Author Topic: Coming Back to Reality  (Read 1181 times)

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #50 on: September 26, 2017, 08:28:15 AM »
Day 30.

This day would be more significant if I started my streak in a shorter month.  Because I began in August, my next milestone is when I wake up on Thursday, as that would be one full month PMO free.

Urges were super strong yesterday, as I predicted.  I fell into fantasy land a little bit, due to the combination of boredom and disappointment.  I was at work, so I didn't M or anything, my brain just want a little further in coming up with stories and vivid imagery around models I am aroused by than it normally does.  I still stopped it, so it's not like I'm back to zero or anything, it was just harder to stop.

Ditto for waking up in the morning.  I always wake up very aroused, and want to immediately start fantasizing.  It's a challenge to get that stuff out of my head and begin my morning ritual (teeth, make bed, yoga, cereal, lift, eggs and edamame, cold shower).  I'm looking to get a ticker for the bottom of my posts, and created one, though I haven't yet figured out how to get it on here.  It was really encouraging to see how far 30 is into a 90 day trek. 

I have to be honest about something - I really miss porn.  I miss seeing something I'm fantasizing in my mind being played out by people I am extremely attracted to.  It almost felt empowering, and there aren't that many things in life that fully satisfy a craving.  Hunger, sleep, and sex are all that come to mind.  The girl I slept with over the weekend texted me this morning, just saying hi basically, signaling she wants to see me again.  I'll do it, because she's attractive and I have enough fun with her.  What's difficult for me to accept permanently is the only way I can experience the fantasies I have is if I get into a consistent enough relationship with a girl that I can share my fantasies with her, and for her to willing to  (and be good at) playing those out.  That may be extremely difficult to do.

I'm wondering what the brain science says about looking at porn once a week or something, after the reboot of course.  I know people will say "you are likely to relapse," but I heard the same thing after getting a blowjob and after going to the strip club, and I didn't.

Anyway, two more days until milestone #5, and then I'm really on my way.  The only remaining milestones would be 1.5 months, 2 months, 3 months, and 100 days.  The rewards I gave myself start getting really good at 1.5 months, so that'll be extra motivation for me to keep fighting.

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #51 on: September 27, 2017, 09:32:09 AM »
Day 31.

Yesterday was brutal.  If you look at my posts a couple days ago, I noted that this week was going to be particularly difficult for me to avoid fantasizing.  I did a shitty job of doing so.  I guess it could count as a minor relapse, in that some dopamine may have been released into my brain when my brain began creating vivid imagery around women and stories that aroused me, but I don't think it's fair for me to start my counter over if I never touched myself and pulled anything up on a screen.  I'm not saying thoughts aren't important, and those fantasies likely impeded my rewiring, but it's lot better than PMO, which I'm sure releases exponentially more dopamine.

For my own curiosity, I found this article about male PET scans during orgasm as compared to having erections: http://www.jneurosci.org/content/23/27/9185.full

Bottom line, even though there are some brain differences during sexual stimulation, there is an enormous amount of activity during and after orgasm, so seeing as I haven't had an orgasm is 30 days and counting, I am indeed rewiring my brain, even if I have become aroused a few times in between.

Also, I had dinner with a few friends last night.  During dinner, no thoughts of fantasizing or porn.  Just a really good time, and time passed quickly.  I'm striving for that experience to push through the days, and that requires me to be engaged as much as possible.  At work, it is difficult at the moment, but it is my responsibility to make the best of it.

When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will have reached my fifth milestone.

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #52 on: September 28, 2017, 06:04:32 AM »
Day 32.

Fifth milestone!  Now, when I get through Day 46, I get to take a day off of work (that's the reward I planned for myself).

But last night was incredibly rough.  Even before I was rebooting, about once a month there would be a night where I was so aroused at night, that when I woke up from a dream, I would PMO for like an hour, or longer while still in bed.  Last night was one of those nights.  I literally dreamt that I was watching movies that had nudity and was getting me aroused. 

In separate dreams, I dreamt of specific models that I were in bed with me that I was having sex with.  I woke up from those and without even consciously doing it, thought about which videos I would pull up that closely resembled the dream I just had so I could get off to it.  I then remembered my reboot of course. 

Because my counter is still on 32, you know I didn't do anything.  But I had an erection for probably 3 hours straight, as it was very difficult for me to go back to sleep.  Also, to make things more complicated, I've been doing kegels off of an app.  I've discovered that since those muscles have become stronger, my ability to O is much better.  Before, I could have clothes on, but I would just need to apply pressure to my torso about six inches below my navel.  Now, I can stand up and work the kegel muscles without touching and get myself to orgasm.  While I do think it's fantastic that my sex drive is that healthy, I'm sure you can understand it makes it damn difficult to avoid orgasming for 58 more days if I can do it that easily.

I know I should be avoiding sexual thoughts, part of the reason I'm not panicking about that is because of my post yesterday.  I found that study that shows the significant difference in brain activity between an erection and ejaculation.  There is still a lot of rewiring I am doing by preventing orgasm, even if I have erections once in a while.

Keep fighting everyone.  STAY ENGAGED.

sempervirilis

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #53 on: September 28, 2017, 08:39:06 AM »
Hey buddy - just wanted to say congratulations on hitting 32 days man! Sounds like things have been moving in the right direction, and I hear you on the drive and thoughts...assume you are doing hardmode and honestly haven't read through your entire thread yet. I'm on day 15 myself and have found it a little hard reading through some threads and not seeing many guys really breaking through towards 30 or more days, and I'm happy to have come across your journal and read through some of the extra challenges that come after the initial week or two.

Are you dating anyone right now? I've got a girlfriend and she knows about this journey etc, but Os that happen with her are a-ok since they're part of re-wiring, but still no P, M, MO of course. Anyways, keep up the awesome work, and know that this guy is getting notifications for your journal and wants to see you succeed man!

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #54 on: September 28, 2017, 09:20:42 AM »
Thank you for your words of support, semper!  I'm dating a lot, I would not say I have a consistent girlfriend as of yet.  There are a couple girls I am dating, one of them I have slept with (but no orgasm) and have plans to see again.  I'd really like to get off with her so I can have the release and the healthy rewiring.

Congrats on making it to two weeks!  Habits are the easiest way to change your behavior, and you are developing some good ones if you have gone that long.  Keep it up!

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #55 on: September 29, 2017, 08:29:28 AM »
Day 33.

Yesterday was better.  I laid out a bunch of things I want to do every single day, such as yoga, exercising, meditation, open space thinking (I take ten minutes to let my mind wander, come up with ideas, and just express it on a piece of paper), and making a dent in my life where I want to (right now it's getting my financial stability in check).  Then, I wrote down exactly what I wanted to get done during the day.  I had my most productive day in a long time, and I was not triggered very often to fantasize.

I had a powerful visualization and a strategy I'd like to share.  I visualized time being water inside of a giant jug, that is slowly being poured from above.  The water can either go into a drain, or into a magic cauldron (bear with me). 

The drain represents your selfish, present self.  The person who uses up time that makes them happy, but has zero future benefits.  Obviously, PMO fits into this category.  The magic cauldron represents any contribution you are making to your future self, or to the world.  The beautiful thing about the cauldron is that not only does it collect the water, so it isn't squandered, but it will create more pleasure for you later on, and will keep doing so!  With this in mind, I am always thinking about how I can diverting my water (time) into the cauldron.  It's actually the selfish thing to do, because it will make me happier in the long run.

The strategy I developed is much more practical.  Tony Robbins says that the three basic elements that dictate your current state of being are your physical state, your focus, and the language/meaning you give.  My new strategy is to recognize every time I start thinking sexual thoughts (meditation helps with this thought-recognition), I change my physical state to be strong and positive.  That might mean sitting up in a chair, standing up straight and putting my shoulders back, keeping my chin up, etc.  I then focus on how I can contribute to the world, and I tell myself that I am Superman, a force for good in the world.

Notice that with this strategy there is no negativity, no self-judgement, no shame in having those sexual thoughts.  It takes so little effort to change your physical state as I am suggesting, there's really no excuse to not do so.  Research demonstrates that altering your physical state actually affects your mental state as well!  So when you have a stronger, physical posture, your thoughts will be more positive.  As sexual thoughts inevitably enter my mind, I will create a neural network that associates them with a strong physical posture that will end up being my thinking and acting selflessly.

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2017, 07:29:22 AM »
Day 34.

Not very strong urges yesterday, or I was able to fight them off easily, it's hard to tell the difference. I did go out last night with a friend in the city, and saw a ridiculous number of gorgeous women.  Normally, I would treat the inadequacy that I feel from seeing those women with other guys by masturbating after I went home alone, obviously last night I was unable to do that.  But one of the things I talked about with my friend was about how we are both working on ourselves so we can get to the point where we can consistently date those women.

This reboot is an essential piece to that.  I'm confident in approaching women cold in social situations, even if its not right now, I'm confident I can eventually be a provider for women financially.  Where I am glaringly lacking confidence is in the bedroom, and not because of my physical traits, purely because there have been many times I would not perform.  This has created anxiety, and prior to rebooting, while part of me was excited when going back to my place (or hers) with a female, a huge part of me would be like "Oh shit" because of the stress associated with wondering if I was going to immasculate myself.

This reboot will eliminate much of that anxiety, as I am convinced porn and too much masturbation was the reason I wouldn't perform.  Once I reboot, I intend on having more sexual experiences, building my sexual confidence, and becoming a monster when it comes to attracting and seducing women, and becoming an all around powerful man.

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #57 on: October 01, 2017, 08:48:23 AM »
Day 35.

Last night was one of the most difficult times to resist the urge, however the urge was not physical, it was emotional.

I went out with some friends for a birthday party.  We went to a couple of bars and saw beautiful women who were being held and flirting with men.  Not only did I envy those men from a physical standpoint, I envied them from an emotional one.  I am a romantic, and am constantly searching for the woman who is my soulmate, who I can share a life with and have romance with passion.  Going home alone was not easy.

In the past, the way I would deal with that stress and disappointment would be masturbation.  Part of myself would say while I'm out, "Yeah, she's cute, but I can get off to a more attractive woman later, so I'm not going to worry about it."  Also, I was aware on some level that I enjoyed porn more than I did actual sex because it came with more attractive women and didn't come with the pressure.  I also recognize it was a defense mechanism.  If I told myself that porn was better than real sex with a woman that I'm attracted to, then it isn't a hurt to my ego when I go home alone.  Theres some fucked up logic that going home alone and jerking off to porn is PREFERRED to going home with a real woman, so I can feel more confident about myself.

The hard truth is I want to be going home with women I am attracted to and I can develop a relationship with.  Last night I did not have my fallback to relieve the stress.  I had my empty apartment and empty bed. 

I have a strange technique for dealing with disappointment that I use sometimes.  I greatly admire the character Rocky, and the message present in all of the movies, which I have found to be true in real life from my own experiences and hearing from successful people.  The message is that rejection and failure is a key aspect to getting to where you want to go.  Rocky gets his ass kicked all the time.  He loses outright in the first movie, and is beat up even in the fights he wins.

The way I play this out for myself is when I'm disappointed, I find an area of the floor, preferably hardwood, and I lie face down with my cheek pressing against the floor.  This is reenacting being knocked down, like in a boxing match.  I take that moment to feel the disappointment.  I kind of pretend there is a referee that's counting, and while he's counting, I recognize that I will get up before he gets to "10", but I will take a few extra seconds to rest and gather myself before I begin fighting again.  Then, I take the most important action to take when you feel rejected or disappointed.

I get up.

As long as I always get up and keep fighting, I will win.  I have no idea how many more times I'll be knocked down, but I will always get up. Last night was a big step for me in facing the disappointment of being alone head-on instead of hiding from it.  The discomfort in not having an attractive woman to take home will be used as a positive, since I can USE that discomfort as ENERGY to take the right steps to improve.

Ease is the enemy of progress.  Last night was not easy, and I'm certain my future self will be grateful.


TakeActionNow

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #58 on: October 01, 2017, 12:26:56 PM »
Reality,
You are 100% correct and spot on about what is the right thing to do:
-Receive Clear and exacting signals from our body telling us to take action for change
-And use the energy in the create positive change!
Pmo has long denied us from processing this signal correctly
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #59 on: October 02, 2017, 10:37:55 AM »
Thank you, Action.  We are definitely on the same page.

Day 36.

My latest difficulties have been far more emotional than physical.  I watched the full "Your brain on porn" youtube video yesterday, and it kind of scared me again.  To me the most frightening aspect of my brain is that I am exacerbating the probably just by THINKING of the wrong thing.  I pride myself on self-control, but staying away from bad foods or drugs is easy when compared to not letting a THOUGHT enter your head. 

I liked what it said about the frontal lobe, how the stronger it is, the more you will be able to make good decision, regardless of what your short-term rewards circuit is asking for.  I believe my frontal lobe is incredibly strong, exhibit A being that I have reached Day 36 on my first try at a reboot.  I've also been taking cold showers every morning for about a year, and I just starting meditating 3 weeks ago, and it is going well.

Back to my difficulties - I am looking for love.  And I am extremely selective.  Now, I do not believe attraction is a choice, so I don't think I'm like George Costanza looking for reasons to not like women.  Over a long period of time, there have been a bunch of women that I eagerly wanted to get into relationships with, however they are few and far between.  I went out three times this weekend, and every time I saw beautiful women I was attracted to with other men.  No longer do I have the fallback of PMO to release the stress and disappointment I feel with not having a woman like that in my life.  That energy is trapped inside of me.  I know I need to use it for good.

I also recognize my outlook has to be more positive.  Just a week ago, I had an attractive in bed with me, and I will be seeing her again when she gets back from vacation.  Last night, I had a date with another attractive woman who made it abundantly clear she wants to see me again.  I've worked extremely hard on myself to be attractive to women, however my negative mindset and longing for romance with a female I am truly excited about almost makes it seem as if those women do not count because they aren't triggering my attraction switches.

To clarify - these are women that I would be happy to have sex with, but do not attract me on an emotional level, and on a level where I want to explore sharing my life with them.  I realize in that last statement I made it sound like I was not attracted to attractive women, which is a contradiction.

I intellectually recognize my bar is too high.  I'm disappointed if I'm not in love with the woman of my dreams.  Physically attractive women have sex with me isn't enough, which is ridiculous.  But it's difficult to fight off that disappointment when I am built as a romantic, especially when I now have gone 36 days without orgasm, and are therefore MORE attracted to beautiful women I see out and about, which amplifies the disappointment of not having any of them in my life.

11 more days until my next major milestone.  One day at a time.  Will stay engaged.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #60 on: October 03, 2017, 03:35:02 AM »
Reality,

I hear what you're saying.
Dont waste time being negative or disappointed. They do not contribute one bit to the quality of your life.

You have stated very clearly what are your goals.
Goals require seeking, effort, time and investment.
And adjustment.

Since you have your goal, keep making the effort until you are satisfied.
If you continue to be dissatisfied, either you need adjustment or your goal needs adjustment.
Either way, you will eventually get there.
The important thing is not to live in the world of standards created by your mind.
Let reality prove to you what is appropriate or not.

Interestingly for me, moving away from PMO has led me to be more forgiving in the looks department. I agree with you that connection is MOST important. I have often fallen in love with women that did not initially trigger my fancy, but moved me much more than any pretty girl did simply with their care, character and attention. Love is blind, and yes, many of the prettiest girls I know cannot move my heart one bit.

One question i have to ask you, "are you interested in their person" ?
If I am genuinely not interested in a person, I do not have the drive or intention to find out more about them, nor do I give them the chance to be attractive to me. My behavior thus prevents me from connecting with them.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #61 on: October 03, 2017, 08:57:07 AM »
Action, we are on the same page.  I agree looks are not everything.  A few years ago, I was working in an office, and when I met the girl working next to me, I thought she was about average, but nice to talk to.  Overtime, I developed strong feelings for her, and I still believe to this day that if she weren't married already, I would have married her.  It was a fantastic experience, as it taught me the importance of really getting to know a woman before determining whether or not it's possible for something to develop.

I believe attraction is not a choice, and therefore in my previous post, I was referring to women I am/was attracted to, which is not a conscious decision.  Most of the girls I date I respect, but I am not, as you say "interested in their person" on a deeper level, which is why even if I take them to bed, I still feel lonesome.  PMO was the main way I coped with that lonliness, which is why it is more difficult to deal with now that I am rebooting.


Day 37.

I don't think I'm flatlining, since I wake up with erections every day, but it's close.  Every time I had a sexual thought yesterday, it didn't really trigger arousal, it was more like a sexual thought out of habit.  So yesterday was one of the easiest I've had in terms of controlling urges.  Hopefully that continues.

Also, I had a dream last night that was encouraging.  Previously, my dreams that were sexual would literally be about my searching for porn on the internet and finding something to watch.  That was the fantasy.  I made an observation that I've had dreams since that instead were about me having sex.  Last nights is now included, as I envisioned a porn star and a playboy model having sex with me (separately), but I see that as progress, since my fantasies are now shifting where I am putting myself in the actual physical space with my partner. 

The other interesting take away from the dream is at one point I was fantasizing in the dream and wanted to masturbate, and my dream self identified "I shouldn't be doing this" and I stopped.  Clearly, the desire to stop masturbating and fantasizing has penetrated my deep subconscious if I'm aware of doing so in my dreams.

I'm excited about my progress, and look forward to taking on tomorrow.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #62 on: October 03, 2017, 10:46:05 AM »
Reality,
On your loneliness point, i want to challenge you to open up fully to the girls. We men are lonely often because we unknowingly set barriers up to protect and prevent getting hurt. Hurt from rejection or low self esteem.
We wait for the perfect one before revealing ourselves.
Whats happening is we have taken ourselves too seriously, like the future of our happiness depends on it. That's perfectionism talking.
Let go of your standards, be open about yourself, and welcome them into your heart.
The most sexy girl i know told me all about her flaws and problems like its no big deal. She wasnt concerned about my acceptance. It was take it or leave it. That was a massive turn on for me that she can be so brutally open and honest with me, absolutely nothing to hide. Everyone tries to appear perfect whereas she is happy with who she is.
That completely opened my heart and i was able to connect with her.
Life is full of ironies. The more we hold back, the less likely we'll get what we're looking for

Have a think why pmo solves your loneliness problem. Were you having a 'relationship' with the actresses? Relationship happens only when we have the balls to push across barriers, talk and decide about all the hard questions. That builds trust, which is the foundation of connection.

I would argue that everything in life is a choice.
Being interested in ourselves is a choice (I'm working very hard on this now)
Having the balls to go up to a stranger and talk to them is a choice.
Finding out more about them, their interests, their concerns, is a choice. (that's engagement)
Like getting good at your job. If you invest time, money and energy to improve your skills, it is make that choice over not doing it.
When we make choices, we are own our life, instead of life owning us.

Of course if there is no common ground, no interest of theirs that inspires you, then no amount of effort on our end to choose to be interested matters.
The girl who can look me deep into my eyes, and shows she is interested in me, cares and have good character, wants to be involved in my life, wow I'll be interested in her too. I'll give her the chance to find out about me, and I'll find out about her too.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2017, 10:21:58 PM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #63 on: October 04, 2017, 09:24:45 AM »
Action,

I agree with what you are suggesting, to a point.  I believe in reciprocity.  If a woman is going to be open with me and share her vulnerabilities, I am happy to do the same.  However if she is extremely guarded, and feels more time is necessary before sharing these, I do not think it's appropriate to dump my heart on the table.

Also, I think it depends on what you vulnerabilities happen to me.  Call me crazy, but if I on a first date tell a girl, "Hey, so I was largely ignored by women during my formative years, and because of that have a lot of emotional baggage around not having my value properly recognized by women.  One of my defense mechanisms is to find a flaw in your personality that I can use to make myself feel better if you reject me, to cover up the depth of disappointment I feel in being 31 and still have yet to be able to meet a woman who I had romantic feelings for that reciprocated them."  I don't think my odds are good that she'll say yes to a second date.  I think instead, you let a relationship develop naturally and wait for a time that both people feel comfortable sharing and hearing deep vulnerabilities about one another.

With regards to why PMO helped lonliness, it's completely a defense mechanism.  If I see a beautiful woman on the street, it can bruise my ego is she's with another man, or I approach her and she doesn't show interest, or I have the urge to have sex with her and cannot.  By PMOing to a woman that is more attractive than her, it gives me some sexual power in a sense, as if to say "I don't need her to fulfill me sexually, this video/picture can do it" can curb the disappointment.  I am not suggesting this is productive nor healthy, simply describing the role PMO can play in helping the short term disappointment of not having a woman to love.

Anyway . . .

Day 38.

Yesterday was another one of the easiest days that I've had, and it was not because I was able to stay distracted.  I was extremely bored and somehwat depressed at work, as my latest job opportunities don't look like they will pan out.  I've been thinking about how even though I think at some point I will have a beautiful family, my inability to find a suitable wife as a younger man means my children will likely not get to know my parents, who are wonderful people.  Despite these negative thoughts, I was not tempted to fantasize.  I am assuming that my neural networks that directly link to fantasy are fading, my mind is not automatically switching to that when I feel emotional pain.  This is very encouraging.

Also, I really like the side effect of rebooting that I am more aggressive with women.  I have to be!  That's the only way I can get off, when one is actually with me.  The girl I brought home before just got back from vacation, and we will be going out on Friday.  When I was PMOing and fantasizing, I might not even try to go out with her again, and if I did, I might not try to seduce her.  Sex made me nervous, as I was worried I wouldn't perform and would damage my ego, so I would avoid the situation all together.  This perpetuated a negative cycle, as the lack of sex made me less confident at it, would make me more afraid of it, so I'd be less likely to do it. 

Now, that's literally my only option!  Am I in love with this girl? No.  Is she the most beautiful woman I have ever seen? No.  But will I associate worry and stress if I invite her to my apartment and she agrees? Of course not!  I'm confident I can perform, as an indigestion commercial showing a woman's bare torso gets me hard at this point.  I can get the practice at pleasing a woman, and I build a neural network in my brain that associates being with a woman with dopamine release.

Also, I'll see the woman I went out with Sunday again at some point, and I met another cute girl online I'll be going out with next week.  I like having three women to date, since they are so likely to drop off, one of them is likely to stick to the point where I can get to know them more physically and emotionally.  I'll keep you posted on that and the job situation.

One day at a time.  Stay engaged.

RealityCheck

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #64 on: October 05, 2017, 08:39:43 AM »
Day 39.

Holy shit did yesterday suck.

First, I found out the job I was excited for lost interest in me.  I thought I might get out of my depressing work environment, and be able to get more money so I could afford better clothing, but more importantly, feel I was in a position in the world where I was making an impact.  While I do have other networking leads, it could be months and months before I get out of here.  After getting that email, I cried, then called my mentor who helped to set my mind straight.

Then I went home and lost money playing poker.  That's a part of the game, the mistake I made (and I do this often), is I will lose the first bit of money playing well and getting flat out unlucky, but then it upsets me so I lose more money because I'm playing poorly.  I have put strategic safeguards in place to prevent that from happening (putting 30 minutes between sessions after a loss), but I didn't use it.  So not only did I through a temper tantrum (broke a water bottle), I lost money.  I partially forgive myself, as I'm sure the job rejection played a role.

Then I go to a dinner party at a friends house.  I meet a realistically beautiful girl who strikes me as being intelligent, down to earth, feminine, and carries herself the way my wife would.  She starts asking me a lot of questions about myself, demonstrating a lot of interest.  Part of me thought "wow, things might be turning around."  Then I met her husband.

Couple of takeaways here.  Despite all of these negative triggers, each one alone in the past would have driven me to PMO to deal with the stress, I did not PMO at all.  I didn't even think about it, I didn't think about fantasy.  My mind went to how I could make my life better.  I faced my emotion head on.  Sure, I've had stronger negative emotions in the past few days than I did when I was PMOing all the time, but that's not a bad thing.  I am expressing myself, and that discomfort and energy can be used to improve my situation.  I don't think I did anything wrong with the interview, it takes a lot of things to go right to land a good job, many of which are beyond my control.  After I talked with my mentor, I reached out to a friend I haven't talked to in a while, who will pass my resume to some big shots in a firm in the city. 

With regards to the poker, I didn't lose THAT much money ($100).  I know I need to keep myself in check better, I will make sure to stick to my rules moving forward.  And as for the girl, obviously nothing done wrong.  The takeaway there, is the feeling I had of "this might be worth the wait," still applies, and I believe I will feel that again, but with a girl that is available, and will end up with me.

To all of your guys (or girls I guess) that are reading this and are struggling through the first two or three weeks of reboot, know that IT GETS EASIER.  While I am good at fighting off urges, I am at the point where I don't have to that much anymore because the urges are not that strong.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #65 on: October 06, 2017, 10:09:49 AM »
Day 40.

Not much to say here.  Keeping a positive attitude, the urges are not nearly as strong as they were before.  I'm assuming my meditation exercises are helping me to control my thoughts and be extremely aware of them, so when my mind starts drifting towards sex, I calmly acknowledge and move it back to what I should be focusing on. 

Neat little milestone today - 15 years ago a movie came out starring Josh Hartnett about his pledge to not touch himself or have any sexual activity for 40 days and 40 nights.  I remember watching that and thinking that would be impossible.  Hell, the MOVIE basically treats it as impossible.  Here I am.

Granted, the movie included having no sex, and while technically I haven't had vaginal sex, I did receive oral a couple weeks ago, and I have a date tonight with the same girl, so it's possible that like in the movie, I get laid on the 40th night.  Nonetheless, I'm very proud to have made it this far on my first reboot attempt.  I'm making it to 90 days.  Full stop.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #66 on: October 07, 2017, 11:23:05 AM »
Day 41.

Definitely flatlining.  I went out with that girl last night, she was super tired, we had an expensive dinner then she wanted to call it a night because she was exhausted. Honestly, she was not very good company.  This isn't a good way to think, but lately when I'm on mediocre dates, I think back to the girl I was (and maybe am still) in love with, and how much better I like her more than these women.  Even though she made a bunch of money as a model, I'm not that attracted to her, though I wanted to have sex with her for the release.

But alas, sex didn't happen.  Fortunately, because I'm flatlining, I really didn't care.  I'm not going to initiate contact with her.  If she wants to with me, that's fine, I'll try to have sex with her, but I won't drop $150 on dinner. I'll offer to make her dinner and watch a movie or something. 

Bottom line - I've got bigger fish to fry than random dates I'm going on, as my finances are in bad shape.  I need to get out of my current situation, and that has to be my focus.  The discipline that I am demonstrating for my reboot I am channeling towards moving forward with finding a job or starting my own business.  The good news is, due to the flatline, it doesn't take that much effort to fight off the urges and move forward.  And only 6 more days until my next milestone!

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #67 on: October 09, 2017, 07:05:56 AM »
Two nights ago, I was just about through day 41, when an urge hit me to check on a particular search term before I went to bed.  For whatever reasons, my defenses were weak, and I plugged in the term, and up popped the results, which launched immediately into a video that I won't describe because of the triggers, needless to say, it was incredibly arousing.  As I watched it, I felt the sense of urgency to close it, as I felt I was going to orgasm to it.

When I hit the "close window" button, two or three more popped up with the same videos.  I couldn't get it off my screen.  As I tried to close those, different videos, some with a few of my favorite models and porn stars opened.  I was now exposed to several videos, each of which was incredibly arousing.  I felt an orgasm coming on.  This was it.  My past 40 days wasted. 

Then I woke up.

It's difficult for me to tell how close I truly was to orgasm, since I was half conscious, but I can say I had a raging boner and had to slow m heart beat and really practice thought discipline I've learned in meditation to get my mind on something else.  My erection went away without orgasming. 

The next two days would go by uneventfully.  Today is day 44.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #68 on: October 10, 2017, 01:05:34 AM »
I hate those dreams! I've had plenty of similar ones myself. Good job at shaking it off and staying the course. You're obviously a person of strong self-discipline from reading through your journal and how you've overcome some difficult challenges during your reboot.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #69 on: October 10, 2017, 09:42:57 AM »
Thank you Orbiter, good to know I'm not alone in having those types of nightmares!

Day 44.

Yes, this is REALLY day 44, my counter was off yesterday.  My urges to fantasize are coming back, especially in the mornings.  I am feeling generally more aggressive with women, in that I am intentional about sleeping with them, as I know that's the only way I can get off.  I've got a date with a new girl tonight, and a second date with the older (36) woman later in the week.  I'm not that attracted to the older woman, but I would have sex with her.

I read a fascinating article posted by Phoenix, about how the reboot is not about the counter, but about refocusing on improving your life, as opposed to simply staying away from PMO.  I completely agree with the spirit of it.  One decision I have yet to make is whether I want to be able to MO at all after the reboot.  I don't think having a strong sex drive is a bad thing, and I don't think waiting for a legitimate emotional connection before intercourse is a bad thing either.  As long as I am not overly-flooding my brain with dopamine by resorting to porn, I think masturbating every couple of weeks to get a release is just fine.  Like I said, that won't be happening during the reboot, so I will still be abstaining from MO for at least the next 46 days.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #70 on: October 11, 2017, 09:07:45 AM »
Day 45.

When I get through today, I will be halfway home!  But holy shit, am I having urges.  I thought the flatlining thing would last a while. Perhaps the reason I did so was I was just going without triggers.

I have found there are two specific instances where I have strong urges the fantasize.  The first is at work, since it is depressing, boring, and fantasy is an easy escape that is always available to me.  It's harder to stay present when I don't like the present.   This is an area where I know I need to work on focusing more on improving my situation, on actually taking that negative energy, and putting it towards my goals.

The other time is in the mornings when I first wake up.  This is harder to prevent, and frankly, I don't think it's unhealthy.  As men, our testosterone levels are higher in the mornings, so our sex drives will be stronger too.  When I've woken up in the mornings with girlfriends, that's when I've had the urge to fuck them, almost more than any other time of day.  When I'm lying in bed in the dark, it's not like there's something that much more productive to be doing than thinking about sex.  I'm not suggesting I lie there for an hour fantasizing, I'm just saying I'm not going to beat myself up if before I am barely conscious, sexual thoughts are running through my mind.  I think it's healthy.  I want to have a sex drive, and it's not porn-specific or anything, it's just a desire to fuck. 

This morning, I woke up to particularly vivid fantasies.  It was as if I were watching an IMAX movie in full color of women I am attracted to, both from the internet (models) and real life, that were doing exactly what turns me on.  Raging erection.  I had to piss, and had to angle my body downward to go in the toilet, because my dick was staring at the ceiling. 

While eating breakfast, my balls hurt.  I'm sure it's because I'm backed up and haven't O'd in a month and a half.  I really miss fantasizing, and I really miss my favorite videos and pictures.  I'm holding off until 90 days, or maybe 100, but I am strongly considering allowing myself to engage my sex drive in moderation once my reboot is over.  What gives the dopamine hits are the constant novelty, and the constant clicking on something new.  If I watch one video every two weeks to get off, I get it's not ideal, but I don't think it'll get in the way when I see a live girl naked in bed with me.  After only 11 days I had a naked girl in bed with me, and I had no anxiety or erection problems.  We'll see.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #71 on: October 12, 2017, 09:43:46 AM »
Day 46.

Halfway Home!  That is, unless I decide to shoot for 100 days.

Had really strong urges yesterday morning, as I mentioned in my post.  I realized that I actually do kegels while I am fantasizing.  From doing kegels intentionally but without sexual thought every day, now when I feel that sensation, I don't associate it with arousal, but with exercise.

I have a second date with a girl Friday, and a second date with a different girl a week from Saturday.  I would really like a release.  I'm also focusing on keeping a more positive attitude at work.  I feel depressed normally because I am being under-utilized, but I shouldn't let another person dictate how I feel.  Feeling more positive and more engaged will weaken the urges to fantasize I feel at work.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #72 on: October 13, 2017, 08:50:59 AM »
OK guys ( and ladies, possibly).

I came extremely close to O this morning.  I woke up, but was still lying in bed.  As I've remarked on other posts, this is an extremely vulnerable time for me, given that I have nothing to engage in and my testosterone levels are peaking when I wake up.  I did not open my computer, I did not physically touch myself.  But I would be lying if I said that fantasies weren't running through my mind.  They were just thoughts, but as I've stated before, my fantasies are EXTREMELY vivid, and I've gotten off to them without touching myself in the past.  During the day, I am more prepared to not engage with those fantasies and bury my focus into the task in front of me.  In the morning, it's dark, I'm comfortable, and my consciousness has nothing to distract itself with aside from what's in my mind.  I haven't meditated yet, I haven't put the effort in to visualize success.  I'm kind of helplessly watching whatever enters my thoughts, much like dreaming.

My fantasies were so vivid that I honestly thought I had an orgasm.  My dick was throbbing like it would during orgasm.  I felt panicked.  I had put in so much work to make it to Day 47.  I did not want to have to do it again.  It didn't last more than a few seconds.  I reached down to check if I had ejaculated.  I didn't.

So I ask you - is today Day 47?  Or is this Day 0?  I'm leaning towards keeping the streak alive, as A. porn didn't play a role, and B. I did not actively masturbate.  I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #73 on: October 13, 2017, 09:52:01 AM »
The number on the timer really doesn't matter. I mean, it's cool to say you've been x number of days without an orgasm, but in the end it just doesn't matter too much. As long as you are consistently doing what you need to be doing you will recover from this.

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Re: Coming Back to Reality
« Reply #74 on: October 14, 2017, 11:03:44 AM »
Thank you Jack, I appreciate your insight.

Day 48.

Yes, I am calling this Day 48, as I have definitely not looked at porn or touched myself in 47 days, and it's a coin flip as to whether or not I orgasmed yesterday morning.  Seeing as no fluid came out, I'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and say I haven't orgasmed either.

So I had a date last night, but she has to wake up early this morning, so no chance to bring her back to my place unfortunately.  Jesus I need the release.  But I will be seeing her for dinner on Tuesday night, so I'll try to score then.

I also have contacted a sex therapist.  I respect everyone's opinion on here, but I think not masturbating ever, and fighting off any sexual thoughts AFTER a reboot may be unnecessary and possibly unhealthy (I want to keep my sex drive!).  I will be asking them what healthy masturbation habits are that will not interfere with intimacy with a sexual partner and/or my sexual performance. 

My flatlining period lasted for about a day or two.  I am super horny all the time.  I am literally capable of getting myself off at any point, even with clothes on and without touching myself.  It's going to be a long 42 days, but I am simply focused on today, and on staying engaged.