Warrior's Journey

Day 0

Hi.
My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.

I'm 30 years old. Soon will be my next birthday, and with it, my next failed promise to quit P and M in the year.
I'm Brazilian. So English is not my native language. There will be many misspelled words and grammatical errors. I don't know if anyone will read this Journal... But I decided to write in English; so I can make a brain effort, take more time reflecting the words or something... It was a time when I much wished to study and learn English, learn to sing, to play a flute, meditate every day and others naive dreams.
Those dreams are long gone.

I'm what is called "late bloomer", I guess.
I was 26 years old the first time I have sex. In my entire life, I have not kisses more than 5 different girls.
I'm a very shy person. That could explain some of it. I can't remember last time I flirted with a girl.

I began P and M around 22.
Alone at home, internet and free time. Two years later, I decided to stop it and make a better use of my time. I was surprised I could not stop, despite my intentions.
Lots of research I found what I fear the most: P is a global problem and a pandemic addiction. I knew it could cause me PIED. So I tried harder to stop. I watched the TED videos, read some studies, a lot of podcasters and stories, installed apps, ad blockers, safe searches, DNS blockers... But you all know the end of this story: nothing of it could make me stop.

So it got worse. In a practical way.

When I first tried to have sex with a girlfriend, I could not... I was standing there, 26 years old, having my very first time, with a real girl who looked good at me and wished for my company. And my body did not respond... My body did not respond at all... One of the most negative day's of my life.
I tried again and again in the next weeks, months and years. Some times it worked. Some times it did not. Now, 4 years after that day, I still have not the confidence to do any relations without pills or others workarounds.

Now, with home office due to Covid, it got even worse.
I have relapsed in the middle of work, in the middle of day, with a house full of people and only a semi-closed door to hide me.

In my youth, I was a smart kid. Honest. Best of my class, among the first ones of my family to finish superior degree and a promising future ahead.
Even today, many people that knew me that time believe I'm successful and satisfied person.
Many years back, I too thought this would be my destiny: A brilliant career, a beautiful wife, big house. All my efforts and results was leading that way.

It all stopped after P and M came to my life. Destroyed all my free time, energy, skills, motivation...
Now I have a boring job, a mediocre bank account and have been stagnated for many years.
From time to time I make some new course and try to learn a new skill or knowledge. Only to find out that my motivation is gone, with lots of brain fog and always thinking of images of P.  Then I relapse again.

My room stinks. My clothes are sweet. My keyboard grosses me.

I wish I could start again. A million miles away.

Wish I have never found P. I wished I could be turned back to this young and smart kid full of hopes and naive dreams. I look to that kid today only with regret. And I'm so sorry I could not make your naive dreams come true. I'm so sorry.
This tears I hold now are not your fault, kid. You were a perfect kid. It's only my fault. I have not honored the memory of your future, my past. I have ruined my present.
The little future I have left, wished I could make a better use of it. Find the strength to go on.



I compromise every day to read someone's Journal and comment/motivate that person. And update my own.

My name is M.
I have an addiction and I realize I stand powerless before that problem.
I will fight it.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello M,

My name starts with M as well.
Welcome to this forum, feel free to come here often and contribute with your thoughts and experiences everytime. We are with you.

The rest i cut a bit shorter:
First of all, please don't blame yourself. Self blame is amplifies what causes your relapses and so is every negative emotion. It's important to try to find the root emotion that is leading you towards PMO. What is PMO giving you? The idea that you can be with those people? Or is it you don't deserve what the people are doing there in your real life? Find out what it is. This can be a long journey, because it's not easy to 'dig' there.
The addiction as you know is strong, way stronger than we all thought. The addiction dictates us and is taking control over us (the autopilot). That is not us and therefore please blame the addiction for what it causes you. It's the right receiver.

Willpower alone won't help fighting this. Identify your triggers and build your very own strategy to avoid triggers and implement what increases your overall energy to make a fresh start in the fight.

Imsor
 

Conan

Member
Warrior_01 said:
Wish I have never found P. I wished I could be turned back to this young and smart kid full of hopes and naive dreams. I look to that kid today only with regret. And I'm so sorry I could not make your naive dreams come true. I'm so sorry.
This tears I hold now are not your fault, kid. You were a perfect kid. It's only my fault. I have not honored the memory of your future, my past. I have ruined my present.
The little future I have left, wished I could make a better use of it. Find the strength to go on.

I can relate so much with this that reading it brought me to tears. It was untill just a year ago I used to feel like this, untill I realized that it will destroy me if I don't let go of my pride and change things, so I can only advise the same thing to you. Let go, open up to people, this addiction THRIVES in loneliness. Talk about it with your family, your friends, people you thrust, you won't beat it alone. Try to find a girlfriend who understands what you are going through, it will help you tremendously. Go see a psychologist and try to fill your day with productive activities as much as you can, and socialise more and more instead of sitting alone in front of the screen. I know that all of this things are much easier said than done, but it's something you will have to do if you want to beat this properly. You have addmited that you have a problem to yourself, now addmit it to others and let them help you, don't let your pride and fear of their reactions hold you back, it's not worth it and this is something rarely anyone can beat alone properly.

It sucks getting your shit together in your 30s instead in your 20s, but I would gladly do it now then in my 40s or 50s, it's never to late to change yourself and start living. 
 
Hello M,

Your story very much mirrors that of my own, brother. I have heard this saying in many different ways so many times throughout my life, but I never really grasped its meaning fully and deeply:
 
    "If you fall down seven times, get up eight!" Or "it is not how many times you fall it is how many times you get back up and try again!"

With every failure you have a lesson waiting for you. Be aware of that lesson: smell it, taste it, feel it, embrace it and keep moving forward.

May you have the strength to continue up your path everyday, brother!

-BWT
 
imsorrynotsorry said:
Hello M,

My name starts with M as well.
Welcome to this forum, feel free to come here often and contribute with your thoughts and experiences every time. We are with you.

Thanks for receiving me in this forum, M. I realize now I can't win this fight only on my own.

First of all, please don't blame yourself. Self blame is amplifies what causes your relapses and so is every negative emotion.
It's tough, brother. All I can see now is that I should have more strength, more intelligence, more willpower. But I know you are absolutely right. In fact, I have just written down these words in a post it card and placed in front of my PC. I will try to remember this often

It's important to try to find the root emotion that is leading you towards PMO. What is PMO giving you? The idea that you can be with those people? Or is it you don't deserve what the people are doing there in your real life? Find out what it is. This can be a long journey, because it's not easy to 'dig' there.

Yes. I had spent a long time reflecting on this in my years of addiction. This is a good counsel, imsorrynotsorry. I believe this is a strong starting point for everyone trying to quit.

This is what I have found.
I look at P mainly for the following reasons, I think:
1 - I'm very shy. For that fact, most part of my whole life I haven't had any women near me, no girlfriend or even female friend. I long for company and for caring. Very much. So I look at P craving for female company.
2 - I'm not successful with women. For that fact, I know I will never have the opportunity to be with beautiful woman in my life. I looked at P so I can be with pretty woman, since this is my only opportunity.
3 - I know this holds contradictions with the fact above (2), but here it goes: Four years ago, I found a girlfriend. Then I thought P would be gone. My mistake. I keep looking at P so I could "compensate" for the lack of girlfriends I did not have in my life, since my girlfriend had many previously relations and I had none. And I keep looking because "I deserve" more attractive women. Lastly, I looked at P so I could learn new things to do with my newfound girl.

It's tough, brother. I'm trying to convince myself none of this 3 tremendous negative things are not true. And even with they were true, P it not the solution.
I take the opportunity to repeat this to myself and to everyone: P is not the answer. This negative affirmations are not true in my life! In anyone's life. Please, believe me, myself. And please, believe everyone!

Conan said:
I can relate so much with this that reading it brought me to tears. It was untill just a year ago I used to feel like this, untill I realized that it will destroy me if I don't let go of my pride and change things, so I can only advise the same thing to you. Let go, open up to people, this addiction THRIVES in loneliness. Talk about it with your family, your friends, people you thrust, you won't beat it alone. Try to find a girlfriend who understands what you are going through, it will help you tremendously. Go see a psychologist and try to fill your day with productive activities as much as you can, and socialise more and more instead of sitting alone in front of the screen. I know that all of this things are much easier said than done, but it's something you will have to do if you want to beat this properly. You have addmited that you have a problem to yourself, now addmit it to others and let them help you, don't let your pride and fear of their reactions hold you back, it's not worth it and this is something rarely anyone can beat alone properly.

It sucks getting your shit together in your 30s instead in your 20s, but I would gladly do it now then in my 40s or 50s, it's never to late to change yourself and start living. 

I thank you very much for the sympathy, Conan. Seeing that someone else relate to this, brought me once again to tears, just like when I first wrote it yesterday. It's deep and strong. And very sad. But I pray this tears will give us both strength to carry on.

What you ask, my friend, is near impossible to me... Yet, I know it's the right thing to do: to share my addiction with someone else. Many stories and podcast have I heard about this. Fighting alone it's way too dangerous and almost never with a good ending. It is as you say: "this addiction THRIVES in loneliness.". But as you can see above, I'm very shy and almost with no friends and close attachments, even family.
However, you mentioned a psychologist. This, I believe I can do. I will gather what I have left of strength in me and finding help.
I don't know if today psychologists are prepared to handle this kind of problem. I fear some are not even informed about this new form of modern addiction.
Thank you very much for the message.

beautywaytraveler said:
Hello M,

Your story very much mirrors that of my own, brother. I have heard this saying in many different ways so many times throughout my life, but I never really grasped its meaning fully and deeply:
 
    "If you fall down seven times, get up eight!" Or "it is not how many times you fall it is how many times you get back up and try again!"

With every failure you have a lesson waiting for you. Be aware of that lesson: smell it, taste it, feel it, embrace it and keep moving forward.

May you have the strength to continue up your path everyday, brother!

-BWT

Thanks for the message, beautywaytraveler. Yours was the first journal I read here. And just like our brother Conan says, you have shared your addiction with your wife. And this gives you strength. I salute you for this. It takes a huge amount of willpower to do so: to let go of shame, of pride, and share a deep, intimate problem. Wish you both get through this and become even closer and stronger.

I will focus on this lessons and keep forward. Thank you.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Hi, Warrior_01.

Welcome to the club! I can relate as well. I spent a few years just very depressed and ruminating of all the lost possibilities. On what could have been. On what should have been. Etc. I am still a virgin. This caused quite a lot of depression. But now I don't really care about me being a virgin. I don't let this fact define me.

My suggestion is get very good at psychology. Become your own psychologist. Find a good psychologist is also a very good idea.

I had one quit on me over email. Guess I was getting to real for him. It was pretty hurtful experience. But it motivated me to do my own work. Be my own psychologist.

I find concentration camp psychologists to be the best:

Viktor Frankl. Amazing guy. Now I just found out about Edith Eger. And this guy Bessel van der Kolk (while not a concentration camp survivor himself, his father was one).

Also aim low. Don't have high goals (at first). Start with something small. Clean up your room. Or at least just clean up your desk. Keep your desk clean at all times.

This is pure gold

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF3x3aEtjLo

+ this book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069.Man_s_Search_for_Meaning

Wish you all the best on your journey
EW
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hi and welcome,
There was a lot ofthings in your story that I could relate to, they didnt bring me to tears (thats a bit dramatic), but i get it all.
Try not to focus too much on the regret, altough that can be a good motivator, turn it into something constructive. The motivation never ever FUCKING EVER to feel like that agian should be enough fire to keep you going.
Stop looking at porn, identify triggers, remove yourself (mentally, if its impossible to physically) from any situations in which you may be tempted, and your brain will naturally do the rest.
The psychology shit is interesting, but it can just fill your head with a lot of useless bullshit that may get you thinking too much. Keep it simple, and make small attainable goals. I found the best one for me was "One day without looking at porn is a good day". A daily goal of not loooking at porn, then the next day have the same goal. Do this for as long as it takes and youll be cured.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi there and welcome. Sorry I am late too the party! I see you have been looked after already though.
Remember you are not on your own and talking to us your brothers in arms is a step towards a better, healthier and happier you.
I do implore you speak to someone, Anyone offline close to you about this. I told my parents and sister as well as few close friends so I can no longer try and hide it. I have to deal with it and it is liberating. They alongside my fiancee  are all part of my recovery capital.

Have you looked at what you have in place to aid you into your recovery? I am also doing courses on pathformen.com and joinfortify.com which are helping a lot.

I am doing counselling myself and I find it is helping. I am remembering things I have repressed but its helping me work things out. I would recommend seeking a councillor.

Cheeting you on.
 
Wow! I'm impressed.
I did not expect to receive this much encouragement and sympathy. Thanks, guys, you are awesome. This forum really helps a lot.

EarthWalker: Yeah. I have been a virgin for almost 30 years. It came a moment when I was sure would be like that forever. Later, came a point when I didn't care anymore.
I will try to find a good psychology. Here in Brazil they are very rare. I liked your idea to be become own psychology (with much study, for sure). But that would be for the future. Right now I realize I cannot deal with this alone anymore.
I just watched your video, thank you very much. Good lessons to be taken.

Fappy:
Remove yourself (mentally, if its impossible to physically) from any situations in which you may be tempted
. This is a good counsel. A while ago, I had the willpower to stop the urges by myself, even after a trigger. Today, if triggers occur, I will almost certainly fall. Removing myself (both ways) is good advice.
Keep it simple, and make small attainable goals
This relates to the video our brother EarthWalker linked.

Chris1986 Thanks for the support.
Speak this addiction to someone it's the hardest part for me. But I will try to start with a counselling/psychology and see how it goes.
You are very brave to share this with all those people. Congrats, man!
Thanks for the links. I'm from Brazil, hence, the dollar subscription is too expensive for me and my "Brazilian real" Rsrsrs. But I've checked out the pages and found good free material and a free basic plan. I will look into it!

Thanks for all the encouragement, brothers.
 
The weekend was not terrible. But it could have been better.
My mind is foggy, my humor is bad. My tears are about to burst for any reason.

Yesterday I shed tears for seeing little kids playing with a balloon. The joyful innocence of youth. I was like that before, wasn't? That's why I feel so nostalgic and sad? It is possible to return to that place one day? I think not. Maybe another life.

This forum has helped. Lots of good people trying to help each other. Will I be able to help someone?

Just for today, I shall be strong.
Endure, my spirit.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Early stages of reboot emotions can be all over the place. I went from manically happy to tragically sad very easily.
You may not be able to return to the innocence of youth in this life my friend but that doesn't rule out a more peaceful, happier and healthier rest of adult life.
I found myself in a huge brain fog pit a lot for the first 30 days but it does get easier. Just remember this is part of the path and you are not alone.

Cheering you on man.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Hi Warrior!

If there's one thing I've learnt that has helped me quite a bit, it is to not be so hard on myself. It is strange how we are so much harder on ourselves than our friends or even family. I guess that is where the saying "we are our own worst enemies" might have come from? Be nice to yourself! Treat yourself like your best friend.

Another thing I've decided is that everyone needs love. Not wants, NEEDS love. And they deserve it too. I'm a very science-minded, non-religious deterministic person but I still believe everyone deserves love. We did not choose to get born - we came into existence and had to deal with the world. The one thing that makes everything worthwhile is love. So yes, life is unfair, but we do deserve love as a right for existing in the first place. I don't mean cheesy Hollywood love either. But genuine affection for others. If someone can't admit that they need it, I suspect they are cold inside. I actually was that person for a long time, thinking it was for weak people. I suspect that fed my addiction.

So going back to my first point, you are someone who deserves love, so be nice to yourself :)
 
Chris1986 said:
Early stages of reboot emotions can be all over the place. I went from manically happy to tragically sad very easily.
Yeah. I feel like that. And for no reason at all, I believe.
Thanks for sharing that. Somehow it helps to know I'm not the only one fighting these random confuse emotions.

You may not be able to return to the innocence of youth in this life my friend but that doesn't rule out a more peaceful, happier and healthier rest of adult life.
I found myself in a huge brain fog pit a lot for the first 30 days but it does get easier. Just remember this is part of the path and you are not alone.
Cheering you on man.
Thanks for cheering me up, brother. I look forward to that peaceful, happier and healthier life ahead. Hope it doesn't take too long.

SebNZ said:
Hi Warrior!

If there's one thing I've learnt that has helped me quite a bit, it is to not be so hard on myself. It is strange how we are so much harder on ourselves than our friends or even family. I guess that is where the saying "we are our own worst enemies" might have come from? Be nice to yourself! Treat yourself like your best friend.

Another thing I've decided is that everyone needs love. Not wants, NEEDS love. And they deserve it too. I'm a very science-minded, non-religious deterministic person but I still believe everyone deserves love. We did not choose to get born - we came into existence and had to deal with the world. The one thing that makes everything worthwhile is love. So yes, life is unfair, but we do deserve love as a right for existing in the first place. I don't mean cheesy Hollywood love either. But genuine affection for others. If someone can't admit that they need it, I suspect they are cold inside. I actually was that person for a long time, thinking it was for weak people. I suspect that fed my addiction.

So going back to my first point, you are someone who deserves love, so be nice to yourself :)
Those words speak directly to me. I was that person. Not long ago I believed love was for the weak. I only needed strength and brute willpower to go on. So stupid I was. I completely agree with you, SebNZ. Everyone needs love, even if they don't know it yet. Today I realize that.
It has been a hard fight every day trying not to be too hard on myself. Others brothers have told me that too. In this very moment I'm reading a post it card I made: "Do not blame yourself. Guilt leads to relapse."
Thanks for the message, SebNZ. You deserve love too.
 
It has been some days since my last post. Many, many troubles recently. One big problem that must be solved in the next weeks. So big is this problem that it cost me a lot of time, energy, money, willpower. I feel exhausted.
Normally I would feel the urge to look at P to forget about the problems. Not this time.
It is my strong will to stop the addiction? Or it is the problem too big that nothing else remains in my mind.
 

realficker

Member
Warrior_01 said:
It has been some days since my last post. Many, many troubles recently. One big problem that must be solved in the next weeks. So big is this problem that it cost me a lot of time, energy, money, willpower. I feel exhausted.
Normally I would feel the urge to look at P to forget about the problems. Not this time.
It is my strong will to stop the addiction? Or it is the problem too big that nothing else remains in my mind.

It is very good that you are still writing here. Even when you have this problem. Maybe it will help you, when you also write about your problem. You can use a paper and after the writing you can destroy the paper. It will help you.
You can also look for the "sedona method". its an amazing method to get emotionally free and less stressed.

Good luck :)
 

SebUK

Active Member
Warrior_01 said:
It has been some days since my last post. Many, many troubles recently. One big problem that must be solved in the next weeks. So big is this problem that it cost me a lot of time, energy, money, willpower. I feel exhausted.
Normally I would feel the urge to look at P to forget about the problems. Not this time.
It is my strong will to stop the addiction? Or it is the problem too big that nothing else remains in my mind.
I'm exactly the same. I almost always use porn as the silver bullet if I'm feeling bad (and when I'm feeling good but that's a different story). It is so bizarre because beforehand you know it won't work. But if I'm honest, it does work in the moment.

Good to hear you are looking for healthier and more long-term solutions than porn.

I'll tell you what, I bet you the problem is easier to solve without the porn monkey on your back!
 
realficker said:
It is very good that you are still writing here. Even when you have this problem. Maybe it will help you, when you also write about your problem. You can use a paper and after the writing you can destroy the paper. It will help you.
You can also look for the "sedona method". its an amazing method to get emotionally free and less stressed.

Good luck :)

I like the idea of writing in paper and then destroy it. It's something I have recommended to people sometimes. Funny thing, I tend to forget this useful tip when the problem is on my side. Thanks for the reminder, realficker.
And thanks for the info about the "sedona method" this one I did not know. I have saved some youtube video to watch later today after work.


SebNZ said:
I'll tell you what, I bet you the problem is easier to solve without the porn monkey on your back!
You are totally right, brother! Reading this helped just know to get rid of the urge I was feeling since morning. Watching P will only fog my mind and make the problem more difficult to solve.
Thanks and strength to you too.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Sorry to hear you have a big problem but as others has said well done for still posting on here. Remember that you are not alone and if you feel like you want to chat feel free to pm me sometime.
Cheering you on buddy.
 
Chris1986 said:
Sorry to hear you have a big problem but as others has said well done for still posting on here. Remember that you are not alone and if you feel like you want to chat feel free to pm me sometime.
Cheering you on buddy.

I thank you for your kindness, Chris1986. It's not been easy. And I know every one here face great challenges in many forms. I will PM you if I get the courage. It has been dark these days.

I'm still trying to post here at least once a day.  It seems to help.
So far, I'm still clean. But I know it's not because of my willpower alone. A lot of problems recently. And a huge one. No time even to think about anything else.

I thank all brothers here for sharing their strength with me.
Wish you guys well.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Yeah keep posting man. We are all cheering you on. I pmed you so you dont have to make the first move man.
 
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