Brokensoul, I?m sorry that you?ve felt the need to return after entering into a new relationship with a porn addict after going through such a difficult time with your previous porn/sex addict partner.
Although the detrimental effects of internet pornography on relationships are becoming apparent to the medical and psychological/psychiatric professions, it?s probably more realistic to say that not all men who are exposed to pornographer become misogynistic in their attitudes towards women. At its most benign it creates habitual voyeurs who constantly objectify women?s bodies, which is still creepy and unpleasant, and it?s very unsettling to be on the receiving end of that kind of unwelcome attention. At the other end of the spectrum there are men who have learned nasty misogynistic attitudes to women from increasingly violent categories of pornography where women are called whore and slut, been gagged with a penis until they choke,cry and even vomit. They are anally raped whilst having their head jerked back by some violent asshole pulling on their hair and getting off on inflicting pain (and fear). Unfortunately there are generations of young men growing up thinking that this is ?normal?, this is what sex is, and even how women expect to be treated. They don?t know any better, because they?ve never been taught what sex can be, that it should be about freely given consent and respect, and that sexual pleasure should be a shared experience. Some older men who were teenagers before the internet was everywhere might have been exposed to pornography but it would have been very tame by today?s standards, and exposure to pornographic materials would have been more restricted. Young boys growing up today have access to everything and anything and no guidance about what is actually ?normal?. So yes, they probably see all that bitch/slut/whore gagging and inflicting acts of pain and violence as ?just the way it is?. We are living through something that has never happened before in the history of humanity, so who knows where we will end up?
But getting back to you, broken soul, I really think you need to take time out from all relationships with the opposite sex for a couple of years to allow yourself to heal properly and rebuild your self esteem and allow yourself to grow as an individual and as a woman. The fact that history has repeated MIGHT be indicating that you deep down you don?t feel that you deserve better than this and you are prepared to settle for being treated as less than. The thing is, after being in a relationship with a porn addict (or sex addict) we unknowingly train ourselves out of trusting our gut instincts. We might think ?did I really notice....? No, that?s just not him? Or ?hmm.... this is a bit off.... but, maybe I?m reading more into this, it?s nothing really?. That?s how it begins and because addicts are pretty good at creating good impressions we dismiss even the tiniest of inconsistencies. Slowly we stop trusting our own judgment, and for the partner of a porn/sex addict, that?s probably the worst damage of all. It?s why we eventually find we can?t trust as easily and we lose the sense of who we are. When so much you believed about your relationship was wrong you start to wonder who you actually are, because when push came to shove, every one of us would probably say that we failed ourselves. But not completely ? and that?s what we need to hold onto. That we can trust our instincts again and they will serve us well.
I would say, you need to put your own healing first. Above everything. You don?t need another toxic relationship so don?t take that chance. Your experience of being in a relationship with a porn addict will affect all your future relationships. That?s for certain. If you have any unresolved issues from your previous relationship/s, you will carry these issues into your next relationship. The healing process for the partner is still the same, it?s still necessary, even where the relationship is over.
Your first priority is basic self care. Sleep enough, eat a healthy diet, maintain your exercise regime, don?t neglect your appearance, shower, put on clean clothes every day. All that stuff. If you?re there already, that?s great. Often self neglect is a barometer of emotional health, and it?s fairly common to give up on self care when we?re low. Next, maintain your friendships. You don?t need to tell anyone about your relationship issues, just keep connected with your trusted friends and family, the ones who are there for you. Thirdly, make sure you have meaningful activities going on in your life, things that fill your time in a good way. It?s nice to share your time with your girl friend but if you feel like watching a movie alone, then just do it. It doesn?t matter what you do, you can read, knit, go to a dance class, buy a camera, try a new recipe, whatever you get something good from. Last but not least, you need to either think about therapy or at the very least work through some good self help books. It?s important not only that you heal from these painful relationships but that you become the best version of yourself, so that you don?t take this sort of shit from anyone else in the future. When you?re emotionally stronger, chances are you?ll attract a better class of human being.
