anonguy031
Member
This is my first post - a bit about myself, where I'm at, how I got here and what my goals and plans are going forward. Out of respect for others as well as myself, most of my posts will go out of their way to avoid any triggers and if they are needed, will be specifically warned and indicated.
This will be one exception, so readers, please know that this posting will contain triggers, and they won't be specifically indicated.
I appreciate in advance anyone who reads this or who has contributed to YBOP. I have found what I've read in the last two days to be helpful beyond measure - I'm not alone, others have been exactly where I am and have recovered. I'm not a sick freak, I'm not a worthless man - I have addiction that I can and WILL overcome. A sincere thank you to all of you.
I'm a professional in my early 30s - well educated, successful in my chosen career. I'm married to the love of my life, who doesn't have much of a clue about this issue.
I started MO when I was about 12 - I remember thinking I had somehow injured myself when I had my first climax. My parents weren't poster children for great parenting, and they were splitting up about then. Sex is something you didn't discuss beyond not getting a girl pregnant.
I was bullied severely during primary and junior high school, ending up on heavy doses of anti-depressants to get through the day. Most of the ridicule was centered around calling me gay, or the much more derogatory forms thereof.
I saw my first porn when I was about that same age - bad printed stuff. I had no idea what those parts of a woman were.
By high school I was in a much better place, but had started fapping about once a day at that time. High speed internet was just coming around, so the only real exposure I had to porn was on the adult channels we got "on the side" late at night. Even then, I didn't take much interest.
In college though, things changed. I had my own PC and access to high speed internet, along with a roommate that was rarely around. At that time I was also trying to figure out if I was gay, straight or someplace in the middle - I'd dated women and found them attractive, but I also found guys attractive too starting in high school.
That was the beginning of the rationalizations. I was clearly using PMO to "explore my sexuality" and "help define my sexual orientation". I started as many do with vanilla hetero porn, but I also used vanilla gay porn as well on my "journey of self discovery".
I spent time studying abroad which was terrible for this addiction - I had unfettered access to porn shops in cities where I knew no one, and a lot of free time on my hands. This is when the turn to femdom porn as well as gay maledom porn started to increase. CBT worked its way in, as well as electro, but I figured this was all just new, exciting stuff.
I was a virgin until my senior year, when I met my now wife. Our sex life was pretty hot, and I didn't have any performance issues, accept for periods of DE, which I attributed to SSRIs I was taking and that we had to use condoms. Never dawned on my I was still managing to get off when I PMO'd. I once left up a phone sex website and my wife, who wanted to surprise me with a sexy new outfit, found a blond woman in a corset staring back at her declaring that she would "treat me like the sissy bitch I was". I somehow talked my way out of that and back into my girl's pants. How I'll never know.
Once we were married and until last Sunday, things have gradually gotten more extreme. Sissy, forced fem, CBT, along with super rough, gagging, slapping, choking porn. I have been late for work, missed meetings, calls, found myself wishing my wife would just get the hell out of the house so I could PMO. I surfed in the bathroom at work, in the car in traffic.
I would look at every person who walked by or passed me in traffic to see if they were "hot", easy since I was looking at both sides of the fence. I've nearly gotten in accidents doing this - all for that little rush - that push. Everyone became an object for my lust to be thrust upon without them even knowing it.
I talked my wife into letting me degrade her in bed, spank her, yank her hair, buy a latex dress and a corset. I got off on degrading the person I love more than anything in the world. The shame was continuing to build.
Then on Sunday, it happened. I couldn't finish while with my wife, again, so I faked it, and she bought it. We've always prided ourselves on being the couple that communicates in bed, and she's never faked one unless I've asked her to (there's that PMO brain training again - my woman needs to scream like a banshee for me to get off). The quality of my erection, which used to get hammer hard of she even touched my arm, was about 70% of what it should have been in any case.
That was the moment I realized I was out of control, and came upon YBOP. I committed again (this is attempt number 4) to reboot, giving up PMO and P altogether, as well as eliminating as much of my old objectifying behavior as I can.
This posting comes at the 48 hour mark - two days. No real withdrawal symptoms yet, other than having the explicit, disgusting scenes I've watched over the last decade pop into my head anytime they want for no real reason - so far, I can just shake them away. When I'm tempted to check someone out besides my wife, I immediately shift my gaze to the sky.
I plan to do a 90 - 180 day reboot, and while it will include sex with my wife, that sex won't have any of the degrading behavior I used to resort to involved anymore, and I will hold myself responsible for being totally present - not fantasizing about some porn scene while I'm with her. I already told her I'm not worried about climaxing when we have sex - just restarted SSRIs, so that gives me a good "excuse". She's cool with it.
I've gotten back in the gym to relieve the stress and hopefully some of the symptoms (a gym with very few people I find attractive, PMO or not, so I shouldn't have triggers to deal with there). I've got a list of things I need to work on instead of PMOingm and if it's really bad, I will find a place to blast my recovery theme song - "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hopefully the first of 180 postings.
All the best to all of you.
This will be one exception, so readers, please know that this posting will contain triggers, and they won't be specifically indicated.
I appreciate in advance anyone who reads this or who has contributed to YBOP. I have found what I've read in the last two days to be helpful beyond measure - I'm not alone, others have been exactly where I am and have recovered. I'm not a sick freak, I'm not a worthless man - I have addiction that I can and WILL overcome. A sincere thank you to all of you.
I'm a professional in my early 30s - well educated, successful in my chosen career. I'm married to the love of my life, who doesn't have much of a clue about this issue.
I started MO when I was about 12 - I remember thinking I had somehow injured myself when I had my first climax. My parents weren't poster children for great parenting, and they were splitting up about then. Sex is something you didn't discuss beyond not getting a girl pregnant.
I was bullied severely during primary and junior high school, ending up on heavy doses of anti-depressants to get through the day. Most of the ridicule was centered around calling me gay, or the much more derogatory forms thereof.
I saw my first porn when I was about that same age - bad printed stuff. I had no idea what those parts of a woman were.
By high school I was in a much better place, but had started fapping about once a day at that time. High speed internet was just coming around, so the only real exposure I had to porn was on the adult channels we got "on the side" late at night. Even then, I didn't take much interest.
In college though, things changed. I had my own PC and access to high speed internet, along with a roommate that was rarely around. At that time I was also trying to figure out if I was gay, straight or someplace in the middle - I'd dated women and found them attractive, but I also found guys attractive too starting in high school.
That was the beginning of the rationalizations. I was clearly using PMO to "explore my sexuality" and "help define my sexual orientation". I started as many do with vanilla hetero porn, but I also used vanilla gay porn as well on my "journey of self discovery".
I spent time studying abroad which was terrible for this addiction - I had unfettered access to porn shops in cities where I knew no one, and a lot of free time on my hands. This is when the turn to femdom porn as well as gay maledom porn started to increase. CBT worked its way in, as well as electro, but I figured this was all just new, exciting stuff.
I was a virgin until my senior year, when I met my now wife. Our sex life was pretty hot, and I didn't have any performance issues, accept for periods of DE, which I attributed to SSRIs I was taking and that we had to use condoms. Never dawned on my I was still managing to get off when I PMO'd. I once left up a phone sex website and my wife, who wanted to surprise me with a sexy new outfit, found a blond woman in a corset staring back at her declaring that she would "treat me like the sissy bitch I was". I somehow talked my way out of that and back into my girl's pants. How I'll never know.
Once we were married and until last Sunday, things have gradually gotten more extreme. Sissy, forced fem, CBT, along with super rough, gagging, slapping, choking porn. I have been late for work, missed meetings, calls, found myself wishing my wife would just get the hell out of the house so I could PMO. I surfed in the bathroom at work, in the car in traffic.
I would look at every person who walked by or passed me in traffic to see if they were "hot", easy since I was looking at both sides of the fence. I've nearly gotten in accidents doing this - all for that little rush - that push. Everyone became an object for my lust to be thrust upon without them even knowing it.
I talked my wife into letting me degrade her in bed, spank her, yank her hair, buy a latex dress and a corset. I got off on degrading the person I love more than anything in the world. The shame was continuing to build.
Then on Sunday, it happened. I couldn't finish while with my wife, again, so I faked it, and she bought it. We've always prided ourselves on being the couple that communicates in bed, and she's never faked one unless I've asked her to (there's that PMO brain training again - my woman needs to scream like a banshee for me to get off). The quality of my erection, which used to get hammer hard of she even touched my arm, was about 70% of what it should have been in any case.
That was the moment I realized I was out of control, and came upon YBOP. I committed again (this is attempt number 4) to reboot, giving up PMO and P altogether, as well as eliminating as much of my old objectifying behavior as I can.
This posting comes at the 48 hour mark - two days. No real withdrawal symptoms yet, other than having the explicit, disgusting scenes I've watched over the last decade pop into my head anytime they want for no real reason - so far, I can just shake them away. When I'm tempted to check someone out besides my wife, I immediately shift my gaze to the sky.
I plan to do a 90 - 180 day reboot, and while it will include sex with my wife, that sex won't have any of the degrading behavior I used to resort to involved anymore, and I will hold myself responsible for being totally present - not fantasizing about some porn scene while I'm with her. I already told her I'm not worried about climaxing when we have sex - just restarted SSRIs, so that gives me a good "excuse". She's cool with it.
I've gotten back in the gym to relieve the stress and hopefully some of the symptoms (a gym with very few people I find attractive, PMO or not, so I shouldn't have triggers to deal with there). I've got a list of things I need to work on instead of PMOingm and if it's really bad, I will find a place to blast my recovery theme song - "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hopefully the first of 180 postings.
All the best to all of you.