Journal: 29 years old, PIED

Backstory: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=9370.msg95247

Day 4: No porn and no masturbation. My goal is 90 days free of porn and masturbation. Today, I've spent a good portion of my day publishing my backstory (linked above). Now, it's time to get out and distract myself. I've found this is the best way to avoid urges. I need to exercise, pursue hobbies (preferably those outside of my bedroom), and hang out with friends. These are the things that will get me through the day clean.

Day 6: No porn and, god, I nearly masturbated. I woke up, following a night of heavy drinking and weed smoking, and I nearly relapsed. It's becoming very apparent to me that my relapses are almost always associated with excessive alcohol and weed consumption. At least right now, I feel motivated to be more mindful of my alcohol and weed use. During my first and longest nofap streak (68 days), I'd all but stopped smoking weed. I felt like a better me.

I had another trigger this morning: my dating app. I've been reluctant to date during my current reboot because of (1) the trigger of looking at provacative dating pictures and (2) the fear/shame of having another ED episode. Nonetheless, I occasionally lurk on a dating app just to see who's out there. This feels unhealthy in that it leads me to compulsively scan profile to profile, much like I would scan videos and pictures of porn. Some users here have suggested that I rewire with real women during my reboot (which would require me using an app, since I don't have a significant female social circle); others have suggested I avoid mating and dating for a while. I'm unsure of which to go with. I have a lot of pent-up sexual energy that makes me want to get back on the dating scene. On the other hand, perhaps I need to subdue this energy and focus on my inner self.

Day 8: No porn and masturbation. For me, the hardest part of my reboot is that I'm doing it alone (i.e. without a girlfriend or dating). It's difficult to ignore urges for porn and masturbation when I have no other outlet for sexual gratification. Without a female partner, I have no way of testing whether my erectile function is improving, and I'm missing out on the potential benefit of rewiring to human touch.

I'm happy to have gone 8 days without porn and masturbation. I'm glad to know I at least have that much will power. But the utter lack of sexual release in my life (whether with real partners or via the internet) is torturous at times. I'm not dating right now because of shame regarding my ED and the fact that, at nearly 30 years of age, I've had to move back home with my mom (to save money while making a career change).

If I can get rid of my ED, I feel like everything else will eventually work itself out. Unfortunately, I'm not assured that my ED will ever go away. I've been at this reboot since December--on my own volition and at the recommendation of my sex therapist--but I've seen no improvement on the rare occasions of attempting to have sex.

*Triggers: I didn't get out much today, and so I found myself browsing on Instagram and the likes. I need to follow my own advice and stay away from my bedroom as much as possible. Preoccupations outside of my bedroom will get me to 90 days.

Day 9: No porn and masturbation. As I'm about to reach 10 days, I feel like I'm finally getting back on the wagon. Streaks in the single-digit stage always seem the most difficult to maintain, because the memory of my last sexual gratification (relapse) is still close to mind. Anyway, I'm so close to the 10 day point. That fills me with some optimism.

I woke up today remembering my late post yesterday, in which I reminded myself that I must stay preoccupied with meaningful activities (mainly work and exercise). On to those activities now...

Stay strong! 
Your PIED finally WILL be disappear, because... (if) it is PORN induced errectile disfunction 
With exile porn out of your life, you will improve. Of course you will!

Exile ALL porn (even subs like tinder, instagram, facebook etc.) to "cool down" your drained reward circle (dopamine).

I read in your journal that you still looked at porn on your first streak (68 days) - stop that, it will only slowing down your progress.
Go hardmode in every imaginable aspect! I know that you can, you know that you can!
I wish you all the best 

gentleman86 said:

I read in your journal that you still looked at porn on your first streak (68 days) - stop that, it will only slowing down your progress.
Go hardmode in every imaginable aspect! I know that you can, you know that you can!
I wish you all the best 

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Thanks so much for giving your insight. It means a lot. First, I will say that I am going hardmode right now. Second, I will say that I think I have PIED, but I'm still not entirely sure. My therapist believes it's porn-induced but maybe also trauma-induced. It's really hard to tell, because I can get off just fine without porn (unlike some people with PIED) and I get morning wood daily (always have). The ED just showed up at the immediate moment of vaginal penetration. This has been a recurring issue, without fail, since I lost my virginity. Does this sound like PIED to you?

I am not a doctor, but after you description I would say that you didn't have PIED.

* you can get off WITHOUT porn (mostly with full errection?)
* you have daily morning woods

Maybe for your case it is really just a "perfomance anxiety".

Do you get limp everytime you want to penetrate the women or just in some cases?

gentleman86 said:

I am not a doctor, but after you description I would say that you didn't have PIED.

* you can get off WITHOUT porn (mostly with full errection?)
* you have daily morning woods

Maybe for your case it is really just a "perfomance anxiety".

Do you get limp everytime you want to penetrate the women or just in some cases?

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Thanks for your insight. Honestly, I have a hard time believing that I've had performance anxiety for 10 years. I really feel no nervousness when escalating to sex. Sometimes, I gradually lose my erection during foreplay. Sometimes, I'm hard up until the point of vaginal penetration, and it's like an off-switch is pressed. Regardless, the ED occurs every time. With porn, however, my erections are always noticably stronger. I would say my erections with women feel 60-70% strength at best - compared to 95-100% with porn.

Day 11: No porn and no masturbation. I can't seem to wake up early these past few days/weeks, and it's killing my vibe. Other than that, I'm happy to still be fighting the battle to 90 days. Lately, I've been wondering a lot about whether my ED stems from performance anxiety or PIED. I'm still uncertain. Can't seem to get a consensus whenever I ask this question on Reboot Nation or Reddit NoFap. If I have performance anxiety, then maybe one pill of viagra (and one successful night of intercourse) can help me get over the hump and rewire my brain into expecting that I can have sex without issue. I've heard this one-time strategy works for others with history of ED.

I just paid $30 to do an email consultation with Noah Church (AddictedToInternetPorn.com). I'm hoping he can provide some unique insight regarding my personal situation.

My brain is constantly preoccupied with the prospect of online dating (since I'm not meeting new girls in public). I still feel uncertain about rebooting alone and just want to try to get my sexual energy out, even if it's just to meet new women and not escalate to sex yet. Unfortunately, I have a lot of non-ED-related reluctance to date right now, since I'm temporarily living at home with my mother. Doesn't help my already-handicapped self confidence.

Day 12: No porn and no masturbation. I started the day with a trip out with friends, and that allowed me to forget about my reboot for a good chunk of the day. Returned home and started on work projects. Today is better than yesterday, as far as worrying about my ED.

justin90210 said:

During your worst days how hard could you get an erection while suffering PIED? 20%, 30%, 50%?

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Gotta think about that one...

I'm probably more concerned with my inability to maintain erections rather than the strength of them. But if I give it some thought, my erections probably aren't as rigid during a hook up as they are when I'm masturbating or waking up with morning wood. Assuming the latter represents 100%, they maybe range during hook ups 30-75%? Probably because there are zero distractions when it's masturbation or morning wood. It all depends, though. Sometimes I'll have really strong erections just while i'm in public sitting with or talking with a date. The occasional awkward moments of hooking up, though, can sometimes contribute to weakening or temporary losses of erections.

Thank you for your interest.

It must be porn induced.
No novelty in regular sex.

Day 13: No porn and no masturbation. Thanks to everyone who has been commenting on my blog. I'm feeling a little less edgy today. Looking forward to being proactive and doing positive things today.

Keep up the good work mate. Porns fucked! If only they knew how many lives they're destroying!

Day 16: No porn and no masturbation. Well, yesterday proved quite difficult. Nursing a bad hangover, I spent most of the day in my bedroom, and I ended up spending a ridiculous amount of time browsing model pictures on Instagram while laying in bed or on my couch. This reinforces three notions for me: (1) I'm more addicted to porn than masturbation, (2) leaving the bedroom each day is dreadfully important to avoid relapses, and (3) heavy drinking is my worst trigger.

I'm hoping to be more productive today and ideally spend no time browsing sexual images online.

Alcohol is a trigger for me too. Or rather too much alcohol.  You not alone buddy. Just keep pushing, becareful with modeling pics etc. You might find yourself wanting something more exciting. We all know how it goes...

You're kicking ass keep it up. I read some of the above posts questioning whether you actually have PIED or if its just anxiety. To that I say: Who cares? Quitting porn is gonna improve your sexual performance anyway, quitting porn is gonna help you be more productive and care about life more, and if having a long streak under your belt makes you feel more sexually confident, it's gonna help any performance anxiety you have, even if its unconscious. So continue being awesome my friend. I'm rooting for you.

Day 17: No porn and no masturbation. So, I emailed Noah Church (AddictedToPorn.com) to get his insight, which costed a small fee. Last night, he responded and basically affirmed that I have PIED. I was overwhelmed with sadness after reading his email.

I don't understand why I let this problem persist for so long. I wasted 10 years of my life, and I will never get them back. I just wish I could have figured this out much earlier.

After reading Noah's email, I sent a long text to the last girl who I dumped because of my ED. It's bad enough that I did this to myself for all these years. But I hurt others in the process.

The silver lining, I guess, is that hearing Noah's opinion makes committing to hard mode a little easier (I hope). But whether this problem will take months or years to cure, I don't know. Thanks to everyone who is supporting me in this process. My disorder is real, and its effect on my life has been terrifying.

FixingMyPenis said:

You're kicking ass keep it up. I read some of the above posts questioning whether you actually have PIED or if its just anxiety. To that I say: Who cares? Quitting porn is gonna improve your sexual performance anyway, quitting porn is gonna help you be more productive and care about life more, and if having a long streak under your belt makes you feel more sexually confident, it's gonna help any performance anxiety you have, even if its unconscious. So continue being awesome my friend. I'm rooting for you.

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Thanks so much for your insight. Means a lot.

Day 18: No porn and no masturbation. Lately, I feel like my aversion to PMO is becoming a distraction and obsession. I've just felt very neurotic in the last few weeks. I mentioned in my last report that I got an email from Noah Church (AddictedToPorn.com) basically confirming my PIED. Since then, I've been coming out to some people in hopes that this will help me come to terms with my ED, but I feel like it's having a negative effect. The girl I came out to a few days ago didn't care and said she never wants to talk to me again. It's like the more I take ownership for my dysfunction, and communicate it to others instead of keeping it inside, the more I feel like I'm becoming defined by it.

In summary, these first 18 days have not been good. They've been worse than the beginnings of all of my other streaks, and that's concerning. I've also been searching for a full-time job in a new career, but with no luck. It's most definitely been a contributing stress factor. All things considered, I'm not going to cave into PMO today. Today, the anger I have with this situation just repels me from PMO. Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this. The messages go a long way, and I try to do the same. I can't believe I let this situation develop, and I empathize with the men and women who've found themselves in similar situations.