is it a meaningful relationship or Am I just a recovery tool

hello everyone,
so i have been for the last 3 months in a very beautiful relationship with this man that told me in the early times of our relationship that he used to be a porn addict and that he had been recovering. He told me about this forum and tried to explain me different stuff.
He is out of his flatline for about 2 years now and our sexual life is great in fact.
still he has very disturbing mood swings and im not really sure how to behave: is it about porn addiction or just a normal mood swings? am I just a part of his recovery process or does this relation means something for him?
Well , i don"t want to seem selfish but im really scared of being just a stage in his recovery process and rewiring, because I do really like him and im getting more attached day by day.
how should I behave in a way that I can help him in this experience and in the same time trying to build a sustainable relationship and not just a recovering tool?

Hello and welcome to the forum. First off I want to say that I think it is really refreshing to hear that a man has been open and was honest at the beginning of the relationship! Seriously, that is very cool! Also another thing I want to be really clear about is this... once an addict always an addict. He is either a porn addict who is in recovery or he is not in recovery, either way he is still and always will be an addict. If he hasen't come to a place where he can accept that about himself then run, just run now, lol. This is a key first step in accepting and really owning any addiction. You don't "beat it" and then it's in the past. It is important for them to see and understand this because lots of people who have various different addiction will be clean for year and decades and when they start to think that it's in the past that is when the temptation can return, their guard is down and they can fall right back into old ways. I have heard time and time again about alcoholics who did drink for 20 years and then they start up again. An alcoholic is either a recovering alcoholic or a drunk he is never not an alcoholic anymore. Porn addiction is the same way. That is really important to understand.

As far as where the relationship is and the mood swings. Both things I think you need to talk to him about. Tell him your concerns. In any relationship, with porn addiction or not, communication is key. If his mood swings are violent, leave. Porn addiction doesn't make you abusive. If he has recovered for 2+years then these swings are probably part of his personality. That is something you should talk to him about. I think it is really commendable that he was open and honest at the beginning, that really says something. It isn't easy for a guy to come out and say that. A lot of men have some serious shame attached and it is really hard for them to tell anyone. Heck a lot of men on here are married and don't even tell their wives. I would say, talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling. Read some relationship books to help with communication. Hold me Tight, by Paula Hall is amazing and a great place to start!

Either way know that you have support here. I am glad you reached out. Feel free to come and get support anytime! Good luck!

You say that your sex life is fine, so probably he's fully recovered in that area by now and no longer needs to rewire. I wouldn't say you're a tool for recovery since he appears to already be recovered sexually. The mood swings are probably unrelated to his past addiction, it's very rare for withdrawal symptoms to last longer than a year or so from what I've seen.

You say he's been out of flatline for 2 years. How long has it been since he stopped using porn?

Also another thing I want to be really clear about is this... once an addict always an addict. He is either a porn addict who is in recovery or he is not in recovery, either way he is still and always will be an addict.

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Not the case. Alcoholics who've been free of alcohol for 5 years or longer are no more likely to redevelop alcoholism than someone from the general population. This is true with all addictions. The neural circuitry associated with the addiction eventually shrinks to about 10% of the original size after years of abstinence. However it's suggested that someone not be considered truly 'recovered' until at least these 5 years free of relapse.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuraptitude/201607/risk-relapse-alcohol-drops-after-5-years-sobriety
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8611061
"After abstinence had been maintained for 5 years, relapse was rare."

No one can ever return to moderate use after being an addict though, that's true, have to quit completely and forever.

I doubt very much that his mood swings have anything to do with quitting porn two years ago. You describe his mood swings as ?disturbing? and therein lies the problem. It?s your decision whether or not you accept this and whether it can be part of the relationship you want to have with this guy.

As to whether you are a ?recovery tool?, he?s the only one who can answer this. After two years without porn I doubt it. Whether his relationship skills were underdeveloped as a consequence of his porn addiction is another matter. It may be true for him or it may not. Without knowing his relationship history there?s no way of knowing. With few exceptions, most porn addicts have not learned the skills of dealing with difficult emotions or life events, so perhaps his mood swings are more a consequence of never developing life management skills in the first place rather than a consequence of quitting porn.

Whether or not ?once an addict...? is applicable in every case is a moot point. For some it is, and most will be vulnerable to relapsing because it?s just so easy now that we?re all connected to the internet via smart phones and even our TVs. I don?t believe that one unintentional exposure to a ?sexy? ad image is necessarily a relapse risk but some guys can really struggle with triggers whereas others are completely in control of their own triggers. For some, negative emotions are far greater triggers than visual images. We don?t know who is going to struggle and who isn?t because porn addiction is a multifactorial issue.

I know this may not answer your question in the way you might have wanted but it?s important to realise that no two addicts in recovery are the same. Relationships should be about a lot more than porn addiction recovery if they are going to be healthy relationships. So if he?s quit for two years I suggest you forget about ?helping? him because that?s not the best foundation for any relationship. Ask yourself what you want too.