Author Topic: New new new new... new try  (Read 4111 times)

jjacks

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    Rebooting October 25
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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #25 on: November 23, 2016, 05:37:27 PM »
Yes, it's tough but we are better than that.  Keep up the spirit.

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #26 on: December 10, 2016, 05:25:43 AM »
Hey there,

Some news. First thanks jjacks, your words are true, "we are better than that". I deeply believe in this fact, even if - sadly - sometimes this thing is better than me, I mean, better at playing this mind game. I had highs and lows since 15 days, and I "lost" sometimes, but still there is progress, as I can now withstand the 5 days of the week quite easily. I know that's not amazing, but for me that's definitly a progress and - I hope - a milestone. Now I have to work on saturdays and sundays... Usually I have strange and quite upsetting dreams on Friday evening, which really f**k my mind and lead me to fail on saturday morning. I know the process, I know when it occurs, but I'm still stumbling on the trap and get into it each time... OK that makes me sad at the moment, but I don't say I will stumble on this for the rest of my life, I still have faith. I think I'm really lacking the presence of a woman but I know I'm not the only one in this case and that's no excuse. Anyway if I don't change anything, nothing will change on its own, right ?

« Last Edit: December 13, 2016, 03:36:05 PM by Philgood63 »
Neither lover nor wanker !

Anothertry

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #27 on: December 10, 2016, 05:58:49 AM »
I think it's a good approach to celebrate progress!  Getting through the working week is fantastic - and I bet, even though things are obviously tough, you are feeling better than when your life is centred around PMO all the time?

Well done - and keep going!

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #28 on: December 13, 2016, 03:51:12 PM »
Oh yes sure, Anothertry, definitely my life is better right now than when I was almost just living for PMO !! I'm more confident, more calm, more loaded with faith (whereas when I was PMOing all days I was just able to wonder when I would kill myself...), I do more things, I enjoy more little things (and of course I also feel the bad times with more intensity, but hey that's life as well), I can appreciate to be myself sometimes, wheras in the past I was just wishing I was someone else... many differences with "before", for sure ! And since a few weeks I can say that my brain is rewiring, considering that - even if it's still not healed - it has different reactions, different ways of thinking than when I was stuck into PMO. I still encounter urges, but they do not seem to be unbeatable any more. I still have flashes of P scenes, but it's less intense. It looks like my brain now knows that there are other ways to feel fine, even if it still considers that PMO is one of them. But it's not the only one any more and clearly that makes difference. I know road is still long, and I will still need help from my therapist, from my friends, from all of you guys here, but I'm sure I'll get through this. Thanks to all of you on the forum and take care.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2016, 07:57:35 AM »
Still on my way... still some relapses... fact is that I don't even get any pleasure from this, I mean, I used to have pleasure in this, I confess, even if I already knew it was "bad" (sorry I'm lacking for a better word !), well, at the very moment, that was nice. Now, that's even not, I'm just forced to do it, I can't help but doing it and doing it until its end, but that's as pleasant as to dig a hole or washing the plates (which I'd better do, by the way !). That's pure pulsion, pure addiction, there's no point at all in doing it... The worst is that it hurts ! Yeah, as lousy and lame it may sound, that's truth : that's really painful and my dick yells "hey you up there, stop your bullshit, it huuuurts !". Yes true, I heart it. So... what's up now ? Well, nothing new under the sun, I just have to get back to the basics, stay calm, read and read again the articles in YBOP, meditate (well, kind of, I don't pretend to be a monk), doing useful things in my house, maybe getting out... yeah, getting ot would be nice option !
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Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2016, 05:09:33 AM »
You-hou !! Three days completed !! I am the king of the woooooorrrrrrld !

Nope, joking, I'm not even the king of my bedroom, but the Fortify program delivers me a kind of badge when completing 3 days so I feel nice... and a little bit bitter to be honnest, because that souds very lame when you really think of it : "Hey people listen, I'm very proud of myself, because it's 3 days since I've not tried to numb myself in a totally degrading and useless activity in order not to face the little problems of my everyday life !"... Wow, you're really a winner, dude. Well, anyway, that's no use being bitter, I'm here, and at this point of my life, yes 3 days without bullshit is a nice situation. Let's appreciate it and move on !
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DavidRI

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2016, 07:40:29 AM »
Reading the posts in this thread has been very helpful to me.  Thank you to all who post here.  I am about to enter my third month attending weekly, hour-long meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous ("SA").  I mention this only because some of the comments in this thread mention being "alone" or "loneliness" or "being lonely".

In my view, I would otherwise feel quite alone in my reboot but for the weekly SA meetings.  I actually find myself looking forward to the fellowship of those weekly meetings. 

Just a thought.   

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #32 on: January 01, 2017, 02:09:55 PM »
Thanks David, I'm very pleased that you found my thread helpful, that's nice to hear !

You may be right concerning the fact of being lonely and the supporting groups meetings. The fact is that I hadn't figured out that I was talking so much about my loneliness, so thanks for pointing this, that may help me. I'm used to loneliness, I've always lived alone and never waited for someone else to live and make things I like in life, thanksfully, but of course when it comes to sex and all that's related to, well... that's an issue, or at least that's quite different (I mean, being alone or not). Maybe in another life I would have never had to deal with such issue as PMO addiction... Well, anyway, there's no "another life", so, let's look at this one : Yes it's true I can't tell about this problem to anyone and that's a problem.

I have lots of good friends, but that's just a subject we can't talk about, I don't know how to say, but noone talks about this here... Oh yes, I forgot to mention, I don't live in USA, I live in France and... you know, sometimes (most of the times ?) it takes time for things (whether they're good or bad by the way) to cross the seas ! We had high-speed internet later than in USA (I don't know exactly but I think the difference was around 2 or 3 years for "average" people like me) and in a way that probably "protected" us from this addiction, and I guess that's why today noone talks about this here, it seems that almost noone knows it's a problem, and none cares about this.

I tried to talk about this to my therapist, she's a woman, she's smart and graduated in psychology, and guess what she said to me ? "What's the problem ? Keep on fapping until death watching at porn if it makes you feel good at the moment. Why bother ?" !!! You can imagine how disapointed I was... So, I try to have a look at this, but I don't think I can find SA meetings near my home, or at least their point is not about internet, these meetings exist, but that's people who can't help but f**king with their neighbour instead of their partner... definitly not my problem ! I think I will try again to talk about this to my therapist and try to make her have a look at YBOP, I'm quite sure she doesn't know about this, and that may help both of us ! Yep, I like this idea, I'll do this.
Neither lover nor wanker !

DavidRI

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #33 on: January 01, 2017, 03:47:58 PM »
Hi, Phil.  Sexaholics Anonymous is about all forms of sex.  Real sex, cybersex, porn et cetera. 

The point I want to underscore is this:  One of the primary benefits of SA are the weekly group meetings.  I am not sure about SA in France, but I would bet that there is some sort of SA-like group.  You would have to check into that. 

The SA meetings have been and are an invaluable part of my reboot.  That's my two cents (or two francs!).

Thank you to all who post on Reboot Nation. 

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #34 on: January 01, 2017, 04:11:55 PM »
Yep, you're probably right, I'll check for this. I've tried to work with a group on other issues on latest months and it definitly help me moving on. I have to try this again, by the way, that's more general than sex-related issues but that's useful also. i see this as a global improvement.
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Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2017, 05:42:45 AM »
Hey Nation,

Some fresh news, not bad, I'm still walking through my path to a new life (yeah that sounds a little bit emphazing but in a way that's true). Of course I still fail sometimes but I recently reached 12 days clear and it was a long time since I didn't do so well. Now I have 5 days clear and still counting, and I think I am in a good vibe. The fact that I use the Fortify program from association Fight The New Drug helps me, maybe because I paid for it, that's not a big amount of money (especially if you compare it with what you can earn, which is priceless !) but I think it definitly sets my brain in a more proactive mode. Sometimes it recalls me "Hey man, if you paid for this program it means you did consider this battle as something important for you and your life, right ? And if it was important for you in that very moment, that's probably still important for you right now, even if your f**king limbic brain tries to convince you that it's not..." Of course I don't say that it's the only option, but for me the "package" Reboot-Nation + Fortify Program is efficient. I was losing my faith after almost 2 years of struggle, and it gave me a boost. Anyway, whichever is the method, it's always up to me to make it come true and effective.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #36 on: January 21, 2017, 06:48:41 AM »
I've tried to "surf the urges" as recommended from here to here, and I totally failed : urges have surfed me. So much that now I'm fu**ed again, sticked into tha gloomy putty shit, bwaaaa.... And something I noticed once again and which is totally anything but scientifical : I have f**cking bad luck any time after my binge periods. I feel bad, and bad things happen to me, most of the time not big issues, but simply some small but unpleasant things, which remind me that my own place is not here, that I'm just dog shit which sticks to the soles of humanity, something like that. OK, I stop with complaining and saying lame things, but you get the idea. For a reason I totally ignore, shaking too much my dick makes me feel bad in real life, that's clear. My conclusion : let's stop surfing the urges, let's f**k them ! Waaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr....
« Last Edit: January 28, 2017, 04:29:49 PM by Philgood63 »
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Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #37 on: January 28, 2017, 04:36:08 PM »
Now 7 days since I felt so bad and I say it again : Bad things happen to me after each of my pon binges ! So what ? Paranormal phenomena ? Nope, I think it can easily be explain : each time I binge, I let myself be... less. Less into the instant, less caring about my dignity (or what it's left of...), less human in a way. Less ready to make any effort. Less myself maybe. Anyway, that's totally clear to me : there is an effect, any time I touch myself too much, I become someone I don't like to be. I'm really determined to stop being that douchebag, so the only way is reboot. No pain, no gain !
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #38 on: February 23, 2017, 01:58:09 PM »
Hanging on there because I felt I was in need to read some stories similar to mine... I did 14-days streak a few time ago and I'm determined to be better than that now. I think I can do it, but I have to keep in mind what are my real goals, especially feeling better, more connected to life, even if I do not gain anything alse, that's an experience I still want to live.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #39 on: March 04, 2017, 04:02:51 PM »
I'm in a f**king mood today, I just feel angry against all that shit, that industry that f**ked me, all those b**ches that look the same to me, all those f**ing p**n sites that are also all the same, all that time I wasted for this, and finally : against myself, who did this on my own, like a f**king rat in a laboratory that does the crappy things that mad scientists imagined, falling into the f**king trap those motherf**ers designed ! You know, always the same old thing : "despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"... but I want this to change, f**k, I shall be more clever than a f**king rat or what ? So, let's prove this, man...
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #40 on: June 28, 2017, 01:41:10 PM »
Hey Nation,

Looks like it's time for a little check-in there. First of all, to say again and again that I'm not down. I've had great progress since last months. Partly thanks to the Fortify Program. That's not much, that's most of the time just reminders of the situation, the ways to fight, the things that we can gain in this effort... but I feel it's worth remembering this for me, from time to time, and Fortify helps me in this task. Especially the included tracker is very positive-minded to my opinion, because it shows me more progress than failures, and that makes me feel better. Now I feel as if I was in the middle of the battlefield : I've been gaining inches then feets of ground thorough the days of battle, and now it's too late for getting back, my only option is to keeping moving forward, as slowly as it can be, nevermind, I keep on progressing. Do I feel more energy, or something else ? Well, to be honnest, right now, I don't know. I don't feel that bad, nor great, I think once again that I'm in the middle of something, that's fuzzy, that's foggy, a little bit chaotic, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I can see it.
Take care all of you.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #41 on: July 09, 2017, 05:28:40 PM »
May sound odd, but I more and more appreciate the fact that it's difficult, tricky, long and uncomfortable. That's probably the only thing I've ever made in my life that is difficult on purpose, and - once again it's odd to say this - that makes me feel alive. In a sense it's like that Ministry song that Johnny Cash fantastically covers (I think it can be heard in the Logan movie soundtrack), which says somthing like "Today I hurt myself, just to see if I still feel, if I was still alive", and that's more or less the feeling I experience. I feel it helps me.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #42 on: July 27, 2017, 02:12:27 PM »
Once again I have to write something that will probably seem strange at least, or maybe provocative, or even totally pretentious and dumb. But that's not my aim, that's really what I feel today : I am under the impression that I have seen e-very-thing on the net that is porn ! Well, I mean, of course (and fortunately for me !) I have not really seen everything, but when I come to fail and look at this, everything looks the same to me, and I quickly lose any interest for this stuff, it's as boring as to breathe air. Even things that may be "new" look like "always the same shit", and in a way, that's true... What would be really "new" for me would be to get my fingers out of my ass and go meet real people ! Yeah, I'm gonna do this.
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TakeActionNow

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #43 on: July 27, 2017, 05:20:10 PM »
May sound odd, but I more and more appreciate the fact that it's difficult, tricky, long and uncomfortable. That's probably the only thing I've ever made in my life that is difficult on purpose, and - once again it's odd to say this - that makes me feel alive. In a sense it's like that Ministry song that Johnny Cash fantastically covers (I think it can be heard in the Logan movie soundtrack), which says somthing like "Today I hurt myself, just to see if I still feel, if I was still alive", and that's more or less the feeling I experience. I feel it helps me.

Phil,
thanks for sharing.
The truth is, PMO is easy to achieve. Anything achieved too easier has not lasting benefits.

But the real sense of feeling good and personal achievement must come from effort.
That is what we are giving now when taking the real route w/o PMO.
We cannot fool ourselves with shortcuts.
And once we know the difference and experience real satisfaction, the falseness of PMO holds no attraction for us anymore.

I think you're there.
Go forward and live a good honest meaningful and real life free of false PMO.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #44 on: August 06, 2017, 06:39:32 AM »
Thanks a lot TakeActionNow, your words are right, that's exactly the point : living something that is real, genuine. These days I have the feeling that it's quite related with meditation. I mean, it's not necessary to use meditation to reach this, but the thing that meditation aims at is necessary : being there, in the instant, being myself, being a "whole" and not just a body and a mind, separated one from each other. Of course porn is not the only cause, there are many other things in our life that keeps us far from the instant, and dissociated, but definitly porn is a piece of the puzzle, because it perfectly fits with the "virtual" life we are most of us living, I say "virtual" having the meaning of something that is not true, not there, not now (to my opinion there are things on the web that are true, there, and now, and there are things we can touch that are untrue, not there, not now). I want to re-gain something that is true and I know it only can be achieved through an effort. Thanks again, man, and all of you down here, let's do this.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Philgood63

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Re: New new new new... new try
« Reply #45 on: October 12, 2017, 12:06:22 PM »
Hey there,

Time for a milestone along this road, I think. It's been a long time since I did not hang up there, and back in the game I feel that everything I said, and any of you folks said, in my thread or in the whole Reboot Nation site, is clearly TRUE. I do not just read it, say it, or understand it, I FEEL it, that's quite different. And I feel that it's more than worth doing it, and starting from scratch again and again and again, I don't care, we don't care, cos' starting again and again is just the true path. I feel that I'm more real than I was before, and more THERE than I ever used to be. By the way, 2 weeks ago I met a woman and we were really in tune, and then she told me "let's stay friends" and I'm OK with this, I don't care, I need as many - if not more - friends than I need a woman in the sense people usually understand it. If I come to "need a woman", today that sounds to me as lame as "I need to watch porn", you know ? I don't "need a woman", I need hanging up with people I like and who like me, I need talking with people that are interesting to talk with, I need to feel happy fellows around me, I don't need to listen to my limbic brain that only wants "this", you know, this "thing". What's the point ? Is life just filling and then emptying my testicles ????? WTF ? I need to live, I don't need to fullfil my prehistoric urges. Thanks Nation, take care, all of you.
Neither lover nor wanker !