Recovered Once for 6 mos. Sex returned me to a flat line

I guess I started watching some porn at about 15 or 16 it seems.  Starting with movie scenes and the stuff I could catch late night on Cinemax.  I?ve always had an addictive personality and am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  Just about 3 years sober now.  My porn usage was consistent but never more often than a few times a week up until I was about 23.  I usually had a girlfriend during the years from 16 to 23 as well.  I pretty much fapped every day or had sex, sometimes I would fap a couple times a day. 

I started watching practically every day at age 23 and had girlfriends off and on for most of the time from 23 to 29.  There had been periods of up to a year without a girlfriend, and only using porn.  What happened for me?when I was 29 I got sober from Alcohol and all other mind altering substances.  Trouble is, I started watching porn exclusively.  I did not have sex or much interaction with women the first 15 months sober.  I picked up a book by Noah Levine called Dharma Punx.  In that book he mentioned the benefits of taking 30 days off of masturbation.  I thought I would give it a shot.  And I noticed some changes in my body.  I was by no means healthy and still had a brain very wired towards porn but I was up late one night sexting with a girl and noticed I had a major erection.  The next day was day 29 of my 30 days no masturbation and I decided to watch porn.  I probably watched it two or three times that day.  Then a couple days later I went to have sex with the girl and I could barely get it up, and I came almost immediately.  That?s when I realized something was wrong and that?s when I found YBOP and all the support on here.  I was in a flat line.

I did a reboot for about 4 months.  No porn, no orgasm.  Felt the benefits, even a deeper voice.  Then I had sex with a girl, it felt amazing and I orgasmed just once.  About this time I met a great girl that I was lucky enough to get together with for about 9 months.  When I started sleeping with her it had been about 6 months since I?d seen any porn.  And the sex was great.  No problems until about 6 months in.  We had a regular, healthy, active sex life.  Probably having sex between 4 and 7 times a week.  This is when it got weird and I experienced relapse to a flat line that I haven?t quite gotten out of since (it?s been about 10 months). 

I distinctly remember the moment, while we were in the heat of the moment she asked for a couple things that were more aggressive and pornographic than anything we had done to that point.  I won?t go into the details but it was something you?d see in porn.  This was too much for me.  After about 2 orgasms from this type of sex I felt drained.  It felt like I had PMO?d.  I literally felt my vitality run right out of me as I orgasmed.  I hoped that I would not need to do another reboot because it was from sex!  Not from porn! 

Anyway, a bunch of half measures failed ( a week off, sex without orgasm, a month off, etc.).  It was strange, frustrating, confusing, all of the above.  We would have sex at most once a week and I would return to flat line.  The sex was more aggressive too, my brain was not right.  3 months later we broke up, not exclusively because of the sexual problems but it did not help.  I have had the same problem a couple times over.

We broke up in February of this year.  I had a mini reboot, not long enough evidently.  In April I slept with a girl 3 times in about 2 days and went from feeling pretty good the first time to totally deflated by the third time.  From April to June I had sex about every two-three weeks with an ex of mine ? it was pretty good each time, but it wasn?t of the sensual love making variety.  Full erections, but not full sensitivity.  I also masturbated a time or two ? no porn.  Felt slightly better than a flat line. 

I?m 32 now.  It?s been 2 years since I quit porn (had a 1x relapse after being triggered via sex with the then gf).  I met a girl I fell hard for in June of this year and we slept together in August.  It felt great the first time, incredibly sensitive.  I didn?t orgasm.  Then about a week or two later we had sex again?it did not feel as good.  I was not quite as into it.  I was not as sensitive.  I had a couple orgasms in this state over the course of two days and I was back to square one again.  Pretty much a flat line.  We tried Karezza, mixed results.  It was actually draining.  I did not orgasm.  Maybe I just wasn?t ready.

Anyway, it?s caused serious strife in this relationship.  It hurt her feelings that I didn?t tell her about this up front.  And we are both sort of hopeless for the future.  We have actually just taken a break, which was brutally hard to do but also a bit of a relief for both of us.  She knows the situation now.

I?m wondering if anyone has experience or knows of journals to check out who that deal with feeling recovered and being triggered by sex, or certain types of sex.  Even after a decent period (6 months) of completely healthy sex.  As I write this out it has been helpful and makes some things clearer.  I can see that I have never given myself another 4 month hard reboot since the first time.  Anyway, would love to hear feedback.  It?s been a brutal couple of days/weeks.  I thought I would be okay having orgasms from sex after having the first recovery, but this has not been the case. 

Stop MO forever, stop touching your dick without a reason except for pee and cleaning it (bath time). Of course no need to talk about PMO, this is not an option anymore. My humble opinion is that you had a lot of orgasms in a short period of time. As an old rebooter had said "when you start recovering from a foot sprain you will go for a walk not for a sprint." I don't know about your addictions how deep they were, probably your nervous system is already tired need some rest.
Good luck.

Thanks BootLoader.  I really appreciate the advice and encouragement. 

I went softmode recovery for the first 30 days after the most recent binge of orgasms with the gf.  I did not have an orgasm during this 30 day stretch but we fooled around, had some sex etc.  Pushed it very closed to orgasm a time or too (almost had PE).  I never got any better, only worse during this stretch.

Since that 30 day stretch it has been about two weeks hard mode.  No touching, no nothing, cold showers pretty often, exercise etc.  Noticing wild mood swings throughout the day, mornings seem to be toughest.  A feeling of doom that I shake off after a few hours, then I feel invincible for a few more hours.  Loads of anxiety come and go throughout the day.  It's pretty wild.  Definitely some of the anxiety is related to fear that my relationship might be falling apart.  But some of the anxiety just seems to come out of nowhere too.  Looking forward to getting better.  Planning at least 90 days hard mode.

If you are rebooting with a partner I know it's hard to go monk mode. Try to avoid any artificial stimulation as much as you can, fantasizing etc. Avoid internet as much as you can.
Remember, the point isn't the 90 days, the point is life change movements. 99% porn-pmo aren't the cause, porn is the result of some bigger problem.
I was depressed, had social anxiety and low self esteem almost my whole life, I didn't ever think that porn makes things worst, a lot of worst. I realized it at age 34... GG...

twice,

The anxiety is our mind adjusting to dopamine and reality.
this is the golden opportunity to understand and experience your emotions.
you must treasure every moment you have this anxiety hit.
and learn that even as it rises, it will peak and eventually fade away
it is not permanent

Karezza sex :
there is some discussion on sex without orgasm.
sex that is super slow and long like 1 plus hour.
It was discussed about in the book cupid's poison arrow.
The point is to avoid the dopamine hit at orgasm, while allowing beautiful gentle connecting relationship with your loved one.

Appreciate the feedback fellas.  All is going okay so far.  Definitely still in the middle of a flat line.  I went through a period of some semen leakage, that appears to have tapered off.  I've had some fleeting sexual thoughts throughout the day, it's been a noticeable change from the last couple.  Also had some nocturnal wood last night - maybe 60%. 

The anxiety has also lessened, some of that is because my girlfriend broke it off two nights ago.  There was a special connection and I was definitely sad but the truth is I am not doing that bad.  We'll see, maybe I'll see her again.  Getting healthy and weathering the withdrawal side effects are the priorities for now.  Excited to get some rock hard erections...someday!

Feeling a little better today.  The morning is still tough, little bit of a dread feeling.  But it fades pretty quickly once I get up and get going.  As far as symptoms go, still in a total flatline.  During the day my dick is so freaking tiny at times.  There are brief occasions the last day or two when it gets a little bigger and I have noticed a slight uptick in sexual thoughts and slightly more interest in talking to and looking at girls.  Solid dose of blue balls today too.  It's been 17 days since anything sexual and 47 days since my last orgasm.  Took a cold shower and that did take the edge off the blue balls.  Been hitting the gym about 6 out of every 7 days. 

Day 25.  Withdrawal symptoms of anxiety and depression have lessened significantly.  Brain still feels foggy at times but getting some clarity.  Occasional moments where I feel clever and witty again.  Still in a solid flat line, some nocturnal wood.  Generally just feeling better about life and so glad those first couple weeks of the withdrawal are behind me.  I never want to go back to that.  Feeling very optimistic that this will only get better. 

Hey mate,
I'm in the same boat as you,I just posted a new thread call 9 month account.Read it
Dude,I pretty sure were in the same ball park considering where we are at with this bs.
I don't know what more I can do but just wait this flatly out!!

Great job pushing past withdrawal!  Your journey should get easier as time goes on.

Day 31.  Did one test and I am able to get it up to touch alone, no fantasy.  I was quite surprised by the responsiveness, probably got to 90% pretty quickly.  It was pretty exciting shit.  Libido is starting to come around but definitely still not there.  I made out with a girl the other night and noticed some activity but not like normal.  I was probably 60% hard at certain points. 

Planning to stay the hardmode course without checking.  Still no morning word which is what I am really waiting for.  I did wake up at about 5am a couple nights ago and maintained about a 70% erection while I got up to take a piss.  It's working!  But as they say it is definitely not linear.  It's a slow grind but the progress is rewarding.  Brain fog had lifted for a while but I've noticed a strong dose of it the last couple of days. 

I did see a Urologist, he didn't even want to do a testosterone test.  He just figures it's too much stimuli from pornography and he's seen a lot of similar issues it in young men. 

Day 74 - I started spending some time with a girl I was really into when all this PIED caused some hiccups in our ability to be intimate.  From her perspective it got a place where she did not even know how to behave around me.  Our chemistry is very strong and even a little bit of intimacy leads to sex pretty quickly.  So it was very frustrating for her and she felt like she was doing me damage.

Anyway, day 74 things feel fairly normal.  Not 100% but like I could function. I haven't had the ultimate test of trying to sleep with a girl yet, but I react to intimacy pretty quickly.  I get decent (not 100%) erections just from the prospect of being intimate and from talking about feelings and being emotionally close to her.  I had some morning wood today, for the first time in a while.  I did have a wet dream about 3 weeks ago, which was my first O since reboot. 

I tested on day 60 and got it up to just physical stimulation, this was about a week after the wet dream.  So I feel like I am progressing.  Planning to wait til day 90 before allowing myself to have an O of any kind.  It might be tough to get there if I start fooling around with this girl.  But, if I do have an O, my plan would be to pace it out and not have more than 1 every two weeks.

Twicebitten said:

Planning to wait til day 90 before allowing myself to have an O of any kind.

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I hope you mean you will have orgasm with a partner and not alone by yourself right?

Bootloader, I know you mean well.  But your wording could be perceived as patronizing.  I've had some O's with partners in the last couple months.  I'm still not 100% but just taking it one day at a time.  Life is good, things keep getting better, just slowly.  I can feel my brain starting to re-wire and I'm noticing an interest in the softer, subtler sides physical interaction.  It's truly really enjoyable and is very encouraging to notice these thoughts.  I'm grateful for this forum it has given me hope at really bleak moments. 

Twicebitten,

You've shed some light on some issues I was having. I appreciate your journal and wish you all the best. Keep up the hard work.

ImOnMyWay

Bankonit said:

Bootloader, I know you mean well. But your wording could be perceived as patronizing. I've had some O's with partners in the last couple months. I'm still not 100% but just taking it one day at a time. Life is good, things keep getting better, just slowly. I can feel my brain starting to re-wire and I'm noticing an interest in the softer, subtler sides physical interaction. It's truly really enjoyable and is very encouraging to notice these thoughts. I'm grateful for this forum it has given me hope at really bleak moments.

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I know you're probably no longer on here but did you recover. Going through something that sounds very similar!