57yo

Hi everybody!

This is my personal journal, and being aware of being in the extreme upper tip of the age range I prefer to stress this circumstance in the title. I think that age matters for reboot, as well as health, cultural constraints and psychological attitude.

My story is similar to many others I read here. I am P-addicted since 10 years, and a consumer of porn since longer. However, only the Internet addiction really had a negative effect on my sexual performances. I am divorced since ten years, had few girlfriends during this time. Few months ago I started a remote relationship with a woman for whom I seriously fell in love, and it was mutual. To make a long story short, we met 4 times, never for more than one week. The last time was over New Year, for four days, during which I NEVER was able to get hard. Few days after her departure she left me, and I started the reboot (adding to the day calculation also the days while we were together, during which I did not see any porn).

Today is my day 13 after reboot, and I decided to start this journal, strictly following the guidelines. This also means that I will only update it when I will see some changes, either progress or regressions.

Why I want to try rebooting? I came into this forum by accident, googling something like "porn erectile disfunction". I had before some suspicion that M was the cause of my lack of sensitivity, but after the disaster with my last girlfriend, whom I really liked very much, I decided that time had arrived. I am agnostic, thus I never felt any shame or sinful in looking into porn.  Sex is just for me a tool to reach a communication with your loved half. I used internet porn mostly out of boredom and lack of sense of accountablity, which for me are the real sins.

However, I realise that Internet can give other forms of addictions which, following the reasoning of the videos, should also induce low dopamine levels. Think of social media, like forums and FB, and checking them many times during a day. Indeed, I also tried to cut drastically the time I spend there AND the TV time in the evening, after dinner. Since I started rebooting I also read more. In the past I was an addicted book-buyer, I stopped when my daughters were born: now I picked up some of the wonderful art history and classics books I have, and I wonder why I left them so long on the shelves. But this prompts me to speculate that ALL IT addictions create a dependence and passive attitude, and I should make an effort to eliminate them if I want to be active again, also in the sexual domain.



Day 13 - Since 4 days, I started having again morning woods. Their duration and quality is constantly increasing, which for me represents a really pleasant surprise. I also noticed that I am attracted by looking at B sides of some attractive girls walking in the street, and this also is something new, although I do not get hard.
Also: I do not feel until now any interest for P, nor Internet and neither from media: I do not have to make any particular effort to avoid relapse.
I do not feel any sexual desire for real women, probably I am in the flatline. However, it is clear that I am only at the beginning.

Day 14 - Multiple and longer morning woods  : I think that this rules definitely out any physiological cause of my ED. Given my age, I am surprised of these multiple MWs. However, I read here and there that quite possibly morning wood is not necessarily caused by any form of sexual desire: scientists are not sure about its neurophysiology. In any case, it is a sign that I also can, and eliminates a serious concern I had. I do not remember my dreams, however this morning I remember a flash from one I had just before waking up an noticing my MW, and it was a sexual situation where I was active: this is also encouraging  .
I am more optimistic today, although I am aware that the way in front of me is still VERY long.

Welcome!

Thank you, O2017  : for me it was a great relief to discover this forum. I could read many symptoms and behavior I also had. I am in a sort of suspended state: I do not feel any interest towards IT porn and at the same time I do not feel pressed by the need to do sex and look for my woman. Maybe because sometimes I regret the woman I have just miserably lost, maybe I am still in love. I do not know, really. It is silly to be so irresponsible at my age.

Welcome Marco. It sounds like you are off to a good start. You are even having some M.W. From the words of Napoleon dynamite "lucky". Seriously,  you doing great. I've found that exercise really seems to help me. It is good for your brain. Porn is not an option.

Thank you Jbow: I really appreciate your encouragement and that from other fellow rebooters here. After this very short starting period,  I notice that I never missed P, but I am amware that the way is long.

Day 15 I had another little positive experience. While I was driving (70 miles, boring travel) it came to my memory an evening I had with a girlfriend some years before. I remember well what we did, and I was fantasizing of doing some other things together during the foreplay, more erotic: to my great surprise, I got excited  ! It had not happened since ages that a memory of a REAL girl could have this effect on me. I did not get 100% hard, instead I felt that my little brother down there started to get hard. That evening was a real experience, I remembered well the tactile and sounds feelings of that evening.
It is still VERY early, yet maybe I start to see some very little progress ...

Hi Marco,

Things are bound to look up (pun intended) with pmo sobriety. So keep trucking and living for real.
Congratulations on the progress,

-IWTL

Thank you IWTL: I appreciate encouragement, they help a lot. I have not felt any cravings for PMO until now.

Day 17 - Last night I have not slept well, thus this morning I was out of my REM phase when I noticed my second MW. According to what I read here one should not expect a MW when one is out of the REM phase of sleep: thus I start to believe that at least some of my MW are originated by excitation during dreams. As for the rest, I feel still to be in the flatline.

Hey M60...you read my blog, I red yours!  You are doing great and keep up the good work.  Age has nothing to do with it, you are always going to be a male with a sex drive so that makes you the same as everyone else.  Keep on keeping on!

Hi QD: and thank you for the support! Yes, I read also your blog, I have a lot to learn from peers!

Day 18 - My MW today was longer. I woke up early, not having slept really well, although job is going well these days. Job is my main source of anxiety, thus it could be that the cause of the night anxiety could be the lack of PMO.

I continue to find easy to leave porn: these days I never had real cravings. Probably I was looking at P out of boredom: however if one believes the neurological mechanism illustrated in the videos here (I do not know whether it has been validated by researchers), it should make no difference if porn addiction is caused by boredom or by other reasons: only the time spent looking porn matters, as it affects the strength of the Dopamine-rewards mechanism.

Finally, I had another fantasy today which induced a beginning of erection. It happened while I was concentrated on work, and suddenly I started to imagine action with two of my female friends. I felt the beginning of the excitation and of a response from the little brother. It was a situation similar to that of two days ago in the car. Maybe small signs along a still very long path in front of me.

Updating this journal helps me a lot.

Day 19 This morning I woke up early and could not really fall asleep again. At some point while I as half-sleeping I noticed however that I had again a nice dream, and this time the erection was almost complete (at least 90%), and it lasted longer. I do not M, and I intend not to do for all the duration of rebooting (the Hard90, no PMO), thus all these seem to be natural progresses. I experience them every morning since few days after the beginning of reboot: I start to believe that it may work  .

Day 21 The MW are regular and the duration and hardness increases slowly but constantly. Last night I thought to a girl I met and I started to get excited, although I have not reached a real erection. I avoid to check any sort of P images, without any particular efforts. I think I am in the flatline, however: I was at a meeting where I met some ladies and I did not feel any interest. I am very concentrated on work, and avoid possible addictions, even coming here on this Forum too often (it can become an addiction too).

stay in the fight!  You are doing great!  21 days is nothing to sneeze at.  Just be glad you aren't 21 or this would be a whole lot harder! (i know how that sounds!)

Day 22 I have to admit: I just had a relapse! Yes, I can hardly believe it, but....I had it in my dreams!  I woke up early as usual, but I indulged one more hour in bed, being a weekend. I started to dream a complicated situation where I had a discussion with a sort of pornstar and in the meantime I was sitting at the PC looking at porn and masturbating. The feeling was good, and only after a long time in the dream I told myself "what am I doing here?", and eventually I woke up.
Thus, despite the regular MWs and some other minor positive signs, I think that my brain is still occupied by the old habits. The way to go is still long.

Thats probably normal.  You can't control that so don't get too hung up!

You are right QD: moreover, I can not have a control on dreams  . It is curious however, I wonder if others have experienced similar dreams.

Day 25 Morning glory continue to be regular  , now I can say that they are the most tangible sign of improvement. Since couple of days I started to chat with a girl, and she plans to come and visit me for a short holiday. Chatting with her I noticed my libido increasing, and reached a half erection at some point. We will see.

Day 30 I have been busy with work, a very positive result absorbed all my attention, thus I did not feel a high libido. I continue to have regular MWs but less fantasies about real girlfriends (I am single now but I am chatting with a very nice girl and sometimes the memory of my last girlfriend, who left me because of my ED, still come to mind sometimes, although less and less frequently). I am getting free of the obsessive thought of my last girlfriend: I am sure she will never show up again, and the wound is healing.
I am still in the flatline, although I start to appreciate nice women walking in the street. Most of them are Mediterranean type however, and I have never been attracted by this type of women. Moreover elegance, class is what triggers me as much as beauty, and here where I live people are pretentious and not elegant at all (both women and men). And I need sexual attraction to switch me on: thus I do not know whether my low libido arises simply by my sexual preferences or by being in the flatline.