Hey Raven. I am glad that you and your husband are in a better place than a year ago. I do see and understand your fears about the poly. I know that when it comes to feeling safe and secure it is really hard to find peace at times and everything feels so overwhelming, at least that is how I have felt time and time again. I will be praying for you.
As far as my future focus and our goals we are setting goals for us for this year both in our recoveries and in our business and with our kids and family. I am at a place where the concept of "recovered" is something I am finding I actually don't believe in. My husband feels the same way. He sees himself as always an addict, he is choosing to be a recovering one. Recovered insinuates that your done recovering, and neither of us believe that we will ever be done. There is always more to learn about yourself. I also think that even years down the road I may still have the occasional trigger. I am thankful that as I continue to put in the work the triggers are further apart. I am thankful for that. This process is a lot like grief, you never fully get over the loss you just learn how to live with the loss rather than have it consume you. At least that has been my experience.
As far at the "future focus" I mentioned. I have found that when I spend a lot of time thinking about the past I feel more hurt for what was, and what I realized was a lie, what we should have had, and all the other emotions that can take over. It really triggers my hurt, anger, and sadness. I tend to focus on my sadness when I think about the past and I have found for myself it is a spiral of destruction. I can't change the past. My husband is sorry, beyond sorry. He wishes he could change the past, we both do, but the past is the past. He is committed to trying and as long as he can do that than I am committed to him. Rather than dwelling on yesterday and letting my resentment build, I look forward. I look at what we are working toward. I look at the progress we have made and the direction we are going. I look at the dreams we have and what we hope to be. That give me hope, which is a much better place to dwell. I am hopeful for him, his progress, and our marriage. I am also hopeful for myself. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I once thought. I am learning more about who I am. I am learning how to love myself, something I don't think I have ever really done before. That is exciting.