Pornography is a mirror

Mirrors can be dangerous, and pornography is a mirror.  I was thinking about this on my way into work, so i thought i would share ... it may make sense to other partners about why this hurts us so much, aside from the betrayal, its the pornography itself.
Pornography as a mirror shows us how men see women. Not all men, of course -- but the ways in which many men who accept the conventional conception of masculinity see women. It is unsettling to look into that mirror.
It hurts to know that no matter who you are as a woman or girl you can be reduced to a thing to be penetrated, and that men will watch movies about that, and that in many of those movies your humiliation and abuse will be the central theme. It hurts to know that so much of the pornography that our partners are consuming fuses sexual desire with cruelty and abuse.
Even those of us women, who have found ways to cope with the actual injuries from male violence in other situations, struggle with that pornographic reality. It is one thing to deal with acts, even extremely violent acts. It is another to know the thoughts, ideas, and fantasies that lie behind those acts.
People routinely assume that pornography is such a difficult and divisive issue because it's about sex. In fact, this culture struggles unsuccessfully with pornography because it is about men's cruelty to women, and the pleasure men sometimes take in that cruelty. And that is much more difficult for people -- men and women -- to face.
This doesn't mean that all men take sexual pleasure in cruelty. It doesn't mean that all women reject pornography. There is great individual variation in the human species, but there also are patterns in any society. And when those patterns tell us things about ourselves and the world in which we live that are difficult, we often want to look away.

I agree that it?s worrying that there appears to be so much sexualised violence in pornography. If you look at popular entertainment like mainstream movies and TV shoes, there?s s lot of glamourised violence too, lots of men shooting guns at each other etc. It?s so normal it?s invisible. In pornography there are things like choking and gagging that have become more commonplace in real world sexual relationships, especially the generation who have grown up with the internet. They?ve been exposed to sexual violence in porn and because they didn?t have any guidance they saw it as ?normal?. Meanwhile the girls have become more concerned about what they look like during sex and are disconnected from their own capacity to experience physical sexual pleasure.

I know from the experience of my own relationship that long term exposure to internet pornography changes the way men see women. Yes, it is the objectification and viewing and evaluating women?s looks and body parts as if they were screenshots on a porn site. It?s not just when they?re looking at a screen, it?s wherever they go. We know that also from reading the accounts of recovering porn addicts. That going to the park is triggering, that yoga pants are triggering, fishnets are triggering, or whatever, which can prompt some men into relapsing. I?m not talking about seeing a passerby and thinking ?oh that?s a pretty girl? or ?she had a nice figure? but actually scanning the environment for a porn-worthy female body for some kind of sexual stimulation. This is what I?ve read in accounts of recovering porn addicts and even the guys who podcast on this subject. The experts say they have to retrain themselves. If they look it?s the 2 or 3 second rule and reminding themselves that this is a human being who deserves respect and privacy. It IS possible for recovering addicts to train their brain not to objectify in this way.

[porn apologist post deleted]

I want to first state that I am a male. I suspect that erht is also a male. Not positive but if they aren't they do not have a partner who is a PA, someone who is struggling with this compulsion... just saying.

Please spend some time on this site as a member before you make such generalizations. There are many accounts where males have elevated to levels of dominance in the porn. When they find themselves watching this type of porn, they are disgusted with themselves. They may still be excited but disgust  soon returns after the illusive o they were looking for. Many are viewing content that includes a level of violence in which they don't agree.

Do some women actually like being choked during sex? I suspect that there are some that think they might enjoy this level of sexual activity but realize they aren't able to change the behavior of their partner as they work to fight for a breath of air. Its hard to say stop when you can't breathe.

There are all variations in sexual identity and relationships. I would never say one is wrong or right. However, I would say that your words of disagreement are not made in an open and honest response but to stir controversy. I wonder why you feel the need to post your objections to these types of beliefs on a journal that really isn't for or about you. Please give it a rest.

To the partners of PA on RN, so sorry you have to put up with this crap.

bob said:

I want to first state that I am a male. I suspect that erht is also a male. Not positive but if they aren't they do not have a partner who is a PA, someone who is struggling with this compulsion... just saying.

Please spend some time on this site as a member before you make such generalizations. There are many accounts where males have elevated to levels of dominance in the porn. When they find themselves watching this type of porn, they are disgusted with themselves. They may still be excited but disgust  soon returns after the illusive o they were looking for. Many are viewing content that includes a level of violence in which they don't agree.

Do some women actually like being choked during sex? I suspect that there are some that think they might enjoy this level of sexual activity but realize they aren't able to change the behavior of their partner as they work to fight for a breath of air. Its hard to say stop when you can't breathe.

There are all variations in sexual identity and relationships. I would never say one is wrong or right. However, I would say that your words of disagreement are not made in an open and honest response but to stir controversy. I wonder why you feel the need to post your objections to these types of beliefs on a journal that really isn't for or about you. Please give it a rest.

To the partners of PA on RN, so sorry you have to put up with this crap.

Click to expand...

I think you're on the money, Bob. And yes, ehrt is most certainly male - and he's been on this forum with a hundred different aliases making the same tedious points for about 2 years. He's always seeking to make porn ok for himself. He imbues it with all sorts of values that it doesn't really have. I doubt he'll stop at what he's said, he'll come back and make some insulting posts about how men like you and I have been emasculated by the feminazis and we can't be real men anymore, and how women are using porn to express their sexual power. And how it's all consenting apart from the tiny proportion who are exploitative. It's the same old baloney, and I'll have to delete it like I have the other hundred times. (I've literally banned/deleted him countless times). He just doesn't get it - he refuses to get it. He gets his fodder from misogynist right wing websites where men bitch and moan about how society won't let them be men anymore. It's all excuse-making. Ehrt just wants his porn. This addict dies hard. And he uses a VPN so he can keep coming back to enlighten us.  : And he can have his porn, but he can't come here and promote it. Have at it, Ehrt.

Oh no, not this little boy again. I say boy because hes obviously not a man.
Real men dont need porn, we get what we want from real women.
(or in erht`s case, men. He has mentioned he is into transexual porn in one of his other aliases)

I can certainly see the point here.  Porn rewires thinking, be that objectifies women, either in the male dominant form or even in the female dominant, cuckold, hotwife, etc genres.  Even though women are shown superior in those genres they are still an object to be worshiped, feared, desired etc.  I think these fantasies come along for some of us as we sub consciously realize we want control of our sex back.  I actively sought to be locked in chastity and my wife humored me for a bit but really wasn't into it. Looking back I think that was a subconscious cry for help because I had read about Female Led relationships and chastity and how much more adoring of the woman and how much more attentive to their needs a male in chastity becomes.  I think aside from the fetish aspect I was seriously desiring her to stop me from my habit.  Now I realize that the only effective way to do that is from my end.  I must stay away from this and consciously work each and every day to treat her as she deserves to be treated.  Today is 32 days and one thing I can see is a far stronger desire to just spend time with my wife and a stronger desire to for lack of a better word, serve her.  I am quick to take care of things w/out any agenda now. The only reason is because she is my wife and that is what she deserves and because she does the same for me as her husband. 

People throw around the word - Porn - on TV shows on comedies and radio shows, its like its just no problem at all... when I personally hear people just throwing the word around like just meaningless harmless jargon - everyone does it type theme, I have flashbacks to the site I found on my computer and wow, it certainly is not harmless, I  still push the images from my mind and think I only was a party to it for a moment, how much damage is that stuff doing to my partners thinking, his interpretation of good SEX...we  have come a long way since that time 2 years ago but the damage still rears its ugly head at times, he struggles with intimacy and initiating sex, its annoying to say the least but thats what that s..t does to you, it takes you away from the person that should mean the most to you and makes you see them in an artificial light - not good enough, don't wear enuf make up, don't wear stripper heals, secretly waiting for you to go out so they can rush to their little secret stash or online sites.  Im not sure on the type of content my partner viewed but he definitely saw me as boring, unattractive and in fact Holding him back, no physical stuff but more like Jobs Done scenario, I called it Robot Sex ... so that is what porn did for our relationship

Looks like I?ve missed the party. And the gatecrasher, lol.

There?s no way I would want to be in a relationship with a man who wanted to choke me or inflict physical pain in any situation. Not during sex. Not at any time.

I would definitely agree with Kimba that being in a relationship with a porn addict changes many aspects of the relationship. Definitely the sexual relationship but also in many other ways that are fundamentally unhealthy. My partner had the intelligence not to regard porn as some kind of ultimate sex experience. We had a pretty wonderful sex life in the years before porn, and masturbating in front of a screen couldn?t match that experience. It was a very bitter lesson for him to learn. I still can?t believe he would thrown it all away for such a poor substitute but that?s how addictive it can become.

I would also say that years of porn addiction had distorted my husband?s sexuality but to his credit he has questioned and challenged himself and has come to the conclusion that he doesn?t want his sexuality to be dictated and defined by the porn industry. That?s not to say that the brain mapping is easy to reverse, because neurons that fire together, wire together, as the saying goes. porn conditioned him to respond to. As you say, Kimba, the damage rears it?s ugly head from time to time. He?s still vulnerable to certain cues and sometimes he doesn?t realise it, but over time he can distance himself from those same cues and think they?re a bit ridiculous and cliched.

Recovering the sexual relationship isn?t easy for a number of reasons. On RN the focus is on restoring erectile function but that isn?t looking at the relationship as a whole. There?s very little discussion and exploration of the female partner?s sexuality, nor female sexuality in general. In porn, the version of female sexuality that exists is effectively an extension of male sexuality and is about performing for and pleasing men. The mistake many women make in the aftermath of discovery is to impersonate the porn script, which inevitably fails. I had to ?invent? my own sexual healing process, and reinvent and redefine it along the way. Fortunately I knew what a healthy sexuality looked like and felt like for me, and it had absolutely zero to do with porn. I?m all in favour of people enjoying their own healthy sexuality, and having great sex, exciting sex, that can be deeply sensual, intimate, fun, experimental, whatever. This was how it was for me/us before porn and (eventually) after porn. But during my husband?s porn addiction, I would say that the sex I had with my husband was not particularly enjoyable at all. I gave up. No sex is better than bad sex. Porn turns men into lousy lovers.