One Target At A Time

Hi everyone, some may or may not recognise my username but i was on the forum maybe 6-12 months ago. I made some good initial progress and thought I had cracked this terrible addiction. I got up to day 18 and felt that it was easy, and started preaching to others that all was necessary was to use your brain to focus on more healthy things.

That?s true of course, but it?s not that easy!! And I should have listened more to the advice others were giving me in messages and on the forum.

I failed on Day 18 and have not got close to it again since. In fact the return to it after lapsing was more intense than before and has made me feel a lot worse. I have had some very long sessions of PMO, sometimes 7 hours at a time. I have also been out of work so these long sessions have often occurred day after day.

A week or so ago I completed another marathon session and afterwards felt physically exhausted. My stomach hurt, my penis was sore, and I just thought ?THIS HAS TO STOP? it is such a waste of time and is ruining my life. My relationship with my wife is great, but she doesn?t know about this dirty secret. I feel telling her would be selfish as the only reason for doing it is to ease the burden on ME and this is a problem of my own doing that I will put right with the support of the wonderful people on here

So here goes. Coming to you from Day 7 of no PMO or MO. Hoping this really is it this time. My new goals are as follows, and I am determined to meet them:

1) 19 days - this would be the longest I have ever gone without PMO in my (nearly) 40 years
2) 30 days - always been the marker I have wanted to achieve and would feel real progress
3) 90 days - the holy grail. 90 days to give my body and brain the chance to feel normal again? That would be truly amazing
4) 365 days - to end the first year of my 40s ?clean? would mean so much to me. I want my 40s to be the best 10 years of my life yet

Glad to have you back here and ready to do the work necessary to end this scourge in your life. We have all been there and understand how this whole thing works. It is truly a process. You start, you continue, and you never stop.

That is even hard for me to see myself write done, "what... this is forever?" Honestly, I think it is.

Anyway, glad your here. We can work on this together. That is why RN was created. You will succeed if you never stop trying. You will succeed if you are honestly committed to change your life. So, here comes the hard part. I think you have heard before.

Include your wife in this recovery process!

She doesn't have to know everything. She doesn't have to hear about everything. She doesn't have to deal with it 100% of your time together. But if you really want to grow into the person you want to be, you have to realize that it is damn near impossible to do this completely on your own.

I suspect that she already knows that something is going on. The power of this thing is secrecy. Don't give it this power. It will not be pleasant but, sit her down, talk to her, and open yourself to this women that you love. You will be glad you did.

Peace

Thanks Bob for the words of encouragement, they are really appreciated and it is great to have support on here from people like you.

I have read many a time about the need to tell our spouses about this addiction, but I am firmly in the camp of not doing so. I appreciate everyone has a different view on this and good on those that decide they want to disclose their secret to their partners. My reasons for not wanting to do so can be summed up as follows I think:

1) This is my problem. I created it, no-one else, and I need to take ownership of it and put it right.

2) The main reason for disclosing this addiction to spouses seems to always be about making it easier for the individual to deal with it. To feel better about it, to offload a burden. To me that is unfair on our loved ones who are only going to feel hurt, upset, like they have failed, unloved etc etc. What right do we have to make them feel this way when they have done nothing to deserve it?

3) From reading stories on here over the last couple of years I would say maybe 40% of the time disclosing the problem leads to our partners not being able to deal with it and subsequently relationship break downs. This ties in with number 2 above in my view, it isn?t fair to create that scenario when all our partner has done is love us and treat us right. This is my problem and I will deal with it and use it to return that love and support I have been shown in my relationship.

Please don?t feel I am dismissing the reasons why those feel we should disclose to our partners. I can see both sides, but for me I just fee strongly about my own personal reasons and dealing with this alone (except for the wonderful support on here) is what feels the right thing to do for me

I read all the stories on here and will start adding to others blog stories soon. I feel I have found a place where I can be open and honest about my recovery and look forward to achieving all of our goals together

Broadfield78,

I understand your concerns and you are correct.

Broadfield78 said:

I feel I have found a place where I can be open and honest about my recovery and look forward to achieving all of our goals together

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However, if some feel that including spouses is about making it easier for the individual to deal with, this couldn't be further from the truth. It is difficult, painful, and embarrassing to include your spouse in this process. And you are correct, it can be extremely hurtful for the spouse. But what I have read from partners here, they feel that the hurt may occur but to have honesty in the relationship is more important that the hurt it may cause.

One last point. What would your spouse feel if they learn about this down the road? Just a question. I truly am not trying to push here. I do respect your decision and will do everything I can to be supportive.

Glad to have you on board.

Peace

I appreciate the support Bob, and each and every reply I get whether agreeing or otherwise with my own views. I wouldn?t judge anyone who has the direct opposing view to my own about telling a spouse, it?s just different views but one I feel strongly about.

Your question is a good one I must admit  and it did lead to me giving it some thought. I think all those things I mentioned previously would come to light, the hurt, the upset etc etc, which is why I would never want to share it voluntarily. If it happened, I would have to deal with the consequences of course. If I am honest though I would hope that it never will come to light, because everything is destroyed, no evidence remains, and every day that passes I hope that the memories in my head will fade and will be replaced by more cherished ones of spending time with my family and loved ones and truly living the life I want to live.

Still day 7 here but gone very well. I saw someone else post that they were on holiday at the moment and struggling with the scantily clad ladies. I am too at the moment with my wife and facing the same challenge. But I have made a real conscious effort to not linger on any sights, and if I catch sight of a young lady I acknowledge her attractiveness in my mind, and make an decision to return my thoughts to what I was doing previously instead of wandering off into a day dream.

Target 1 remains to go past 18 days which is my current longest streak

Best wishes to all and good luck to all

No need for apologies.  Many of us have returned to recognizing and addressing this problem throughout our lives without full resolution.  It isn't impossible although it can be daunting.

Excessive PMO can really sap your drive.  I think that you will find more motivation around your career once you begin to abstain.  Conversely, unemployment can lead to isolation and depression, which are triggers.  Try to get out of the house often if you can.

In several seasons of my life, I have worked hard to replace porn with real interactions with real people.  This is beneficial.  However, to really cleanse the proclivities porn has endowed you with, I believe a hard mode is most beneficial.  If you don't have sex with your wife for an extended period, she will probably wonder why, and you will need some explanation.

I know that others here have found success with different strategies.  This is just what I have found to work for me.

With motivation, support, and faith, you can do this.  We will be rooting for you.

Thank you uncreatedlight - I appreciate you taking the time, it means a lot.

I considered a full hard mode, and you are right, it would need explanation. But it really isn?t an option for me. We have been trying for a family for 2 years now and it?s something we both really want and know we have to keep working at. As it happens we had sex yesterday (day 6) and I must say it was more intense and natural than it?s been for a long time. My thoughts were with my wife and we felt as one. Whether that?s a coincidence or the result of taking this mental decision to eradicate PMO from my life I don?t know.

So it?s something that I am having/also wanting to build into my own personal strategy and I am hoping it is something I can use to help rebuild those natural, positive pathways as part of my reboot. Last night really felt like it was doing a lot on that front,  it who knows, time will tell.

Good luck to all

Great news.    Glad to hear it.

Broadfield78 said:

But I have made a real conscious effort to not linger on any sights, and if I catch sight of a young lady I acknowledge her attractiveness in my mind, and make an decision to return my thoughts to what I was doing previously instead of wandering off into a day dream.

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Working at a university, that seems to be my daily struggle. I am not by a beach but that matter little on the selected attire worn by some. Acknowledge and look away. That's all I can do.

Peace

Day 8 nearly passed by.

Been a bit strange today. My mind kept wandering to the strange subject of having an affair with a younger lady. No idea why. I am happily married and would never do it, but it kept coming into my mind all day, wondering what it might be like.

No chance of it happening and I am hoping these kind of thoughts will disappear tomorrow

When you get those thoughts, don't fight them. Accept them, acknowledging that they are fantasy and then let them go.

I started to write more about this but realized that I didn't need to hijack your journal. I went and posted a further response in my own journal.

Peace

Day 9 - half way to my first target of 18 days to equal and then beat my previous best ever streak

Thanks Bob for your comments. It?s a tricky one isn?t it, trying to accept you are a normal red blooded male and that it isn?t wrong to look at and find women attractive, while at the same time wrestling with the notion of ?should I be doing this? Is this my porn brain behaving badly again??

I have had more of the same today. Still on hols for a while yet and still surrounded by too much skin! But today was better than yesterday for day dreaming and so I think your comments, and notes on your own thread really helped me put things in perspective.

That said I have still had some bad/fantasising thoughts at the same time and so i would be lying if I said I was progressing as I would like

Still, 9 days is good. It?s 9 days further ahead than I was 9 days ago

Broadfield78 said:

9 days is good. It?s 9 days further ahead than I was 9 days ago

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This is what you focus on. Notice I eliminated the "Still" from the quote. You are doing it. It isn't linear. The recovery process jumps all over the place. People that think otherwise are kidding themselves.

You are doing great!

Peace

Checking in on Day 11. Still going ok here.

Yesterday I made an effort to listen to my meditation recordings in the afternoon, and some hypnosis recordings this morning. The meditation seemed to help yesterday as afterwards I had far less fantasising going on (reminder to people who may not know - I am on hols at the moment and subjected to women in their swimwear round the pool/beach each day).

I noticed the odd attractive lady, appreciates what I was seeing, but nothing more. Hoping day 11 here is the same and pushing on to my first target of reaching and beating 18 days

Day 13 today. Still managing to remain clean from PMO

I am finding it very hard to stop fantasising though. It?s getting me down as I don?t feel I am achieving at the moment, despite no PMO. My problem was more on the fantasy side before anyway - writing stories, creating imaginary scenarios using pics from Instagram etc. And I am not sure how I can stop these daydreaming type thoughts from happening. Am I actually not addicted to P? Am I just a highly sexualised person?

I am wondering if my sexual energy from my youth drives me to think these things. I had no sexual experiences until I was in my 20s and at school/college never had a girlfriend or found it easy to speak to girls. I had a couple of sexual relationships (long term) in my 20s before meeting my wife and getting married. Did this lack of sexual activity (never had a one night stand, kissed or fumbled with a girl apart from my relationships) lead me to become this highly sexual person now that seems to be trying to create all the scenarios I ?missed out? on when I was younger?

Anyone understand this or have similar experiences?

I don?t know. I?m not sure where I go from here but I am carrying on regardless.

Broadfield78,

I to have had this types of thoughts. I continue to have these thoughts. Its like my mind can jump into hyper drive when I see something that could be a trigger. I just try and understand that this is part of my brain's reward system screaming for control.

When I was younger, I had situations which arose that would constitute a ultimate fantasy for a typical young male. I backed away and said "No." I was either scared or I didn't think it was morally ethical at the time. Years later, I think, what did I care? Why didn't I just go for it?

I have  frequently thought I had a high sex drive. Maybe I do. But I can control it. I seem to be doing that now.

I think these feelings are understandable and quite normal. Keep going the distance. You are doing great. And, did you ever think you could make it this far? I know 19 days was your past record but you are almost there and beyond.

Keep it up! You can do this!

Peace

Thanks Bob, just what I needed to hear today.

78,

I had a similar situation.  I waited until marriage for sex and no physical affairs.  So in the real life I started with no experience and only been with 1 woman my whole life.  But in fantasy, I've had more women than Wilt Chamberlin (HAHA).  In fantasy I've had multiple experiences before marriage.  Before marriage it was pre-internet but I could get VHS tapes and magazines.  I'm not sure if there is any one thing that made me this way, I bet it is a multitude of factors.

The more I read on YBOP the more I realize I was getting a high and I kept seeking that high.  That high came to me in different fantasies.  I didn't write like you but in the internet age I would think of some fantasy and try to find it in pics or vids.

Now as I try to quit PMO I do find myself in bed or when I'm alone thinking of different "scenes".  For me, the further I get from day zero, the easier it is to see how my fantasies were unrealistic.  Unrealistic to the point of, "why do I want that?" unrealistic.

I hope some of that makes sense.  Blessings to you!

Thanks newstart. I really appreciate you taking the time to post. Your situation sounds very similar to mine which gives me hope!

Day 16

Approaching target number 1 (19 days) and so far so good. The last couple of days have felt easier. This seems to have coincided with me starting to read a new self help book on will power - helping me understand why my brain craves what it does and how to deal with it when these cravings occur. Early days, but it seems to be helping.

Still having a lot of thoughts around different fantasies but when I then think about using P to act them out, I don?t get the same buzz I used to. I seem to be able to see through the fog and realise that yes, it would be a release and very enjoyable while I was doing it, but I can see more clearly now how I would feel afterwards and it?s not worth throwing away all my hard work.

Onwards to my first target, at which point the nex target of 30 days won?t seem very far away at all