Rebooting my life

Bigox

Member
New to this forum, decided to write a post as like everyone else all out stories are different but the goal is the same.
I?m 30 years old, been using P since I was early teens until 17/18 when I dated a girl for 5 years and then went on to have multiple one night stands with girls I knew after that until 7 years ago when everything dried up for some reason. So over the last 7 years I?ve PMO?d because I?ve been single and didn?t think of it doing any harm.....like most of us!

This year even with COVID I managed to meet the most incredible women ever, only for you know what to happen, I could only muster 50-60% erections. I don?t know if it was performance anxiety as she was very up front about how she wanted things and put a lot of pressure on my to perform even though I?d said to her I?ve been on my own for 7 years so I?d appreciate some time to get comfortable about things. Anyway things didn?t work out and we parted ways and have stayed friends.

This got me thinking very hard about my life and what had gone wrong for me to ruin what could have possibly been the one for me. I decided to quit smoking and also stop weed as well which I had dabbled with on and off all my life, some years I?d have breaks but it never had an effect on me when I was in a relationship previously. I also changed my diet and got back into running and weightlifting. I currently run 5km everyday after work and weight lift when the gyms are open! Thank god they reopen again tomorrow in the UK.

So during my thinking stage and already feeling low/depressed due to isolation and living on my own and obviously the relationship not working as hoped, plus quitting smoking, I then stumbled upon YBOP and Gabe Deem on YouTube. This got me thinking about my P use and whether I was suffering with PIED. I tend to not have any issue on my own without P and my MW has returned since I quit smoking. My P use started with normal vanilla stuff, then I went to just watching GG vids and cam sites. Then mostly over the last couple of years I have been using OF and getting pics from girls I know rather than using P sites.

I?ve got it in my head that I have PIED now which is playing with my head a bit as I can?t stop reading articles and forums. I have no urge to watch P at all since I said no more to try and continue improving my life.

If any guys who have rebooted or can relate to anything from my story I?d appreciate some feedback/tips.

Thanks in advance Ox
 

batman99

Member
Thanks for sharing your story Bigox. I also live in the UK and look forward to the gym being open. I wish you all the best on your journey ahead. Stay strong! :)
 
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Deleted member 17609

Guest
Hi Bigox,

Welcome on the forum. I am not recovered yet, but I have seen improvements regarding PIED since I started rebooting 8 months ago (my case is probably more severe than yours). Sounds to me like you have PIED as well. But with the will you have (quitting weed and nicotine is really not easy, and doing regular exercise either), I am not worried for you. You will recover your libido as time away from porn goes by. You are in the right place to find out all about it and discuss with other rebooters.

Good luck on your journey.
 

Bigox

Member
Quick update, MW and nocturnal erections are in full force. Every night I wake up multiple times having to rearrange or turn over. I?m trying to make a full blown effort not to MO. I?m currently 40 days without P but I?ve MO 4 or 5 times since I last watched P. I know this goes against the grain and I?m pushing to stay away from MO from manual stimulation until I feel confident enough to try and find a partner. I have started spending time with one of my ex?s for years ago, who actually happens to be the last person I slept with. In her head I?ve not changed at all, but we?ve not got down to anything yet and don?t know if anything will happen. I?ve told her all about PIED and quitting P and trying to quit MO as well. She keeps telling me nothing is wrong and she knows how good I am in the bedroom. So hopefully this will help me rewire and relax. Gain a bit of confidence about myself. I?ve lost 12kg body weight but gained some muscle mass over the last 3 months. Feeling a lot fitter and 3 month smoking and drug free! Onwards and upwards, 2021 I?m coming for you!
 
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Deleted member 17609

Guest
Damn, that?s good news. Happy for you, man. Just keep it up! Seems like PIED will soon be old memories for you. Take care, man, and keep updating. It?s nice to hear about other guys progress.
 

Bigox

Member
Well it?s been over a month since I last posted any updates. I?m now 78 days free of P! How the psychological side of will it or won?t it work is in full force and I?m having to reread success stories again to keep my head up. I?m still experiencing MW as stated previously. This hasn?t changed over the last month of so.
I?ve decided to stop my supplements, l-arginine and maca to see if this made a difference to my MW or not, but it seems like everything is the same whether I take them or not. I?ll go back to using them after a week off as I believe the l-arginine is helping with my exercise recovery from heavy lifting.
I have M?d 3 times without any P or fantasy, focusing on sensation alone. First 2 were the hardest erections I?ve had in ages on my own but the third wasn?t great, stood up and mentally going through the will it get hard loop in my head. I?d also just finished a long run when I got in the shower. This isn?t something I?ve done many times before in my life, so I?m not sure exactly why I tried or did M?!
I?ve previously had sex in the shower with one of my ex?s a number of times without any issues but this was some years ago.
I still think I have some way to go until I feel confident enough. Plus we are in lockdown in the UK so there is no meeting anyone to get to know.
I?ve arranged to see the girl who I had issues with last year when all the lockdown is over, however I want to keep things as friends for now. I think the previous experience will have an affect regardless on the situation.
Otherwise no other changes to think about. Still losing weight, still not smoking which is coming up for 4 months quit now. Hopefully my anxiety will disappear soon as I?ve never been anxious before.
 

Murgatroyd

Member
I remember L-Argenine.  Heh.  I'm commenting on your other question elsewhere, but looking through your posts, I wanted to say that when I am training as a cyclist, I also have had trouble in the past masturbating right after a CV workout. You said this:

"...but the third wasn?t great, stood up and mentally going through the will it get hard loop in my head. I?d also just finished a long run when I got in the shower."

My guess?  That was because it was right after your long run.  I wouldn't worry too much or over-analyze it too much.  There's a time and a place for M and right after a hard CV workout might not be the best time.  Take your girl out for Sushi or something :)  Catch your breath!
 

Bigox

Member
Murgatroyd said:
I remember L-Argenine.  Heh.  I'm commenting on your other question elsewhere, but looking through your posts, I wanted to say that when I am training as a cyclist, I also have had trouble in the past masturbating right after a CV workout. You said this:

"...but the third wasn?t great, stood up and mentally going through the will it get hard loop in my head. I?d also just finished a long run when I got in the shower."

My guess?  That was because it was right after your long run.  I wouldn't worry too much or over-analyze it too much.  There's a time and a place for M and right after a hard CV workout might not be the best time.  Take your girl out for Sushi or something :)  Catch your breath!


Thank you for the response @murgatroyd
I?ve not taken it to literal and I?m not kicking myself for it. More I think for the fact I did it when there is no need to do it. My goal is to abstain from M for the most part and generally just getting rid of it from my life all together. I guess without someone to get close to, it?s hard to find out if it?s working in a partnered situation. I think my arousal template has definitely been hampered over the last few years but also my performance anxiety has greatly increased since I last had a relationship. Time is a great healer and I?m working on improving my life in general and being free of addictions of any description. I think if I can overcome a class A drug addiction I can get through this.
 

Murgatroyd

Member
That all sounds just right, sir.

I'm still grappling with whether I'm addicted or not.  I realize full well I could be in denial, but at the same time I am pretty sure being interested in sex is the opposite of unhealthy.  So trying to work all that out.
 

Bigox

Member
Feeling in a better mood today and trying to stay positive about everything. Sometimes I feel everything is over exaggerated and this makes the whole journey even more psychological. I?m talking in general about everything and everyone. The more we think about it the more the belief is set into our thoughts.

I know it?s a very tough time at the moment especially when we are stuck inside during lockdown again. Can?t even go and see friends to take your mind off things or actually go into the office for work and be 100% focused on my work! It?s to easy to pick up the phone and start reading articles about all things reboot and recovery.

I still haven?t looked at or had the urge to look at P, so I don?t think I was that addicted to it as it was harder to quit smoking than stop watching P. I honestly feel I?ll never watch it again, I guess once I tell myself to do something I do it! Quit drugs, quit drinking, quit smoking and now quit porn and I?ve never gone back so far. Yes I have a drink every now and then but I didn?t have a drink for 9 years once I told myself to stop. I?ve not touched ecstasy in 12 years when I used to pop 20 pills a night at one stage.

I can?t wait for this covid shit to be over and get my life back to normal and chill with friends and family to take my mind off all of this as I believe the psychological factor of a reboot fucks you up just as much as a physical failure with a women.
 

Bigox

Member
Well......

Made it to day 91 of no porn and I was meditating as I do during my lunch break from work, when I noticed I was extremely hard and had to rearrange myself to continue to meditate. I was then going through some old emails and found some xrated photos of girls I?d chatted to / worked with which I quickly started deleting, just like when I had removed all my iCloud data at the start of this journey.

This was until I got to the last one which was of a girl who I worked with for years and fancied the hell out of her but she was always in a relationship until she moved back to her home town when they split up. This then made the erection return as I watched about 20 seconds of the video, 3 strokes and O?d!

I?m not sure how I feel about this, it wasn?t a binge but I did end up MOing. I?m 2 days on from this happening and I haven?t had any further situations. I?m still experiencing nocturnal erections and I don?t feel like I?m in any sort of flatline.

Time to get back on the horse and continue the journey, let?s get to another 90+ day steak!!!

 

Murgatroyd

Member
What you described would also be my own personal Kryptonite ... but only if you choose to look at it like that (I personally have a long-standing weakness for exes where the relationship didn't end because she broke up with me).  Is this the same woman (or different?) you said you were seeing back on December 17th?  Are you currently attached or unattached?

Over the last couple weeks, I have learned that my wife/partner feels insecure when I use porn, which is the actual reason she wanted me to stop.  She just felt better saying that I was the one with the problem.  Ultimately she owned it, which I found to be a great relief.  So I am doing it for ... her, and that makes it much easier for ... me.  As @Gracie wrote on my Journal, "Good for you giving up porn for whatever the reason."

So - you, @Bigox - 91 days - excellent!  I don't know at what point you can say you're cured and you can set about trying to have sex with a partner, but if it was me, I might be getting pretty close to that point.  I'm not doing a HARD REBOOT here, as I am married for 30 years and enjoy sex with my wife/partner regularly.  At our house we're just trying to clear out the porn noise.  You're younger and have more noise from it.  I'm an old dog, and it's a different problem for me.  I am quite glad to not be going through all the really awful stuff I am reading about that has been happening to younger men.

Keep on keeping on, @Bigox!

Murgs
 
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