My Goal: Seeing one year through without giving in

Greetings to all

First, let me introduce myself:
I'm guy, 27 years old, who's been using porn now for about 10 years, with last three years getting more and more hooked, desperate and hopeless. This journal will be about how I'm trying to build better version of myself, which won't be so scared to face the future. This journal won't be just about how I'm coping with porn cravings alone, but it will feature also other things, which affect my mood (both in good and bad way) as I see it all linked together. I believe that trying to eradicate "porn problem" only is not going to work: as porn will be leaving my life, it will leave some empty space behind which needs to be filled up by something. Otherwise I could find myself still fragile, vulnerable, which could lead to that empty space being filled with another addiction, or, more likely, porn again.

This journal could be also bit more "chatty", as writing alone serves me as a therapy of a kind. Also, my native language is Czech so if you find some mistakes or anything, that catch your eye (by looking weird I mean), I'll be happy if you let me know. That way you'll help me to work on my mistakes.

Also, as I'm trying to become more communicative, if you would like to talk about anything (in English or Czech - your choice), just let me know also, and we can discuss things (through PM, mail, or even Skype).

Thanks for reading this, my next post, containing my "porn history", motivation, goals (and plans how to reach them) is coming soon...
Stay strong and Keep on trying

Welcome Lerouk,

Really looking forward to your story. I believe you are right. For some people Porn isn't the only problem they face. Their mental health can be troubled by a lot of things and it is important to recognise this and fix it. You are also right in that if you just give up PMO but do not change other influencing factors in your life then eventually you will slip back in your old habbits.

I will be following your Journal and wish you all the luck in the world with it.

-A

So here's my second post, shedding bit more light  on me. You'll find here about

1) My past life with porn
2)What are my goals?
3)How I want to achieve them?

I suppose that, the way I'll be writing this journal, people, who know me, could discover who I'm (in real world). And that's OK. I'm tired of trying to hide my problems at all costs. I'm not going to tattoo "porn addict" on my forehead, but I'm not running away anymore neither. Problem can't be overcome by denial.

All comments are welcome and as always, if you find anything wrong grammatically or otherwise, just let me know (probably by PM, so thread won't become too messy, but that's up to you).

1)MY PAST LIFE (WITH PORN + OTHER STUFF)
When I've come to contact with porn, home internet connection has been still pretty rare, so there was not much danger then (we've even exchange some pictures on floppy disks with friends). (Un)Luckily, I've been able to use internet in public library. No site blocker, computer was in quiet corner, it was just ideal. Bit after that I've come across site featuring only faces of girls in the moment of orgasm. It had only one free sample clip available, but it was all I needed. I've seen it countless times, and masturbated to visions of it back home a lot as well. I was around 15 then. After that I can't recall using porn that much, but I've got my naughty fantasies in the manga comics. I've become more and more drawn to Asian looking girls (mostly Japanese) and didn't find real girls around me (in my class, mostly) attractive. So I've kept on escaping into world of drawn girls, hoping for strong, deep, almost platonic love, as often featured in mangas, which I couldn't imagine with any girl around. By time I've been 19, I've couldn't feel any excitement around real girls, with only one exception, and felt bit scared and ashamed by that fact (and my inexperience), so I just tried to do my best to avoid any relationship beyond being classmates. Still, it could have been just shyness at that time, but worst was just yet come.
-- It is probably worth noting that I've been lousy student at high school, mostly due to laziness and getting lost in fantasy worlds of computer games and comics/manga. Thanks to that I've quickly labeled as kind of person, which may be sometimes amusing, but not to be counted on with more serious stuff. No one (my folks included) expected anything from me and I've sometimes felt like I'm getting further and further away from world of serious adults anyone else was heading to. -> Start of low self-esteem? Could be...

After finishing high school, I've wanted to study environment protection on Uni, but I didn't pass entry exams. I've randomly picked computer college as another option, which turned out surprisingly good choice. For the first time, since elementary school, I've been interested (and successful) in school again. I've had good flatmates there too, they helped me overcome my shyness a bit, especially in talking about girls, sex and similar things. Worse thing was unlimited internet access at the dorm. Since all my flatmates have been watching porn (and didn't seem to be suffering), I haven't seen anything wrong with it. More porn (mostly Asian) probably made me drift even further from real girls around, without me even noticing it. Obviously, as time went by and more of my friends got their girlfriends, which made me feel worse, consuming more porn. After getting bit more drunk (I wouldn't gave the guts while sober) I wrote message to that only girl I thought about (my ex-classmate, didn't know any other girls than from school), kinda confessing and asking her out. She suggested we can meet at the party other friends announced and chat about it. I've agreed but as party got closer, I couldn't imagine asking her out with other people around and I chickened out, not even talking to her much at that party. My lack of guts disgusted myself, turning me away from interaction with real girls even more, leaving me fantasizing (mostly) about hot Japanese schoolgirls being very very naughty
-- Confidence-wise, I've had great success at college, gaining some practical experience during work placements as a part of school programme, and passing my final exams with flying colours. Suppose that balanced out my lack of success with girls a bit, so I still haven't felt too desperate about it then.

Search for job after college proved rather fruitless and frustrating. I took job at the only company (very small one, almost one-man show) I got reply from, working full time, getting paid like part time. Looking for better option, I've decided to go to uni, but it was resolution made more out of lack of better plans and hopes for future, rather than my own drive and interest in it. That probably took its toll on my studying morale, sinking back to the field of average-at-best students. Improved social life, I've hoped for with moving into uni dorm, hasn't happened as I've been already too scared to be more social and that, combined with my natural initial shyness, made me feeling even more lonely than at college (the fact that my expectations were probably largely porn-influenced and not too similar to real life obviously didn't help at all). As I've spent most of the time playing video games, watching porn and getting increasingly worried, anxious and scared, desperation started kicking in way stronger and more often than ever before. For a first time I've tried to deal with my porn consumption which has been getting out of hand (with all that jerking off involved, you could say I mean it literally ). I've felt like "I got it under control", eventually realizing that nothing could be further from truth, but with my willpower, self-confidence and self-worth being deep down, I give in eventually and all hell broke loose. Long sessions of edging to countless porn sites, skipping my lessons, neglecting hobbies (the ones which still had some appeal to me back then, I mean) and contact with friends (which I've grown afraid of as I felt more and more like sick pervert). Shift from "quite innocent" mainstream porn to more shocking one (mostly rape scenes, some bestiality), taboo flavoured (lolita type of actresses) and simply more intense one (hentai with its baseball bat-like cocks, hectoliters of bodily fluids and earth-shaking orgasms) also happened. In the end I preferred to mix it kinda in one big "porn menu" with hardcore porn as foreplay, tons of "mainstream" hentai as main meal and shockers (rape, shota, tentacles, etc.) as desert to "top it up" and push me over the edge.

More shame and guilt came with this shift,, which make it even harder for me to just get out and walk in straight line with people around. In my mind everyone knew I'm into that stuff and no one would find such pitiful existence like me interesting or attractive. Fear of staying totally alone was biting hard, causing severe mood swings at many occasions. Unable to even try to find girl I started doubting about my sexual orientation, which has been really bizzare train of thoughts like this: "I haven't got laid yet, so I suppose I can't be interested in girls, I'm gay then. But I don't even watch gay porn nor think about guys, so maybe I'm pedophile. Yeah, I like to watch some lolita-like actresses, so that's probably it..." After this consideration, I've been very depressed and thinking about suicide quite lot. When stoner's paranoia about my supposed pedophilia hit me once, dragging me the lowest I've ever been, I've been able to think it through and realized I'm really nor pedophile neither gay, so I sorted out, at least, doubts about my orientation. But my abuse of porn continued. Due to excessive amount of explicit images burnt into my brain I developed "porn-vision" of a kind. Thanks to it I've been able to fantasize very explicitely about any girl I saw in a blink of an eye. Basically, I've been generating my own porn movies inside my head with random girls I met on street, in the school, anywhere. After some time I realized I'm no longer in control of it, and it made me, in fact, even less interested in real girls. It was almost like "why I should be interested in starting any relationship with this girl, going through first date, holding hands, kissing and so on, when, in my head, I've already fucked her in every way imaginable". On the other hand, I was just dying finally get laid with real girl, experience real thing, but thanks to porno-vision, my libido and any confidence in my ability to please a girl, have been almost bellow zero. Combined with total inexperience when it comes to interacting with girls, I think I would probably ran away, if, by some coincidence, I would have opportunity to sleep with girl. I've been slowly turning 25 and felt like I'm completely lost case. Shame from being virgin at that age was crushing me, making me quite lifeless, destroying any confidence I had left in me. All this was not bound to just sexual relationships, it affected everything in my life. With lack of self-esteem, my motivation has died out, schoolwork became almost impossible to finnish, hobbies lost any appeal and I couldn't see way out.

Breakthrough came, when I finally kicked myself to try it with call girl (I'm aware of forum policy not to encourage prostitute, I'm just telling how it's been for me). I've been able to stay more calm when I've seen it as a deal, thus removing any possible rejection due to my lousy abilities, but still, I've been nervous as hell when I was about to see her, trust me. Luckily she's been quite nice and understanding which really worked wonders for me. Thing, which has been turning me into shaking, anxious, impotent fella has been finally taken care of. At least, I thought, from now on I won't be clueless, scratching my head and wondering how to get inside, if I'll ever get lucky with girl   On the other hand, porn induced ED & DE, I haven't been aware of (obviously), showed up, to bother me instead. But truth to be told, it didn't bothered me that much as that previous problem, as I could at least imagine some solutions to that. My new founded hope fueled my self-improvement attempts for several months (even though, obviously, It wasn't without low moments every now and then). I've got enough courage to go volunteering abroad during the summer and there I've met my girl. With her, I've started to drift from porn-land back to reality, and, by the end of second month I've been able to enjoy sex with her without any porn fantasies. Whole summer stay abroad has been very helpful, as I didn't take my computer with me, so I've been almost two months offline, using only public computer in local library to check my mail every now and then. After returning back home (my girlfriend went with me), I've felt much more confident, relaxed and managed to stay clear off porn for about a month. I just didn't have the need to use it. I've been even really looking forward to the last year at university, having quite ambitious feeling about my bachelor's project. But then eventually, probably in some moment of boredom, searching for cheap thrill, I've thought I will just have look at clip or two. As you can guess, it was bad, bad decision.

Fast forward: thanks to some tension in relationship and increased pressure at school I've just returned to my old drug, reaching previous levels of consumption quite fast. My self-esteem started dropping again, motivation and interest in things quickly following. Every now and then I've tried to do something about it, but my approach lack system, didn't know exactly what to fix, and missing some important information about porn addiction as well (at that time I just thought that if I'll be able to watch porn without feeling shameful and guilty, it won't affect me negatively). Even though my interest in my studies went down again steeply, I've managed to graduate, but received no satisfaction from it, and my original, more ambitious goals from the beginning of school year (when I haven't been under such strong porn addiction influence) have been far from accomplished. After that I moved with my girlfriend back to her country, where story has been quite similar. At the beginning, we haven't got internet access in our place and there's been so many new things and challenges to keep my mind occupied. After three months we got internet access and things started to took similar turn. This time I've been already armed with new knowledge, after seeing Gary Wilson's video from TEDx (Great Porn experiment), which blew my mind and allowed me to see things bit differently. Since this January, I've been trying to keep my head off the artificial stimulation of any kind, and plot how to make sure this time change will be more permanent. This involved keeping myself occupied (doing more traveling around, volunteering through HelpX - great thing!) and educating myself more on issue of low self-esteem, which is my another problem, playing its part in my previous relapses.

I feel tempted to say "So far, so good..." but I have feeling that battle won't be over for some time yet. That's also reason why I set up my goal as one year without relapsing.
--my counter is set to 180 days to make it less daunting in the beginning. I will set it to 365 days after achieving this first half of my goal.

btw. I've decided to put the other two subjects (What are my goals & How I want to achieve them) into separate posts, they will appear soon

2)MY GOALS
In past two years, while trying to get better, I realized that reason why, quite often, I was not very successful, could  be that I wasn't exactly sure what I want to achieve or what I should be focusing on.

At first, I was just dying to have someone who would love me, and I could love back, someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, unable to satisfy that need (lack of guts? lack of luck? who knows...) I've turned to the porn fantasies more and more, not knowing the damage I've been doing to myself. Vicious circle has started and I've been just running around in it, eventually heading into downward spiral. My self-esteem has been suffering by the fact I'm unable to find a girl and I found my quick fix for that in porn. That brought decreased interest in real life relationships, shame and guilt with it, damaging my self-esteem even more. My confidence in myself has never been my strongest point, and this just finished it off, making it even harder to achieve my original goal, finding a girl, which, you guess it, made me feel even worse. Things just went from bad to worse with every spin of that circle. With things going down, my motivation to do other things (my school, career, friendly relationships, hobbies) diminished as well, turning me into even bigger loser. As I wrote in my previous post, breakthrough came after I've lost my virginity, managed to got volunteering abroad and finding my girl there. Then, big confusion came. I've achieved the goal I sought after the most, but after some time, old feelings of hopelessness and depression came back again. Real relationship presented me with new challenges which turned into new worries (mostly based on the same stuff as old worries have been) and I've soon returned to porn (dopamine) addiction.

After thinking about and analyzing my situation, I've came to these conclusions:
1) Thanks to excessive porn use (abuse), my expectations have been adjusted to it, not really being able to cope with way things go in real life. My brain, being used to having hundreds of "sexual encounters" with girls on my screen every week, just find it really hard to be satisfied with sex (even though with real girl now) only few times a month. Also, after exposure to "hypersexuality" of hardcore porn and, especially, hentai, real love-making didn't provide me with dopamine hits big enough. All that lead to my discontent and I've realized, I'm trying to transform my unreal fantasies to real world, rather than trying more real perspective.

2)I've expected relationship to be "miracle drug" kind of, hoping it would solve all my problems. Mostly important, that led me away from my real issues, leaving them untouched, preventing me from facing them and treating them as required. I've admitted that to myself after realizing, that old feeling I used to have prior finding relationship ("No one would like to be in relationship with such loser as me") and new feeling, I've experienced being already with my girl ("She will leave me for sure, why she would like to stay with someone like me")  were fueled by the same underlying issue: Low self-esteem. And even though I would agree, that having good intimate relationship surely can boost one's self-confidence, it won't fix it alone.

3)My motivation was very weak, possibly thanks to addiction related changes in brain and to low self-esteem. In order to successfully overcome addiction, I'll need to replace it with other interests (rather then other addictions), which will require some motivation. Without finding new interests and feeling the need to achieve my goals, there will be little left to help me through period of abstinence.

So, based on these thoughts, I've set following goals for my recovery (mind you that I'm not thinking of it as recovery just from porn-addiction, but rather as recovery from generally miserable and unsustainable way of being)

1)Kick my porn/dopamine addiction, cravings and unrealistic expectations (by means of complete abstinence)
2)Overcome my low self-esteem (by means of kicking addiction, educating myself more on that matter, undergoing therapy)
3)Renew/Strengthen my motivation in other things in my life (by means of kicking addiction, strengthening my self-confidence and setting up achievable goals - both short and long term ones)
4)Achieve more permanent optimistic/realistic mindset and emotional stability

Ultimately, I would like to achieve such state, when my self-worth, ability to lead good life and enjoy things around me won't be completely depending on being in intimate relationship or not. Not saying that I wouldn't care about it at all, but I refuse to be slave of it as I was so far.

As I already know, this journey of mine is not straight, linear process (as life is not, in first place I suppose) but still, I haven't been able to use this knowledge in battle against low mood. Two weeks ago, I've started following more concrete schedule, trying to achieve my set of goals. Working on my skills (programming, English language) educating myself (learning about self-esteem, setting up my account and journal here) and looking after myself (exercising, eating healthy, sleeping at least 7 hours a day) took most of my time, making me feel good and hopeful. At that time my goal to avoid destructive depressive mindset was quite easy one, as bad thoughts didn't occur to me, or they've been very faint and easy to overcome.

Now, I've decided to make some more money and got a job (manual labour). It's 7 hours of dull, repetitive work, during which my brain is not used at all and it's free to roam. Unfortunately, while spacing out, it comes up quite often with stressing or depressing thoughts, which make me low. Thanks to work I also don't have that much time (or energy) for my schedule, so I have less satisfaction from successfully finished goals as well. Feelings of hopelessness and loneliness come more often and they are stronger. Time seems to go much faster while in that low mindset - minutes seem like hours and day seems like half a year. Now I can see, how big progress I've made so far in terms of being able to deal with those sneaky fuckers and I can say, that it's better than it used to be. Periods of low mood are neither that long, nor intensive and I'm able to get to better mindset quicker. Still, when I notice that I'm going low again, it stings me every time as I really hope I can get free from them at some point.

So most important thing now is to don't let it get me down. Acknowledge that learning process is going three steps forward, two steps back, sometimes, and progress can be hard to see, especially without any way how to compare it to state before longer time (few years back, for example). Just stick with things and keep on trying, because that's the only thing how to get where I want to be, even if it will be by one step at a time.

Things to keep an eye on, in order to avoid being low:
1)Don't space out. Try to stick with reality more. If not possible, try to remember some particular memory (nice if possible) rather than to let my brain roam completely free.
2)Don't loose track of time. Happens a lot when spacing out. Realize that even if I don't feel well now, it won't last that long.
3)Pay more attention to thoughts. If I see they are going the wrong way, try to switch the train of thoughts before it gets too far.
4)Don't take the fact that I still get low sometimes as proof of my failure. It's not that bad as it used to, so there is some progress. And accept that everyone gets low every now and then, don't put myself down because of it.

I wonder how many of you guys felt like you've made important personal revelation/discovery, in way how to deal with cravings, negative emotions, flatline or anything else, which made you feel like things will change from now on. And how you've been able to remember/stick to that discovery?

What do I mean by "Personal discovery"? It's something like very useful advice to YOURSELF what to do / not to do when facing certain situations. It can be something you've never heard of before and you've come up with it completely yourself, or it could be even some old truth / general advice, which you've (quite often suddenly) found really true, working and helpful in YOUR situation.

Some of my own personal discoveries:
1)When bad thoughts/cravings strike, get out and do something, don't try to sit and wait it out - go see friends, take your bike for a ride, go for walkie, cook something, hell, even go to the garden and weed vegetable patches 
2)Don't try to negotiate with addicted brain - On so many occasions I've tried to make deals with myself, like look at porn only "a bit", or without M, or "just softcore" and similar nonsenses... It NEVER worked. It's all or nothing for me now.
3)When feeling like shit, don't loose track of time - I've mentioned this one in my previous post already and I mention it again, as this one is BIG thing for me. Make me feel low for two hours and I will feel like I've been low for half of my life (same goes for feeling of loneliness, unpleasant, tiring, boring work, hard work-out and some other things). It's hard to stay positive (and, more importantly, don't give up) when you feel that way.
4)Fear of something is best to deal with by doing exactly that thing you're afraid of - quite self explanatory. I've proven that this works for me several times, yet still I find myself often reluctant and scared to face some personal challenges.

Why I'm asking that is, when I've started to think more about what's going on inside me, about thoughts in my head, about my feelings (what I feel and why) I've made quite a few of those "personal discoveries/revelations". At the time I thought they could be keys to my state and its change, but as time went by I found myself forgetting those revelations and repeating the same old mistakes, only to recall those discoveries afterward (and feel quite stupid for not being able to recall them sooner and use that knowledge to avoid that mistakes in the first place). Past few days have proved bit harder for me as I've been struck by bad thoughts (sometimes quite intense) repeatedly, resulting in several periods of feeling low. Most of them could be prevented (or at least their extent lessened) by recalling some of my earlier discoveries, If I would recall them sooner than hour or two after falling low already. Suppose that just making that discovery and storing it passively in my head is not enough (like in that famous Bruce Lee quote "Knowing is not enough..." - http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/302319-knowing-is-not-enough-we-must-apply-willing-is-not ) so I need to keep on reminding it (for that purpose I've written those important things on pieces of paper and stuck it on a wall above my working place at home so I can see it a lot) AND BEHAVING accordingly.

So, guys, if it does ring a bell for you, or if you know exactly what I'm talking about, join in and let me and others know. Share some of your own "personal discoveries", how you try to stick with them, how difficult it is for you, or how you feel when you forget about them and repeat mistake because of that.
If you think it's all just load of crap and bullshit extra-deluxe, go on and write it here as well.

Stay strong and Keep on trying

More time passed but I'm still the man with a mission. Few things changed, so from empty house I moved into household with other people as well, I've quit previous manual work and instead of not seeing my girlfriend at all for a month a see her every day now as I moved in, temporarily, to her parents place. But some things remained, even if in bit changed form. So instead of feeling bit lonely in empty house I have more people around, but as I'm a guest it limits a bit my options about how I spend my free time. Same goes for that work, which made me feel quite shitty regularly, since it was really boring thing and it was taking lot of my time I wanted to spend on self-improvement, but without it I feel bit like slacker sometimes, not making any money at the mo. And with girlfriend, well, it's definitely nice to have her around, especially when she's in the mood to get busy, but on the other hand, she's often feeling down, which affects me as well, as I'm then thinking about our relationship and hope for the future.

Long story short, it seems like there's always something in the way of my strive for better me. And that could be also why things are sometimes taking me too long, why I'm so bloody indecisive and postponing important things instead of trying to deal with them as soon as possible. Maybe I way too often wait for perfect moment to do things. Moment when I won't be so tired, hungry, sad, in the middle of something "very" important (like playing silly flash games or mindlessly browsing the net), or when I'll be more brave, more strong, etc. Basically, the moment when it won't require such effort to do what I want to do. I suppose I should know better, as nothing comes for free, and worthy things mostly require effort (sometimes even bigger than just small amount of it). And if I want to achieve those things, I need to make that effort (I know, it's not anything new, but I just came to realize it again after longer time of harmful ignorance - my another personal discovery). After all, it was probably this approach, to deal with things the easiest, lazy way, which made porn so appealing for me. No need to make an effort, no need to fear the rejection or risk embarrassment, just get straight to reward I was after so much.

So I should not forget about that quite often there's no really easy way (no effort, no sweat, no pain), things can be sometimes pretty rough and hard and that it's in the times like these, when I need to grit my teeth and do the right thing no matter the circumstances.

Otherwise, cravings are almost non-existent, I've been even able to read a book about sex and relationships (no erotica, more like literature of fact, but it's obviously very explicit) without any triggers, and also without my previous usual feelings of sadness, guilt, shame or hopelessness. Experiencing more dreams, even some with mild erotic content. My social anxiety and sense of self-confidence and self-worth still depends a lot on my mood, so when I've been down few times, it was quite challenging to just walk around people (especially girls), due to feelings of inferiority. Would be really glad to see that go, as it is annoying as hell.

as always
Stay strong and Keep on trying

Still alive and kicking...
I've been just reading a few journals and some of the successful stories and it just got me thinking again about different reasons why people are here.

How comes that someone can be so unhappy (or even desperate) about not having boner with any girl they've been with recently, while others find it almost impossible to even talk to girls and wouldn't even dream of being with one?

Why other people still don't consider themselves "rebooted" when they can get erection, while others are suffering from completely "dead" thing and would sell their soul for "good enough" erection?

How is it possible that some people go for long time without relapsing, report giving up a porn and shaking off cravings as relatively easy (usually relapsing only after making some dumb mistake, like browsing internet while drunk etc.), while others can't seem to last for a single week, relapsing after mere days.

My guess is that answer to first two questions lies in different things those guys hope to fix by quitting porn. Some of them seem to be "only" after rewiring their brain from pixels back to real people and getting their arousal back, living otherwise good life, with porn possibly being the main reason behind their troubles. Others seem like trying to change big part of their lives, fighting (and quite often feel like loosing) on the several fronts, uncertain, if porn is more of a result or reason of those other problems. It's easily noticeable in the journals, reading about what different people consider as an achievements, what they consider important to share with the others. For some, morning wood (or absence of), hardness of erection or physical state of their junk is most important info, while others on the other hand mention ability to talk to girl without feeling anxious or attending party being able to enjoy it.
I suppose I belong to the latter group. Like I mentioned in my previous posts, my true goal is not only to get rid of porn but also change my ways of life in quite broad spectrum of things. In fact, now it seems like porn was one of the less difficult problems for me, possibly more result (even though that it did its damage too), but since it was my main escape from those other problems, I can use it as a sign of my progress. That's why I don't consider myself rebooted yet, even though my erections are usually rock hard for long time now - as long as those things, I used to escape from, are still in my life so is possibility of relapsing into addiction.

And as for that third question, I think answer is motivation. No matter if you came here to fix your boners of your life, you will need motivation to see you through it. Porn is not an option! And so it's not my old way of life!

Otherwise, sometimes I feel bit of itch to have a peek, but it's quite weak so it's no problem to go on without it and trying to do things different ways from what I've been used to keeps me occupied. Trying to stick to plan I always do in the morning seems to be working for me, as well as exercising regularly and reading book about how low self-esteem works (and how it can be fixed). All those things train my will, help me to feel better about myself and help me to stay on the right track and away from crutches and escapes like porn.

Stay strong and Keep on trying

Congratulations on your success, LerouK!

I enjoyed reading your latest post. I have sometimes seen guys here talk past each other and fail to connect, because they do not realize that they both have very different reasons for wanting to reboot. They do not share the same motivations, and they do not realize it. So there is sometimes confusion and friction when they interact.

And I am not immune from making that mistake myself! So your reminder will be very helpful for me.

Stay strong & Best wishes as you continue your reboot!

Just read through your journal and was a good reminder of what I also went through.
Your English is fine btw so don't worry about that 

My guess is that answer to first two questions lies in different things those guys hope to fix by quitting porn. Some of them seem to be "only" after rewiring their brain from pixels back to real people and getting their arousal back, living otherwise good life, with porn possibly being the main reason behind their troubles. Others seem like trying to change big part of their lives, fighting (and quite often feel like loosing) on the several fronts, uncertain, if porn is more of a result or reason of those other problems.

Click to expand...

Remember first seing Garry Wilsons TEDx talk and even though it's a great video I was slightly frustrated as it mainly indicated that people reboot to fix PIED. This may be true for a lot of people but for people like you and myself it is more to try and alleviate the other issues that come along with porn e.g. anxiety, lack of confidence, lack of motivation, brain fog.

I've expected relationship to be "miracle drug" kind of, hoping it would solve all my problems.

Click to expand...

This goes the same for a reboot aswell, a reboot may help reduce the anxiety and brain fog but it won't fix everything in our lives. It does however give us a clearer head to be able to deal with other issues and not just run to PMO everytime life gets tough.

(like playing silly flash games or mindlessly browsing the net),

Click to expand...

Have you considered fully quitting playing games? I realized that I was also addicted to video games so I stopped playing them completely, I also stopped watching TV completly and these have really helped in the reboot process. After a while you'll realize that you can easily live without them.

Best of luck with the reboot and improving yourself in general man 

Okay, I must admit that I haven't expected this now. After quite long time my cravings returned, tempting me again. Not sure if it has something to do with change in my situation, as after spending almost year in UK I returned back home. Is it possible that it's some sort of reality shock, returning into career life after what has been sort of a gap year (working, traveling, volunteering, relaxing)? I went to UK just after graduating from uni, so now, after my arrival, it's time to search for some more serious job (it's not really an option to do here that warehouse work I've been doing in the UK). My low self-esteem improved a bit since I started working on it, but this is still very challenging situation for me. So it seems like in these times of stress my brain tempts me with an idea of another escape from the reality, into that great, carefree world of porn, much more exciting that everyday life.

I've resisted so far, but today I got my cousin's smartphone to take it for a repair (luckily I don't own one, I'm avoiding it for whole bunch of reasons) and of course he had some porn clips there and I've played one for a half a minute or so. 30 seconds may not seem like big deal to a lot of people, but I'm mostly upset by the fact I did it in the first place, willingly, knowing what will be there. Only thing I can say in my defense is that as I don't use smartphones at all, I was quite curious to see what it can do, and if you can really enjoy watching anything on that small screen. I consider it a good warning, that old pathways in the brain are still there, ready to be used and abused and I should be prepared to face some difficulties at any moment. And I'll be prepared better than I was now. After all, it's "just" about offering brain something interesting instead of porn.

as always
Stay strong and Keep on trying

P.S. I haven't reset my counter now, as I was able to stop watching quickly and without hesitating, but next time I'll willingly peep on any porn, even just for a second, I will reset that thing. I don't want to lie to myself.

As someone, who believes that in their case porn is rather secondary problem, result of (and escape from) some underlying issue, I have another experience to prove it.
After replying to an job offer I was asked to show some skills first, before they would invite me (or not) to an interview. Unfortunately I had to use programing language which I haven't used in several years, so it was quite challenging. After spending most of my weekend on it, program is almost done, but so am I. Due to levels of stress I've experienced really shitty states of restlessness, nervousness, lack of sleep due to stress, which obviously only made it worse, humming noise in my ears and finally, my old company, feelings of total loneliness and worthlessness, fear of the future, anxiety and doubts of my own abilities. And, several times, I felt compelled to leave all work and go for porn-watching spree. But it was not porn which made me feel like that, I got into that state BEFORE even thinking about porn. Nonetheless, I didn't go.

Porn is not that evil mastermind, plotting how to destroy my life. Porn is mere quick fix. Part of my brain is tempting me to escape from bad and scary reality to safe world of porn. Something like "Why staying in the world where you're sometimes lonely, where things can hurt and even biggest amount of effort doesn't guarantee nothing? Come to wonderful world of instant joy, without worries, hurt, fear, loneliness, where you're always winner who takes it all." Bullshit! It's nothing but sweet, empty promises. As with the most of quick fixes, it only leads you away from real things, real problems, and real ways how to solve them.

And I refuse to let porn do that to me. I want and deserve to live and love in real world, not in artificial reality, existing only when my computer is on.

and for that I want to
Stay strong and Keep on trying

P.S.
I've just realized there's quite lot of pathos in the end of this post Fuck it. Everyone need some of it now and then and it's easy to sound very determined in those isolated heroic moments, but it will be what you will think and do in 'boring' everyday life (especially when you don't feel like determined hero with a cause at all), which will determine if you fail or not. So let me put that last paragraph into much simpler words: "I will try not to screw up".

First half of my goal is done and I haven't even realized it  Maybe it's better that way. At least I'm not too obsessed about kicking porn, after all, I didn't want to replace one addiction with another. Can't really say, how much progress is behind me, I still do have bit of porn-o-vision sometimes, seeing nice girl, I still do experience cravings sometimes, which disappeared almost completely for first two months so I know there is some porn on my brain every now and then. It usually comes with boredom or stress. But they are not as strong as they used to be (or my willpower got better) as I've been able to stay away from it, rather than wasting incredible amount of time and energy doing things I've been ashamed of later.

As for other things, which I'm trying to improve (self-esteem, self-acceptance, social skills, planning and so on...), well, let's say that I still have things to work on, but I find it understandable, as it doesn't seem to be caused by porn, porn only made it worse.

But I don't want to make things worse, so I just set up my counter for second half of my goal. And when I'll see it through, I'll celebrate with day full of porn and jerking off to it in every imaginable way..... No, just kidding, I'll go for a trip with friends, looking forward to more days like that...

So, after all, i did that stupid thing again. Watched few pictures, about 20 minutes of that guilty pleasure. But since I said I wouldn't do it, I'm resetting my counter. On day 262... yeah, I'm feeling slightly stupid. Not angry, just stupid.

But to be honest, I don't think it does make any big difference. After all, it's not one mistake, which makes all your effort worthless. And it goes the same the other way around: one good thing doesn't make it up for previous mistakes. I will just carry on what I've been doing so far - trying to keep mistakes rare and good things regular. But I don't want to lie to myself, so counter will have to go back to zero.

Otherwise I can say, that cravings and temptation were still present for most of the time. Unfortunately it was not like my brain would forget about all that kicks it used to get from porn and sometimes it wanted it quite intensively. Luckily, for most of the time it was alright, not sure though, if it will get better or if this is about as good as it gets. Guess I'll see.

Stay strong and Keep on trying