn't the internet porn? Here I am suffering and struggling and fighting these fucking urges, and what if it was all for naught?

But then I realized, I am not doing this for myself. I am doing it for her. And just her knowing that I am doing everything I can to find a solution, just her knowing that she is not alone is those aching unfullfilled urges, and knowing that maybe, maybe there will be an end. Yeah, fuck porn!

I dragged out my CPAP machine. It still worked! And I wore it last night. And I am going to wear it again. I will fight a two front battle. Sure, why not? I'm still not persuaded that porn isn't part of the problem.

Funny thing happened last night. I had my first sex dream in I don't know how long. I wasn't a wet dream, but it was a sex dream. Oddly enough, my wife was sending me naked pictures of a friend of ours (in the dream) who looked a lot like her. Which opens the question, is looking at porn on the computer in a dream the same as looking at porn on the computer in real life? Do I have to leave that check box empty for yesterday in my habit tracker? I don't think so, but thought I would ask.

Something else happened today. I feel better than I ever had before. I'm usually weighted down and tired. Today, I'm like bring it on!!

I'm actually excited now. I feel honestly excited. Since the first time I started this, I honesty feel like I am moving somewhere. I actually want to go to sleep early just to move the process forward.

That said, I'm still scared. With all this excitement, I'm still scared of being with my wife too early and failing her. I want so bad to let that fear go. I know it's stupid. I know it hurts more than helps. I just... I just don't want to let her down.

 

Phase2

Well-Known Member
Dude you are in a war and you are a proud soldier! Of course its not going to be easy. You are fighting a hell of a fight. Way to go man. Keep it up--you are on track.

Dreaming of computer sex is NOT the same as actually looking at a computer and porn. It shows your mind is on the defensive, seeking it's drug. But it's not getting it. Change is on the way. It is a good sign.

Keep talking to your wife. I'm sure she'll be proud of you. Wear the sleep apnea machine and don't look at porn. You will beat this.
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
This sounds SO familiar.

In early 2008, I humbly went to the doctor for ED meds and came away with a prescription and a recommendation for a sleep test.  Tested and was found to have sleep apnea, which my wife suspected based on my snoring/breathing.

I got a machine.  HATED It.  Felt like I was suffocating, never wore the mask through the night - usually pulled it off after 3 hours or so.  But at least I wore it.

Since then, I got my head in a better place and stopped using the ED drugs (they were to help me overcome fear of not performing, not actual physical issues). 

Here I am seven years later, almost to the day.  Seeking sexual sobriety again (stopping PMO) and with a new sleep apnea mask by my bed that I still hate, but at least it's worth a shot.  Why?  Because this is my new life:  sober, sane, and doing everything I can to live healthily.  That means eating right, doing yoga, trying to walk/run a few times a week, getting good sleep, having sex with my wife instead of living out my kinks on the computer. 

There's a spiritual saying that every time you take a step toward God (whatever your manifestation of God may be), God takes two steps toward you.  I'm still working to define my idea of that higher power, but I will say, every step you take toward living better, it meets you.  It steps toward you.  You get a little better sleep.  You think more clearly.  You make better decisions.

Better sleep aside, you are feeling better because you're coming out of the fog.  The fog of delusion all of us put ourselves in to sustain this addiction.  The lies we tell ourselves about how we're doing in the midst of the messiness is far more damaging than even the lies we tell those we love.  Once we stop deluding ourselves, we're able to be honest, to live honestly, to live openly without hiding, and to feel proud of who we are, despite our pasts. 

Keep going.  There will be days that push your buttons, but beneath that, you can feel assured that you're a rock star for living the kind of life you can be proud of.  that's a lot of fuel in the tank, my friend. 
 
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