heroin/porn addict with pied

What's up reboot nation, my name is Greg and I am a 23 year old porn/heroin addict. I tend to have quite the addictive personality and seeing as alot of people like to compare their addictions to heroin as it is seen usually as the worst, I felt I could offer up a unique perspective.

A little back story on my pmo, I started masterbating really young before I even knew what it was. I remember In second grade climbing up a pole at recess and having it feel really good when my junk rubbed up against the pole, so from there on out I was on a pleasure seeking mission. I have really been exhibiting addictive and compulsive behaviors since I was really young, and looking back its really not much of a surprise to me that I ended up as a heroin addict.

I have however gotten clean from the heroin and all drugs, and don't even smoke (cigarettes or weed) anymore. I wish I could say the same about porn and masterbation. With as insidious an addiction as it was, I was somehow able to quit using after multiple failed attempts in rehab, a bout of homelessness and a stint in jail ( you know all the finer things in life!). Eventually I got to the point where enough was enough and I had had it with the drug lifestyle. I am now going to college pursuing a bachelor's degree in computer science and working at Starbucks as a baritsta.

I am trying my hardest to live a healthy and productive life, but one thing that keeps on getting in my way and making me feel like a loser again is the porn and masterbation. Being the addict that I am, things quickly escalated to more and more misogynistic and degrading porn. I however justified it, as I was keeping it as my last vice, my last holdout to becoming a normal productive member of society.

That is until about a month ago. I ran into a beautiful ex-girlfriend from high school and we had both just gotten out of relationships. We hung out all day at the beach and when I was about to take her home she asked me if I wanted her. I said yes obviously as she is gorgeous, has huge boobs, a cute face, perfectly toned body the whole 9 yards. Anyways, we parked my truck in an isolated spot and she took off all of her clothes, but I could barely get hard enough to put on the condom. I told her to wait and tried to fantasize about porn, but that didn't work ethier. So we left she went home disappointed and I went home ashamed. This wasn't the first time this had happened to me ethier, but I somehow just know it was from all my excessive porn usage. I needed porn to function. There it was. The reason that I needed to quit my last vice. I can't live a happy sober life knowing my thing is as useless as a pool noodle in a pole vaulting contest!

So far I have only been able to make it about a week before I "accidentally" make myself O and have to reset. The thing is that I have been so scared that I don't work anymore that I keep on trying to "test" to see if I still work. I realized that I don't remember the last time I have even gotten morning wood and went to get my testosterone checked and a couple other things the doctor wanted to see. The doc offered me viagra, and admittedly, it does work for me as it helped me get past performance anxiety due to E.D. to help get past it with a different girl, but this time...I know what it is I need to do. I need a reboot.

I want to just function normally and not have to rely on viagra or anything. I even went out and bought a "cock ring", but I doubt that I'd be confident enough to actually pull that thing out with a girl, and I'd need to get hard on my own enough for it to work anyways.

It's crazy how different this addiction is from heroin. While heroin took my soul and turned me it to Golem from the Lord of the Rings, both physically and mentally, and left me writhing on the ground in withdrawal, unable to sleep for over a week drenched in sweat, vomiting, aching while simultaneously having a constant panic attack, PMO has its own set of challenges. It is so not like that at all that it is very easy to justify continuing to use it. It is easily accessible (obviously) and everyone seems to think that it's not a problem. That it's natural. But anything that makes someone unable to use their member for what it's naturally there for is no good in my opinion.

I am determined to quit this and I pray that my PIED will be reversed. Thanks to everyone on this forum and I hope we all recover!

Okay so update day 3 and I got morning wood already!!!! I think this is also because of all the mini reboots that lasted a week previous to this one. (I did about 4 consecutive weeks with only one O prior to this reboot)I feel much healthier trying to stay away from fantasizing and edging as well and am feeling much more optimistic about this reboot. No p. No m. And no o. That's the way to do it!

My wood quality was actually stronger than I've seen it in a long time! And I know I have a long way to go, but seeing results already is really a blessing! I feel like a kid that just woke up Christmas morning, except instead of finding a present under the tree, I found a tree in my pants!

Okay so day 3 still.  Been having some brain fog and increased anxiety. Was going to to work out to calm myself down, but just as I was about to walk out the door I got called into work early. Went to work and had a really hard time with brain fog, anxiety and fatigue. Like my brain was really slow to process information. This happened to me alot when I quit drugs as well and I know it is from the withdrawl from p.m.o. crazy how I can go from so happy in the morning to so out of it and chappy feeling by the end of the day. Mood swings for sure. Still stoked I got morning wood this morning though haha.

Welcome to the forum, good life decisions -- quitting these things.  ;D

Worth every bit of effort. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need help. 

Thanks iadmitihaveaproblem!

Day 4. I'm at work on break right now. The brain fog is not nearly as bad as yesterday, I feel much more clear headed. Got morning wood again this morning! However the dream that I woke up from was somewhat sexual so it may have been from that. In my dream I was sitting in a classroom and there was a very attractive teacher showing me pictures of women on a teleprompter. She was lacking through them and the pictures were getting more and more sexual. It got to naked women and I told the teacher to stop and I woke up at this point. Very wierd. I think this is like my subconscious processing my fight against porn. Very interesting to me that even in my dream I said NO to the pornography. I used to have these same types of dreams about heroin all the time when I first got clean as well, so I think that it's part of the recovery process for me.

Welcome to RN! Much respect for quitting your other vices and starting the road to kicking porn.  I find your dream interesting.  It sounds as though it is a good sign, seeing as you had these dreams about heroin when you got clean.  Stay strong and keep up the good work! I'll be looking forward to reading future posts of yours and seeing your journey.

Best,
CM

Thanks crow-magnon! Ya I think it's a good sign too or at least a sign that my subconscious now recognizes this as the new state of affairs. A new lifestyle without p.m.o.!

Okay day 4 update, just got off of work. No morning wood this morning but woke up for an earlier shift and don't think I was in r.e.m. anyways so not too worried. I've been really horny today and I work with a bunch of gorgeous women. After I got home I felt exhausted and laid in bed for a while. Started fantasizing alot which im really trying to avoid, so now I'm going to head to the gym. I was getting into working out alot for a couple of months prior to this, but sprained my hip at work(yes at Starbucks I know XD) a couple of weeks ago and haven't gotten back to hitting it since. I don't think I'm at the point where I can run yet, but I think a little heavy lifting may just do the trick for all of this pent up sexual energy that I've been feeling today.

Day 5. Woke up from a dream(no recollection of the dream but I remember being conscious that I was dreaming a moment before) w/ no morning wood. Also no sex drive to speak of. Flatlining? Maybe. I am wondering if all throughout R.E.M. sleep are you supposed to be erect? Or is it just that it's possible during that time? Anyways, went to work, felt really sluggish this morning and borderline depressed, but snapped out of it when I went to work. It was a busy day bUT not much brain fog and was able to handle the rushes on bar and drive through without any problems really.
Im feeling like I'm connecting more with coworkers when I'm there, joking around and whatnot. So basically seeing some mental benefits right now, but physically and sexually feel dead. Like if a beautiful woman propositioned me I'd walk away with my tail hanging limply between my legs. Although maybe that's not too bad as I'm scared that even if I was to be sexually active too early, it may mess things up with my e.d. so I think I'm going to just do hardmode for at least the first 90. I know Gabe said it can take much longer than that, and I fit pretty much every criteria for a longer reboot time and I don't wanna discourage myself by having yet another failed sexual experience. Those are just huge hits to my ego.
Anyways gona hit the gym and then do some programming. Gonna avoid laying idle as yesterday, I started fantisizing. Not too much about porn, but like Gabe said, most of my fantasies that I come up with are pretty much subconsciously influenced by porn at least to some degree at this stage In my recovery.

Day 6! My counter is a couple hours from day 7 actually woke up with morning wood this morning! Nothing gets me in the mood to get the day started quite like that! Just got off of work, had a fairly long shift, but felt good throughout. I find myself unconsciously flirting and being more social with the women there, and more social just in general to guys and girls. Had someone tell me that I looked like I was 19 and that I looked to young to be 23. I smiled and said thanks as when I was using drugs and pmo I tended to look older and worn, but now Im getting more of my youthful spirit back and apparently it's showing to other people as well!  I am going to celebrate recovery tonight(a Christian 12 step group that I highly reccomend. Deals with all kinds of addictions, and many people are there exclusively because of porn) at 6 and it's 4 now. I'm going to try and squeeze some gym time in as I said I was going to yesterday, but never went.

Day 7. Woke up w/ no morning wood. I feel like flirting with women alot, but then think I shouldnt put myself in the position where I could fail. Scary feeling when you have pied. Yesterday hit the gym and went to celebrate recovery and shared about my porn addiction and also mentioned rebootnation to them. I ran the media there and am getting more involved recently. Just got off of work right now and had a good day. It's my moms birthday today, so i went out and got her a card and some flowers. I'm going to hit the gym now then go see my therapist that I've been seeing lately. I told him about my porn struggles as well. It feels good having this more out in the open. You shed light on the darkness and the darkness loses its power. Secrets kept in the dark tend to grow exponentially greater, and when exposed it's like their hold is very much loosened.

Day 8! Woke up w/ morning wood this morning was really strong! Been feeling out of it and brain fog feels back today however with an increased anxiety level. Was going to get off of work right now, but got asked to stay longer and am dreading it. Feeling a pressure in my groin and stomach, sort of like a lingering blue balls feeling today. So mixed feelings today. Got really horny again yesterday and didn't end up going to the gym. I ended up searching instagram and lingering a little too long on some attractive women. Thinking I might have to delete my Instagram or at least the app on my phone. Therapist appointment went well yesterday. 

I feel pretty crappy today. Muscles hurt, anxiety brain fog, fatigue.  Made it through work.

Hey man i'm proud of you...you overcame heroid and now you will get off porn and get your life back. I'm myself on day 1 after some mediocre streaks.
How do you compare the withdrawal of quiting pmo with the heroin addiction?
Keep pushing forward

Thanks m_k! As far as withdrawals go, It's really not even in the ballpark of heroin at all imo. Heroin withdrawl makes you wish you were dead 10 times over, hallucinating sometimes from lack of sleep, writhing in pain and the anxiety from that is really something I didn't think I could survivie. Porn withdrawl is annoying though and still makes it hard for me to concentrate and better myself. Porn withdrawl i would more compare to something called "post acute withdrawals" from heroin. Those are the residual effects someone experiences for months or years after quitting where it's difficult to concentrate, heightened anxiety, depression and just a general feeling of dysphoria. It's still not as intense as that but that doesn't mean it's not still a struggle. It's on a different level but both are addictions and I see the same patterns in both. Withdrawl isn't everything though. Meth dosent have much of a withdrawl but that doesn't mean people aren't addicted to it. Im still struggling to fight this porn addiction and it is alot more addictive than people admit. Stay strong man, the withdrawls along with cravings will slowly fade away and we'll both be better people for it! It's tough man! But it's worth it!!!

Day nine! Really just woke up but had a sex dream where I was taking some anonymous dream girl back to my house. Ended up running to my room to get a condom, then i woke up. My boss called me at 330 this morning but I honestly didn't answer because it's my day off today and I know they were gonna ask me to come in to open and there are alot of other people they can call and frankly, i just haven't been in the best mood.

Started fantisizing in the shower about a real girl, got a semi erection, then wanted to try to get a full erection :/ so i fantasized about two additional women I knew and the fantasy became basically a porn senario really fast. Got the full erection but didn't prove anything to myself except that my mind is still totally wired to porn if I let it drift that way, and my fantasies escalate as if I'm switching between tabs and getting more and more extreme in my mind.
Pretty ashamed of this and I wish I hadn't done it. I know I'm going to need to avoid this kind of thinking to stay on track. Didn't relapse thankfully by MOing or running to to porn, but I did touch it for a split second then pulled my hand away. I'm not sure what the rules are around this, but I think I'm not going to count that as a relapse, but definately going to make sure that I don't come that close again. I need to be hyper-vigilant in being mindful of my thoughts and not let myself have a porn-influenced field day with fantasizing.

Day 10! Woke up from a porn dream. Was watching porn in the dream and all of a sudden went wait what am I doing?? Was thinking about how ashamed I was and how it was gona suck to have to reset after only the short amount of time I've been rebooting. Woke up and it took me a minute to realize that I really didn't watch porn and was relieved. Had morning wood.

Cravings are really strong today. Need to stay occupied.

Thanks for sharing your interesting story, as you recovered from heroin, you will make your way out of porn too! Good luck!

Thank you achilles heel!

Hey man, it sounds like you have come really far from where you were before! Your story is inspiring. I have no doubt that you'll be able to get free from porn and live a happier life! You got this dude! Looking forward to more updates.