Technology and Secrets

Hi everyone

I am new to the forum because I recently discovered my husband's porn addiction. There is very little communication between us on the topic and every time I bring it up he denies it and becomes overly aggressive. Since finding this out I noticed a new device logging into our Wi-Fi network that is the same cell phone he has but a different ip address. Its last activity is always right before I get home from work. Is he using a second cellphone or SIM card ? I'm not super tech savvy but something isn't right. Any advice ?

HoplessMrs said:

Hi everyone

I am new to the forum because I recently discovered my husband's porn addiction. There is very little communication between us on the topic and every time I bring it up he denies it and becomes overly aggressive. Since finding this out I noticed a new device logging into our Wi-Fi network that is the same cell phone he has but a different ip address. Its last activity is always right before I get home from work. Is he using a second cellphone or SIM card ? I'm not super tech savvy but something isn't right. Any advice ?

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It's a little strange that it's the same device name but a different IP. It's possible that it is actually his phone but it is being dynamically assigned its IP - which means it would appear different each time he logs in. That would result in different IPs appearing randomly. Have you noticed that when you are home with him, his cellphone is normally the same IP address every time? Is the second IP you found always the same IP? If the answer is yes to both of these questions, that would indicate that he might have another phone of the same make and model which he is using for covert activity.

Have you asked him about this second IP address?

I'm sorry you have recently discovered hidden porn use.  :-(

Is your WiFi network locked to where you have to have a password in order to access it? 

Sometimes when I log onto my network, I see my neighbor's networks in the neighborhood.  I can use them if they aren't password protected. A lot of people go around looking for unsecured networks and use them rather than pay for their own plan.  so, that might be a possible explanation.

What does your gut tell you?  I've been finding that my gut is the best source of information.  But it's not an exact instrument of course.

Hey there,

Yes our network is password protected and I noticed that the device in question was last active right before I get home from work. I've matched up all ip address on my network and this is either someone with the same phone he has hacking into our network or he has another device. I also found under  recent downloads a Samsung installation and updates as well as a recovery software. That wasn't on his desktop before. Idk what to do. I've confronted him but I'm currently experiencing your classic case of gaslighting. Everything gets turned around. Thank you for your responses

I?m sorry you?re going through all this. It?s frustrating to know what?s going on but not be able to prove it. If you feel able, I would say that the best attempt would be to stop focusing n the IPs and devices and just come outright and ask him directly if he?s been using porn. That way you can avoid being sidetracked by the nitpick-y details of what device was on what network at what time. The real issue is his porn use. Of course he can always deny. But at least you?ve given him the choice to be honest about it or to lie about it.

I understand your dilemma. Until he decides he has a problem and can see how his behaviour is negatively impacting on his life, he?ll carry on. Quitting for someone else never quite works unless the addict has his own selfish reasons to quit. Sometimes it can be the threat of losing his family but you?d be surprised that for many it won?t be reason enough. My husband quit after getting caught in a cycle of acting out and self loathing, and the consequence of his behaviour was isolation, so he was suffering in silence and I didn?t know. He was ready to quit at the point where I?d taken it for too long. I?d given up on trying to get him to quit because he just ignored me and carried on.

What is the most likely consequence of being determined to use porn? The sexual relationship will suffer. His sexual functioning will suffer. Through his secrecy and deception he will isolate himself from the relationship. He will get himself to a place where he can?t share things with his partner, not his failures to quit porn, not his loneliness and isolation or even mourn the loss of his most intimate relationship. That?s what happens. In one sense, they get exactly what they want through deception and secrecy, but the very same thing isolates and alienates them. If they?re smart enough they?ll figure it out. Most often they need their losses (or potential losses) shoved in front of them but chances are that to quit, they have to have had enough of feeling like shit.

If you get nowhere and need proof, that?s the time to go nuclear in your search for evidence but that?s another subject for another day!bGood luck, and let us know.

That way you can avoid being sidetracked by the nitpick-y details of what device was on what network at what time. The real issue is his porn use. Of course he can always deny. But at least you?ve given him the choice to be honest about it or to lie about it.

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I agree with Emerald B.  This is what I have been trying to do in order to keep myself sane and stay focused on the real issue.  When I go into detective mode, it activates a stress response that makes me feel really anxious. And then there is no real satisfying solution.

First off, thank you for having the courage and will to come forward and post. This is a great place to get some support, you don?t need to do this alone, many of us will be happy to message privately for a check in etc., just ask.

I agree that you should trust your gut but also to confront him directly. It may take a while before he realizes it?s time to face the truth, but you need to keep your perspective clear. His use isn?t ok. It is damaging. You aren?t a prude or crazy. It does hurt.

Take care...

How do you look that info up on WiFi and downloads just curious
I think a neighbor is hacked in ours.

Unfortunately,

I would say trust your gut and intuition.

You are probably right.

Thank you all for your support. I'm trusting my gut but the most valuable piece of advice was to not obsess over it. For two months it's consumed my life. Knowing he's lying and wanting to know why was literally taking up every bit of energy I had. There was a small break through. He did admit that he had been viewing porn weekly and hiding it but says he doesn't feel bad about it. "He's only a man" we are on the brink of divorce because I don't know that I can trust him. I'm trying to stay strong I want to save my marriage and help my husband if he'll let me.