Social Media and Porn Addiction

I have been with my husband for only 3 1/2 years. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. Things were great for the first year with our intimacy and sex life. We are both in our mid fifties. After the first year, things took a drastic turn and I assumed it was an affair on his part but then I found it that he was a porn addict and had been for the last 25 years of his life. He didn't admit it, I had to find all the evidence on his computer and confront him. He said that he would give it up immediately and focus on us. It has been 2 years since then and nothing much has changed. We have sex once a week and I have to ask for it or put it on the schedule or he just happily forgets about it. When we have sex, it's quick, no romance, very little foreplay. Even if I dress up in something sexy, he pays very little or no attention and he lays down and closes his eyes for the remaining 10 minutes and then when he's done he wants to immediately get up or fall asleep, no cuddling or closeness.
He swears on a stack of bibles that he's not viewing porn. When I go through his phone, I don't see the usual porn hub or xhamster, etc. but I see Instagram pics, Twitter, tumbler pics, Pinterest, and a lot of pics of celebrities, reality stars, top young models and singers. All of them are basically young girls,  18-25 years old. He's 58 years old. I am 55 years old and I'm in shape and have been told that I'm attractive and I still get hit on. My husband looks at me with the same excitement as looking at a couch. My self esteem at this point is at an all time low, so I'm in therapy.
My question is: Is social media an extension of porn addiction also. Will he ever get any better if he's still looking at pictures of young girls? I have brought it up to him and he brushes it off like it isn't a big deal. Then he tells me that it's because he has low testosterone and isn't interested in sex now.
I feel like this is a bunch of BS on his part and I've said my peace this weekend without accusing him of being on porn. I told him that it really doesn't matter if he is on porn or not on porn. What matters is the way he's treating me, our intimate connection or lack thereof.
I said I will give it some time to improve but I need to see some effort and changes in behavior on his part. Unfortunately, I'm not very hopeful. 
He also stated that he could be damaged from long term porn use. If you've supposedly been off porn for 2 years, wouldn't some of the damage go away? It doesn't make sense to me???
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

Hi Crissy53

Firstly, I don't believe any man wants to become a porn addict for the simple reason is that it robs us of our ability to have sex with a real partner. However, this is a real addiction and as such it presents many of the same difficulties as hard drugs when trying to quit.

To help you put your own story into perspective let me share a little of my own. I'm in a relationship with a strikingly beautiful women. She is as close to perfection as any woman I've ever seen. I love her very much. My porn addiction has robbed me of the ability to be intimate with her. She thinks it's her fault. I've assured her that it isn't but she doesn't know the real reason. I have absolutely no sex drive and I can't get an erection with her. I've been desensitised by the constant novelty of online porn. It's a super stimulus and my girlfriend just can't compete with this super stimulus! If you haven't watched Gary Wilson's video yet, I really suggest watching it. It also explains the Coolidge effect.

I understand what you mean when you say he looks at you with 'the same excitement as looking at a couch'. I know the feeling. When I look at my girlfriend I feel as though I'm looking at a couch! It's shit! I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want my girlfriend to endure this anymore! I'm rebooting and I want to feel real desire for my girlfriend instead of this numbness in my whole body!

In answer to your question, Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, etc. are all porn substitutes. It doesn't have to be high speed streaming of videos. Your partner is seeking new, novel, shocking porn images because it's the only thing that will give him a dopamine hit! I know this because I've been there. I quit streaming video but found tumblr and got my fix there. I didn't think it was as harmful as the tube sites but believe me, it is.

He needs to reboot! This means no porn and no porn substitutes like fantasy, or reading erotic literature. He needs to give his brain a rest from all types of porn.

Rebooting can take a hell of a long time. We often relapse several times before we finally kick this vile habit. You can check out my post on my reboot 'The Monkey On My Back' to understand my battle with porn addiction. In my opinion, but everybody is different, if your husband has been clean for two years then I would expect him to have recovered by now. However, a word of caution. You met your husband while he was deep into his porn addiction so you have no idea what his baseline libido really is. It seems that the first year was great but like all relationships the passion subsides over time (see the Coolidge effect).

This situation sounds like hell for you. I'm really sorry you have to suffer this. Understand that you are not the problem. This is easier said than done.

Is your partner a member of this forum? Posting here can be beneficial because it makes us confront our addiction (this is the first major step). Reading about other peoples experiences, and more importantly their successes, can really help break this habit.

If he could really stay away form porn and all porn substitutes then I think you would see a change in you husbands connection with you. The only thing you need to be prepared for is that if he does attempt a reboot in hardmode then he'll likely experience a flatline which might mean he can't get an erection for several months.

I hope this answers some of your points.

I hope you can work together to beat this addiction. Good luck!

Hi Mousemat1,
Thank you so much for responding to me. I can't tell you how much that helps me. My husband doesn't like talking about it at all. So for me if I hear other men's stories it gives me a little insight and understanding about this addiction. As a wife, it's so easy to put the blame on yourself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not young enough, etc. My husband is a good man and I'm in love with him. Other than our intimate connection right now we are pretty perfectly matched. So I am more than willing to help him and us get through this. I have suggested that he goes on Reboot Nation but I haven't gotten him to do so as of yet. He's a pretty private guy. Hopefully we will be able to keep our dialogue open and get through the past hurt and get our intimate connection back.
Sending good wishes to you also for beating this addiction as well.

Hi Crissy.

It's not your fault. It's important to understand this. The problem for men who watch porn is we are bombarded with images of women who conform to a particular stereotype. It's unreal. It's fantasy. How are real women supposed to compete with this? It's impossible. Women shouldn't need to have to emulate porn stars in order to attract the attention of a partner. We men have a responsibility to ourselves and our partners to address this problem.

Perhaps you can read some of the posts with your husband together. He can use your profile if he doesn't want to create one for himself.

If he wants to experience life with renewed vigour, to become more sensitive to his surroundings and to you and enjoy real, meaningful love making then he has to reboot. The uncomfortable truth is that there is no other way.

When I think about quitting porn forever the task seems impossible. Masturbating with my trousers round my ankles, watching women being humiliated was how I relaxed at the end of the day. It helped to take away some of the pain. Those hours of edging releasing dopamine, bathing my brain in a fuzzy bliss were, quite frankly, wonderful. However, when the masturbation session was over, life was pretty bleak! As I write this I now see how ridiculous my dependancy on porn is/was.

The only way I could successfully approach quitting porn forever was to give myself achievable goals. I told myself I wasn't going to look at porn or fantasise or masturbate for 3 days. This didn't seem so difficult (it was though). When I reached my 3 day goal, I just added an extra day. When I finished day 4, I just added another day, and so on. Today is day 95!    This sounds like a victory but in reality I'm in a deep flatline. I have no libido and my penis doesn't work. I've been here before, so I know things will rebalance and I'll be able to have sex again. Unfortunately, things often get much worse before they get better and you need to be prepared for this eventuality.

Ask your husband to read this. He will find giving up porn incredibly difficult, but with the support of this community and yourself he can free himself from porn use and enjoy a deeper, more meaningful relationship with the real world!

Thank you for sharing your story.

There's two main issues at play here. Firstly, does porn damage you long-term? Secondly, is it still porn if it's on Instagram or tumblr?

The answer to both questions is yes. I used porn and chat rooms on and off for the best part of two decades. It nearly finished my marriage, it caused untold hurt to a woman with whom I had an affair, and it contributed to some serious spells of anxiety and depression. I've been fighting this addiction for about 10 months now - whilst I've relapsed on a few occasions, I'm currently 63 days clean.

In terms of the second question, I think that Instagram / tumblr pictures are still porn if they lead to that same dopamine hit that your husband would have got from the hard stuff. They are still posted with the male gaze in mind. And I think that if your husband is serious about recovery, he should cut it all out. For me, I have used my latest reboot to give up Facebook* and stop posting on an online music forum, as both of these fed into the same desire for acceptance / validation that I indulged through chat rooms.

I don't think it's possible for an addict to avoid potentially tempting images entirely - we live in a sexualised society. But it's possible to make choices not to dwell on those images. It's also right to focus on things that are good for ourselves: family, work, and so on. To use a Biblical analogy, King David ended up committing adultery with Bathsheba because he was sat at home lazing around when he should have been out fighting. Does your husband work / have hobbies / interests that could help him feel better about himself?

IF he wants to sign up to here, I'm happy to talk to him. I'm no expert but I'm taking this recovery one day at a time, because it's either that or I ruin my life in tiny increments.

* I still have a Facebook account for the purposes of (a) messenging contacts on Messenger and (b) managing a social group but I am trying to stay away from posting and / or scrolling.

Chrissy, first I want to say how sorry I am for your hurt. I am a wife and I know first hand just how much it hurts your heart! I too went through the roller coaster of emotions and to be honest they still come up for me from time to time. It never really goes away but it does get better. I have found for myself that improvement can only occur when communication is priority. Both people have to be willing and committed to seeing each other improve.  If only one person is putting in the effort then you never really get a healed marriage because a marriage take two people. A thriving marriage requires honesty, openness, integrity, communication, vulnerability, and most of all love. He has to get to a point where he is ready to commit to the marriage. I am sorry to be so blunt but it is the truth. My heart breaks for you and the situation. Know that it is most certainly about you! You are enough! You are capable and attractive! I would encourage you to take time to pour into yourself. Built yourself up! Saturate yourself with encourages and people who inspire and uplift you, because that is what you deserve!

As far as social media, my husband used facebook almost more than he viewed porn. They are completely porn substitutes and for me it felt the same as being cheated on. I was crushed. My husband used to view pictures of my friends for his "material", it made me feel inferior to the very women that I needed to feel support from. Even to this day a lot of my old friendships are not the same as a result. I feel like those social media sites are almost worse. It does really hurt so much. It can be very overwhelming and hopeless at times. Know that you are not alone! Know that you have worth. That this addiction and sickness on his part does not define you! If there is ever anything I can do please don't hesitate to reach out! Sending you love and peace!

Crissy, I?m sorry to read about your present situation and as a partner of a recovering porn addict, I?ve been there too so you have my sympathies 100%

I also ran into some troubles when I discovered that my husband was also looking at these so-called ?porn substitutes?, which were music videos, lingerie and swimwear, nude/sex scenes from movies, scenes with actresses undressing, and so on. These were part of his viewing repertoire before he quit porn. Initially he thought he could carry on looking at that stuff because it wasn?t explicit porn on a tube site. He didn?t get that it was at one end of the continuum. So I asked, ?Would you be looking at it if I was sitting next to you?? I have to admit, it?s very difficult to persuade someone that their viewing behaviour is harmful when they believe it?s not. I took the stance that if it?s hidden, deleted and if it?s necessary to lie about it, then it?s damaging to the relationship.

With regard to your own lowering of self esteem and body confidence as a direct consequence of your husband?s behaviour, this is such a common experience for partners. I?ve been there. I still am. My husband showed zero interest in me during his addiction. There was nothing wrong with me but I internalised my negative beliefs and ended up believing them as if those beliefs were facts. I still am dealing with the after effects of my husband?s porn addiction.

This erosion of a partner?s body confidence is something I feel very strongly about. To start with, our image-saturated and commercialised culture is filled with messages that tell women, sometimes explicitly but overwhelmingly subliminally that we are not good enough as we are, as nature intends us to be. We?re supposed to be ?beach body ready?, we?re supposed to correct our invented ?flaws? whether it?s cellulite, or body hair, or bingo wings, or the latest one called ?arm vagina? (yes, really). Every new year the media promotes the latest diet, every year during fashion week, whether it?s London, New York or Paris there are articles about anorexic models. We?re supposed to ?get our bodies back? within weeks of giving birth ? not that our bodies actually WENT anywhere. I mean, our bodies are designed by mother nature for this very purpose. Are we supposed to look like an immature pubescent girl forever? We?re not supposed to have a single pore on our faces, never mind a wrinkle or two. This is body hatred. We are conditioned in our western culture to hate our bodies, and if we can?t ?fix? them we are supposed to hide them or at least the bits we don?t like. (And we?re only allowed to like this bit or that bit, but not our whole body.)

The visual culture which is shaped by the beauty, fashion and diet industries is damaging enough before we even get to porn, which is also influencing our culture. It?s also shaping peoples? sexuality and how they view their relationships.

It?s very true that the brains of men who get habituated to viewing porn and masturbating to it seek out the artificial dopamine high of sexually explicit imagery, just as the Gary Wilson videos explain. It IS true that such men find it difficult to get excited by their partner perhaps for the reasons offered. But this isn?t really going to help you rebuild your body confidence and self esteem to any meaningful degree.

I had to find ways of helping myself to feel better about myself again. As you can probably tell, I have a wider social/political perspective on the modern phenomenon of the female body as a commodity, and nowhere is this more brutal than the porn industry where the body exists as a disposable use-once-and-discard product ? but in the mind of the viewer. He?s only looking at pixels. He?s not actually ?with? anyone.

My husband actually woke up and realised he liked my body. That helps somewhat, but I can?t rely on someone else?s approval. I had to work on my own body acceptance. You know you?re in good shape and that?s a good place to start. The next thing is good self care ? eating well, staying hydrated by drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, sensible exercise, a regular skincare routine, all that stuff. For me, being able to recognise the prevalence of body hatred and body shame in this culture is very empowering. Very importantly, as partners we need to heal our sexuality and own it for ourselves. Our sexuality is not a commodity, it doesn?t depend on our partners to be allowed to exist, it?s part of us. Our bodies aren?t these things that exist somewhere below our chins, our bodies are the homes from where we live our lives. Ask yourself, what is your body for?

I?m aware I?ve rambled but I felt I could share my perspective here. As partners, we all need to find our own ways through this. Dopamine theories are useful and helpful but only up to a point. If our relationship ended, we would still be living with the after effects of being in a relationship with a porn addict. We?d still have to heal our body confidence and our sexuality even if we were single again.

Thank you to all who have responded to me. I'm relatively new at chatting on this forum so I don't know how to respond individually. Lol
It's helpful to hear from partners and also equally helpful to hear from men who are battling this addiction. Actually, because my husband doesn't talk it's great to hear what goes on in the mind of a man who is a porn addict. My husband doesn't like to talk about this subject at all. He's says he's done with it and it's in the past. He doesn't even like to discuss how he got to be a porn addict and if he's even having trouble daily staying off of it.  Quite honestly, I'm not sure where he's at with it but from the way he responds to me intimately, nothing has changed since he quit 2 years ago. That's what worries me. I think and I have seen enough social media, chat sites on his phone to know that he is up to something. He knows where I'm at in my heart at this time. I'm not gonna stalk his phone or computer at this time to try and bust him, there's really no need. He is the master at hiding and deleting! Quite frankly I can tell by the way he looks at me and when I ask " I can't believe that I even have to ask"!  for sex or romance and he responds with a heavy sigh and tells me he's tired or dodges me, it's pretty crystal clear.
So for now, I will give it some time but not longer than this summer and if nothing changes, I will sadly move on with my life. I can't thank you all enough for sharing your very personal stories with me. You have all helped me a lot!
I wish you all continued success and healing! Best Wishes! Crissy

Crissy53 said:

it's great to hear what goes on in the mind of a man who is a porn addict.

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Having been at the stage your husband is at, I think there are probably several things going on in his mind. There's a part of him that will be justifying himself. Either he's trying to convince himself that this isn't porn, or he's trying to convince himself that porn isn't a big deal.

There's another part of him that's probably not thinking that much at all. If I recall the times that I was at my most addicted, I was just constantly seeking an opportunity to go on a chat room or visit porn sites or whatever. Like your husband, I was well able to hide the explicit evidence; however my addiction meant that I would take greater and great risks in terms of when and how I fed it, and also my addiction reduced my appetite for sex, which eroded my wife's trust in me.

Finally, there's a part of him that will feel awful for what he's doing. I think back on how I felt when I was at my worst - the high of finding someone to sext with was often cancelled out by the low of guilt and shame that I felt afterwards. So of course I would go and seek more highs to numb myself from the lows. It took a really lightning-bolt for me to shock me into reboot. I was too engulfed to make that decision for myself.

I'm by no means healed of this addiction but I feel strong enough to get through a day at a time without porn and chat rooms. It is possible. My wife has noticed such a difference in me over the past two months. I was working from home last week when she was also at home, and she said to me "it's so nice to be able to come upstairs and not fear what you might be up to". I can't believe what she's had to put up with over the past years, and I'm so glad to be able to rebuild properly.

Is your husband in good shape? Is it worth him getting a hormone check just to rule it out?

Since you are giving this a little more time to play out, I think it's wise to give it the best possible chance by setting some standards that he must live up to. He can't be allowed to keep to himself, not not talk about his problems. That's what got him into the mess he's in, and the mess he's drawn you into. He needs to get over himself and start talking. He needs to answer any questions you have for him about his activities, his porn use, his social media use, his masturbation habits, his feelings - anything you want to know really. He has lost his right to be secretive and self-protective and still be trusted. That would be my advice. He needs a solid kick up the pants to have any chance of saving your marriage. If you allow this to be on his terms, he will keep doing what he's doing and you have no chance. That's my opinion anyway, I respect that you may not agree with this. Best wishes, M.

Thank you for your kind words. When I ask him about it, he says he feels he's being accused and assailed. He will say "I told you I'm off porn, end of story. I try to bring it up kindly and tell him I just want to check in because porn addiction is so hard of an addiction to break and I want to see how he's doing. He just says I'm done with that.  When I ask why he doesn't desire me or sex, He says he has low testosterone. It's just borderline low, not really bad. All men in their fifties have lower testosterone, that's natural with aging. He can still get a hard on at this point but shows no passion or desire with me. He usually closes his eyes, gets off and wants to be done with it. Otherwise he is a good man, hard worker and kind to my grown children that don't live with us. Am I being unrealistic, should I just except that he will never desire me again and stay in this marriage because he is a good man? Am I putting to much emphasis on sex and intimacy? This is the only relationship I have ever had with a man where I have to ask or beg for sex. I can't help but take it personally. I know at this point, after 3 years of this, I feel unattractive and my list of insecurities is growing. I am currently working with a therapist and working on my issues. I am a work in progress as they say!
Thank you for your opinion and like you, I also agree that having a real discussion with him will be the only way through this in saving our marriage. Thanks Again

Hi Chrissy, I don't think you are putting too much emphasis on sex and intimacy, I think you are emphasising openness and honesty. I think it's really hurting you to have no idea what's going on in his head. He's clearly been like this for a long time, but once your trust has been breached, I don't think it's tenable for him to go back to a life of privacy and secrecy in your marriage - the benefit of the doubt is now gone. He needs to open up and convince you why he is now trustworthy again. If he can't do that, then you can't learn to trust him again. That's a big deal in a relationship. Trust is everything, in my opinion.

If he wants to explain his lack of libido as low-T rather than PIED, he should go and get a blood test and show you the result. What alternative does he have? To plague you with feelings of undesirability and a feeling like satisfying sex is no longer part of your world? I don't believe it's normal for somebody in their 50's to have no interest in sex. Even somebody with low-T can easily treat that and get their libido back. For mine, this is worrying because he's being evasive and putting himself beyond scrutiny - and then invoking the old "you should trust me" defence. Being evasive usually means somebody is hiding something. He may still be using. Who knows, but he needs to learn to be open and be transparent. You sound like a really great woman and a real catch, he's lucky to have you and he should do more to rebuild what's been lost. You deserve much better than this. He ruined the trust, he needs to make the moves to rebuild it. If he's not doing all he can to restore your faith in him, he's being a coward and avoiding his issues. He might be a good man, but that is not being a good husband. I hope you are able to be strong and demand more of him because you have a lot of years left together and you don't want to feel like this for the rest of your married life. I think one condition of your marriage could be that he gets some counselling therapy and learns how to deal with his emotions, his communication, and his addiction. It would be good for him - even though he'll probably have to be dragged there kicking and screaming!

I hope you can get on a better path with your husband. Don't give up on having something better than what you have - but you have to want it badly enough to make life a bit uncomfortable for your husband. In the long run though, you'll both be better off, along with your marriage.

Best wishes,
M.

Crissy
See if he will listen to the podcast at the top of the partner forum.  Tell him you have work to do with yourself.  (We partners have to do our brain work too, to feel safe and other things that have been mentioned.). See if that helps you both understand. This is a tough journey for both. 

Yes, the two are related.  Social media is addictive on its own.  But it is also possible to find millions of images of women on Facebook, too, so it also connects directly to this addiction.  He probably just downgraded material, which is why he only looks at those les risqu? images.  It is possible his addiction just regressed on its own, or possibly he could hide it better (from his perspective) if he just looked at clothed women.  For me I regressed just naturally.  I preferred erotic images to porn.  It is the same dopamine boost and de,overs the same results.

Also, how is his diet?  Does he exercise?  Both of these effect sexual desire. 

For me, it isn?t safe to look at any sexualized images of women.  So,times I have no choice, for instance when I see a superhero movie with my wife.  But addiction is fueled by repetition, so, in theory both I and your husband should be able to see movies with no significant lroblems.  But he has to learn that he just can?t look at pictures of women.  He has taught himself to get a hit.  He has to just stay away.

I am quitting Facebook because I waste all of my time on it, but it has the added bonus of removing temptation as well.

Talk to your husband.  Hope it goes well

mousemat1 said:

Hi Crissy53

Firstly, I don't believe any man wants to become a porn addict for the simple reason is that it robs us of our ability to have sex with a real partner. However, this is a real addiction and as such it presents many of the same difficulties as hard drugs when trying to quit.

To help you put your own story into perspective let me share a little of my own. I'm in a relationship with a strikingly beautiful women. She is as close to perfection as any woman I've ever seen. I love her very much. My porn addiction has robbed me of the ability to be intimate with her. She thinks it's her fault. I've assured her that it isn't but she doesn't know the real reason. I have absolutely no sex drive and I can't get an erection with her. I've been desensitised by the constant novelty of online porn. It's a super stimulus and my girlfriend just can't compete with this super stimulus! If you haven't watched Gary Wilson's video yet, I really suggest watching it. It also explains the Coolidge effect.

I understand what you mean when you say he looks at you with 'the same excitement as looking at a couch'. I know the feeling. When I look at my girlfriend I feel as though I'm looking at a couch! It's shit! I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want my girlfriend to endure this anymore! I'm rebooting and I want to feel real desire for my girlfriend instead of this numbness in my whole body!

In answer to your question, Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, etc. are all porn substitutes. It doesn't have to be high speed streaming of videos. Your partner is seeking new, novel, shocking porn images because it's the only thing that will give him a dopamine hit! I know this because I've been there. I quit streaming video but found tumblr and got my fix there. I didn't think it was as harmful as the tube sites but believe me, it is.

He needs to reboot! This means no porn and no porn substitutes like fantasy, or reading erotic literature. He needs to give his brain a rest from all types of porn.

Rebooting can take a hell of a long time. We often relapse several times before we finally kick this vile habit. You can check out my post on my reboot 'The Monkey On My Back' to understand my battle with porn addiction. In my opinion, but everybody is different, if your husband has been clean for two years then I would expect him to have recovered by now. However, a word of caution. You met your husband while he was deep into his porn addiction so you have no idea what his baseline libido really is. It seems that the first year was great but like all relationships the passion subsides over time (see the Coolidge effect).

This situation sounds like hell for you. I'm really sorry you have to suffer this. Understand that you are not the problem. This is easier said than done.

Is your partner a member of this forum? Posting here can be beneficial because it makes us confront our addiction (this is the first major step). Reading about other peoples experiences, and more importantly their successes, can really help break this habit.

If he could really stay away form porn and all porn substitutes then I think you would see a change in you husbands connection with you. The only thing you need to be prepared for is that if he does attempt a reboot in hardmode then he'll likely experience a flatline which might mean he can't get an erection for several months.

I hope this answers some of your points.

I hope you can work together to beat this addiction. Good luck!
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Thank you so much for responding to me. I can't tell you how much that helps me. My husband doesn't like talking about it at all. So for me if I hear other men's stories it gives me a little insight and understanding about this addiction. As a wife, it's so easy to put the blame on yourself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not young enough, etc. My husband is a good man and I'm in love with him. Other than our intimate connection right now we are pretty perfectly matched. So I am more than willing to help him and us get through this. I have suggested that he goes on Reboot Nation but I haven't gotten him to do so as of yet. He's a pretty private guy. Hopefully we will be able to keep our dialogue open and get through the past hurt and get our intimate connection back.

Hi your story is so like my story... second relationship but 13 years in ... he won?t taln and says it?s my problem now that I?m not moving on... anyway good luck you deserve better we app do x

We all do ... that last bit and my partner won?t talk and says exact same stuff