Update on my pathetic humiliating life

it was stupid but my grad school recommended law enforcement jobs. So at 55 and as a very fit guy, ok. The fitness workouts they offer for free on two days of the week was good for me and I did well. It ended in flames. Backgrounds, had to lie about me and that's what they did to get rid of me. No complaints on the men/women in the field, but I have a few things I could say about the Police backgrounds panel. Its over. 
Anyway, it all failed, no other job prospects, just a $12/hr night job. I cannot pay back my student loans with this job.
prayer has failed so many times over this last 8 years of unemployment and I have no other plans. Depression prompted me into porn again. This time from Pinterest.
So, I decided before things got really out of control, to delete Pinterest for awhile so my habits are retrained. So far so good.
sex with my wife has been...really boring so she doesn't help. So with a pathetic job and respect from my wife and kids is that I'm a dweeb with a dweeb job. God is ignoring me and life for me is ruined and I am a pathetic girly man who has been humiliated by 8 years of joblessness which generates a downgrade of masculinity everywhere. so last week I took notice of the explicit pics I was seeking on Pinterest and I am withdrawing from it all and that's it. So tiny pathetic job, sex is...so boring I have erectile problems and she is ignorant of the problem. I cannot say anything in the house without her rewording my own sentences, I get scolded by her and the kids including my adult children, will not take any advice from me. So the low self-esteem in me generated porn desires. In my depression, I see this and am not wanting to be enslaved again to porn viewing.
So I live with depression. I do not want to live anymore, but I have kids and they sort of keep me alive, especially my 14 year old daughter.
That's it for now. Hope this small bit of info helps someone.

I?m sorry you?re going through this Olaf. I was in one of the lowest places I have ever been just a few days ago. Today I?m in a much better place. Time helps. Hang in there!!

This too will pass.

If you admit first to yourself all the possible reasons of your failures, as you did here, you already made the two first important steps towards freedom, Olaf. I am myself 57 and I know how difficult is to find a job. However, the first step is to care for ourselves: when we gain again our confidence in ourselves we can become reliable to others, e.g. employers. And to live PIED-free is maybe the most important move we can do towards gaining this self-confidence.
Do not give up  !

it is the failed career/job thing that started the low self-esteem! Not to condescend, but time will not heal, its been 8 years since I had a good paying job. My job now pays $12/hr! Plus the free pre academy I attended, injured my arm. I can still use it, but its a torn bicep. 

anyway, yeah freedom from PMO...but I usually edged...now I look at nothing...i'm concerned about my wife blaming me 100% for her low sex desire.
for now, I'm writing a book about my mentally ill daughter. so far its 12000 words.
staying up late to do some writing. no porn. 

Have you considered that you might have depression for other reasons along with PMO?  Also, is there anything you can do to bring a little positivity or creativity into your life.  Writing is great but the subject matter sounds a bit gloomy.  I'm not suggesting you should stop doing it, but is there anything else you can do to give you a sense of confidence, achievement or positivity?  Even if it's just meditating for 10 minutes a day it might help.

One other thought.  I've just been listening to Roger Federer win the Australian Open.  He's the oldest player on the tour by a long way and he had a barren spell of four or five years when he couldn't win at all.  He didn't give up.  He kept going.  He worked on his game.  He came back.

Don't give up. 

olafthewise,

your words are your guidance.

they are NOT a reflection of who you are, but they are a indication of the destination you desire to be.

That's why strong motivating words are all that you MUST HAVE
I am the best
My life is the best
I am able and can achieve.

It is impossible to have a perfect life, and to want one is self defeating.
But to be happy and grateful for whatever we have right here right now at this moment is the key ingredient of a contented life.

Dont wallow in self pity
i've been there myself
and it serves not one and hurts only ourselves.
Only strength delivers.

Please change the words and language in your life
Start by changing the title of your log.

If happiness is what you seek, start by talking only about happiness you will have.
Start by making your words and language work for your pride and benefit.

Take care my friend.

Hi Olaf

                        Welcome to the forum  You have taken a good first step in admitting you have a problem.  I found reading and learning here that the problems can be overcome as well as underlying issues that may have caused our addictions.  I look back over the last 30 years and saw myself  all the way through telling myself  I shouldnt be doing this  it makes me less of a man  exc  and over the last 7 or 8 months  I found myself while I was driving alone in my car  and the  thought of porn came to my mind  I would just say to myself  in a really strong voice out loud  "I DONT NEED IT ANYMORE"  sometimes over and over  and "I'm going to have a better life somehow"  I will do it    and I think it slowly etched itself into my mind  that I really dont    I would think about the friends and family I respected and think they cant be doing this....    I came to that conclusion based on how they fill their time  and I now know  that in order to do the things they do  they could not be hooked on porn  There is just no time for it

      Read lots  learn about the problem as you fight it    knowledge is power in this fight    Good luck  I'll be reading your pots  and  standing by  you with any help I can give

                          Cheers

                      Post often it helps me it helps you

Welcome back Olaf! Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly my friend. Here is your first post from November 2014:

1. Hello, I am 52, unemployed, 8 kids (some adopted) ages 25-11 years, several are special needs. Wife of 29 years of marriage who still looks slender and attractive.

2. I have quit porn many times...I feel no sinful guilt when viewing porn. It is wrong, but easily can be remedied through my wife's actions. But she has no idea how great things could be with us if she was there for me sexually.

And recently:

1. It was stupid but my grad school recommended law enforcement jobs. So at 55 and as a very fit guy, ok. The fitness workouts they offer for free on two days of the week was good for me and I did well. It ended in flames. Backgrounds, had to lie about me and that's what they did to get rid of me.

Question: What exactly happened?

2. Anyway, it all failed, no other job prospects, just a $12/hr night job. I cannot pay back my student loans with this job. Prayer has failed so many times over this last 8 years of unemployment and I have no other plans.

Bravo for finding work although I'm sorry it doesn't pay very well.

3. Depression prompted me into porn again. This time from Pinterest. So, I decided before things got really out of control, to delete Pinterest for awhile so my habits are retrained. So far so good.

Congratulations on choosing to live porn-free. Do you have a specific goal in mind this time round?

4. Sex with my wife has been...really boring so she doesn't help. So tiny pathetic job, sex is...so boring I have erectile problems and she is ignorant of the problem. I cannot say anything in the house without her rewording my own sentences, I get scolded by her and the kids including my adult children, will not take any advice from me. So the low self-esteem in me generated porn desires. In my depression, I see this and am not wanting to be enslaved again to porn viewing.

I'm sorry that you're suffering my friend but you're not alone. Question: are you now committed to a certain amount of time porn-free? Do you have a previous record you plan to beat?

You and I have exchanged messages/posts during our time here and I was often too critical/aggressive so I'd like to apologize for that. I just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you brother and look forward to your next update. Be well! Love lyon03.

ok, to explain things, I tried a couple of law enforcement jobs and one (a city jail job), they said that I lied when I forgot to include a small college I attended 30 years ago. So these days if you actually forget a small detail in a police background form, that you don't see or mention any more, then its a lie and you are dishonest. I kid you not!

Sheriff application was really about some incident involving my wife when we first met and then my reluctance to include it since I cannot remember details......I should not have mentioned it...my bad....so this of course translates into a dishonest and risky employee. Um...???..................yeah. so its over. I appealed it but so far they have not responded.

NEW ME; I took to prayer, as I should, I promised God I would really get rid of all explicit pics and movies of any kind and to double my efforts to do so even though I don't look at porn 99% of the time...God wants it all, so...
          I  My wife has had pain with sexual intercourse and has been a very disrespectful wife and we had it out several times recently and so we fight. Its all good. She then got some special hormone cream for her sexual pain. It actually works. then last month heard it causes cancer so stopped its use. Also, she may have a certain disease associated with lyme or possibly something else and has been supplementing to treat it. This caused her some sickness and discomfort at each treatment level.

She then found a natural hormone cream or supplement...I can't recall the details...but the new vaginal treatment is...well....it....makes her real horny...uh...wants orgasm frequently. In last week of 7 days, we had sex 5 times...one day she had two orgasms, a thing that's hasn't happened since she was in her late twenty's!!
Anyway, I need supplements myself to keep up with her. Impotence issues for me.
Listen, guys; I cannot necessarily say that I'm a hero for ditching porn and all manner of explicit material. Age is also a factor, so is  understanding the science behind "your brain on porn." Changing my habits by picking new or legit types of brain stimulus, etc.

On job and money; money is short. I blew up my 2013 hybrid Hyundai...shot the piston right through the bottom. (??!!) Needs new engine. Tax return will more than pay for it, but no extra car for last two weeks as we wait for tax return!
Job presently is night security, $12/hr. I went and paid for the armed permit class and then I can get a better paying security job. I could try to apply for other police jobs but as a 55 year old (who is in great fitness shape), police agencies are still reluctant to hire older officers and will adjust their background investigations to do so AND all the agencies share background info now so they would all know if I was disqualified somewhere. So its not worth the travel time and effort. I am attempting to get a really good paying security job now. That is the goal and I am working on it. We are doing foster care again...just got our license for it. Each child is about $1000/mo. it all adds up.

That's it for now. Realize that my intentions of gaining the Lords favor and blessing because I THINK I deserve it has become the story of my life. His favor is all that I can hope to gain through my responsibility HE has given me. I don't like it but I am not the one who is in charge am I? I'll check back here and let you guys know how I'm doing. work tonight is 11:30PM...got coffee?   

Hi, Olaf.  I'm 5Dawgs.  Reading your story, it's clear that you have a lot going on in your life that fuels your depression.  I've suffered depression and anxiety most of my life.  Medication is a must for me.  Counseling has helped a little, but it's not a consistent thing. 

This doesn't work for everyone, but it's something that's worked for me:  Gratitude.  I know, I know, you've probably heard that before.  But I just know that it has helped me turn things around more times than I can count.  Some things I caught in your posts:

• You're fostering children despite your financial condition.  That is AMAZING!  I'm in awe of that, and I recognize that, regardless of your income, you are a much stronger man that me.
  
  You're marriage is not what you want it to be, but you do have a partner, a companion, when so many others are lonely.  That's not meant to make you feel guilty, it's just to encourage you to be thankful that you have a starting point to build upon, and there is always a reason to hope.
  
  You are healthy and fit at an age when the majority of guys are declining.  And I suspect that is not by accident.  Be proud of that!
  
  Despite your relapses, you are strong enough to pick yourself up and start again. 
  
  Also despite your relapses, you are bold enough the share your failures and inspire others here who are also struggling. 

My suggestion: 

• Write down 2 lists.  One of all the things you are thankful for, and one of all the things you want to change.
  
  For each thing you want to change, make a list of ideas, steps, action items you can do to bring about the change.  (No doubt some you are already doing.)
  
  Begin working those action items daily, but do so while DETACHING YOURSELF FROM THE OUTCOME!  Just do what you know you need to and can do WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT THE RETURN.  Focusing on what you NEED instead of what you can DO breeds impatience, frustration, doubt, discouragement, disappointment, and sadness.  All things that will hold you back and make it difficult or impossible to DO what you NEED to do in order to HAVE what you NEED to have.

I'm sure there are things you can add to those suggestions (prayer, meditation, affirmation, etc.).  But for me, focusing on what I CAN DO, right here, today, right now, and then repeating it tomorrow, is the most essential starting point.

I hope this helps.  Be well and press on, brother.