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Topics - kitesandflights

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / What can he DO for his wife?
« on: January 22, 2015, 09:04:59 AM »
First off, HI! I'm new, alone and want to reach out!

I'm a wife of an addict, I've only known for a little over a month. My husband of not even two years was confronted by me because of that evil little thing called an internet history. I sometimes question my decision to marry him, knowing good and well he was not expressive nor very sexual even long before all of this. I am sexual, I have needs, I have done it ALL (setting up romantic moods, outfits, dancing... the list goes on and on and on... I have resorted to begging, which almost never works and even when it does I rarely get an O.) Yet I made the commitment and although I thought we were working through it, from almost once a month to almost twice a month, I didn't realize this was what was between us.

I always knew there was a wedge, a gap, I couldn't explain it. I always felt like I was put second. I never was the first thing on his mind. He was always distracted by something: work, money, hobbies, video games, wanting to just talk. My husband isn't expressive. He doesn't write notes, bring flowers, cook dinner, surprise me with loving things (which of course is not a requirement!)... but not even so much as look at me for longer than a moment or reach out as a simple gesture to hug, kiss or hold my hand. He sometimes forgets to say I love you and I now record in my journal when he tells me I'm beautiful so that I don't forget he told me that last Thursday after I asked him if I looked okay. is our favorite site thus far. I have learned about this issue in depth because of it and I am so thankful for places like this that offer comfort to me as I grow and learn in the wake of this overwhelming problem.

I can't find one thing online, what does the husband do for the wife? Action wise... like I have read, words are useless because trust is broken. When a man says something he shouldn't to his wife, or he gets caught doing something, the old school method was, "DUDE BUY HER FLOWERS RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE SO SCREWED." Obviously flowers are not the most important part of a relationship, for me it's seen as an easy way out, but nonetheless, actions show love, not words. I try to show my husband I love him by making him a dinner he will enjoy, sending him loving texts throughout the day. I constantly give and give and give. For men who already have an issue expressing love especially if it is a symptom of his addiction, shouldn't there be some sort of support system for the woman provided by the man who promised to take care of her? He is alone and she is alone, either in lie or in truth they are asked to be divided and not equally so...

So the information seems to go like this:

The guy is going through something personal, internal, where he needs to fix himself on the inside and seek help in doing so. There are so many suggestions out there for him to help himself get over this: Nofap movement, avoiding the internet, avoiding triggers, replacing urges with exercise and other activities, being honest, seeking professional help...etc.  I'm ALL FOR IT! I'm so happy that there are sources for my husband if he wants to learn how to help himself.

The wife (or girlfriend) is also going through something personal, internal and is suffering from jealousy, guilt and self loathing. It's confusing and she needs to find help for herself to heal herself from the inside.

BUT there's more for the wife! You have to be understanding, accepting, a good listener and not shame or condone his actions. You have to stand there and take it while these things get laid down on you like a ton of bricks. You have to live in fear that you are never going to be enough. You sit waiting for that moment when he comes clean and tell you about his day at work where a trigger was simple a picture of "an average girl on a bulletin board I walked passed, and she was wearing a sweater." It hurts to think about these things, but my reaction has to be calm, comforting and I cannot express my true desire to scream, cry and beat on his chest asking, "Why?! Why are you doing this to me?! Why are you looking at her and not me?!" The pain is deep and scarring and you are asked to be supportive, to show your love like you always have by being subservient and putting your emotions aside to make your husband comfortable. You also continue your wifely duties, you have to keep showing your love, making him dinner he loves, sending him loving texts, taking the time to do all of those special things... sometimes you give so much it seems like its sucking the life out of you because you'd rather die than let him think you don't love him.

Where's the advice column that reads "WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR WIFE, NOW THAT SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH"
Key word here is DO. I believe in the transparency rule. I believe in honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts to say and hurts to hear. I know that avoiding blame is important. I know that denial needs to be shot down. Because in truth, the most important thing you can do for her is to get that help, follow those rules and conquer this problem.

But what about external actions? I think it would be wise for my husband to begin turning the tables and learning to give a little bit more. In this process of rebooting and rebuilding yourself as man, I think maybe it's the perfect opportunity to also rebuild yourself as a husband. Learn to cook dinner, learn that she doesn't really like flowers and would rather you do something specific for her, learning how to give her the O she has been asking for for years... I don't know! I feel like maybe I'm being selfish! I know it's my symptom of this too. But as a loving wife who has been seeking for that part of my man for so long, I can't help but hope that he will attempt to make things right by actively doing to remind me that he does love me. The one thing that would show me that he is still in love with me would be to try to show, don't tell.

Ok, hit me with it... I'm a crazy lunatic brat of a wife aren't I?

Now that I've written a book here, I can't wait to go browsing and reading everyone else's posts!

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