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Messages - Danish

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So much for this hopefulness.

Yesterday he got mad while being drunk because I had social medias on my phone, and I asked what happened at his pre party since he was around the girls he fantasizes about in our relationship. I could sense on him that maybe we should go home. On our walk home I got pushed, neglected with words as "whore", "slut" etc. Apparently I had accused him of cheating which I have not.
When home, it escalated to a point where I got a hand slap on my face and chewed sausage spitted on me and thrown. This is when he later cornered me and I pushed him away, only making him come closer so at the end I have him a slap back. The neighbor had called the cops, I locked myself in and texted friends to come help.

I got to a neighbor (also good friends if the opposite sex, they know this story from before in our past). We spoke with cops and they left. 20 min-ish later he got back violently hitting the doors here so the 2 guys stepped out and a fight started. Apparently I had been cheating on him with theese to at the same time after the cops left. So I called the cops again on him.

Morning here now, he woke us up by knocking for 20 min. Now he is home, texting. Apparently I am doing wrong my not sleeping in my dress at a guys place (I changed into big covering clothes in their toilet)

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I agree with cuppacoffee. Spoil yourself and venting is the best medicine where you are right now. Smash a couple of something wont hurt except the stuff you brake. Skaar skaber glaede.  ;)
This place is for venting, all partners know 99% of what you are up against.
Some of us unfortunately have to convince our partners they have a problem, looks like you have a different problem, he is oversharing. When he is, you can ask him to stop until you have digested the latest camel he gave you.
 

Yesterday was a milestone! I brought up the karezza think with him, and he soaked it in. Agreed it might work for us, since he has been he gentle one and lately I have changed myself regarding gentle touch etc has become, awkard and hard. He explained easily how this might also boost my self confidence to become secure in my own body. "how do we do this? How often?". We are starting from there! I'm excited actually! Feeling a glimpse of hope again after such a dark period for me.

Also dates, I miss dating! We have been lacking that. We have been busy locking us in being miserable. Letting the walls get to close so we argue and lately both have been so sensitive about everything! Finally excited about coming home!

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As a PA I can definitely support what Metal22 posted. I wish you the best, Danish- It is so unfair that partners suffer from another's PA, and that even in recovery we PA's can continue to hurt others.

Some of what you've described sounds to me like codependence. I don't mean that to blame you, but to point out that learning about codependence and enmeshing might help you to suffer less.

Do you feel comfortable sharing why your man has decided to reboot? Reading the PA forum it seems like many just want to recover from PIED. To me that seems shallow, and any improvement in that area would lead to relapse.

Like Metal22 wrote, the PA has to really, really, really want to quit. It seems to me that healing oneself, one's relationship, and ethical/spiritual motivations would strengthen recovery and have lasting impacts.

Well that he had issues have always been clear. He struggled to get a hard-on already from the start of our relationship continuing throughout the entire relationship. His idea was to not use porn back in the days where we lived a distance relationship (neighbor countries) which for me was fine. We had phonesex, cam, pictures you name it! We have always been from the start really sexual both of us, and willing to please each other. But I found porn on his browser again, and again, and again not to mention the lies around it. I would not have a issue with it since we tried to keep the sexual tension high even though the distance. I would not get mad if the idea was to keep porn out of the relationship. This left many scars, so instead I started to send more and more just to keep him away from porn which I ofcourse now did not really matter. I moved in. Both of us have been jealous, my partner probably even more. So while having sex, still having issues staying hard, he thought of me with my partners from my past leading to a lot of anxiety. This is when he started to fantasize about other women from his everyday life instead of me. This has been the toughest to handle, it hit me as hard as cheating (been cheated on before, and cheating back on my partners in my teenage years. The 'revenge cheat').

I packed my stuff and went to a hotel one evening, still know knowing what was wrong with my boyfriend. Why is I so mad? So emotional? Why do I have to tip on my toes? Why is something feeling wrong? And that's when he told me he thinks he has a issue. The porn has been there when I went to work, the cravings, how it is not me but him. I wanted to throw up I remember. It made me sick to my stomach, but I decided to stay. And I found 'yourbrainonporn' which has been so helpful for both of us. The reboot I think he started because of the incapacity of not staying hard but also the anxiety. Our sex is better than ever but now I'm so damaged that afterwards I can still think 'was this a craving?' 'He is sayin no, can I trust him?' 'Did he think of me?'...

There has been many relapses, up to 6 or maybe even more in a 2 month period. Something is going wrong, and I don't really know what.


Yesterday as you know was rough. All of the sudden he broke down in tears talking about how he wants us to not worry. How he wants to get out of his addiction and how he is willing to work. He doesn't like the tought of his teenage years being like this, and me being so sad.

Also notice, he has never said anything regarding my looks to hurt me it is just me who has started to find a different story between the lines all the time. I just don't think I trust him enough... Why tho? I want to?

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Anona
Ja jo det har du jo rætt i :D

Today is so hard tho. I'm ending up on the bathroom floor crying because I literally can't deal with talking more about my feelings. There is no ending to theese tears at all today. Thank you so much for tips tho!

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You can have all the sex you want, but he must not O. It can be very intense, so he needs to learn thinking about boring stuff so he does not O.
I guess you as me are fan of Gary who made YBOP, his wife has a web page about Karezza.
http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/what_is_karezza
I guess he needs to not O for the hole 90 days for full effect.
The point is stopping the relapse. It should be very effective in helping that part.

Oh yes I read about it sometime while ago. Not giving it such much though because it did not seem needed. I have also visited his wife's webpage some times earlier. I will sleep on it, take a open discussion with my partner and see where this might lead. (My way of sex has changed because I feel the need to be like the things he has been watching. Acting out on something I am not). Probably needed for both of us to find back to romance. There has been no dates or no slow/calm sex.

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Dear Danish
I am not quite sure, but I suspect your partners biggest problem is the chaser, that is the reason for his relapses imo.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-chaser
He needs at least 90 days clean before he can rewire and start being the partner you deserve. You can look into Karezza if 3 months no sex sounds scary. That will also solve the problem with finding his natural libido.

I read it. I recognize it. So what to do? No sex for how long? How do I present this to him? Because he has relapses when I travel to my home country, in the mornings etc even tho we have kept a active sexlife (3-6 times a week).

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Hi again!

I have been going mad about thinkin I was not normal and taking this differently than I should. It is such a hard process... Unbelievably hard.

Today is hard between us, but I really love this man and I believe he is willing to go 100% as he tell me. I adore him more than anything.

We just watched the documentary 'hot girls wanted' together. No talk, no body contact just both of us soaking it all in from a tip I saw here. I am also trying to get a psychologist to seek help. He also just recently contacted SLAA (sex, love, anonymous alcoholics) I think they are called.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and say 'fuck this' but I have moved across sea for this man, and I truly deep down believe him but sometimes I just don't. Maybe because of my own exhaustion? Stress? Bad thoughts?


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So i recently wrote a post but I decided to create a new one because I did not have the time or ability to sit down and express myself.

Is it really only me who's selfesteem is being dragged down being with someone who is a addicted person? Also please men or women who are going trough the addiction yourself dont look away!
My partner (male) and I have had a rocky road with mistrust and arguments, alot of arguments. And I am starting to feel hopeless, downgraded, not wanted.

We started off with the reboot program as a couple with many 'relapses'. It was easy to stay supportive in the beginning and we had a real good open conversation when for a example a craving took hand. I was able to stay in control and help him trough it while I was at work. But then something changed, one relapse after another when I went to work and all of the sudden I ended up at a place where I felt like I had no control. I for a example, cant go to work with a good mindset because in my head it is always 'what if he searches for something now?' or 'what if he aint honest? He had lied before?'. It has been giving me so much anxiety lately and now when a relapse happeneds I can't be supportive anymore. I feel cheated on, mistreated even though I am aware of it got nothing to do with me I still can't help but to wonder.

Here are some things that has been destroying me completely lately:

1. He has been fantasising about classmates to keep hard during sex.
2. He has found easier triggers, he does not need porn to jerk off anymore because now just a simple girl in a bikini on instagram is material enough. Why not me? He has so much material to use of me?
3. All comments about me looking better somehow else like when I got my eyelashes done, or have worked out and results are being noticeable are hurtful.
4. I think of myself of a place to get loose of cravings. Sex for me has turned into, even though our sexlife is perfect because he can stay indurate throughout the entire sex, but i still feel like a place to ejactulate.

Why?

1. Am i not good enough?
2. Am i not good enough?
3. Am i not good enough?
4. Am i not good enough?

This process is literally destroying me, and when I try to bring it up i feel like it is not going anywhere. I just now made it a topic to not have sex because when I am turning him down he becomes so, distant and moody. And I also suggested to (as a tip from yourbrainonporn.com) to make his phone and computer browser safe. But the answer there was. "I have not even watched porn lately but I am not against it". That answer just made me think, does it matter if you have used porn or not? It is about avoiding triggers isn't it?

Maybe I am starting to go crazy, or maybe I take it all way to personal but how do you go trough this with a partner without taking it personal? I mean, sex, love, attraction is such a personal think itself and that is probably why it hurts the most.

What can I do better for my man?


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