New new new new... new try

Hey all,

So here am I again (and again...), giving this thing a new (new...) try, 3 monthes after I had given up, I thought once and for all. I think I was desperate not to see any improvement, constantly losing my focus... The reboot had become just another way for me to lose, just one more fail in my life. Well I was wrong of course, but I needed to have a rest and figure this out. I did not really binged during those weeks. I look at P of course, I did PMO yes, but it was not as "before", when I first discovered all that shit, when I didn't know YBOP and RN, when I did not see the problem, finally when I thought that this would represent the rest of my life : PMO / sleep / work / PMO / sleep / work... Now I know that's not a fate, but that's hard work to overcome this and I losed my forces along this long road.

So what's new ? Why am I back on there ? As I said, I did not binged, but I gradually went through same old pattern with PMO, finally losing any interest in it, but unable not to get back to it, as for any drug of course. I was losing my time, more than anything, and did not get any pleasure in return. I was stuck again in this pattern, I was an addict again even if the dose was lighter than before. I was fed up with this.

I don't want to say any more that I'm strong, that I will bravely fight PMO as if it was the dragon, that "this was my last relapse", blah blah blah... OK, I already did this, I had to do this and we all have to (well, it's my opinion, don't know if it's true for anyone), but now is a second phase. Now I know my ennemy and I know he's far stronger than me. I know I'm not strong, let's be realistic, I'm half depressed, alone, and I carry on ten years of PMO in my back... I know that my one and only force is my persistance, and my ability to get up any time I will fall, and I know I will fall. I don't care. I will improve my skills to raise up anyway, that's the only thing that counts for me.

I will not write so much in this thread, I will not write any time I fail, but I will keep the contact with the forum and try not to lose my goal. I just want to keep fighting and being a better man at the end of the day.

So I lasted 5 days without PMO for my first attempt to stop this crap after 3 ou 4 monthes. I'm not angry or sad because I failed, I know I will fail again and again and again... I just wish I will step up just one more time than I failed. That will be enough to win.

Make up your mind that porn is not an option.

No matter the justification. No matter the mind games your brain plays with you.

Porn. Is. not. An. Option.

Then make up your mind that you will succeed. You won't fail. You will win.

Once you reach that mindset, you'll accomplish your goals. 

It's all in your mindset. If I can quit after 12 or 14 years of daily PMO, you can quit too.

It's all in your mindset. Porn. Is. not. An. Option.

Yep, Not an option, you're totally true.

I would add that it's worse than Not an option, it's an "option" that leads you nowhere but in a pit, deep and dirty. I've experienced this again during last monthes, even if it was far from my darkest times with P, anyway the problem was the same : I was just losing my time, experiencing no relief and no joy, and the whole thing soon turned to a weird routine, like every drug I assume. In fact PMO was just preventing me from doing the things in life that I love to do. So : bullshit, out of my life.

Now it's clear to me that I had very low level of energy since a few weeks and I can't help thinking there was a link with my PMO addiction that was back. Thanks to my own God, I got back to Reboot Nation and back to the basics.

Already feeling better !

Only 4th day and I already have a voice between Nick Cave and Mark Lanegan, really... F**k yeah I love that ! Would it be the only side effect of reboot, that would be worth doing it, and there will be so much other nice effects... Can't wait to experience them.

Hey Phil - I'm sure you can do this reboot. Especially as all the great effects of no porn kick back in - increased energy and motivation, more sleep, more time, feeling more sociable, better at work, more organised and energized life. Yes, there's the downsides, the cravings, that feeling of absolute certainty "I MUST use porn now", and the illusion of "Oh what's the point". Time seems to make everything easier, and every desperate desire I've had to use porn in the first few weeks turned out to be a lie, and it didn't kill me not using porn. Now it's becoming much easier. I post every day here, whatever is happening, and read YBOP every day. If I use porn again, I'll keep posting. My life's too short and precious to waste on porn.  Maos

Thanks a lot Middleagedos, your words got straight to the point, really, I came hanging up there like, you know "what's the f**king point of this ?", exactly what you depict when our sick addicted brain tries to lie to us. Knowledge is power, that's right, as soon as I read your words I realized I was stucked in this trap, well, not totally stucked thankfully because I had the positive energy to have a look at Reboot Nation before losing my time and my faith and my interest in life, with all that crappy thing. Now I'm gonna call a friend of mine and that will be much much wisely spent time. Thanks again.

Like you, I cannot say that I have successfully defeated this demon... yet. But you and I WILL win this battle. Keep up the vision of the man and the person you want to be. In little baby steps, you can and will move closer and closer to that "best version of yourself."

Hi guys,

Thanks Getagrip, you're right, we have to keep in mind that man we want to be. To be honnest I'm not sure he actually exists (I speak only for my own), but nevermind... if I can become something close to this I will be quite happy. No more winner's quotes, I became humble along this journey, and little baby steps will make my day.

I did "it" yesterday and now I'm feeling neither bad nor good, not really ashamed, not despaired, not euphoric... It just looks like I'm feeling... nothing. I hardly feel I'm "here". I think my brain is still totally in the fog, I need to have a long enough break with PMO if I want to get out of this foggy valley. Right now I even don't feel anything for real women, I just don't care. But I don't feel like PMO'ing either, I just don't see the point. Just wan't to listen to stoner rock and watching zombie movies. I'll probably go through this state throughout the week or so. Then some more good news I hope. Take care all of you !

And now, yet another wasted day... I was anable to think about something else, and so I looked at "it"... I think I even didn't want this, it was kind of forced, so that I'm done with this shit and can move on. Such a waste... and to think I do this every time I'm feeling depressed and alone, and then after the f**king PMO session, I just feel even more depressed and alone, and then... I'm really sick of this endless pattern, but I just feel too depressed and weak to break it. I think I'll ask my therapist for some more drugs, so that I don't feel anything, at least for a while. I know the theory, I've read all the YBOP stuff, but I just can't apply it during a serious amount of time... OK I feel relly depressed and I know it makes me saying shit, but I just hope that will give me that kick in the ass I need to move on.

I know it's not a "positive" post, but that's it : sometimes things aren't just fine, your life turns to shit and I prefer to be aware of this fact and saying it honnestly. That's the beginning of moving on right ?

When you find yourself on the edge of going to P, do an alternate activity. For me I've had success so far in coming to these forums instead of P.

Thanks Getagrip, your advice is true. I used to do this in the past but I've forgot to keep on doing, when time's passing by... Well, I also have to say that hanging on Reboot Nation has lost its power for me, probably because I got used to it, and then my limbic brain is more and more powerfull to act against it, I don't know, that's my guess.

Anyway, I have many other things to do when I'm on the edge, and I also forgot them, that's clearly a mistake. I neglected to have an updated to-do-list and that's also a mistake. Now I will keep one updated, and I will write some things that can easily be completed when I'm about to look at P, such as workout, fixing things (and god knows I have so many things to fix in my house), calling friends, playing music... anything that I will not be ashamed of, and that will make me better, rather than this P bulls**t that takes me down.

Something else I notice and which can help me : these days, I was not angry. I mean, I was not angry against P, I was just thinking I had to get away from it, but I didn't have any anger against this thing that made me lost hours and days of my life, just as if it was not very important, not a serious issue. F**k yeah that's serious !!! F**k that shit, it took me a part of my life, it turned me mad, it modified my brain, it prevented me to do things I love to do, it really f**ked me up and I'm not angry ?!?!?!?! F**k that, I'm not Jesus, I HAVE to be angry, I have to be like Red, the worst angry bird ! Any time I've been angry, any time it gave me more strength against the addiction. So : F**k you P, I have a life now, I have things to do, bye and rot in hell !

Hi Philgood63 - firstly, I'm jealous of your Nick Cave/Mark Lanegan voice!  I llike singing, but I am more Kermit the frog!

I have been having a think about what you say in your journal, and it's brought these things to mind...

Firstly - and I hope it's OK for me to ask this -  I wonder if you've thought of challenging the thoughts you have about how weak you are against P? Sounds like life is pretty tough for you right now.  But is it true, when you think 'I am too weak to do this'?  To me those sound like the sort of thoughts we all have when we are trying to persuade ourselves to give in.  Try this: imagine the addict in you was like a little devil sitting on your shoulder.  Imagine it wants you to give in to what it wants.  Wouldn't it say that, to make you feel hopeless?  Tell you you are too weak to ever win?  It knows if you feel hopeless you will give in.

The truth is, if you really want to you can avoid PMO.  The little devil can say lots of stuff to you.  But it can't move your hands to the computer keyboard.  Imagine for example - and this is a little dramatic - if someone held a gun to your head, saying 'if you PMO, I will blow your brains out!'.  I bet, no matter how intense the urges you would avoid PMOing then!  Feelings can be intense - but they can't control your actions.

Having said that, giving up an addiction is hard.  Do-able, but hard.  Most people have relapses before they get free.  I therefore wonder if you would find a structured program helpful.  I am using the Fortify program -  it helps you think about what you value in life more than P, gives you some strategies for dealing with intense urges - and very importantly, I think, explains why the approach of pure determination 'I WILL JUST DO THIS!!!!' does not really work. 

I am finding it really helpful
https://fortifyprogram.org/

So some thoughts there - take what's helpful and leave the rest!

I wish you all good things,

AT.

Thanks a lot Anothertry, what you say definitly makes sense for me ! Yes it's right there is a little bit of little devil / limbic brain that sets me in this "I'm too weak for this" mood. And it's even more powerful because there is also a  little bit of truth in this, yes I've been weak against this addiction since 2-3 years, I've tried and tried and lost again and again, I even made the 90 days break and then fell again, back to zero... And it's true I'm weak because I really don't see any other option. I've tried in the past to talk with girls but that was always kind of "hey, you CAN'T talk to me you are not allowed to ask me for a date, because you're just a child / alien / fridge / M12 bolt, and I'm a girl, I'm not a child / alien / fridge / M12 bolt", you know ? So, f**k that, I prefer to forget it. I'm also truely weak because I experience depression and low level of energy. I'm afraid to talk about this with anyone because they will throw their winners' quote at my face : "hey, you just have to get rid of depression, feeling fine, and then regain energy !" Right. Thanks a lot for advice dudes. I promise that next time I don't need anything I will give you a call.

Anyway... that's all for complaining ! OK, I'm aware I'm weak against the addiction, but I don't say it's forever, and I don't say it's not worth trying, even if it's f**king difficult. So I try ! And, Anothertry, your link with this method is of great help, thatks again man ! Not sure I'll dive into it right now, but just looking at the short explanations on the website gives me strength, because it reminds me of many things I already know,  but did forget to use. Having a strategy against addiction as a whole, and urges in particular, beeing aware of my patterns of relapse and the triggers involved... Yeah that's simple and powerful, and it's worth reading this again.

I want to give this a new try, I mean, not just trying to "beat addiction" without a plan, I mean trying to build a strategy, writing exactly what I value in my life, what I expect to do when urges are coming... and if I find it still too difficult, yes I'll directly go to this method.

Hey, that's already a plan and a raise in energy, isn't it ? Thanks again Anothertry, my best wishes for you and now I get back to tracks !

One week now, and I'm not feeling that bad. My limbic brain starts to engage discussion and negociation, but as far as I can identify this phase, I don't care. It looks like the situation when someone tries to buy you something at a very low price. You know the price of what you're selling, so you don't even engage negociation. It's that simple. It's more difficult if you have doubts, if you don't really know the price, if you're not really sure to sell the thing, and - even worse - if you are really in need of money now ! As soon as you are stucked in this situation, you're f**ked. You start negociation, then the buyer knows that you're f**ked and that he can lower the price easily... that's really same process I think, when the limbic brain knows that you're in need of release, it knows that it can f**k you easily, it's just a matter of time. I'm sick of this. OK I know I will give up to my bad habit sooner or later, so what ? Not a reason to give up now. I know I'll never met a real woman, so what ? Not a reason to destroy myself, and what remains of my self-esteem. Do I really "need" to look at P right now ? What will happen if I don't ? Will my balls explode ? F**k no. Will I met HOCD problems again ? Yes sure. Is this what I want ? F**k no.

Good to read your post Phil. Keep up the good work, mate.

Thanks a lot fyg for hanging out there on my thread and writing here a few words, that's of great help, you know, mate ! Basically I came here because I was starting to feel the urge for P and then I thought I coulp find help here. Exactly ! And I think I will also try this method for which Anothertry sent me a link. That sounds nice and I definitly need help now, so why not ? I've been in a very weird state these days, as I tried P but I did not enjoyed it at all, so that I even not had any orgasm, that was just impossible ! I was not really aroused by what I was seeing, my limbic brain just got me in this place, but my real brain was keeping on saying "hey, what's that weird place and wtf are we doing here ? That's so insane..." Well I guess it's a positive sign... Anyway HOCD is more and more a problem to me and I really need to get rid of that shit, and I know it can't be done without quiting PMO once and for all, so...

I have seen a few references to HOCD in this forum. I have wondered myself why I have been attracted to images of naked males.

At first these were photos of well-endowed men, which sort of amazed me since I had never had any occasion to see men in such massive states of arousal. Over time, it became more average-sized guys. These photos inspired in me the man I wanted to be. Slim, clean shaven or a 5 o'clock shadow, in good physical shape, they reminded me to take care of my body. They almost all have the same (average) penis size and hairiness that I do and reflect what I feel in my most personal, auto-erotic moments. My sexual self-image. I never imagined myself participating with them. It was more of a mirror.

Now I realize how that screwed with my brain. My sexual self-image is nothing without my wife and the pleasure we should be sharing together. This is the man I want to be, the man I will be.

No worries, Phil. It's all I can honestly write at the moment (i mean, that too many words lose the message for me at the moment). So, simple stuff; I'm glad it's enough. Sending good vibes to you, mate.

Keep up the good work Phil!

Hope you like Fortify.  I'm finding it very helpful.