Porn addict for more than 18 years, 39 y married - starting today

39 years old. married with 3 children and my oldest is 13 years
I kept my addiction secret for  at least 18 years.
I did not tell my wife but  i'm sure that she knows about it
the longest time i was free was 1 month in 2011
my addiction to porn is terrible and i can not stayed off porn for 3 days at maximum
Today is a new start and i'm ready for what ever it takes to heal

I need your support & help

God bless you all

DAY 1

Feeling pain, Guilt
How much time i spent away from my wife and children

Day 2
It is 8:30 pm in my place
busy day work, Gym, Family
So far so good

Prepare for pain. You will be very uncomfortable and will probably need a lot of help and support. I don't know how I would have gotten this far without my wife's support and love.

I would strongly urge you to go to your wife and disclose your addiction! Trust me it's soul crushing to see the pain in your wife's face but my thought is if you want this to work and want to save your marriage you need to build your recovery on a foundation of truth.

It won't be easy....go read my story I'm not a super expert but by the small amount you have shared our stories line up quite closely. But if you're going to do this and stick to it you really have to be prepared as best as possible!

My anxiety was through the roof I mean I really felt I was going crazy once you start to go through dopamine withdrawals! You are going to have a real hard time hiding any of this from your wife and that's not really fair to her either.

At any rate those are just my thoughts. I'm really happy to see you here and that you're ready to take control of what's been ruining your life for so long! Stay strong and stay away from triggers. really be honest with anything that drags you back to your addiction.

Hello,
Really try to read and learn from other people's posts; code just a couple of members that you relate to and most imprisonment inspire you. Doubt obsesse but do pick our busy a few things (initially) to learn from.

The most important thing is to commit 100%. You choose what you are committing to. But a word of advice, if I may : is not all about abstaining from porn. Its also about building your life to how you want it to be. Cliche but do be patient with yourself as this isn't an overnight job.

Stay connected. To yourself and to others. Best wishes

I appreciated your valuable comments
For sure i will go and read the other story especially yours
talking about pain i'm already in pain, emotional pain
The problem is that confronting my wife is not an option as it may ruin my marriage, She is religious Muslim and such sin in not a forgivable
I will look for clinical psychologist to consult online and to keep him as an accountable person to disclose to
I came here to share my story and looking for support as i can not tell any body in my life.
I appreciate your time in writing your messages and i found it very helpful
God bless all
Regards

Day 3
Not a good day
I felt the urges, i felt irritable today
Thanks god i was busy
still holding

Try thinking ahead to how you'd  feel if you gave in to this urge! Don't focus on these urges push them out of your mind as quickly and fiercely as you can. Being irritable at this stage is very normal I think. Try to embrace that. And know that it's just your brain trying to make you feel bad so that you go back for that dopamine hit.

That's good right? I mean if you're feeling this way then you're on your way to Healing your brain and fixing something in your life that only you can. You should learn as much as you can about this addiction if you haven't already. Your brain making you feel irritable is just the first trick.

From me knowing what was possible helped me be more successful when any sort of feelings came up.

Just get through today

I would also mention replacement, especially in the beginning is something to consider. Yes you want to give up porn but with that freed up energy and time what do you want to do? Something you look forward to. If you spent 5 hrs a week (that was about what my hubby would spend sometimes more) on porn then that is 5 hrs a week that you can do something else. He started spending more time with our kids. Reading to them and engaging with his family. Then when you feel tempted remind yourself yes you have a desire for porn but you are choose something better, more constructive, and that can help shift your thoughts. Rather than focus on what you can't have, think about the life you want to have. Porn is all about shame, hiding, lies, objectification. Think about becoming the person you want to be. Think about the role model you want your kids to have. Make a real list and carry it around with you. It starts to become real then. When a temptation or urge comes up you can look and see the real choice in front of you.
Keep up the good work. I am a partner of a porn addict and I can tell you that I am so glad my husband gave it up. But I am also so thankful of the honesty we have now too. If you do decided to tell her I would encourage you to show her the partners forum for support. The beginning isn't easy but it is worth it to have real honesty and integrity in a marriage. Assuming she knows and actually communicating are two very different things. Having to be accountable to more than just yourself in your reboot will make the temptation of porn less tempting to know that it is not just impacting you but your wife as well. I am not trying to be hurtful or anything, just stating my experience. Take it or leave it. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your wife!