Age 32 - the lifelong struggle

Hello all!

I'm hoping that this forum will give me help in my struggle with stopping porn and in learning to have a balanced love life.

My entire life has been about porn. In a nutshell I am a working professional, 32 years old, said to be handsome. I had girlfriends from time to time, although porn has always been stronger. I recently met a girl who is beyond special, and she has been driving me crazy every moment... everything is about her now. This is the point where I realized that something is really messed up. And I would do anything not to lose her. I'll write down all my thoughts... helps to see more clearly.

My parents gave me a tough time. They demonstrated support all the time, they gave us everything they could. On the other end, they hated each other, and we had to see them fight all the time. They had no clue how to care, to support emotionally; it was really messed up. In social environments I was struggling to get rid of the patterns I learnt at home, even in my mid twenties.
My father even molested me. Grabbing my junk while in the shower, surprised by touching while being half asleep, etc. It was so confusing I had no idea.

I already had many mental problems developed by the age of 14, when I first saw porn. I was very much of an introvert, with depression, anxiety and learned helplessness. Porn became a regular habit quickly, a hobby, and it allowed me to release stress.

First I saw magazines, video tapes, then in a few years the online content arrived. I developed my little world, I watched about an hour of porn per day, and masturbated to let it go. I had my favorite scenes, actresses, positions by the age of 16; while I was so scared of people that I didn't really have anyone close to me. This was my second world, where I was left in peace. We developed a relationship so strong that nothing could break it.

I looked terrible, had overweight, was completely alone. So many things were wrong that I didn't really have an idea of what is going on. At a point somehow I decided to go to therapy, and started to open up at around 23. My results were getting worse at university, and even dropped out for a year, did nothing. My porn addiction became even stronger. There was nothing but my favorite movie collection.

Out of curiosity I posted on dating sites, and met girls from time to time. First date at the age of 22. Although I wasn't really interested in having sex with anyone... porn was better. Even if we tried, ED came and was making me feel worse, and the relationship ended after some time. If I tried, it was a huge failure and misery. I decided not to even try with real girls.

Somehow I got a good job after finishing university and started to travel (age 26). Got some money, and the world opened up. Porn was still going on, but somehow I ended up with a girl. ED all the time. First time I acknowledged the problem, went to a hospital for a checkup... nothing found, they gave me viagra. Long story short, I had attachment issues, and we broke up. Back to happy porn times.

There were some other girls, but the result was all the same. Back to porn. As expected, I started consuming different topics, and my interest became more 'diverse'. Some of them even started to scare me. This was going on for multiple years.

Two years ago (age 30) I found YBOP and was shocked, read all the articles available- I decided to do a reboot. It took me about 6 months until I convinced myself to start; never managed to get through 3-4 days before.
I did 3 months when I met a girl on a dating site. It was life changing. Things were working on an acceptable level, we had great fun for a few months. Following the separation I returned to porn immediately. After half a year I convinced myself again, but didn't really work... I ended up watching soft stuff, images, I tried to keep the stimulation as low as possible. In the end, nothing changed, back to porn.

Three months ago I met a girl, and she is special. I feel confident with her, and she supports me. At this moment she is the most important in my life. I love her and would do anything to be with her. She is a couple of years younger, we work in the same field, and we really complement each other. I can feel open with her, we have no secrets except this, we share similar interests, taste, lifestyle, etc. She just changed my life.

I am afraid to tell her anything... Most of the time I have been having the worst flatline ever. We had successful sex a very few times, and the many failures are building up a lot of stress. She has no idea why all this happens, and has varied reactions to it. Even if I get an erection, it is not good enough, and lasts a short time. I feel that she really wants me, and this must work. I don't know what to do. I tried different kinds of pills- even with cialis many times I had no luck. It feels numb, like there is no stimulation down there at all, even though I really want her.

I decreased my consumtion as much as I could, although soft content is still there. My addiction is too strong, I can't deal with it, there is no stop. I can manage with pictures only, but there must be something. I feel like I am cheating on her, and there's nothing I can do. The helplessness is still there...

I feel that my relationship with porn is just too strong to overcome and I don't even know how to approach this. She gives me hope in a better life. I want to do this more like anything else, but I am afraid that she will leave me if things don't work out over time. She is still patient, but it will not last forever... I want to be with her like nothing else in this world. This is where I am today.

I would like to say thanks to anyone who read my post. I am happy to elaborate, and would be more than excited to receive any comments or recommendations!

Keep going! You can do this!

The stress is common it seems. You get ED once and its all you can think about the next time. So you got all this pressure that is shutting down the system.

For me I felt my erection come back bit by bit with each day. Seems common here. Just go to spend the time re-wiring that brain.

Your addiction seems to be very strong, images might be a way to decrease but it will still be there as long as you don't cut it your good.
I don't see it like a way to solve your problem, you must stop completely even if you don't succeed right away, you might do 1 week without porn, then 10 days, then 2 weeks. Don't feel too bad about it, it's an addiction and we're humans, some people can stop for good, others take more time, the positive effects will be there at the end of line.
As for your girlfriend, it's not an easy decision to talk to her about it. She might become a strong support though... I still don't plane to tell my wife even if we share everything. I guess I don't what her to see me like a weak man with addiction, that's my problem, it have to deal with it. It depends of your relationship with her, you're the only one to know.

Thanks guys for the nice words!

I have been hesitating to tell her... I'm not convinced she would take it well, the bond might not be strong enough yet. I am considering it though. If she understands and accepts, she would support for sure.

Worst of all, I'm away from her for a few days. I'm facing difficult family problems, my parents are not doing too well, and the situation is quite exhausting.
I was feeling really down and confused this morning and ended up watching P, then the full cycle came... Back to square one, I'm ashamed and feeling terrible now, like I'm cheating on her. Due to this I will not be able to have sex with her in a few days for sure when we meet again. ED is guaranteed now. I feel like I could cry. Back to day 1 tomorrow, let's see how long I can go next....
Looking back I don't even have a clue how I could have avoided this

lpx said:

Thanks guys for the nice words!

I have been hesitating to tell her... I'm not convinced she would take it well, the bond might not be strong enough yet. I am considering it though. If she understands and accepts, she would support for sure.

Worst of all, I'm away from her for a few days. I'm facing difficult family problems, my parents are not doing too well, and the situation is quite exhausting.
I was feeling really down and confused this morning and ended up watching P, then the full cycle came... Back to square one, I'm ashamed and feeling terrible now, like I'm cheating on her. Due to this I will not be able to have sex with her in a few days for sure when we meet again. ED is guaranteed now. I feel like I could cry. Back to day 1 tomorrow, let's see how long I can go next....
Looking back I don't even have a clue how I could have avoided this

Click to expand...

Don't get down on yourself, and remember that the number one goal always is to avoid porn and beat the addiction. The ED will come and there is nothing you can do about it except stay on the straight and narrow. A better life is on the other side!

I'm sorry to read about your situation, it's hard that you already know you'll have ED because of what you've done, I can't imagine how that must feel... but at least, you know what causes your problem and how to beat it.
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you are committed to stop, it will happen eventually. If you feel bad about your family and about yourself it will not help you feel better in general. Think of yourself as someone with a purpose and a strong will, not as someone failing. You are fighting a strong enemy, you lost a battle but the war is not over!

I'm winning for the last 2 weeks but honestly, I don't feel so good, and very often I feel like losing would be better... it's hard not to fall again...

fugu said:

lpx said:

Thanks guys for the nice words!

I have been hesitating to tell her... I'm not convinced she would take it well, the bond might not be strong enough yet. I am considering it though. If she understands and accepts, she would support for sure.

Worst of all, I'm away from her for a few days. I'm facing difficult family problems, my parents are not doing too well, and the situation is quite exhausting.
I was feeling really down and confused this morning and ended up watching P, then the full cycle came... Back to square one, I'm ashamed and feeling terrible now, like I'm cheating on her. Due to this I will not be able to have sex with her in a few days for sure when we meet again. ED is guaranteed now. I feel like I could cry. Back to day 1 tomorrow, let's see how long I can go next....
Looking back I don't even have a clue how I could have avoided this

Click to expand...

Don't get down on yourself, and remember that the number one goal always is to avoid porn and beat the addiction. The ED will come and there is nothing you can do about it except stay on the straight and narrow. A better life is on the other side!

Click to expand...

Remember the feeling you have when you fail. Try to internalize exactly how you feel after you have fapped. The next time you get the urge to watch porn , try to remember how awful it makes you feel like it does now. Also remember that the brain can rationalize anything (thats how e.g. genocides happen) and you need to be aware of this. This is usually your primitive brain and you need to "think" with your more logical brain.

Hello everybody,
thanks, your recommendations help a huge amount.
I have been able to stay 'sober' for a few days now. I noticed that the first 2-3 days are fairly easy to stay clean; and that's when the urge hits. I'll try to keep strong as much as possible in the next days.
I'm meeting her tonight, we haven't seen each other for a week... Having sex is guaranteed, and I'm a quite stressed even to think about it. I'm feeling helpless since the ED is guaranteed, based on previous experience- the last PMO was just a few days ago.
She's going to get stressed out for sure. She doesn't have a clue how to handle ED, never seen before... and she will blame herself even though I make sure to explain that it's not her fault at all. I think she might be a bit insecure about this happpening. She becomes furious in the end, and won't even be able to touch or look at me for like half a day. Then she relaxes and things are back to normal, even accepts that she overreacted...
There's nothing much I could do, I feel clueless. I'm afraid to tell her yet.
Every time this thing happens, it feels like it damages the relationship... What should I do?

I want to add some technical details, computer stuff - maybe it will help someone!
When I managed to be clean three months straight, here is what I did. I was very upset at myself at that time.

I went to opendns.org and set up an account with very restrictive settings (not only porn, even lingerie and any adult related content). Then I took their settings and I plugged it into my home wifi router. With this all browsing on any device was filtered. Then I set up a random password for the router and the opendns account, wrote it down and gave it to a friend to keep, without any further comments. He had no clue, and put it away real deep. I asked him from time to time to give it back to me when I had to enable an accidental block, but only in sober moments.
Next I cancelled all other connections and data plans (cell phones, tablet, and so on). So I only had this single filtered internet access. It was driving me crazy, but having no access was the highest priority.

I hope this helps someone!

Keep going brother!, I am nearly 32 and porn has consumed the majority of my life it seems.

I am now 10 days sober and cannot believe how well I have done.

This forum is very helpful, make sure to use it.

In regards to the girl, I don't know whether the 'love' element has come into play but if she truly cares about you, lay it all on the table and tell her about your struggles.

All the best

Maybe I can shed some different light on your struggle with ED and that girl you like so much.

I learned to deal with ED long before I realised that my ED is caused by PMO.
And the funny thing is, I learned to deal with it from my girlfriends themselves and from conversations I had with other female friends.

So take it from them that ED is much less of a problem than you think!
They helped me realise that a part of ED and the problems it creates in the bedroom are stress and performance related.
Because, at some level, most men have a deep-rooted belief that they have to be a rock hard stud from start to finish.
If you have a belief like that however, you're actually making your ED worse. As well as ruining your chances of having a good time in the bedroom.
As long as you still PMO, your ED is probably not going to disappear, but you can eliminate the stress component.

I did it by deciding that I was going to be OK with not getting an erection during attempts at intercourse. And that simple decision took away most, if not all of the pressure.
What I found next was that is is possible to penetrate with a limp or half erect penis as long as you take it slow, act like everything is fine and you use the missionary position. Don't start pumping away. Do the opposite. Once you're in all the way, simply cuddle for a while and then start moving slowly. Moving does not mean pumping, it means keeping your pubic bone glued to hers and move with your hips. Whether you get an erection or not is actually not important at all. Not to most of the girls anyway. If it doesn't bother you, it will rarely bother her.
This may feel awkward at first. I know it did for me. But once you allow yourself to believe that sex can be about something other then the example porn gives us, I assure you, you will find what I described above can be very pleasurable and fun.

You even have an advantage I didn't had at the time. You already know that your ED will most likely improve if you abstain from PMO for a while.

So if you were beating yourself up for not getting hard, stop that. Stop believing girls desire a solid metal object between your legs. That's bullshit only men believe.

As for telling her the whole story. Everything will start making a lot more sense for her if you do.
But only you can judge whether it's something your relationship can handle.

Hope this helps. Good luck brother!

What I found next was that is is possible to penetrate with a limp or half erect penis as long as you take it slow, act like everything is fine and you use the missionary position. Don't start pumping away. Do the opposite. Once you're in all the way, simply cuddle for a while and then start moving slowly. Moving does not mean pumping, it means keeping your pubic bone glued to hers and move with your hips. Whether you get an erection or not is actually not important at all. Not to most of the girls anyway. If it doesn't bother you, it will rarely bother her.
This may feel awkward at first. I know it did for me. But once you allow yourself to believe that sex can be about something other then the example porn gives us, I assure you, you will find what I described above can be very pleasurable and fun.

Click to expand...

This is very good advise. I learned the same thing in the early phase of my reboot. The key is to get the girl aroused (and therefore "open up") and maybe even use some lube. It is then very easy to slide inside with an otherwise embarrassing erection - and to make gentle love. Finding positions that work for that is also key (mine was different from the missionary btw). It will boost your confidence, most likely feel very good, chances are it will breathe some life into the little guy at some point - rewiring at its finest.

I've just joined the site, been using porn since about 15, on and off, and Internet porn regularly since about 22 (so 12 years or so for the latter).

For about 7 years I had almost subconsciously known that porn was a cause of my ED, or at the very least related to it. The reason being is that ED was an issue in a past relationship, and my ex used to get very upset when I would use Internet porn, so sometimes I would go without for a month or so so as to not rock the boat, and after these periods of abstinence, I found it easier to get turned on my "tamer" porn, e.g. stuff you would find on TV late at night.

I found out some 16 months ago for sure that Internet porn was my issue, and did manage to give it up for about 3 months, after 2 months I was able to have sex successfully, and this lasted for almost a year, but fell back into old habits about 5 months ago.
Feel like I am wasting my life (and have wasted so much already) by indulging in such a pointless exercise which in turn prevents me from pursuing meaningful relationships.

My apologies if the above belongs in a new thread of my own, but I wanted to give you some of my background, as I have not posted before, before I asked a question about something that you mentioned, if you don't mind.

You said in your original post " I had attachment issues, and we broke up"...if you don't mind me asking, did you have an issue of becoming TOO attached, or were scared to make an attachment?

I ask as I have had issues in the past where I have tended to become too attached to people, more so when I was younger (early twenties), though I think this was due to a general issue with confidence, and not PMO/ED.
Last few years it has been the opposite, save for one occasion (the last 'relationship' that broke down due to ED. Despite not knowing off the issues of porn, I was OK in terms of ED for several years also (on and off), before I found out about the whole PMO induced ED thing - I had other issues which made PMO emotionally painful, so having stopped due to that, I think the ED went away without me knowing why)....to the point where I wonder if I will ever find anyone that I feel attached to again.

Once again, sorry for hijacking your post.

P.S. The whole 'relapse' thing is a real pain in the ass, right? You feel like you've let yourself down, but I guess the best thing to do is to just not get down on yourself (which has led me, recently, to just think "fuck it, I may as well go back to PMO"), and get back on the horse (i.e. abstaining).

@ mookie6092

Feel like I am wasting my life (and have wasted so much already) by indulging in such a pointless exercise which in turn prevents me from pursuing meaningful relationships.

Click to expand...

Really understand this statement you just made. Porn is actually NOT providing you with the pleasure it promises to deliver. It is robbing joy and pleasure from you. Get the mindset of "I am no longer watching porn because it will not give me as much pleasure as a real meaningful relationship. In fact, it can make it impossible to even feel pleasure in a real relationship"

Looking at this from a "health issue" perspective changed the whole ball game for me. Porn is no longer an option in my mind because I know where that will lead me. That painful, desensitized place is somewhere I will never go again.

My apologies if the above belongs in a new thread of my own, but I wanted to give you some of my background

Click to expand...

Feel free to start a thread of your own and copy and paste most of this in there. It's all good, you post here will surely help someone and also you, and that is the whole point.

Welcome to the Nation

Thanks Gabe, for your insight, and kids words

Maybe in time, I will share more.
Trying to occupy my mind in other ways at the moment, trying to read more (i.e. spend more time away from the PC!).

Reminds me actually, of a song!

Sorry for being away for some time and not responding...
Things have been acceptable with my girlfriend. I'm currently in between apartments and am staying at her place, so basically we're together several hours per day.
I tried the recommendations regarding the partial ED and they did work in missionary. Thanks! I agree that building confidence and enjoying the moment together are key.
So things in order: when I met her after a week, I started with a disastrous ED. I did have a lot of stress though from different sources, and I think she kind of accepted that.
Next day I took a pill and things worked I was incredibly happy. Although I feel that she's not too satisfied still, as my skillset is very weak. It's clear that I have very low experience in building romance, touching in the right place, listening to her body, and even doing the thing...
Next few days, I did not want to take a pill. I'm somehow noticing that anything related to penetration has the highest risk of ED, before or during. Does anyone have experience with this? I decided to go 69 only, and it worked, both nights. Same for just playing with hands... I'm not sure why this is. It's really visible that I got wired to a selfish hands only mode in the last 15 years. I wonder how much time this will take to change.
I'm not sure how to approach this, I'm happy for any thoughts!

mookie6092 said:

You said in your original post " I had attachment issues, and we broke up"...if you don't mind me asking, did you have an issue of becoming TOO attached, or were scared to make an attachment?

I ask as I have had issues in the past where I have tended to become too attached to people, more so when I was younger (early twenties), though I think this was due to a general issue with confidence, and not PMO/ED.
Last few years it has been the opposite, save for one occasion (the last 'relationship' that broke down due to ED. Despite not knowing off the issues of porn, I was OK in terms of ED for several years also (on and off), before I found out about the whole PMO induced ED thing - I had other issues which made PMO emotionally painful, so having stopped due to that, I think the ED went away without me knowing why)....to the point where I wonder if I will ever find anyone that I feel attached to again.

Click to expand...

Hey mookie, thanks for the comment.
Good question... I'm still struggling with this, and relationship dynamics in general. I was raised in an environment where all this was messed up, I had basically no good examples. I have been learning on the way, and had lots of rejections.
I really wanted to get attached, to anybody that was open... I was lonely most of my life. I got attached too easily and hurt myself most of the time.
Nowadays it's difficult to build trust. Even if I manage, it's very challenging to figure out what to expect and how much I can give. I constantly monitor my partner, friends and try to balance consciously.
All I can say is to keep an eye open and learn, discuss, maybe even tell- a few times I laid out my cards and worked...

Your story is so similar to mine.  After 13 years of straight porn addiction, I told my wife of 1 year about it.  She took it well, didn't judge me.  She will probably like that you opened up to her about this.

Good luck stay strong!

Putting your self in a position to tell her is showing a lot of vulnerability. Allowing your self to be vunerable is very powerful. If you can tell her its shows a lot of strength and I think it would blow her socks of how honest your are and definetly put you both on the same level which is what everyone wants. All the best pal

Hey all!


I have been away for quite some time but now I do have the story to tell.


So... Last week was a tough flatline again, a typical no response situation. She was getting freaked out as I was trying to avoid her approach since it was clear that things would not happen.
One night we went out, both of us got quite drunk. We ended up at her place at 2 am, she was horny as hell... and I was in the same shoes, no response. She got angry, started yelling that this is too much and she wants to know what's going on. I asked her to be patient, which she said she has been... And I understand that.
Somehow I felt like this is the moment to tell her. Be reminded we were drunk and the air was filled with stress. I was not prepared how to share this with her.  I started talking, described addiction, rewiring of the brain, etc. As I mentioned porn she started crying, she said she is disgusted and needs to think. She was having pain in the stomach from the idea, couldn't even look at me. She asked me not to tell this to my next girlfriend. Everything was perfect until this moment and I saw the magic falling into pieces in her eyes. She was asking why this had to happen to her and was crying. We discussed for a few more hours, I decided to stay and we fell asleep at 5am.
I couldn't sleep much, and when she woke up, didn't even talk to me. I felt incredibly stupid and devastated. She meant everything to me, and now these are the last minutes. Feelings were so intense I started crying. I told her I love her and asked her to discuss again and wanted to convince her that it's not such big of a deal. She told me she's not the right person for me. I told her I would do anything to make it work and that I'm convinced it's possible.
We talked all day and in the evening I saw some forgiving in her eyes. She knows I love her a lot. In the evening we hugged and there was even a kiss.
This happened two days ago. We agreed to continue but now I have to rebuild trust. I know that she is into me too but won't be patient for long.
We agreed that I will tell her if I have confidence or if I'm in a middle of a flatline. I'll get back on pills and hope to get things back on track as soon as possible. All I'm hoping now is the rewiring to happen.
The next few days were filled with emotions... I felt happy for having a huge weight off of my shoulders, it was a major relief that took multiple days to process. On the other hand I was quite worried of us, if things will work out or not.
I got so humiliated and disgusted of myself and all my history that I will never look at porn in my life again. Never this crap again.
I would be happy to hear any thoughts or recommendations! I'm not sure what would've the best strategy now... Thanks guys!