Rebooting with a new girlfriend of 2 months

Gentlemen,

First off, I have to say this forum and yourbrainonporn.com has shed immense light on something I have secretly hid from everyone. And has caused me many dating issues including PIED, lack of confidence, sex drive ....etc. We all know what porn has done.

Reason I started.....well I got kicked back in highschool. Kids thought it would be funny to watch someone fall to the ground in complete pain and utter embarrassment. Well from there lets just say I had some damage. Major damage. I went on with my life thinking it would just be a normal part of my life until I decided to get the scar tissue taken care of. After this I shut down. Totally afraid to use my "Men" because I didn't want to do anything to them after my procedure. I went to my Dr. and was told to watch porn and MO to get used to using the "Men" again. Well I became addicted for 4 years or better.

My issue currently that I am seeking help for is I recently started dating this girl unlike any other I've dated. We clicked on multiple topics, likes and wants. She's sporty, independant, witty, sarcastic in a good way, very cute and extremely upfront and honest. Well one night after dinner and a concert she came to my place and it got hot and heavy. I started out ok and quickly failed. I stopped in complete embarassment. I told her it wasn't her but me. I didn't have an explenation for her at all.She was hurt, confused and mad at the same time. She asked if it was her or if she did something. I said no and we both fell asleep. Lets just say the next few days were rough.

I went and got help. I spoke to a Dr. that said look up yourbrainonporn.com and read it all. I went home and instantly went on. Boom! I light went on in my head and a weight of several worlds fell off my shoulder. It was the porn not my "Men"!!!

I asked my GF to come over and talk that I had something to share with her. She came over and we talked about everything. From me being kicked to the porn to my issue in bed. I told her about what I had started "The Reboot". She understood and said she wanted me to be comfortable talking to her. Well she became quiet and kind of distant. Unlike how we were the previous few weeks up until my horrible failure of a night. So, last night I sat with her and just asked what's up!? She explained shes very confused and taken back by the whole thing. She didn't know what to think. I told her that this was all my fault and that I am fixing it. She said she has never experienced this and just didn't know what to think.

My question to any of you is, 1) Has anyone else been through this with their GF? 2) How can I help her understand so she doesn't run away?

I appreciate any and all help!

Best,
Kw

You start this off with Gentlemen.  This is the partners of addicts area.  This is a lot for her to digest at the beginning of a relationship.  Give her time.  If you are with her, do not check out other women at all.  Go on dates with groups so you can get to know each other more.  As you refrain from porn, your personality will improve. 

I am sorry! I mistead the title thinking it was guys dealing with the issue while dating. Getting your viewpoint though is much appreciated. She mentioned she didn't want to stop seeing me, she just needs time and space to think.

Any thoughts on how to persue this?

Thank you!

Pursue*

"I went and got help. I spoke to a Dr. that said look up yourbrainonporn.com and read it all."

Refreshing to hear. Hopefully doctors are starting to get educated.

KW1989KW - Give her some time. The surprise of it all can be very unbalancing. She's got a new view she's going to have to adjust to (if she chooses to adjust). This kind of information calls into question for her - who you are personally, who you are in relation to women, and who you are as a human being. It's a lot to comb through and make sense of.

Best of luck to you in your recovery.

I really appreciate all of your help on this topic. It took a lot for me to just tell her. I am a very honest guy and wanted to be as straight forward as I could going into this relationship. I know it is a lot of info for someone to take in. It's still a lot for me to understand. I just figured that this is what people did (watch porn). Now seeing first hand the issue I will never go back.

I am disgusted knowing this has been the cause of most of my problems and am working to make a change. 20 days into my Reboot and I am already feeling better. I also took the information I found on YBOP.com to my Doctors to give to other men with the same issue I was facing. I want this to be heard and understood. 

In the meantime, I will give her space and see what happens. Hopefully this all works out for the best with her. I'm going to stay optimistic.

Best,

Kw

I also want to add that honestly is imperative. If you read the woman's journals and the discussions here the worst and most hurtful part is the broken trust. You have done a good job of opening up to her. Keep it up. Even if its scary. The most important part of a relationship is trust and once its broken, well all the partners here can tell you, its hell getting it back! Don't stop talking and stay open with her. You can even encourage her to come on here if things start to progress for you. That way she has a place to process everything. Keep up the good work! It is great to hear of someone being honest from the beginning.

It is really great to hear advice and encouragement from a different viewpoint. I have always said that honesty builds communication and communication builds trust. Without those most relationships do not last. I want to start this out right with my GF and build from there. If I can take anything out of this, it is that I am more confident in talking about the situation I put myself in.

I also want to say to all of the women, girlfriends and wives dealing with a partner addicted to or was addicted to porn, I give you immense credit and respect for being understanding and straightforward about the issue. I can't imagine what you all might be thinking or going through.

If any of you have a question for me, I would be more than willing to help you understand where my mind might be at in this process and how I can possibly help!?

Best,

Kw

I am in need of a little help!!

So I am going on a couple weeks since I told my GF about the issue I am having. Yes, we are talking a lot, but she doesn't seem to have the same want to be around me right now or to get intimate (Cuddle, lay next to me, makeout...anything).  I've asked about going out and she'd say she had something planned with a friend or was tired from a tournament. But, she still texts me everyday. We have conversations all day just about everything.

Any tips on how to go about this? I feel I am trying to give space, but it's also bringing me down because I am not sure what is going on.

Thank you,

Kw

Hey Kw, first off kudos for starting your reboot and being 100% honest with your partner. Now, my situation didn't come to light with my partner coming to me about porn, it was me seeking answrrs to our sex life, and boom my mind was flooded with information that instantly made sense to his actions and what an overload of information it was. I can only imagine that while it would be much easier the other way round as in your case (my situation has resulted in 2 years trying to convince my partner he has a porn problem, and him thinking I have a problem with porn). So, still in recerse, that information is still a lot to take in, absorb, understand and most of all realize it is a genuine problem. At the start when I spoke to my man about it 6 months after researching, learning, and understanding the problem, he said he would just stop. Now, I already knew from my research that that was highly unlikely and really not possible. But, she may be in a similar place, thinking if you just stop problem solved. If she has sort out info unlike my partner, she is probably trying to process it all. And that takes time. This whole recovery is a process and no one has the same path. We all share similar stories, but each is our own in different ways. Be patient.

@ chickaboomski,

Thanks for the reply! I appreciate it greatly. Unfortunately, my GF and I broke it off yesterday. We agreed to remain friends and to wade it all out. It was too much I feel for her to handle so soon in the relationship. I can understand that as much as it sucks and hurts. I did learn a few things though. One, being honest and communicating helped both parties immensely. I knew that I wasn't lying to her and that made me feel better and I'm hoping it helped her out too. Two, I was true to myself through the process and will remain that way until this is better. I want to be free of P forever and want to live a better life. Going on 46 days no MO and over 70 without P. It feels great.

I hope that your relationship with your partner in regards to this gets better. I can only say I wish I had someone to support me on my end through it because it is not easy. He is lucky to have you care so much!!
I know I got myself into it and I will get myself out of it. A partner just helps!!

Stick with it and I wish you the best.

ImOnMyWay

Ok, I am reaching out to you ladies because I need a different view point on how I am feeling. I feel as if my issue was the result of my breakup and as soon as I discussed it with her she became very distant and now gone. The day I told her, her exact words were; "You are already the perfect guy, who would I be to walk away from you for this reason. I am not all about just the physical side of things!" This whole thing has made me feel awful and confused. This was one of the most difficult things to tell someone and I am a bit hurt thinking I had her support. I really wanted to show her she meant something to me. I wish my actions, personality and the overall person I am outside of the bedroom outweighed my issue. Has dating become so much about the sex and less about the person and the realness of a relationship???

I am of course still in my reboot and going strong. That will not change. I appreciate any support.

ImOnMyWay

first off I am very sorry about your hurt. Break up always hurt no matter the reason. So for that I am truly sorry. Second you can't know exactly what or why she left. There is usually more than meets the eye when it comes to these things. I don't think it is as simple as your personality wasn't enough but more that there was probably more going on for her than you realized. Part of the problem was that she choose not to share that openly. A relationship cannot survive without honesty. If one partner is hurting and doesn't tell the other then how is the other partner supposed to help and support? I know that she is probably an amazing person and you never know what the future holds but at this point she might not be ready for the same level of commitment that you are ready for, as shown my the lack of communication. Hang in there. You be you. Pour into your recovery and finding out who you are and what brings you joy and Pursue that. The right person will come along with shared interest and you can be a support and encouragement to each other. Give it time. I know it hurts now but wounds do heal if we look to the future and allow them the needed time.
Much love to you!

@ aquarius25

This is exactly what I needed to hear!! I truly appreciate the kind words. You are absolutely correct about the communication part. Hearing this puts my mind at ease a bit. You 100% need communication to help each other out and without it.... how do you know what to do!? And you're right, she may be going through something I just have no clue of and she's not ready for a committed relationship. I feel I put too much blame on myself for the relationship not working and not enough on the situation or the relationship as a whole. I always think about what I could have done better and it drives me nuts. I just need to refocus and move towards the bigger picture.

Thank you for your support. It meant a lot!

ImOnMyWay

Hello all,

I have not posted on this forum in a while, but I wanted to share some things and maybe get a little guidance from you!

So, my reboot has been going really well. I stuck true to my want on recovery and I am starting to see some great results. It really is working. I have had some bumps in the road, but have overcome them and moved on.

The last time I posted on this topic was last March and would you look at that its almost a year already. When I first posted here I had been with someone who had parted ways with me. Well, about two months ago she contacted me apologizing for how she treated me and that I didn't deserve what she had done. She said she was really sorry and wanted a chance to talk a bit and hang out. So we have. Almost 2 months now. While talking over the last couple months she had mentioned she had dated someone over the summer and they had broken up. No problem I can understand it. But we now talk almost every day about everything and have hung out with each other multiple times even spending New Years Eve together and our dogs. We had horderves, made dinner and she brought dessert. Just as friends for now! On her way out on New Years she gave me a card and in it was another apology and how she values our friendship. She left me with a hug and an I'll text you when home.

Now, I distinctively remember her saying when we broke up last March that she felt we were not close friends and really didn't know much about each other when we parted. She felt that was the reason for us not working out. Now, I feel like we are becoming closer than before and on a much different level. We are not forcing anything. It's just very casual and relaxed. Now here's where I am stuck! I know I have feelings for her. And I think she does for me, but I feel we are both holding back. I don't want to rush anything and cause for us to part ways again. I truly love spending time with her. Should I communicate my feelings or allow things to just happen? I want to give her space, but also let her know my feelings at a more appropriate time.

Let me know your thoughts.

Much appreciated,

ImOnMyWay