Let's try this.....

Hello all,

I have been a frequent reader over the past year of RN, YBOP but never actually posted anything. My history is similar to pretty much all of you who are in their early 40s (I am 43) so I will skip that part. One thing that might be different that a lot of the journal's entry I am reading here is I don't have any physical issues (eg ED...). I have been with my wife for 15 years and we have 3 kids, our sex life is very frequent & satisfying for both of us. But for some reason I always end up going back to the computer.

Now even though I do not have any physical issues and can confirm that my head is definitely messed up because of those +/- 30 years of porn. The fact that I don't have any issues physically I think plays against me because I don't have the "urgency" to do something about it. I have tried over the last year to reboot more or less seriously at times without any form of actual success. The longer I have gone without porn during that time was 13 days. Depending of what's going on in my life, sometimes I PMO once a day for a week and then go 3 weeks where I PMO 2 times each week. So the usage is sometimes more heavy than other times. But then again how do you really quantify when 1 time is 1 time too many.

There are 2 things that bothers me about this site that hopefully that will change by starting my own journal:
1) I sometime feel that when I come on this site and do some reading it actually act as a trigger which is kind of weird to say. I recall a few times where I went directly from RN to my usual porn sites and just started..... Again I am fully aware that (as I mentioned above) the seriousness of my reboot was not always there and didn't have the right "mindset".

2) I sometime feel not motivated when I see journal entries that were started 2 years ago and when you look at the counter it says PMO free since 2 days! I know it's a hard and winding road and relapses occur and you have to get back up on the saddle and all the clich? that goes with that.....but sometimes it can get depressing if you read anything else than the success stories section. 

These are the 2 things that I am currently worried about and I hope that the exercise of writing in my journal will help me out. I have been working on my mindset for a few days now and, like when I successfully quit smoking 10 years ago, I smoked my last cigarette this morning....that's it!

Regards,

Hi, thatsit. Welcome to the Nation.

Like yourself, physically speaking, my porn use and masturbation habits had little impact on my sexual experiences with my wife. I had no ED, nor PIED, though I would say that I had difficulty at times controlling when to orgasm- I used to relate this to my secret behaviors, even prior to RN.

Nonetheless, the urgency should be a lot deeper than whether ol' willy functions or not. We're deteriorating our intimacy with our wives, we're eroding who we are as moral people. We're creating a secret double-life that, one day our doppelganger self will eat us away from the inside, and leave us a mere shell of who we used to be. The guilt, the shame, all that weighing upon us. Most psychological problems are rooted in unresolved guilt or shame based thinking.

There are too many negatives to list, obviously. Do we want to continue contributing to an industry that treats women (and men), the beauty of God's creation, like garbage, like raw sewage? Sure, some women do seem to really enjoy it (or they're really good actresses), but so what? Why are we taking advantage of their daddy issues? Does that mean we're being real men, by our fantasized conquests? Aren't we supposed to be protectors?

Further, our growth is arrested, retarded because of our escapist behaviors. Our underlying issues go unanswered as we refuse to face and embrace real life, but instead hide behind pixelized fantasies. We deserve and owe it to ourselves to find healing from whatever it is we're masking from ourselves.

In my estimation, acting out even twice a week is highly frequent, even if it's not once a day. But, if you can affect this habit to where it's less- even down to once a week- you've made progress. Though our goal should be zero tolerance.

As for your two things:

1. I've wondered if this could be the case for some, being triggered by reading others journals. In a sense, the topic itself can be triggering even to discuss it. Before, I would avoid this- however, the mere avoidance strengthens the obsession. I'm a strong advocate in not thinking about this stuff all the time (the 'porn is not an option' mentality), but I balance this with keeping it as a focus in terms of striving for healthiness. It's paradoxical, I know- but works for me.

I would suggest that in starting your own journal, you'll give yourself a clear purpose as to why you're here. You'll know (as you learn yourself) what posts may or may not be triggering for you. Over time, your triggers themselves will change. The important thing with triggers is that you don't respond the same way to them, thus reinforcing your addictive neural pathways.

2. I know exactly what you mean! It's always important for me to see others progress, or if there's a lapse, to learn why and how- in concern for them, but also to learn my own behaviors and how to hack them. This being said by someone with no tracker under his signature! I do however track my progress ------> Here. This is a system that works for me, though I'll morph as needed.

Yes, in addition to reading others struggles, it's good- and was my initial primary focus- to read the successes of others.

I do hope you post here often, and you may write in my journal as well. Let's encourage each other. I have lots of links in my journal that may be of help. But, while determination will be highly important, stopping these behaviors is a little deeper than smoking cigarettes, but it is possible. But, it will take everything you've got. But, after a few months of effectively changing your habits and behaviors, it will get easier and easier.

My best wishes to you in your recovery efforts.

Leon.

Thanks for sharing brother. I 100% agree with Leon's last post. Take out a piece of paper and finish these sentences:

1. Reboot for me means....

2. My goals for reboot are to stop...

I admire your honesty which I learned was a key component to my own recovery. You shared two things that I'd like to highlight:

1. "I sometimes feel that when I come on this site and do some reading it actually act as a trigger which is kind of weird to say."

2. "I sometime feel not motivated when I see journal entries that were started 2 years ago and when you look at the counter it says PMO free since 2 days!"

If I may be so bold, these statements suggest that you're struggling to admit you have an addiction. I know because I've been there. Before hitting rock bottom and giving up porn for good on October 29, 2014, I adopted the "I can control it" or "It isn't that bad" or "I'll just watch porn one last time" method. It didn't work. There is a common thread with men who relapse here and yet keep coming back. It's the idea that "I don't have a problem because I'm in control." Once we accept that we have an addiction, can't control it, and ask for help we can start healing. That's what worked for me.

So what's my point? I think you're off to a good start my friend. While you're not experiencing "physical symptoms" or the ED that motivates most reboots, what you shared here struck me the most:

"The fact that I don't have any issues physically I think plays against me because I don't have the "urgency" to do something about it. I have tried over the last year to reboot more or less seriously at times without any form of actual success. The longer I have gone without porn during that time was 13 days."

If you can't go more than 13 days without something, that sounds like a very powerful and perhaps destructive addiction. If you don't have an addiction, it should be easy to give up. If it's not an addiction, then you shouldn't feel the need to hide it. I thought everything was fine in my life until the porn fog lifted and I realized I was in a broken marriage, had unhappy kids, and generally hated myself. So I'd echo Leon's excellent advice: define your reboot, set a goal, and then post about your journey here. I look forward to following your journey my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Yesterday I ended up doing something I wanted to do for sometime, I went for a run! Downloaded one of these running app and just went for it. I was exausted after but it felt good. 1st objective aiming for 5k in a few weeks. Will see how it goes.

Not much goin on oustide of that, becaus of my past history I know I can make it to 1 week without too much struggles. Looking forward (sounds weird to say it like that - but that is my approach) to that 7 day mark.

The only thing that gets me thinking right now is I am tryin to make a constant effort to keep the focus on what to do but don't get overly enthusiastic about it. It's like everything else I guess, you need to have the right balance.