Warrior_01
Member
Day 0
Hi.
My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.
I'm 30 years old. Soon will be my next birthday, and with it, my next failed promise to quit P and M in the year.
I'm Brazilian. So English is not my native language. There will be many misspelled words and grammatical errors. I don't know if anyone will read this Journal... But I decided to write in English; so I can make a brain effort, take more time reflecting the words or something... It was a time when I much wished to study and learn English, learn to sing, to play a flute, meditate every day and others naive dreams.
Those dreams are long gone.
I'm what is called "late bloomer", I guess.
I was 26 years old the first time I have sex. In my entire life, I have not kisses more than 5 different girls.
I'm a very shy person. That could explain some of it. I can't remember last time I flirted with a girl.
I began P and M around 22.
Alone at home, internet and free time. Two years later, I decided to stop it and make a better use of my time. I was surprised I could not stop, despite my intentions.
Lots of research I found what I fear the most: P is a global problem and a pandemic addiction. I knew it could cause me PIED. So I tried harder to stop. I watched the TED videos, read some studies, a lot of podcasters and stories, installed apps, ad blockers, safe searches, DNS blockers... But you all know the end of this story: nothing of it could make me stop.
So it got worse. In a practical way.
When I first tried to have sex with a girlfriend, I could not... I was standing there, 26 years old, having my very first time, with a real girl who looked good at me and wished for my company. And my body did not respond... My body did not respond at all... One of the most negative day's of my life.
I tried again and again in the next weeks, months and years. Some times it worked. Some times it did not. Now, 4 years after that day, I still have not the confidence to do any relations without pills or others workarounds.
Now, with home office due to Covid, it got even worse.
I have relapsed in the middle of work, in the middle of day, with a house full of people and only a semi-closed door to hide me.
In my youth, I was a smart kid. Honest. Best of my class, among the first ones of my family to finish superior degree and a promising future ahead.
Even today, many people that knew me that time believe I'm successful and satisfied person.
Many years back, I too thought this would be my destiny: A brilliant career, a beautiful wife, big house. All my efforts and results was leading that way.
It all stopped after P and M came to my life. Destroyed all my free time, energy, skills, motivation...
Now I have a boring job, a mediocre bank account and have been stagnated for many years.
From time to time I make some new course and try to learn a new skill or knowledge. Only to find out that my motivation is gone, with lots of brain fog and always thinking of images of P. Then I relapse again.
My room stinks. My clothes are sweet. My keyboard grosses me.
I wish I could start again. A million miles away.
Wish I have never found P. I wished I could be turned back to this young and smart kid full of hopes and naive dreams. I look to that kid today only with regret. And I'm so sorry I could not make your naive dreams come true. I'm so sorry.
This tears I hold now are not your fault, kid. You were a perfect kid. It's only my fault. I have not honored the memory of your future, my past. I have ruined my present.
The little future I have left, wished I could make a better use of it. Find the strength to go on.
I compromise every day to read someone's Journal and comment/motivate that person. And update my own.
My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.
I will fight it.
Hi.
My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.
I'm 30 years old. Soon will be my next birthday, and with it, my next failed promise to quit P and M in the year.
I'm Brazilian. So English is not my native language. There will be many misspelled words and grammatical errors. I don't know if anyone will read this Journal... But I decided to write in English; so I can make a brain effort, take more time reflecting the words or something... It was a time when I much wished to study and learn English, learn to sing, to play a flute, meditate every day and others naive dreams.
Those dreams are long gone.
I'm what is called "late bloomer", I guess.
I was 26 years old the first time I have sex. In my entire life, I have not kisses more than 5 different girls.
I'm a very shy person. That could explain some of it. I can't remember last time I flirted with a girl.
I began P and M around 22.
Alone at home, internet and free time. Two years later, I decided to stop it and make a better use of my time. I was surprised I could not stop, despite my intentions.
Lots of research I found what I fear the most: P is a global problem and a pandemic addiction. I knew it could cause me PIED. So I tried harder to stop. I watched the TED videos, read some studies, a lot of podcasters and stories, installed apps, ad blockers, safe searches, DNS blockers... But you all know the end of this story: nothing of it could make me stop.
So it got worse. In a practical way.
When I first tried to have sex with a girlfriend, I could not... I was standing there, 26 years old, having my very first time, with a real girl who looked good at me and wished for my company. And my body did not respond... My body did not respond at all... One of the most negative day's of my life.
I tried again and again in the next weeks, months and years. Some times it worked. Some times it did not. Now, 4 years after that day, I still have not the confidence to do any relations without pills or others workarounds.
Now, with home office due to Covid, it got even worse.
I have relapsed in the middle of work, in the middle of day, with a house full of people and only a semi-closed door to hide me.
In my youth, I was a smart kid. Honest. Best of my class, among the first ones of my family to finish superior degree and a promising future ahead.
Even today, many people that knew me that time believe I'm successful and satisfied person.
Many years back, I too thought this would be my destiny: A brilliant career, a beautiful wife, big house. All my efforts and results was leading that way.
It all stopped after P and M came to my life. Destroyed all my free time, energy, skills, motivation...
Now I have a boring job, a mediocre bank account and have been stagnated for many years.
From time to time I make some new course and try to learn a new skill or knowledge. Only to find out that my motivation is gone, with lots of brain fog and always thinking of images of P. Then I relapse again.
My room stinks. My clothes are sweet. My keyboard grosses me.
I wish I could start again. A million miles away.
Wish I have never found P. I wished I could be turned back to this young and smart kid full of hopes and naive dreams. I look to that kid today only with regret. And I'm so sorry I could not make your naive dreams come true. I'm so sorry.
This tears I hold now are not your fault, kid. You were a perfect kid. It's only my fault. I have not honored the memory of your future, my past. I have ruined my present.
The little future I have left, wished I could make a better use of it. Find the strength to go on.
I compromise every day to read someone's Journal and comment/motivate that person. And update my own.
My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.
I will fight it.