Navigating the world and the mind

Hello everyone,

I am 33 years old and I have been addicted to P every since I was a preteen, I cannot remember what age exactly. I remember that the scenes captivated me right from the get go. Ever since then, my privacy and pornogrqphy were practically synonymous. I have navigated so many videos, websites, AV stores, you name it. I have been through many smart phones, and each new one represented the base to watch P. All my life, watching P was my goal. My male relatives all deemed it normal, and I was even under the impression that my female relatives saw it as "boys will be boys". As I grew older I realized slowly how bad the addiction was. I got into relationships that I never enjoyed, and I remember one particular time where for three days straight I was not able to "get it up" with someone that I had met. At the time I did not understand why, now I know it was because of my brain's lock on the fantasy world. I wanted to be with someone, but that was overshadowed by the addiction to P.

Six years ago my wife and I found each other. She was the female consciousness of me. All our worldviews were almost exactly in line. She brought out feelings that I have never felt before. But, in terms of being in a real relationship I was not there, I was thinking about P, I was sexualizing other women, you name it. Even though I felt that connection to her I still wanted to watch P, and I did watch it. For every single day with her I watched it, up until she found out over two years ago. Then started the reboot. It was brutal for both of us. The hurt of losing a part of me, and the hurt of her knowing that I didn't honor her as a person and a mate, truly.

For two years I did not watch P. My energy came back, I was able to remember things more readily. I was able to feel life flowing through me more easily, and my general awareness got better. Despite all of that there is still that nagging part of me that is pulling me toward P and the sexualization of women. I relapsed two weeks ago, and it hurt my wife on a profound and spiritual level. But, the P has made me heartless. It took so much for us to stay together. I am amazed by her, she is a strong lady. I want to bring my mind full into the present to honor my wife, but it has been very difficult.

At first I did not want to join these forums, but I joined because I needed something to help me change. I have been a part of another forum for a few days now and I think that I already sense some relief internally. I wish the best for my family and for all my brethren here.

Hello beautywaytraveler,

welcome to our forum in rebootnation, we exist to help each other with our PMO problem. So, i'm glad you are here with your own special story.

The supernormal stimulus P is giving us is uncompareable and is like nothing else in the world. Normally we wouldn't experience it ever in our entire life, but we as addicts experienced it through PMO. The brain will never forget this. Maaaaybe this is a slight explanation why P is still naggering you.

I sense you feel bad for your wife, because of the relapse. This is where we have to be strong. It's very good you told her about the relapse. The strong emotions and all, it's part of the cycle.
You did create a thread here as a reaction to the relapse, which is a very good thing. Come here and share your thoughts.
Which question is buggering you the most? Feel free to share your experience, so others can reply more appropiate.

Imsor

Hey beautywaytraveller

Firstly, congratulations on being free of for for two years. That in itself is quite and achievement. The one thing we must never lose sight of is that we'll always be porn addicts. It's a constant battle to fight against the urge to look at porn, but I think it does get easier. If I read Gabe's story, it seems that way. That said, we are all one hairs breadth away from a relapse. The important thing is what you learn and take with you from the relapse.

It's clear you love your wife. I can't think of any better motivation to gather your strength again and eliminate porn from you life.

Welome to RN. Like imsor said, posting here often can help you regain focus and is also really useful for other addicts trying to quit.

I wish you luck.

Hi, beautywaytraveler.

Welcome and wish you all the best on your journey.

EW

Hello everyone,

Thanks for your responses, firstly.

Imsor and mousemat, you each expressed something of the nature, "we will always be addicts". That just makes so much sense, but it is also very daunting when you first think about it. The problem now is accepting it deep down inside, in the heart of the unconscious. Rather than act like the victim of the addiction, I will have to look at it in a very different light. That victim mentality has been known to me most of my life. I was not afforded time to help me navigate my emotions and inner consciousness when I was younger, but better late than never as they say.

EW, thanks!

-BWT

I am now on my 18th day of reboot. I await the blissful relief of the urges to engage in fantasy.

I wonder though, what is this fantasy of P? What is it really? How did it come about? How is it maintained? Who are these actors and actresses? Are they troubled just like we are? Do they really want to ACT like they are having sex other random people? Can they feel the spirit in themselves? Can they feel the spirit in their acting partner(s)? Do they want to leave the industry, but cannot because they have no other means of living because they were forced into this thing due to the lack of options? Can some of them enjoy a sensual connection with a partner, or is that deprived of them because of the increasing need of novelty?

We have a duty to each other, we have a duty to bring up each other, and all it takes is a simple act. However, our choices are now driven by the brain's need to release chemicals which has been hijacked by increasing novelty of P.

Let us continue to rewire our brain for the sake of the spirit that inhabits the flesh. I wish all a productive day in this journey!

Day 19. The urges remain...

Heavy message within these lyrics.
"
Nightmare! (Now your nightmare comes to life)
Dragged ya down below
Down to the devil's show
To be his guest forever
Peace of mind is less than never
Hate to twist your mind But God ain't on your side
An old acquaintance severed
Burn the world your last endeavor
Flesh is burning
You can smell it in the air
'Cause men like you have
Such easy soul to steal (steal)
So stand in line while
They ink numbers in your head
You're now a slave
Until the end of time here
Nothing stops the madness,
Turning, haunting, yearning
Pull the trigger
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
Ooh, it's your fuckin' nightmare
Can't wake up in a sweat
'Cause it ain't over yet
Still dancing with your demons
Victim of your own creation
Beyond the will to fight
Where all that's wrong is right
Where hate don't need a reason
Loathing self-assassination
You've been lied to
Just to rape you of your sight
And now they have the nerve
To tell you how to feel (feel)
So sedated as they
Medicate your brain
And while you slowly
Go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions
Help you with your complications"
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
Oh, it's your fuckin' nightmare
Fight
Not to fail
Not to fall
Or you'll end up like the others
Die
Die again
Drenched in sin
With no respect for another
Down
Feel the fire (fire)
Feel the hate
Your pain is what we desire
Lost
Hit the wall (wall)
Watch you crawl (crawl)
Such a replaceable liar
And I know you hear their voices (calling from above)
And I know they may seem real (these signals of love)
But our life's made up of choices (some without appeal)
They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal
You should have known
The price of evil And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
No one to call Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
Ooh, it's your fuckin' nightmare." - By: Avenged Sevenfold

Day 21.

Real change comes from the deep down inside, I learned this the hard way.

I wonder, is going through the very depths of hell (metaphorically speaking) the only way to find that inner spark? I hope not. We are all capable of empathy, and we are all capable of feeling what each other is feeling. Ironically, those capabilities seem to be stripped from us when we are addicted. My brain did not rewire during the two years I was without pornography because I did not truly accept the change; I did not make the change my own. Now that I reached down inside after much introspection, meditation, and talks (with my wife) I finally accepted the change. A lot of the weight of the urges has lifted. They still come in shifts but they don't take a hold of me like they used to. I feel that this is a big part of the puzzle piece of change. 

Day 23.

What does it mean to be an addict?

Here is a metaphor (I think). But whatever the official term is, you get what I mean.

As an addict we are like a flame surrounded by darkness. When our flame is burning low the darkness touches us, and that darkness represents the troubles of our addiction. But, when our flame is burning bright the darkness moves away, and at a certain point it cannot possibly reach our beings. We are able to operate in that positive energy. It is love, compassion, empathy, selflessness, knowledge, understanding, and being healthy that nourishes the flame. Whenever we feel down, whenever we feel lost, whenever we want nothing but meaningless pleasures our flame diminishes and the darkness get closer, and at any point it can infect us once again. Unfortunately, that darkness never goes away. It is ever present. The best we can do is nourish our inner flame.

Battle on, brothers and sisters!

I wish everyone a good weekend.

You talked about the real change and the darkness. For some of us, to start the battle it needs immensive change. Like we thought of our self how good people we are, but in our relationships we are keeping something, like a pet we feed food now and then, that has the power to destroy our lives. Or it is just the way we handle our devices, and we admit that we're not capable of being alone with an device in the house.

I'll add exercise, regular good sleep, less food, less alcohol, less internet to the list, that directly contribute to the overall energy, at least it did for me.

Imsorrynotsorry,

I like what you have shared here (I had to read it a few times to see what you were saying, haha):

imsorrynotsorry said:

Like we thought of our self how good people we are, but in our relationships we are keeping something, like a pet we feed food now and then, that has the power to destroy our lives.

Click to expand...

It speaks volumes to me. I certainly feel like I am a good person, but I do things that undermines it.

Thanks for sharing that.

Day 27.

Can't believe it has been four days since my last post.

Perhaps the best way to describe my current state of mind is that it is the growth of my awareness. I have somehow vacated the mindset of the addicted person that I was before. For the past two years without PMOing before my latest relapse it was as though I was trying to, halfheartedly, escape the mindset of the addicted person, like trying to escape quicksand. I struggled with myself, I wanted to give up and just let the mud take me. After my last relapse it was like someone grabbed my hand and pulled me out at the last second. But they didn't relieve me of the quicksand entirely. That was the choice that I had to make. Now I stand on solid ground looking at the old me still struggling in the quicksand, I know that he doesn't really want to change. And so I have departed that form of me. Every now and the old me tries to yell at me, and grab my attention effortlessly trying to bring me back down. Sometimes I slip into the addicted mindset. I tell myself I can't change; it's too hard! Then my whole body starts to feel the comfort of instability (how is it so comfortable to be struggling in quicksand?) At that point I bring myself back to the me that stands on solid ground. I take a deep breath, and I look around. Everything becomes clear again, and I can feel the ground beneath me. My journey continues.

Getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Could probably be the Earth school motto.

Keep on walking
EW

EW,

Definitely an earth school motto.

Day 33.

I cannot believe it has already been a month, but at the same it feels like it has been years since I have watched P. It seems like our perception of time changes based on our state of mind. When we are struggling the seconds that pass seem to take forever. On the other hand when we are lost in activities time flies by. How does this relate to P addiction? In the beginning days of rebooting it may be difficult because time passes slowly. We might await the next day to increase the counter. Much of the day becomes a struggle, and we cannot wait for it to be over. On the other hand when we are lost in P time flies by. When we reboot I believe that our perception of time changes. We are able to live without the images and we are able to enjoy being in a state of balance, and in that state time moves on as we like.

I wish everyone all the best and continued growth! Live, learn, and love!

I take a deep breath, and I look around. Everything becomes clear again, and I can feel the ground beneath me.

Click to expand...

Making this decision and making use of your free will is one tough decision. Even tough we know that it's a positive one, we don't fully want to be responsable for it. Being responsable for own decision means to live up to certain values. You define the values and i think that is something very positive to say. I want to live a life with certain positive values that remind me of _how_ i'm living my life, self determined.

Keep on going and keep on posting, it helps you and it helps us.

beautywaytraveler, congrats on your post. And thanks for sharing with us in this forum.

I salute you and your wife in this journey. It's not easy for anyone.

I see you have a strong will power. 2 years without PMO is amazing. Congrats! And finding the strength to share this addiction with your wife is no small feat.

I myself have started my journal today. Hope I can be strong as you and make this counts go higher and higher.

Keep up the good fight.

Thanks Imsorrynotsorry and warrior_1,

Your insight and kind sentiment is fuel to my flame, and I appreciate it greatly.

Day 34.

Rebootnation has helped me tremendously in my journey with my wife and my family. I am so very grateful to the originator, the website management team, all the users of this forum, and anyone else who helps keep it up!

My wife says these forums help me in two ways:
1. Being with other like-minded individuals who are going through the same struggle so I kow that I'm not alone.
2. My voice is heard

This might be the same for some people here.

That is all I have to share today.

One love!

The originator will then be Gabe Deem, who's doing an immensively great job with building awareness for porn addiction.

I'm with what your wife is saying, fits perfectly for me. We are in this and only we understand what it's like and i never found a similar place to be that open about it. My GF is also meeting in a group in real life with other people about an issue of her and she says it's important to hear other stories and accept others situations in this to find her own situation in it better.
And i add, that we believe in each other that we can always start over, always turn the page and finally be free of that addiction.

Imsor,

Every now and then someone will come along a change the lives of thousands of people, for us it is Gabe Deem.

Day 36,

I get flashbacks every now and then of images within P (not so much vivid images but the imprint of them) that I liked, and these come along with a feeling of being high I guess. It tugs at my body to go and open up a private window (which hides nothing, haha) and look at things. It is scary how easy it is to just type a few words and click a few images and you are there. Within seconds P addicted people can just relapse. We don't need to go out and find a drug dealer, or to go buy alcohol. All we have to do is turn on our electronic devices. Technology is both good and evil.

There is still another addiction that thrives within me, general internet addiction. I would go to YouTube for motivational videos and I would feel that high of the messages that people share with me, but I would keep clicking for more without actually using that motivation to do something constructive. But this leads me down the rabbit hole to viewing random stuff, which will evemtually lead to videos that have women dressed in revealing clothes. That is not what I search for directly, but it's there. My wife suggested I stay off YouTube. That is a good idea for me. I always have to tell her that I got unstable while on YouTube. Sometimes I just wish that I can push a reset button like they have on electronic devices. Get a little pin and shove it in the back of my head and next thing you know I'm on a clean slate. Of course I probably would not learn anything, and I would still be susceptible to programming from this infested society.

The only way is straight forward!

One love!

hey beautywaytraveler,

this internet problem of yours is a dopamin cycle. Our brains and most of the brains of all people in the world are now wired to the new internet philosophy of producing dopamin with the idea of reward. So, what is the problem with that, one might ask?

The problem is, we constantly produce dopamin during our day. To understand the problem with that, one must understand the origin nature of dopamin. Dopamin functions as a reward before endorphin. You do something nice, repeat it, repeat it, dopamin will help you repeat it. 1000 years ago there weren't much occasions to produce that much dopamin, but nowadays dopamin is waiting everywhere for us. The adds, the games, they are fighting for our dopamin all the time.

The problem with that constant dopamin flow is, that we unlearn to be really excited about stuff, because we numbed our dopamin level. It became less sensitive. If you would live in a cave without everything for 3 months and come back, your dopamin level would explode by the thought you really can have a cheeseburger or a pizza.

To change this one must be really hard on himself. I don't know if this is necessary for our reboot, but i'm sure it'll help.

Imsor