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Messages - kitesandflights

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: HELP!!!!!!!!
« on: January 29, 2015, 06:52:49 AM »
Dora,

You have a decision to make. If you choose to go down this road, know that it is a hard one. You have to read the information. His addiction is in his brain. If you haven't already, watch the videos, read the science. Yourbrainonporn.com is one that I highly recommend and most people are using to learn about this.

First off, it's not your fault. It's not your relationship's fault, even if it is long distance. If he has an addiction, he will have to seek help on his own. Not just trying to stop, but joining the forum, going to meetings, getting a therapist, having an accountability partner and working a program. It's not easy work and it will be hard to convince him as he may not be ready to accept this. You can help him by sharing the information with him, getting him to realize what he is doing to himself and also helping him to realize what it does to you can help sometimes. But ultimately you cannot make him, and it can be the hardest truth.

Addicts are more attached to their addiction than you. And their brains will get them to lie to you. They will get them to do things they wouldn't usually do.

You're brain is also going to go through changes after knowing this. I'm so sorry for all the pain you must be feeling, all the other significant others here know exactly what you're going through, starting here is a good place. There are others who have more information on how you can find peace and help for yourself. Remember to stay calm, take care of yourself and know that you cannot control everything, you are what is important.

Stay strong, dear, and keep reaching out. There is also http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/index.php where I also post. We don't have to go through this alone.

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As a wife, I was drawn to this post, and it brings me much hope. I congratulate you on choosing to switch your focus and in choosing your relationship to focus on, I believe you do more than just help yourself look away from the porn...

When you look inwards to the relationship and at your woman, you are probably looking at a person who feels alone, scared and neglected. Choosing your relationship and your woman as something to rebuild can also rebuild her confidence and help her heal. She will also needs your help in recovering from this, as you may need her support. It is a cross both must carry.

I think it's noble of you and I love this post so much I think I might cry.

Well done, sir, well done.

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I'm a wife of an addict.

You have to remember you have choices too. Your reaction is normal. Your pain is normal. Just like his addiction is, well, common. Just as you think he needs help, do not forget yourself in this. You may also want to seek therapy for this particular issue. It will break you down and as you have chosen to stand strong and try to bring the mirror to his face... yet, you have to do it with love. It cannot be for yourself to try to stop it for jealousy, or thinking it will cure your pain... You each have to work on yourself through this. As unfair as that might seem, he has to stop for himself so that his life can be better and coincidentally, it will make the relationship better. But don't forget yourself in this... Take care of yourself so that you can be better, stronger for him, for the relationship as you battle this together. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Stay strong.

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"It isn't how I want to be.  I want to be able to let all the pain and anger go.  I want to trust him.  I want us to be happy together.  I am still struggling with how to do all of that."

I know the feeling. Questioning if it's even something you want to deal with. How can we still love a man who can hurt us so deeply. It's because we know that it's not really him that is the problem. We know these men for the kind and loving people they are. We know these men for being strong and intelligent. We don't know them as they are in their private sexual lives, and it's a mask they wear to save face because they themselves don't consider that to be themselves and who they truly are.

Sometimes I don't think there is any help for us, that there is no cure for this pain.

But I tell you this, I already feel a glimmer of hope, as I schedule a appointment with a therapist for myself. I also scheduled couples counseling, which he agreed to. He also agreed to seek professional help for himself individually. Even though the appointments are a week away, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel is LONG and DARK and lonely, but there is light- at least for me, in knowing that there is going to be someone who will listen to me, to us, to him... I suggest you seek help. There are many inexpensive therapy options if it's something you seek, I would be happy to help research places in your area to find reasonable rates. I don't think addiction is something that can be cured without help and support. We are in love with addicts and we need all the help we can get.

STAY STRONG

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / What can he DO for his wife?
« on: January 22, 2015, 09:04:59 AM »
First off, HI! I'm new, alone and want to reach out!

I'm a wife of an addict, I've only known for a little over a month. My husband of not even two years was confronted by me because of that evil little thing called an internet history. I sometimes question my decision to marry him, knowing good and well he was not expressive nor very sexual even long before all of this. I am sexual, I have needs, I have done it ALL (setting up romantic moods, outfits, dancing... the list goes on and on and on... I have resorted to begging, which almost never works and even when it does I rarely get an O.) Yet I made the commitment and although I thought we were working through it, from almost once a month to almost twice a month, I didn't realize this was what was between us.

I always knew there was a wedge, a gap, I couldn't explain it. I always felt like I was put second. I never was the first thing on his mind. He was always distracted by something: work, money, hobbies, video games, wanting to just talk. My husband isn't expressive. He doesn't write notes, bring flowers, cook dinner, surprise me with loving things (which of course is not a requirement!)... but not even so much as look at me for longer than a moment or reach out as a simple gesture to hug, kiss or hold my hand. He sometimes forgets to say I love you and I now record in my journal when he tells me I'm beautiful so that I don't forget he told me that last Thursday after I asked him if I looked okay.

Yourbrainonporn.com is our favorite site thus far. I have learned about this issue in depth because of it and I am so thankful for places like this that offer comfort to me as I grow and learn in the wake of this overwhelming problem.

I can't find one thing online, what does the husband do for the wife? Action wise... like I have read, words are useless because trust is broken. When a man says something he shouldn't to his wife, or he gets caught doing something, the old school method was, "DUDE BUY HER FLOWERS RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE SO SCREWED." Obviously flowers are not the most important part of a relationship, for me it's seen as an easy way out, but nonetheless, actions show love, not words. I try to show my husband I love him by making him a dinner he will enjoy, sending him loving texts throughout the day. I constantly give and give and give. For men who already have an issue expressing love especially if it is a symptom of his addiction, shouldn't there be some sort of support system for the woman provided by the man who promised to take care of her? He is alone and she is alone, either in lie or in truth they are asked to be divided and not equally so...

So the information seems to go like this:

The guy is going through something personal, internal, where he needs to fix himself on the inside and seek help in doing so. There are so many suggestions out there for him to help himself get over this: Nofap movement, avoiding the internet, avoiding triggers, replacing urges with exercise and other activities, being honest, seeking professional help...etc.  I'm ALL FOR IT! I'm so happy that there are sources for my husband if he wants to learn how to help himself.

The wife (or girlfriend) is also going through something personal, internal and is suffering from jealousy, guilt and self loathing. It's confusing and she needs to find help for herself to heal herself from the inside.

BUT there's more for the wife! You have to be understanding, accepting, a good listener and not shame or condone his actions. You have to stand there and take it while these things get laid down on you like a ton of bricks. You have to live in fear that you are never going to be enough. You sit waiting for that moment when he comes clean and tell you about his day at work where a trigger was simple a picture of "an average girl on a bulletin board I walked passed, and she was wearing a sweater." It hurts to think about these things, but my reaction has to be calm, comforting and I cannot express my true desire to scream, cry and beat on his chest asking, "Why?! Why are you doing this to me?! Why are you looking at her and not me?!" The pain is deep and scarring and you are asked to be supportive, to show your love like you always have by being subservient and putting your emotions aside to make your husband comfortable. You also continue your wifely duties, you have to keep showing your love, making him dinner he loves, sending him loving texts, taking the time to do all of those special things... sometimes you give so much it seems like its sucking the life out of you because you'd rather die than let him think you don't love him.

Where's the advice column that reads "WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR WIFE, NOW THAT SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH"
Key word here is DO. I believe in the transparency rule. I believe in honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts to say and hurts to hear. I know that avoiding blame is important. I know that denial needs to be shot down. Because in truth, the most important thing you can do for her is to get that help, follow those rules and conquer this problem.

But what about external actions? I think it would be wise for my husband to begin turning the tables and learning to give a little bit more. In this process of rebooting and rebuilding yourself as man, I think maybe it's the perfect opportunity to also rebuild yourself as a husband. Learn to cook dinner, learn that she doesn't really like flowers and would rather you do something specific for her, learning how to give her the O she has been asking for for years... I don't know! I feel like maybe I'm being selfish! I know it's my symptom of this too. But as a loving wife who has been seeking for that part of my man for so long, I can't help but hope that he will attempt to make things right by actively doing to remind me that he does love me. The one thing that would show me that he is still in love with me would be to try to show, don't tell.

Ok, hit me with it... I'm a crazy lunatic brat of a wife aren't I?

Now that I've written a book here, I can't wait to go browsing and reading everyone else's posts!

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