New Journal

Hi All,

Think I'll keep this post short and sweet.  I've been on this forum a couple of times before, and have used several other things in my journey to get free of P, icluding recovery groups, 12 step and otherwise, and therapy.

I have definitely made progress- I would say I was a real chronic addict.  If I had an internet connected screen in front of me, I would find it almost impossible not to look at P.  I would look at it in public libraries, where I am writing this now.  In cafes.  At work.  I am lucky - very lucky, frankly, - not to have lost my job because of it.  I PMO'd at work many times.  These days, I have good enough boundaries never to look at P in a public place, and only very infrequently do my other worst P related habit, which is to stay up all night watching it, even when I have work the next day.  it is still a regular part of my week however - I might watch it two or three times a week.  This can sometimes be for hours at a time, which leaves me feeling just awful afterwards.

The reason I am back now, however, is that I have just moved in with my girlfriend.  She is great by the way - she knows about my problem, is understanding about it, and gently encouraging of my efforts to change it.  She uses kind humour rather than anger and shame in talking about it, which actually really helps. So it feels, frankly like this new situation is an opportunity to kick the old habit for good.

My commitment at the moment is to come to this site for around 30 minutes whenever I am on the computer by myself this week, to reflect on my habits, patterns and triggers and see how I can change them.

Be great to have companionship on the journey, and feedback, but I won't promise to respond to every suggestion people make.  Hope you won't take offence at that, but bear in mind I have been round the block on this issue a few times.  I don't really see the point of rehashing conversations I have had dozens of times about what I have tried/not-tried and what 'The One and True Path of All Spiritually-Enlightened Non-PMO'ers' is....I basically want this blog to be a true non-bullshit account of what is happening for me on this issue day to day, so that I can work out how to deal with triggers, and I also want this journal to be a source of both giving and recieving encouragement from others.

I think I have made a good start in deciding to come to the library to do computer work today.  Last week I got really triggered working at home on my own, and PMo'd three times in a day.  So this is progress!  Onwards and upwards!

Didn't have the best start to the day, as I looked at P after my girlfriend went out.  However, I stopped before I MO'd and came to do some work.

I think part of the reason I am writing this journal is that I know I have fallen into some bad habits since I was last working on this stuff.  I know that certain things are triggering and best avoided.  Reading the newspapers on my phone, or just generally using it for leisure at the beginning of the day is a bad idea as one thing leads to another, I start to get triggered, and the phone is right there in my hand...

Silly thing is, I don't really need my phone early morning - if I want to chill and read for a bit there are plenty of good books at home!

So one thing I am going to do in this journal is create a list of do's and donts that I will write into each post every day to keep me on the straight and narrow.

• 
  I will not look at my phone in the morning before work; If I want some chill time I will read a book or watch TV instead.

So I think one thing I am

Oh, and one more thing for the list:

-I will not look at my phone in the morning before work; If I want some chill time I will read a book or watch TV instead.
- I will text a friend who is an ally with me in this every 30 minutes if I am working on my computer alone at home.

So that list of actions so far, one more time, with one addition.

- Not to look at the phone in the mornings; to read/watch T.V. instead
- To text a friend when I am going to use the computer in a private space every 30 minutes to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work in a public space as much as possible, most likely the library (I have several great ones nearby).

So far, day 3 is going great.  I have done some work from home this morning, and made myself accountable to my friend.  I did start to surf the internet on my phone earlier, but stopped quickly and read a book instead.

Feeling pretty good about this whole thing - alot calmer working on the computer, now  I have some boundaries in place!

Hi all,

Had a chilled P-free weekend.  Alot of it keeping my partner company who is poorly.  Did a day's meditation retreat too - which always helps me.  One or two fantasies passing through my mind now and again but nothing major, and did not act on them.

Those actions again:

- Not to look at the phone in the mornings; to read/watch T.V. instea
- To text a friend when I am going to use a computer in a private space every 30 minutes to make myself accountale
-To do my computer work in a public space as much as possible, most likely in the library (I have several great ones nearby).

What a difference a few days make - one way or the other!

I was feeling and doing great on Monday when I last checked in.  The good thing about being back on this site is that at least I notice my patterns...and the last few days...oh dear.  I let myself look at P p images on my phone for 20 mintues or so on Tuesday, which wasn't great, but I didn't MO.  Which will give me a new action to add to my list below - you'll see when we get there.

On Wednesday, I just basically gave myself permission to PMO.  I had a free morning, I was a little hungover (which doesn't happen very often, but it is triggering when it does), and I just basically didn't have the commitment to getting free of this to stop myself.  I think I can sometimes drift into feeling confused about if I am trying to stop for good or just reduce my use a lot.  Well, either would be good, but I know in reality for me once I start it can be hard to stop.  I basically spent the whole day doing it till I had to go out in the afternoon for work!  I didn't even have time to wash up breakfast or make lunch.

I PMO'd again this morning.  I was way too lax in keeping my boundaries about using my phone in the morning.  And was obviously still triggered from yesterday.

What can I say?  Overall, this has slowly been getting better for me, but I am nowhere near out of the woods yet.

That action list again:


- Not to look at my phone in the mornings.  To read/watch T.V. instead
-To text a friend when I am going to use a computer at home or in another private space every thirty minutes to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work in a public space as much as possible, most likely in the library
And a new one:

-To think anytime I am about to use my phone for entertainment whether that is my best option really, truly, or if something else would be better.  Most of the time surfing the web/playing games on my phone just makes me feel restless anyway...

Have been keeping all my boundaries and it seems to be helping.  Found alternative activities to getting on my phone quite alot.  Have come to the library to work this afternoon.  Just being alive to what triggers me really helps.

Those actions again:

-Not to look at my phone in the morning.  To read/watch T.V. instead.  Trevor Noah is becoming a breakfast favourite!
-To text a friend when I am going to use a computer at home or in another private space every 30 minutes to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most probably the library.
-To think every time I am about to use the web on my phone if it is really and truly the best option - often it drains me and there are other things I could do which would be more energising and rejuvanating.

Anothertry, I was wondering how you brought up your PMO habit to your girlfriend. How did she react? How scary was it for you to disclose that? Does she get angry or hurt at your P use now?

Also, is your ultimate goal to go PMO-free, or just reduced?

Wishing you the best. You provided a lot of support to me.

Hi Detente,

I am lucky to have a partner who is incredibly supportive and understanding.  She does sometimes get a little upset that I use P - in as far as that can have an effect on our sex life, but I think we both value what we have enough for it not to be a make or break kind of issue.

We talked about P before I confided I had an addiction issue.  I think one thing that makes it easier  between us is that part of her really likes that I have dirty fantasies!  However that can be kind of confusing for me in working out how I personally feel about PMO.  Her lack of judgement can feel liike permission. We have a very open and honest relationship and have talked about all this.

I do know that the right path for me is being PMO free.  Ultimately, I know that that is best - deep down.

However, that does not mean I can't be persuaded sometimes by those inner voices that I think all addicts have somewhere that says the occasional glimpse won't hurt....

I also find it more useful to celebrate successes than berate myself for failures.  So if I am using less, I am going to celebrate that - even if I realise it is not the ultimate goal.

By the way - not sure if you are asking about dislosing as this is an issue for you too?  If so, I would think carefully about it, and if possible, get advice from someone who knows both you and your partner well (may be tricky, I know...).  I think the right thing to do really depends on the nature of each relationship.  I wasn't completely honest with my previous partner (she knew I had an addiction I was working on, but did not know the full truth).  To be honest, I'm not sure it would have been a good thing for either of us if I'd told her.

Good to hear from you again - hope you're doing ok!

All the best...

General update - I have been doing well over the weekend.  Partner around alot which helps.

Although actually, right now, she has stepped out for a few hours whilst I work - so I will take my action of texting a friend every 30 minutes whilst I am online.

Those actions again:

-Not to look at my phone in the mornings before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead
- To text a friend when I am going to use a computer at home or in another private space every 30 minutes to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work as much as possible in another public space, probably in the library.
-To think every time I am going to use my phone to get on the web if it is really truly the best option, or if something else would be more rejuvanating!

Onwards and upwards!

Good stuff, A.  You might consider a porn block, or since you have a partner who is not cool about porn, a porn reporter like CE.  If my wife gats a shady report, she starts the conversation by blowing up the room I?m in.  It goes downhill from there.

Hey Seneca,

Not sure my partner is quite on the same page as yours!  She might be as likely to check out the sites herself to see what I am fantasizing about as to shout at me!  I am not convinced porn blockers have ever worked for me, but in the UK we also have the option of making porn unavailable by ticking an option from your internet service provider.  As I say, I've always managed to find loopholes in the past...but I am considering it.

General update - so I am still on the straight and narrow.  Boundaries really helping.

On that note I both want to celebrate something and put a shot across my bow.

Getting up this morning I was tempted to surf the web on my phone.  I knew it would be safe, as my partner was around.  But I also know keeping rigid boundaries around this really helps me.  I mostly PMO on my phone, and when I am surfing the web, it often doesn't make me feel v.good - and I am only ever a few finger presses away from doing something that will make me feel much better (for a while at least).  Anyway, long and short of it, I stayed off my phone in bed this morning!

Only thing is, later on I got into surfing a bit unconsciously...and probably in way it is best I avoid.

Oh well - at least I recognise that, and for now I am still safe and PMO free.

So, those actions again:

-Not to look at the phone in the morning before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead
-To text a friend every 30 minutes if I am going to use the computer at home or in another private space to make myself accountable
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most likely the library (although right now I am sitting in a lovely fancy coffee shop.  They really make a good cappucino here!)
-To think every time I am about to use my phone to get on the web if this is really the best option right now, or if something else would be more rejuvanating, and probably, more productive too!  (This is such an important one to crack - I think if I can that will by itself go along way to keeping me PMO free most days!)

That's great Anothertry. I'm glad she's understanding, especially about the fantasies. Does she ever look at porn herself, or the both of you together?

Awesome that you're taking a positive approach and celebrating successes. I think I've read elsewhere that the black-and-white, shaming approach doesn't work for you.

For me, I don't think I would disclose this issue without any prompting. I don't think right now it's a huge issue for me, and it's all been when I've been single. When I've been in relationships, I haven't looked at porn as far as I remember. If porn came up, I'd be honest and say that it's not harmless and that I had some issues with it and stopped (like how people say "I realized I was drinking too much" and stopped, even if not full alcoholics).

Anothertry said:

Hi Detente,

I am lucky to have a partner who is incredibly supportive and understanding.  She does sometimes get a little upset that I use P - in as far as that can have an effect on our sex life, but I think we both value what we have enough for it not to be a make or break kind of issue.

We talked about P before I confided I had an addiction issue.  I think one thing that makes it easier  between us is that part of her really likes that I have dirty fantasies!  However that can be kind of confusing for me in working out how I personally feel about PMO.  Her lack of judgement can feel liike permission. We have a very open and honest relationship and have talked about all this.

I do know that the right path for me is being PMO free.  Ultimately, I know that that is best - deep down.

However, that does not mean I can't be persuaded sometimes by those inner voices that I think all addicts have somewhere that says the occasional glimpse won't hurt....

I also find it more useful to celebrate successes than berate myself for failures.  So if I am using less, I am going to celebrate that - even if I realise it is not the ultimate goal.

By the way - not sure if you are asking about dislosing as this is an issue for you too?  If so, I would think carefully about it, and if possible, get advice from someone who knows both you and your partner well (may be tricky, I know...).  I think the right thing to do really depends on the nature of each relationship.  I wasn't completely honest with my previous partner (she knew I had an addiction I was working on, but did not know the full truth).  To be honest, I'm not sure it would have been a good thing for either of us if I'd told her.

Good to hear from you again - hope you're doing ok!

All the best...

Click to expand...

Hi Detente - what you say about your own aproach to this issue makes alot of sense to me.  And to answer your questions....I wouldn't want to use P as part of my partner's and my sex life.  Let's just say that as far as the exact relation between our sex life and my P-related fantasies go...it is a bit of ongoing work for me, and I have some questions I am working on about what I am comfortable with, but this is not something I am willing to discuss on this forum for now.  Maybe one day - but for now I want to focus on putting some distance between me and PMO, to have that front and centre, to be honest.  As I get more time free of it, other issues may be foregrounded...

I also want to say that I feel a bit cautious about saying much about my sex life, as obviously, I have decided to come on here but my partner has not (although she knows I use an online forum).  I feel a bit uncomfortable about disclosing things that would reveal to people intimate facts about her too....

Keep up the good fight!

AT.

So,  general update -

I am PMO free since my last update, although I suspect that's partly because I have had things to occupy me these last few days.  I had a friend visit who I accompanied on a tour of a hospital where he had spent a long time recovering from an operation in childhood - we spent the whole day together!  Pretty emotional.  The day after I had a medical test myself (nothing major, just a precautionary check on my lungs because I had a cold that lasted for weeks and weeks and weeks last year without abating), but a side effect of the test, was being tranquilised all day and then having a raging fever all night!

I got to sleep eventually, and actually feel pretty good today.

One thing I have been reflecting on, is that if I don't come to this forum for a couple of days, and I only come on when I am doing computer work, my motivation not to PMO decreases.  I have been wondering what I could do on those days that would keep the motivation going?  Not sure how to answer this question right now, partly because I am also very forgetful and having too many rules to follow for what I do in each situation is a) hard to remember b) Very stressful, as I put alot of effort into trying to remember and therefore c) in itself becomes a trigger to want to PMO as I feel really stressed!

Oh well - maybe I'll figure something out.  Writing this here in itself may be enough to trigger a creative thought to bubble up from my unconscious (he suggests to himself...).

Wish all you fine people a happy easter/ good yom tov/any other greeting that may be appropriate on this bank holiday weekend!

AT.

Those actions again:

- Not to look at my phone in the mornings before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead
-To text someone every 30 minutes if I am going to use the computer at home or in another private space to make myself accountable
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most likely in the library.
-To think every time I am about to use my phone for leisure, if this is really the best thing to do, or if something else would actually be more useful, more fun, or more rejuvanating!

Hi Anothertry

It's late for me now, I've had a couple of beers and I'm tired.  Just logged on before going to bed and wanted to say well done to you.

It's progress, that's what counts.

Keep going.  Happy Easter.

P.

Thanks P - much appreciated.

General update - still PMO free.

Hard to resist looking at my phone this morning as I posted something on Facebook last night that I was really curious about people's replies to.  I did check - I probably should have resisted to stay strong.  I was sitting nest to my partner whilst doing it though, so was pretty safe.

I am generally doing well.  I am noticing that post-sex I can sometimes feel a bit triggered to look at P.  However, on the basis of this morning's evidence, that desire does seem to be getting fainter...

Those actions again:

-Not to look at my phone in the mornings before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead.
-To text a friend every 30 minutes if I am going to use my computer at home or in another private space to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most likely the library
-To think every time I am about to use my phone for leisure if this is really he best thing to do, or if there is something else that would be more useful, fun or rejuvanating instead!

Hey all,

General update - did not quite make it through yesterday.  Think I got a bit unboundaried and overconfident with my girlfriend around alot over the easter weekend, and did not keep all my boundaries, including texting a friend if I was going to be on the internet at home.

Well, my girlfriend was out, I decided to put that boundary in place....but I also decided to PMO before I did so.  Oh well, it was only for an hour, and I am back on track today.  Also, I lasted 10 days, which is the longest I can say for a long time...Finally, in terms of an optimistic take (and I do feel optimistic right now) I recalled, even whilst doing it, how bad I felt a few weeks ago when I gave many hours over several days to PMO.  I know I don't want to feel that bad again.
=

Those boundaries again:

Those actions again:

-Not to look at my phone in the morning before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead
-To text a friend every 30 minutes if I am going to use my computer at home or in another private space, to make myself accountable
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most likely the library.
-To think every time I am about to use my phone for leisure if this is really the best thing to do, or if there is something else that would be more useful, fun or rejuvanating instead!

General update - PMO free since I last wrote.  Haven't been on computer since then.  Had a nice family day Monday, and a lot of meetings on Tuesday.  Also made some time on Sunday to talk to my accountability partner with the texts, which was nice.  We hardly ever talk these days.

Today I am working from home whilst waiting for some deliveries...I will head out to the library if I get even an inkling of feeling triggered to PMO, but I seem pretty ok at the moment, and have the boundary in place of texting someone every half hour to let them know what I am doing.

Those actions again:

-Not to look at my phone before work.  If I have some leisure time to read/watch T.V. instead. (Watched an hour long video about my favourite game Go this morning; which was possibly a little lazy, but at least in line with my boundaries)
-To text a friend every 30 minutes if I am going to use a computer at home or in another private space, to make myself accountable.
-To do my computer work as much as possible in a public space, most likely the library (not sure if I am being too lenient on myself with this today...but will remain vigilant, and reinforce extra strongly if it fails for even a moment of glimpsing at P)
-To think every time I am about to use my phone for leisure if this is really the best thing to do, or if there is anything else that would be more useful, fun or rejuvanating instead!