Ulaozin Journal: First reboot

Hello everyone,

First of all, I'm not a native english speaker. Sorry for any mispelling.

First diary, not first attempt to reboot, (i think it's the 3rd, I don't know, I was not counting properly with lots of relapses, I wasn't sure I could pass the first week ). But now it's definitly the first time in my life since I started PMO that I'm 15 days without It and still counting. I wanted so bad to relapse today, so I'm here writing to not do it.

I'll be 30 in june. I PMO since 13 or 14. I live with my girlfriend for 3 years now, but we are together for 11 years. She is the only girl I ever had sex, and for some years I thought that maybe porn had something to do with that. I acknowledge now that porn is a much previous problem and that I never had sex with her without fantasizing with porn, and even when I didn't want it I couldn't stop. Only now with YBOP I know why. I felt so relieved that I found this site, relieved to understand my problem as an addiction shared by so many people, and to know that my ED is PIED, and that it can be reversed! 

I told my girlfriend about my addiction. She is very suportive for me to stop. Finally I don't have something to hide from her. Specially now, that we are going through a hell of problems that are not going to settle soon, and they rocketed my anxiety and PMO to the limit.

I will put then in a list, because its better to articulate:

1- Her mother have an advanced esophagus cancer. We are dealing with it, but there is no hope of recovery.
2- My girlfriend is fighting a moderate depression for 4 years now, before her mother's illness. She had a tough job for 10 years as a teacher in a very poor and dangerous community, she had to travel everyday in very precarious public transportation, with lots of traffic and accidents every week on the road, she also lived in many places when trying to finish college, some places with shooting. She brokedown and spent the last years unemployed and even incapable of getting out of home. She had some improvements with a psychiatrist, and she even started an online course.
3- I'm in the middle of my doctorate, and I have to overcome my brainfog, I can't delay to write my thesis anymore. We are living with my scholarship and with my father's suport. And I want/need to find a job before the last year of scholarship finishes. 
4- I have my share of family problems. Both my mother and my brother have bypolar affective disorder. My mother doesn't manifest it for many years now. But my brother started to have crises by the end of highschool.
5 ? I owe some money to the bank. I'm trying to re-organize my finances, actually, all my life.
6 ? I have a compulsion for videogame too. I've not played it for over a month. It's anoying, but not near so hard to stop as PMO.

Even so, I think I have some good resorces to deal with those problems :

1- I (and all my family) had psycological care for half of my life. So I think I have some emotional resorces to deal with suffering. I'm not panicking, and I don't want to preocupy any reader more than usual. I'm telling those things to give you information about me, and because they are triggers for my PMO. 
2 ? I started to workout everyday. (for two months now)
3 ? I have two suportive friends that I can talk about those things.

I think it covers all for today. I imagine that this craving got worse because friday, 29/05 was the first time we had sex during my reboot atempt. (Actually, it was the first time for a long time) It was better than previously. My ED and anxiety had some improvement, but sensitiviness was not so great. I didn't got O, but she did, and it was nice.

At least, now that i finished this text I'm not craving so much anymore. Trying to write in English is a good way to distract me. I'm taking one day at a time.

Thank you for your reading and I wish we all have improvements with our lives.

Hi there Ulaozin. Welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you're making some big and positive changes. That sounds great that you're open with your girlfriend about this problem, and that she still supports you.

I look forward to reading your journal as you go through this recovery. Good luck today!

And your English seems pretty good to me. I think there are a few other non-Native English speakers on here too. Good to see people from many backgrounds on here trying to improve their lives.

Welcome and congratulations for your first 2 weeks, looking forward to do so, as i went to 2 weeks probably twice since the last 10 years.

Best of luck, and keep informing us about your progress.


Ps : What's your native language ?

Good luck ulaozin!

Welcome with us Ulaozin, I wish you good luck on this journey. And I notice this forum has already helped you, as it distracted you from PMO today ! Do not hesitate to come back and give us more news, it will keep on helping you (and us).

Hello guys,

Philgood63, joe_ireland, BestVersionOfMySelf, Afb7. Thank you for the encouragement.

It's very good to feel this warm reception. I was not sure if I shoud start an online journal. I'm very reclusive. I dont know if this is something about me, or about the PMO version of myself, and that's what I want to find out ? who am I without PMO. Anyway, I will leave the paranoia behind. NSA and google already have all my porn internet historic. My girlfriend already knows about it too, even though I don't like to detail my escalation . Who am I cheating now besides myself?

BestVersionOfMySelf, I'm sorry, but I don't want to tell my real language. I realised that thinking in English and writing in English is helping me expose myself. It's like when you curse in another language, it doesn't feel like a curse in your own. I can write about myself without an intense feeling that I'm doing it, and all that time I take checking words in google translator is therapeutic too. So I feel more confortable without the risk of discovering someone else from my country in the forum, at least for now. 

The last few days I've been in a bad mood and I relapsed a few times. I did somenthing bad, besides watching porn. I had a quarrel with my best friends that support me nowadays. I wrote them some harsh things by e-mail, and they gave me a harsh response that made me anxious. Acctualy, I had an anxiety crisis that took my breath away for half an hour (sunday 31, the same day I wrote my first post here) . It really messed with me. It has never happened before. I had to took some anxiety pills from my girlfriend to stop it. I've been more anguished in the last few days than usual. I watched porn and edged until I finally did PMO. In the begining I felt more calm, and I didn' t stop there, I though I needed more and more PMO. It's a strange thing how your willpower fades away in a blink of an eye.

I apologized to my friends and they told me that they needed some time. And the thing is, besides the fact that I shouldn't told those things the way I did and by email, I'm worried about them. They are a couple, they have plans to do a translation course and a postgraduation abroad. Some months ago they moved back to one of their parents to save some cash. I helped them with it, even helped painting their place. This is not a simple story, and I can't resume it here properly. But the thing is, I think that one of them is fantasizing  with a trip far more magnificent than the real thing (he has plans for over 20-30 years of trips engaging in very diferent activities like cinema, PHD, writing, translation, etc). Even though I think he is brilliant, he has some background of not finishing things. And I think he is dragging her to a serious situation, for example, she will quit her job. Beyond that, I don't really know if he is being completely honest with his parents about all these things.

Since I have my personal crisis, and I don't trust myself in this reboot process, I'm not sure if what I did actually helped. A third friend, who is an older friend of him than mine, told me that he is also worried and that he thinks that I did it in good faith. That made me fell a little better.

Anyway. All of this sums up in a few remarks. 1 - My girlfriend is right! I should not write important stuff without her checking. I know this for a long time, but it must be carved on stone! 2 ? She is also right about the fact that I must find a more healthy way of dealing with friends. I must carve that one too. I have this self steem problem that I think I don't have friends, or that I will be alone, etc. And sometimes I do things or put myself in situations that makes me feel embarrased, this contrast with periods of long reclusions with PMO and videogames. 3 ? I shall start therapy again. Even if it takes more time to pay my debt with the bank. I'm not okay. I must help myself before trying to help anyone else. This time I will look for a comportamental therapy. I've done a lot of psychoanalysis in my life. I think it's a valid treatment for many things, and for people who needs to formulate something about their past. But now I need something that helps me stay focused on my rotine, on the present, something that helps me to identify my triggers.

I'm back to the first day, I realise I used this situation to relapse. Then, when I relapsed, I used the relapse to relapse more. It's a infinite regress.

I went to my hometown with my parents this weekend. My girlfriend is with her mom. I come here once a year, despite it?s a short trip, I always feel bad in the beginning but I truly like seeing my family, my aunts, my cousins and their children, so that?s something I want to change too. I need to come more. I?m not craving much, but I have difficulty falling asleep.

Since I?m back on track, I will make a list remembering me why rebooting is so important to me:

1- I don?t want to be a slave of my primitive brain anymore.  I have to specify this one. It implies no porn and videogames anymore, for the rest of my life!  Wake up earlier, Clean my home, cook a good meal, exercise, and start doing meditation.
2- I love my girlfriend and I want to reconnect sexually with her. I never bought the idea that we needed to spice things up. My analist had this hypothesis, but what did she know? She also suggested I?m gay. Man, I?m so done with psychoanalysis!
3- I want to have children. I want to start trying next year, by the end of doctorate. We think about adoption too. The world is so crowded, I don?t feel confortable about having more than 1, but I?d like 2 or 3 kids. I live in a very unequal country, so I think adoption is a way of changing things too.
4- I want to enjoy life again. I want to have pleasure with my rotine, with my work, I want to do nice things with my girlfriend and I want to take some time to do nothing at all.
5- I want to feel more capable of engaging in academic stuff. I must make my way through it and get a job.
6- I have plans of writing a novel, I wrote some short stories, never published them, since everything I do I do with pain and self hate, this is something that I think It could be more pleasing. 

I will keep those 6 things in mind. I think it?s enough.

By the way, I have an interview with a psychologist Wednesday, day 10. I?m eager to go.

I have a lot of things to update. I can't leave my journal and I don't want to forget some of those things.

June, 6-7.

That weekend in my hometown was very important. I was so grumpy in the car, for going and coming. But when I managed to overcome my own mood, I could enjoy my parents and all the other relatives in my hometown. All my cousis have babies and little kids by now. I want to have one too. I feel sorry about my mood variations, they don't know exactly what I'm going through, but when we came back I told my parents that I need a psyquiatrist.

I told about my addiction to a cousin, she is a psychologyst. She gave me some medical indications and tips. Actually I got a new perspective about it. I probably have a genetic bias for addiction and compulsive behaviour. I was always worried about my mothers side of the family. My grandmother had bypolar affective disorder, my mother and my brother have it too. But now, I see that my dad's side also has problems. My both grandparents were alchoholics. Although no one in my dad's generation had this issue, this thing can jump one generation. So my cousin brother is a drug addict, and she told me that she feels that herself has a little tendency to it, and we suspect that another cousin has an addiction too.

It matches with what I feel. I almost don't drink alchool. I never liked the hangover and my dad had some nice talks with me about it and he was always watching over me about my friends without overprotection. When I think about it now, even if he was a little absent, he had a sharp eye on me. Anyway, I don't drink, I can be without a drink for 4 or 5 months, but when I drink I have to drink to the bottom. I don't like alchool but I simply love being drunk. When I had an endoscopy I remember telling the doctor who gave me a injection to relax: That's paradise, don't ever tell me what was in this syringe. Besides porn, I already know that I have compulsion for games. And it doesn't stop there. Everything I do, I do it compulsively. I didnt failed in my postgraduation until now because when I finaly finds the energy to write and read, I do it for weeks or even 1 or 2 months until I colapse or reach the deadline. But I don't want to do it this way anymore. I have to find a way to study and write everyday a little bit, without triggering it to porn and games. Even when I write in this forum I have to read and read again before posting, sometimes I take hours doing it. Sometimes I come back and read it again over and over even after posting. When I have a problem with someone I can't stop thinking all day about it and for days, even weeks. Like, when I had this struggle with my friends (in the first post). Maybe I have an OCD. I will call that psyquiatrist today (06/22).

June, 9.

My last relapse was in the dawn of day 8 to 9. It was my girlfriend (wife) birthday. I will call her my wife. We didn't marry but, that's what I feel about her, and we don't want any religious cerimony. Nevertheless, that was a bad night. I've already told about it in another post. She got furious, we didn't sleep. The day after was better. The bigest trap is that I got very relaxed in the next day. But I took that chance to start over my counter, and get back on track because I remember the previous relapse that used it to get a 3 days porn bonus for myself. And now I also think about her reaction when I feel the urge too relapse again. I'm truly glad that I told her. Another lesson: I did everything right that day. I remember I was very triggered and I struggled the whole day, but relaxed my guard at night. 

June, 18.

I took this entire day to make food for the week. This is the second time I do it, and I was afraid I wouldn't finish. I didn't finish the way I wanted. I didn't prepare the salads. And I've too make them now (06/22) before they spoil. I bought organic food, and I'm in debt with the bank (if I tell you the interest rates in my country you wouldn't believe me) so I can't let them spoil. I left my kitchen very dirty, and this is a major trigger for me. When my kitchen is dirty I don't even want to wake up the next day to make breakfast. That's what I was afraid. The next few days were terrible. I went to sleep at 3 and 4 am, and woke up 1 pm. My wife got bad news, her mother is breathing dificultly and the service that delivers oxigen cylinders at her house sometimes delays it. So my wife was very worried and she started playing a little cellphone game for the whole weekend. That triggered my desire for games. For porn too. Even though I resisted porn, I started playing a stupid facebook game, and that's all I did in my whole fucking weekend. I didn't work out, I didn't meditate, I didn't clean my kitchen...

June, 22.

But I'm glad I also didn't watch porn. Today is a new day, I'm still on track for the 90 days reboot, that's what matters. I'm glad I'm updatting my journal, I think I will make a counter for games too.

I need some advice.

I masturbated today. I don't know if I restart one of my counters. I will tell you the situation.

Before I started this reboot I had major triggers in the mornings. My wife usually wakes up after me. That 1 or even 2 hours she was sleeping used to be my main daily fix. In the first attempts and weeks of my reboot the mornings were terrible.

But today what happened was the opposite. She woke up before me, and while I was sleepy I started to masturbate rubbing myself on the bed until I got an O. I didn't watch porn, but I had porn fantasies. It is extremely rare for me to rub myself on the bed. This is the way I used to masturbate before I had a computer a long time ago, I think it was my single modus operandi until 13. Only with the computer I learned to masturbate sitting. 

So If I want to be faithful to my reboot plans I should restart my second counter (it is for PMO or MO). I planned to only have O with my wife. But this restart can be a little discouraging, and since we are almost not having sex, this plan can put me in a hard mode. I don't want to start right away with hard mode, this is my first reboot attempt.

On one side, this is not my usual masturbation behaviour, and I was not activating my brain "searching and jumping" videos mode. But on the other side, I still have a lot of inside imagery that can be activated when there is a shortage in the input devices.

What should I do? I'm inclined to discard this event, but acknoledge it with this journal entry. I don't want to return to any masturbation habit since I have a sex companion waiting for me. But I think it is more important now to get rid of porn.

There are other things that I should keep in mind. 1- This is the second time I relapse after writing in my journal. My first journal entry was followed by a relapse. I have some hypotheses: some part of me may relax after I write in my journal, it may assume that writing is enough and that I'm somehow shielded by it. Or it can be just a coincidence and I'm not writing enough, or I'm writing just before I lose all my guard for an urge that is accumulating in the previous days.

I also should take in account the fact that I was half awake half aesleep in this relapse. So my urge took an opportunity attack on my conciousness.

I've just changed the goals for my second counter. I removed the MO goal. I will only reset it with PMO. However, I commit myself to not MO. Any masturbation I do, I will have to record in my journal the fact and the circumstances that led me to it.

Also today is my 30 years old birthday! Since my last relapse I did the calculations of how many days I would be clean if I didn't relapse until now. It helped me to focus. So I'm 15 days. I'm glad I did it ok. This is my gift for myself. Now I will focus on finishing the month.

I don't know how many years I have left for living. I want to live with health as long as I can, but I want to use this 30 years mark as a threshold of my life. I want to fully leave behind my porn habits. I will have to work for that to happen. I have so many plans for my life, and I always thought that my lack of energy and my social isolation were imbedded in my personality.

Also I'm struggling with my routine since I left my parents home. I didn't realise my porn problem, so I was never able to deal with the core of my routine disarray. I still don't have an organized routine, but I've made some progress. And I'm glad that my workouts and my food has done some results. I've already lost 11 lb.

In my last relapse I had the idea to destroy my xbox in my birthday. When I told my wife she didn't agree. She said it cost money and that we need to sell it because we need the money. Anyway, I don't have the energy to sell it. She told me she would do it for me, but until now she didn't. I just want to register I had this idea. Now, I don't feel like I can break it or even sell it anymore. I store it in a drawer. I haven't played it, even last weekend when I spent the whole days playing facebook games. I also watched some gameplay in youtube yesterday, but it didn't thrilled me, so I managed to stop it fast.

One benefit that I can already feel is that I increased my capacity to deny myself fleeting pleasures. Surelly I played the whole weekend, but I managed to leave it faster than I would before this reboot attempt. Also, I'm trying to start a diet for many years. I've already saw tons of vlogs about food and home organizing, but I was never able to implement any of it. I can't say that I'm regulating food quantity, but I'm definitly changing food quality, and I can hold my urge for sweets like I never could.

I'm not feeling any strong urges today, but my home is all messed up, and I think that it can be an anticipation of it. I'm just a little down, it is a cold rainy day, and I love waste this kind of weather with videogames, but I didn't. I couldn't find the energy to do many things. Just saw a movie and read the forum. When I read a post in crazygopher diary about triggers, I just got out to workout. At least I did it today. But it's almost midnight here, I should go to bed.

I'm also a little depressed about my anniversary. It was nice, just with my family. My oldest friend, who is living far way called me. We talked a bit. There were 30 little candles in the cake. I'm not accustomed to be pampered. I could not reply yet any of the facebook aniversary messages. I could not read them. I don't know why facebook in general, and facebook aniversaries piss me so much. I don't like to flatter anyone who is doing anniversary and I don't like to receive attention because of it. I remember when I was a kid I wrote down invitations with my mother's help for my anniversaries for the whole class every fucking year, and still only 2 or 3 boys would show up. I always took it personally, but it could also be because my anniversary is in the same day of a saint holiday with a traditional party. Motherfucker, spoiled my childhood! (I think I shouldn't curse in the forum, sorry for this one)

I'm not checking my email for at least 4 or 5 days. And I have to decline some academic commitments that I think I will not be able to do in this period. I will change my strategy about it. Last semester I was editing the postgraduation magazine with some colleages. I think I centralized the work by email, because I couldn't show up in flesh and bone, and since I was the only person from the previous year comission, I became the natural leader this year. It was hard for me, there are still some issues to finish, but I will delegate it all. I can't do it during this reboot. I barely can study. So I think that instead of email communication, I will start to show up for the seminaries and lectures. Even if my mind is not connected, they can't see that I'm not trully paying attention. =)

I think I had a wet dream. I didn't understand the concept of it. Do I have to ejaculate dreaming, or just dream about porn? If anyone can point me a post about wet dreams I appreciate.

I already had plenty porn dreams until now. This night I was dreaming about searching for it. I woke up with a small urge, but I'm really scared about it becoming bigger during the day, or in the next few days.

Also, last night at the gym, I caught myself staring to a specific girl, didn't realize why, and then, suddenly she remembered me one specific porn actress. Red alert!

There is also a strong motive for the urge to come back now. I and my wife had plans for today. We would clean the house, pack up and travel to her mothers house (it is in another city nearby). Her father is expecting us, we are supposed to take his place and take care of her mother during the weekend. In the stage of her cancer now, It is a very exhausting task.

My wife told me she would go this time alone, but I'm quite sure she would feel much better if I go with her. We didn't clean the house (nor the kitchen), and I woke up 1 pm. She is still in bed. I don't even know if she will have the strength to travel by herself. I already told here in my journal, she is having a bad time leaving the house, sometimes she regress and can't even go nearby.

So maybe we will leave this mess and go anyway, maybe she will go and I will stay behind to clean everything and go in the next day (in this case it will be very hard for me being alone, and she will take with her the modem cable), or maybe we will both stay here, and she will regret losing one more weekend the last days with her mother.

I have to  keep an extra eye on me. There is already an evil sarcastic voice telling me to stop this abstinence nonsense, and come back to the real deal. It's trying to sabotage my plans of leaving porn in my 30 years mark. Ok you did it until your birthday, you proved your point, come back to my infinite loop of lust now. I have to find the courage and strength to back up my plans. I will focus reaching the 20 days mark. It is not far. Lets see how I manage this weekend.

Hi ulaozin,

I'm in a similar situation, as far as I have to manage this weekend if I want to reach 20 days. And I'm impatient to see if I can pass the test. So, let's do it, and let's  be proud of ourselves on monday !

Hello Philgood63,

Thank you very much for your encouraging words. Lets do it together. I will check on you monday. I just started reading your journal, I will put an entry there for u too.

Oh my!

This weekend will be terrible. I just received a bill from the university, charging me for the past 2 months. I already suspected that something could come. We are in a economic recession, and the government is cutting scholarships and budgets in the educational field. And the bill had no specific information, besides the value. I checked my online access, and didn't find any information about it, except the charges. I called the treasure of the university, but they were already closed. So I will only be able to know what it is all about monday.

I had an strong anxiety rush. Took some pills, and went out to workout. Damn it! If I can't know what it is until monday, and I don't know what I can do about It, I just know that the only thing in my power now is not PMO! So will be it. I wont let those bureaucrats motherfuckers ruin my recovery. I'm so, so angry, that I think I passed the point of being enough angry to PMO.

But I have to be extra carefull, I'm already felling the melancholy coming on, those pills I took have a depressing effect. Tomorrow will be tough.

I know that what I will say may sound strange, but I'm pretty convinced that you the bad things in life may help you with your reboot. I felt that many times : when someone is an ass with me, when life just throws me bullshit, I feel so angry that it gives me energy to fight my addiction, because in these moments I'm sure I deserve more than this crappy behaviour. It seems that you have that feeling right now and I'm sure it can feed you with energy against the urges to PMO. What you said makes perfect sense : the only power we have in these moments is not PMO, so let's use it, and empower it ! Take care, man.

That`s exactly what I feel. I think I`m in the worst situation I have being in my life. Even though I have bad childhood memories because of my mother`s ill. But I can see that It is not as bad as my wife situation, if I told you her whole story, it is despairing. And it is not as bad as the majority of people in my country who lives in poverty, and suffers with racism and police violence. We are one of the last `democratic` countries with a military police commanded by the ruling class.

But even when I rationalize it and put myself in a broad perspective, I can say I`m pretty messed up. For a long time I think I fed myself with news about violence and political studies in a way to compensate my moral crises with hardcore porn. Like I should bear my suffering and the whole world suffering with me. Now, at least in my reboot I can`t look at the news, political philosopy and porn altogether. So maybe one of the reasons I can`t write my thesis is because it is directly connected with my porn addiction. Just like my short stories and plans for novels or scripts have a reflexion on sexual violence built-in them.

What you said is exactly how I feel. I think I`m doing fine in my reboot  because of 3 things. 1- My wife is almost always with me. That is a huge help. She was always strong and always helped me, but she broke down and nowadays she depends on me. So I can`t break. I must move forward. 2- My father`s economic support don`t let me despair. I know that, even if I am in a bad situation, I can count on him. The other way around is that I can`t become too comfortable with his help and I need to get a job. 3- I don`t want to come back to how I was 3 or 4 months ago. Even if the urges are terrible, It was unbearable to feel like I`m a slave of my limbic brain, with a deadline to finish my works and absolutely exhausted, paranoid and depressed.

Anyway. Saturday, woke up 1 pm. Can`t be mad about getting up late, anger is not a good feeling now. I had some porn fantasies in the bed. I waited for them to go before I stood up. I washed the dishes, had breakfast, I`m writing here now, and I will clean the house. Today is a cleaning day.

I have some accumulated stuff to write down, but I don't think I can do it today. I just wanted to say that I solved my problem with the university, it was just a bureaucratic error. LOL. Imagine if I had relapsed because of it. I would feel so frustrated! 

I am anguished and craving today, but I'm confident that I can move on. I don't sleep well, for years now. But this is a topic for another post.

What I think it is disturbing me is my academic commitments. But I know that someone else in my place would do it without this strong anxiety and anguish I'm feeling. So, maybe I have a disproportional reaction. I don't know if it is porn related, or if porn was the sedative fix that I used as a strategy to get around those feelings.

Cravings are strong today. I usually come here when this happens, but focus on reading and writing is going down. Tomorrow we will travel to my mother in law house. We didn?t go in the weekend, but we must go now. I think she is the last stage. We don't know how much she can endure, so I must help my wife to get out of home and see her.

I will do all the travelling preparations today. It's not a lot of things, but in my current situation I have difficulty with any task. At least those are not mental tasks.

I managed to read my email last night and reply the people waiting for me.

Yet, my anguish and anxiety are still high.

Hi ulaozin,

I was glad to hear that you managed to withstand last weekend and that you are still keeping clean against PMO. Nevertheless your stress and anxiety seem to be so terrible, we can feel it just reading your posts ! I do not know any easy method, or I would use it for myself... Maybe I feel better regarding my past (and still present) anxiety since I decided to take the control of my life, through this fight with PMO but also other issues. I find it helps me seeing the good things in life and to be grateful for them. I'm sure that even if you have to face difficulties you can feel good things in life, are you ? Well, I hope you do. Take care.